Bad Week

[Guest Jo22]

hi everyone.

I'm having a really bad time at the moment, and while i've learned that no one else can be responsible for my problems except me, i've also learned that bottling everything up is a recipe for the asylum. i saw an episode of 30 rock the other day where buzz aldrin was yelling at the moon so i guess thats sort of what i'm trying to do.

my dysphoria has been running amuck the last week, its taking over my life. its always sort of been there but now its everywhere and i can't look in the mirror without being reminded that don't know who i am. i subtly broached the subject of my cross dressing with my girlfriend (all she really knows is that i don't like being a guy 'sometimes') and from the reaction i got, i'm 100% sure that the issue is not up for discussion. if she knew anything more than she does, i have no doubt she'd leave me, but maybe thats best for both of us.

no one else knows about me except all of you, so i find myself coming back here everyday to just feel sane. i'm REALLY struggling at the moment, i feel like i'm carrying around a sack of bricks.

so there it is. if your feeling down, come plagiarize 30 rock with me, and lets all yell at the moon.

CURSE YOU MOON, I OWN YOU!

[JJ]

I'm so sorry it's so rough right now!

Why is it the cool, caring people like you find here are so hard to find in the real world?

I suppose we walk by them every day and pass like ships in the night because the others have made us afraid.

But they're there and you'll find them.

Hey, I love the idea of howling at the moon!

I always said I was having a "Kick the dog day" when everything was going wrong (Just an expression you understand. I have 5 rescue dogs and would no doubt kick anyone who I saw kick a dog-at the very least- while dialing the phone to report them for animal cruelty).

Now I have a whole new expression. A howl at the moon day.

HUGS

JJ

[Guest Opal]

Hi!

Please count me in. Shame on the moon for only showing one side!

I'm also feeling consumed. Absolutely can't/won't go back, yet significant obstacles to moving forward. Need to make changes in dress, voice, mannerisms, attitudes. I keep seeking validation to what I feel, unable to listen to my heart, to believe my heart.

Have I attempted to bury so much for so long that I'm a total stranger to myself? Feel like I'm looking in on something wondrous, yet feels unobtainable.

Why does it have to be hard to accept oneself for who they are, especially when others accept them?

Sorry, I'm probably not helping....

Hugs,

Opal

[JJ]

While I go on about self-acceptance and the difference it has made to me I spent decades refusing to even acknowledge my feelings. I know how hard the road gets-and I know I can live as I am which means I don't have to face all the issues of transition. At least not right now. So I can't speak to the frustration of not being able to go forward or back.

But one thing I am absolutely sure of-all of the validation in the world is not enough unless it comes from within. Trans or cis-gendered-no matter what we need validated it is never enough unless it comes from within. Outside validation can be uplifting-can bring a happy feeling but it just won't be enough at the end of the day.

And I don't know how to tell anyone else to find it except that you wouldn't be here if your experience wasn't real. When you get to know the people here you see how wondrous and beautiful they are. Each one of you are too!.

I believe what you see inside already IS you and it is beautiful . It's the struggle against prejudice, fear and understanding to bring it out that makes it so difficult.

So howl at the moon tonight!!

I know you'll make it!!

Hugs

JJ

[Guest Donna Jean]

I've had a seriously sucky week and that is just what I needed to do...

Howling at the moon...joined by a chorus of wild coyotes (yes, we have them here in Ohio where I live), farm dogs, ankle bitters that are out for a whiz and chained up Dobes and German Sheppards....

That was more like it...I REALLY needed to get that out!

Donna Jean

AROOoooooooo!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Jo - as JJ explains and as Opal questions, yes 'self acceptance." Until you have that its always a struggle. Like JJ I am older - and had a huge period of time where I denied myself. "I like to near killed me!" in the venacular of where I grew up - redneckville in Texas! No way to ever get acceptance when I was younger! Then when I was older? I could never manage it on my own.

It took therapy - it took being here on Laura's. Maybe being older helped too.

And I still struggle - but not with self acceptance! More like why it is so hard to have people accept ME! But that's their loss!

Dysphoria also comes and goes. You are probably in a high anxiety stage right now. Just be patient!

It gets easier...

Lizzy