Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Discoveries About My Self And Transition


Guest Emily Ray

Recommended Posts

Guest Emily Ray

Hi everyone,

When I first came here, to Laura's, Angie and Becky's courage just put me in awe. I said "Maybe in a year I would do that." Brandon was not a courageous person and had many doubts about his value, his willingness to suffer in order to achieve greatness. He had many faults. I now know that Emily is not Brandon and the resemblance diminishes daily as the difference becomes more obvious to me and others. There are no cowards in transition. Until the person inside becomes willing to do what ever is necessary to show and be themselves with the world transition will not take place period.

I Emily am a courageous teenager and if I was in High School today I would be running for class president. And I would win! No Emily is not Brandon who took speech class in summer with three other people, because of a fear of public speaking. Four hardly counts for a group much less an audience. No my natal years and gender years don't match yet. I have so much to experience first. But, rather then fearing those experiences, I seek them out.

A long journey begins with one step.

Huggs,

Link to comment
Guest BeckyTG

Hey, Dear Girlfriend,

I celebrate your first steps and you have already taken them. You have, in fact, taken many that perhaps you're not giving yourself credit for. Accepting yourself, seeking help and coming out to your family puts you way further along on this journey than many other members here.

Some day, there may be others who were inspired by you. This is a chain effort as we are each just a link in a long string.

Think back on that speech class and imagine if you could have added a person or two each time you had to make a speech. Soon, you'd be up to 20 or more, then 30 and each time you spoke, you would gain confidence in yourself and your speaking ability.

Transitioning is no different. Try getting out dressed a little more like your true self each time you go out. Over time, you'll forget how you are dressed. Over time, you'll gain more and more confidence. Over time, you'll be less and less (him) and more and more you.

I love you, sweet girlfriend and you inspire me with your courage.

Big hug,

Becky

Link to comment
Guest ricka

Emily----it is obvious that you have tapped into that deeply-felt joy that we experience when we embrace our womanhood. Yes it takes courage to be who we are but the reward of the joy we feel in becoming the gender we were born to be compels us to face and overcome all obstacles. Yet, I wonder if we could succeed without the love and support from our family here at Laura's and their positive energy and inspiration.

Hugs, Ricka

Link to comment
Hi everyone,

When I first came here, to Laura's, Angie and Becky's courage just put me in awe. I said "Maybe in a year I would do that." Brandon was not a courageous person and had many doubts about his value, his willingness to suffer in order to achieve greatness. He had many faults. I now know that Emily is not Brandon and the resemblance diminishes daily as the difference becomes more obvious to me and others. There are no cowards in transition. Until the person inside becomes willing to do what ever is necessary to show and be themselves with the world transition will not take place period.

I Emily am a courageous teenager and if I was in High School today I would be running for class president. And I would win! No Emily is not Brandon who took speech class in summer with three other people, because of a fear of public speaking. Four hardly counts for a group much less an audience. No my natal years and gender years don't match yet. I have so much to experience first. But, rather then fearing those experiences, I seek them out.

A long journey begins with one step.

Huggs,

Obviously when you became Emily you overcame your fears. However I wonder how much credit you have to give gender dysphoria for overcoming your fears, even the ability to run for class president. I just know that the gender dysphoria I'm feeling is driving me to overcome my fears. It's like not really having a choice. I know I'm doing everything in my power to transition and probably won't even be able to leave the doctor's office before I take my first hormone pill. How much have you changed because of the process of being driven to become Emily as compared to actually becoming Emily?

In any case you are an inspiration to me and am sure to many others on your success on becoming who you were meant to be.

Love Susan

Link to comment
Guest Emily Ray

I have read some writtings of a MtF that fully transitioned years ago and she talk not so much about transition, but transcending our condition. I am not trying to be who I would have been if I was only born a girl. I would be cheating myself and the world of what Brandon experienced. I want to transcend my condition ans be a better woman/person bcause of my experience and learning as Brandon before acceptance. I am not sure it is possible to delineate what would be Emily and what is post-Brandon Emily. Just Emily is a theoretical construction and Brandon was a character Emily created both unreal. Post-Brandon Emily is real and I am her.

Ricka, I think you are right for the first time I have experienced real joy. I want more.

Huggs,

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Yea Emily!!

It is wondrous and amazing that you have found your joy and courage so early. You have a fantastic journey ahead.

I believe that for me, having experienced life from both perspectives has made me grow and become something better than I could have been it I had been either alone.

JJ

Link to comment
  • Admin

What a wonderful, joyful and inspiring post, Emily.

Yes, there are no cowards in transition. But it involves so much more than just being brave or having strength. It includes a willingness and a desire

to change, to morph into someone different, to see another side of yourself and let others see it too. That is the joy of transition for me, and I

think you've found it too.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
Guest ricka

Emily, your last post really struck a chord with me which resonates very deeply. The joy I feel is in being the transwoman that I was born to be----not a ciswoman. I believe that God created me as a transwoman and that He made no mistake. For me the internal conflicts and struggle I felt was not so much about not being born female but about being born a male if that makes any sense. It's not about pretending to be a cisfemale, it's about being the real me as a transwoman. The story of the ugly duckling is our story. Cismales and cisfemales are ducks but we were made to be swans!

