Relationships...

[Guest Lelouch]

Sometimes, I can't help but be envious of bio-guys since they can pretty much get in a relationship so much easier than a trans-guy. I don't know if I ever will be able to find a girlfriend. I just want someone to be with, someone who will understand me and be there for me. I feel alone a lot of the time. I don't have any siblings and am not yet out to extended family and don't know if I ever will since they are closed minded for most of the part. I know that my parents are supportive and all, but that doesn't exactly fill in the emptiness I feel.

I hear from my friends that a lot of girls who I don't know have a crush on me, but I just shrug it off as people who have no idea who I really am. After all, how would I find someone if they knew who, or rather, what I really am?

[Guest Pól]

You might be surprised. I've met a few girls who haven't cared that I was trans. Are you stealth? Otherwise, you might as well give it a go. Also, if there's a lot of girls who like you who you don't know, you've got to take that as a positive sign, right?

It is hard, make no mistake about that, but it's not too easy for (straight) biomales either. They (as a population) are equally bad at speaking to pretty women -- there'll be a couple who are really good, but most are pants at it. It's the same for us too.

I'm a little confused -- are you out to your friends?

I hear you re: the family thing though.

[Guest Lelouch]

I'm out to a few of my closest friends. And I have to "be a girl" when I use the bathroom in college. Otherwise, I'm stealth. My college isn't that open on trans people yet.

[Guest Ashley C.]

Sounds like we're both looking for the same thing, Lelouch . To elaborate on what you said, dating as a bio guy was never easy for me, since every relationship I've ever had has imploded because of me being TG (which, at the time, I couldn't put my finger on what was causing all my problems until recently). Now that I know what was wrong before, I want to know more than anything what it feels like to truly love someone, totally unfettered from all of my gender concerns.

So...here's one girl who would be willing to at least give you a shot, and I don't even know you . Just hang in there...somebody who sees you for who you really are will come along eventually. At least, that's what I tell myself....

Love,

Ash

[Guest lvmyftm]

Try not to worry so much. I was rather surprised as well but my boyfriend has never had any trouble finding straight women that want to date him and/or sleep with him. He has said that he gets alot of questions from women when he first tells them but then they are cool with it.

[Guest My_Genesis]

It is hard, make no mistake about that, but it's not too easy for (straight) biomales either. They (as a population) are equally bad at speaking to pretty women -- there'll be a couple who are really good, but most are pants at it. It's the same for us too.

Try not to worry so much. I was rather surprised as well but my boyfriend has never had any trouble finding straight women that want to date him and/or sleep with him. He has said that he gets alot of questions from women when he first tells them but then they are cool with it.

I think in a way we've actually got an advantage here: being socialized as female can help us relate better to women... and they probably see it as "sensitive" or whatever else... i don't really like to consider myself sensitive lol but I have grown up with more female friends than most cis straight bioguys have (there are exceptions to that of course.) So hang in there, we are not necessarily at a disadvantage.

[Guest lvmyftm]

I think in a way we've actually got an advantage here: being socialized as female can help us relate better to women... and they probably see it as "sensitive" or whatever else... i don't really like to consider myself sensitive lol but I have grown up with more female friends than most cis straight bioguys have (there are exceptions to that of course.) So hang in there, we are not necessarily at a disadvantage.

My boyfriend and I were talking about that the other day..well kinda. He was saying that when dating straight women he would often tell them to slow things down and not have sex before they got to know each other pretty well. I was kinda laughing at that knowing that he was putting sex off cuz he hadn't told them he was trans yet and them just thinking that he is such a gentleman not just wanting sex from them. lol

[Guest My_Genesis]

My boyfriend and I were talking about that the other day..well kinda. He was saying that when dating straight women he would often tell them to slow things down and not have sex before they got to know each other pretty well. I was kinda laughing at that knowing that he was putting sex off cuz he hadn't told them he was trans yet and them just thinking that he is such a gentleman not just wanting sex from them. lol

lol! nice.

[Guest Pól]

My boyfriend and I were talking about that the other day..well kinda. He was saying that when dating straight women he would often tell them to slow things down and not have sex before they got to know each other pretty well. I was kinda laughing at that knowing that he was putting sex off cuz he hadn't told them he was trans yet and them just thinking that he is such a gentleman not just wanting sex from them. lol

This works really well. I've used it often.