Hugs, Ricka

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 58 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Ivy
    • Willow
    • SamC
    • awkward-yet-sweet
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,103
    • Most Online
      8,356

    BUGFIEND
    Newest Member
    BUGFIEND
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bobbijean
      Bobbijean
    2. Bryan
      Bryan
      (61 years old)
    3. jlw5ju
      jlw5ju
      (27 years old)
    4. ladykirabellum
      ladykirabellum
      (47 years old)
    5. Lizzie17
      Lizzie17
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      Thank you!
    • ClaireBloom
      My avatar is from a T-shirt that I am just dying to buy.  Maybe soon....
    • Lydia_R
      I had some guy grab my butt on the ship.  I don't know how "real" it was, but I did not enjoy that at all.  Also did not enjoy the hazing I saw other people going through.  One person can only do so much to stop that when there are 10 people doing it.
    • Lydia_R
      Here is a legible copy (hopefully):    
    • Lydia_R
      I pulled this out of a stack of old military mementos yesterday.  I guess I didn't realize how cool this one was because I did so much of this kind of thing back then.    
    • Lydia_R
      This internet video thing is pretty amazing.  I'd call it Zoom, but there are other platforms out there.  I prefer Zoom over Teams because Zoom puts me and everyone else in the same picture.  I like seeing the whole group in one shot.  Teams of course is about having so many people that you can't get them in the shot, or is it?   Just saying that I have never met any of my counselors in person.  Doctors, of course I have and I am lucky there.  They are 3.5 miles from my house as is the main transgender surgery place in town.  I've been doing virtual visits with the medical doctors lately though.  It feels like once I became steady state, they don't need to interact with me physically that much.  I have enjoyed going into their office in my nice clothing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I guess a lot depends on where you start and where you wanna end up.  For me, doing the "boy form" thing has come with disadvantages.  Smaller skeleton, thinner bones, and skinny/tiny everything.  I'll never be taken seriously.  I guess the advantage is that my way of blending in is just kind of confusing.  "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"    One of the biggest arguments for starting transition early in life is I think it gives a person a greater ability to pass.  My two MtF friends started early, and pass really well.  They never got to the larger bone structure, beard, deep voice stuff.  Me being intersex (which is more complicated) and not getting around to "boy form" until my 30's, my body size and features were pretty much set in stone.      You're lucky.  Some folks pay all that and more, even AFTER insurance.  One of my friends faced the choice last year - pay for her final year of college or pay for her meds.  She's taken a year off from college to work and save up money to finish.    My medical expenses have been more injury-related than therapy or medication   The state covered some of it with a fund for crime victims, insurance covered a lot, but there's ended up being a few thousand dollars spent out-of-pocket since 2022 to put me back together again.  I've never found a decent therapist, but my husband has a psych degree among other things, so I figure talking with him is almost as good.  I do have a good doctor, although I have to drive a long way to a big city to see her.  Mostly she takes a basic look at me, and writes another year's prescription.  Since I'm non-op and only using testosterone cream for a localized effect, its pretty simple stuff. 
    • Lydia_R
      I'm a tracker and I've paid for 100% of my transition costs out of pocket.  Counseling was a huge, huge part of my transition and well worth my money.  Not to be uppity about all of this.  I'm just sharing information I have because I have it and it may be useful for others.  Here is my analysis of my spending on transition over the last 2.5 years:   Medical Doctors and Blood Draws: $2,397 Counseling: $3,800 Medications (brand name): $2,702.85 Medications (generic): $485.39 Total: $9,385.24   I picked up on the internet early in transition that transition is a consumer activity.  I tend to agree with that.   This year (Jan - May 18th, 2024), I've spent: Medical Doctors: $102 Medications: $241.52 Total: $343.52   So I'm on a much more sustainable path with it.  I'm pretty happy with where I am with it, although I do still desire surgery and am nervous about how that will all unfold.  But my doctors have me on this steady state thing.  I could seek out other medications, but what I'm doing is good enough.  Oh, I'm missing something....  I did a bunch of electrolysis that didn't appear to have any effect.  I've always enjoyed shaving and I use pink shaving cream now (I've got some lipstick blond in me).  It's good enough.  Not sure if I'll do electro or laser in the future.  The need to shave my body has become less and less.  Before HRT, I was shaving my body weekly or even every 5 days.  Now it is more like 2-3 weeks.  Everyone's body hair is different.  My beard is very coarse and stiff while my body hair has been somewhat minimal and light.  It's nice to have smooth legs and not have to shave as much.   Counseling was $200/session.  I tried one or two counselors before I found one who resonated with where I really was.  When I was prescribed HRT, I didn't fill the prescription until 4 months later.  I had to take some time to decide that I really wanted to take on that lifetime financial commitment.  And of course the possibly negative health consequences too, but I think I was actually thinking more about the finances of it all.  Maybe 51%.   I did a lot of work to revitalize my career before jumping into medical transition.  I started counseling 3 months before I got the best paying job of my life.  The pressure of wanting to transition was so great that I couldn't wait any longer.  She was coming out.  Even though I had very little money, I splurged on some nice dresses and a full length mirror and then started counseling.  Sometimes you just have to move forward and hope for the best.  Other times it is better to wait and do some hard work.  The grace of it all..
    • Ivy
      And when the pressure is released it sucks in heat.  I had a regulator leaking and it was covered with ice.  It's how a heat pump works as well.   Why do they always pick names like this?  It's like the exact opposite of what it really is. I hate politics so much.  But I still have to follow it.
    • Lydia_R
      Wonderful!  This reminds me of a discussion I had with my brother a decade ago.  I said that things expand when they get hotter.  He said, no, they expand when they get colder.  And I had to think about that for a while.  The weird thing is that H20 is special in that when it reaches freezing, it expands.   The pressure makes the cold and then we see the condensation.
    • KatieSC
      I used to have a really good therapist, however, she does not accept health insurance reimbursement fees as they are too low. I had to pay 130 per session. When she decided to jack the rates to 185 per hour, I cut bait. Without a doubt, counseling is very helpful. What concerns me greatly is that we are a vulnerable population. Unfortunately, we can easily be targeted for some pretty high fees. How many of us have been in the situation where our healthcare provider, surgeons, or counselors, have required cash payments? We get jammed as well by the health insurance companies as they often will not pay for items that could be essential to our well-being. It is my contention that our chances of being targeted for violence, death, or harassment, go up when we cannot easily blend in with the female population.    For those of us that are MTF, some of us are blessed with more feminine features, and many of us are not. We get the whammy of a larger skeleton, bigger hands, bigger feet, a beard, a deep voice, and masculine face. It takes a lot for some of us to be able to blend in. My belief is that the better we blend in, the better chance we have of not being targeted. In this, electrolysis, facial feminizing/gender affirming facial surgery, voice/speech therapy with voice feminization/gender affirming voice surgery, and body contouring are all potentially lifesaving. Unfortunately, many of the insurance companies deem the procedures as cosmetic, and yet there is no cosmetic that fixes all of these issues.    If you pay your money, you can get anything you want in this world. The sad reality is that for us, many of these procedures would enhance our lives tremendously, yet we face ongoing battles with our very existence. Yeah, an empathetic therapist helps, but is it just the concept of reasonable empathy at a reasonable cost? When my therapist jacked her rates to 185 per hour, I said enough is enough. Your mileage may vary.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I don't think the temperature matters as much.  Think about how gases like CO2 are stored in cylinders, and they are basically the same in summer or winter.  Any gas becomes liquid under enough pressure.  What does matter is the strength of the pressure vessel.  If exposed to excess external heat, pressure increases and can burst a tank or a pipe.  Household propane tanks are often painted white or silver and have safety release valves, because sunlight can heat a tank enough to cause a significant increase in internal pressure, even though the contents remain liquid. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It has been a long week, and I think this weekend is going to be pretty busy.  The high school is having their graduation later today.  Although we don't have any grads in our family this year, my husband is going because he's involved with the school.  And tonight there's the torchlight ceremony for the county cadets who are finishing their program, and the reading of assignments for the new seniors.  One of my stepkids will be a senior this year.  She's talented, and will be assigned a squad leader position.  My husband is really proud of her, and she's well-liked by her peers even though she's very quiet and serious.    I might get to go on a trip to Texas this week.  The storms that hit Houston caused a lot of electrical damage, so no doubt the utilities in that area will be ordering stuff from my husband's company.  When the big hurricane hit Florida in 2022, we made several trips there with badly-needed equipment, and the entire transportation department was involved in the first convoy.  When he travels, I usually want to go along, since 1-on-1 time is kind of rare for us. 
    • Mmindy
    • Lydia_R
      Maybe surface tension?   I was in a political debate yesterday and it got way too focused on social stuff and I just had to steer the conversation back to how natural gas transitions to a liquid under pressure.  One of the people I was debating had a career working in that field and it was a good opportunity to expose stuff like that.  He mentioned that it isn't just pressure, it is temperature too.  So then I mentioned how the lines are running underground and asked how that played a role in it.  He came back saying that natural gas is a liquid under pressure.  I guess I didn't get a straight answer on that, but it did move my thinking one step down the road.  Perhaps I should have been more direct with him and asked him at what temperature and pressure.  Is there a chart?   I feel people would be better off if they paid more attention to the objects in their environment instead of focusing on some of the things that we hear so much of in the news.  People are pretty clueless as to how much trigonometry plays a role in so many things in our society.  Even land surveyors don't really use it anymore because programmers locked it away in a function.  Much like how cascading style sheets (CSS) is a wrapper for math.  I wonder what former president Trump thinks about all of that?  He must have some knowledge of how his buildings are constructed, right?  There certainly is a part of me that thinks he is just putting on a show about all of this.  Perhaps I'm wrong though.  All kinds of people in the world.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...