[Guest Ashley C.]

This works really well. I've used it often.

Riiight....and just remember, if you ever find yourself attracted to an MtF, we used to be male once upon a time...we know all your tricks

Ash

[Guest Pól]

Riiight....and just remember, if you ever find yourself attracted to an MtF, we used to be male once upon a time...we know all your tricks

Ash

You might know all the tricks, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't be interested in a feen with a bit of 'romantic, sensitive' side anyway

[Guest Evan_J]

I hear from my friends that a lot of girls who I don't know have a crush on me,

Pol actually was speaking to this assumption on your part; actually there likely are a LOT of girls who dig on you the thing is you don't know it. Assuming you're not on T, its not like they "think you're bio" very likely. They would be drawn to the masculine "energy" you give off (some could even be wondering "what the hey? I don't like female people like that and yet I like this person). So attracting people isn't the the thing . The thing is whether or not they will want to pursue it in the face of public pressures and confronted with some of their own homophobia and personal identity security stuff.

Like lvmyftm said though (and I think its just "women") women seem more capable of saying "hmmm" pulling back, looking at the situation, and deciding if they want to pursue the relationship despite public opinion. Some of course won't be. But even they -if they really dig you- seem to experience being "torn".

My boyfriend and I were talking about that the other day..well kinda. He was saying that when dating straight women he would often tell them to slow things down and not have sex before they got to know each other pretty well. I was kinda laughing at that knowing that he was putting sex off cuz he hadn't told them he was trans yet and them just thinking that he is such a gentleman not just wanting sex from them. lol

And yeah, that does work, right up until you get a little tired of being "good" lol and figure "oh what the hell, who the h are we playing with here" LOL I think it happens close to 30. At least for me. Then you have to figure out what your disclosure point is. I have a buddy who's discussed it often cuz he dates kind of "a lot", and initially dated ggs exclusively (he's since added transladies) and he "swears by" the "education" method. Take it slow, reassure her she hasn't suddenly "turned gay", and explain what you are from your perspective and most of em are fine. I'm trustin him . Cuz his experience is what I got

and

This works really well. I've used it often.

Pol lol you just leavin em laid out up at college aren't you? LOL (as in , in a swooned and starry eyed state of being)

[Guest Ashley C.]

You might know all the tricks, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't be interested in a feen with a bit of 'romantic, sensitive' side anyway

Touche'.

[Guest lvmyftm]

Pol actually was speaking to this assumption on your part; actually there likely are a LOT of girls who dig on you the thing is you don't know it. Assuming you're not on T, its not like they "think you're bio" very likely. They would be drawn to the masculine "energy" you give off (some could even be wondering "what the hey? I don't like female people like that and yet I like this person). So attracting people isn't the the thing . The thing is whether or not they will want to pursue it in the face of public pressures and confronted with some of their own homophobia and personal identity security stuff.

Like lvmyftm said though (and I think its just "women") women seem more capable of saying "hmmm" pulling back, looking at the situation, and deciding if they want to pursue the relationship despite public opinion. Some of course won't be. But even they -if they really dig you- seem to experience being "torn".

And yeah, that does work, right up until you get a little tired of being "good" lol and figure "oh what the hell, who the h are we playing with here" LOL I think it happens close to 30. At least for me. Then you have to figure out what your disclosure point is. I have a buddy who's discussed it often cuz he dates kind of "a lot", and initially dated ggs exclusively (he's since added transladies) and he "swears by" the "education" method. Take it slow, reassure her she hasn't suddenly "turned gay", and explain what you are from your perspective and most of em are fine. I'm trustin him . Cuz his experience is what I got

and

Pol lol you just leavin em laid out up at college aren't you? LOL (as in , in a swooned and starry eyed state of being)

I am not quite sure where you find the happy medium of getting to know the person long enough and being a "gentleman" before disclosure and putting it off long enough that it looks like you aren't interested in that person in that way. Luckily I didn't have that issue with my guy as I knew years before I knew he had any interest in me.

Women in general are probably more accepting of dating a trans person than a bio male would be, just due to the social stigma that goes with the chance of being precieved as gay. In many circles it can be "cool" or "trendy" for a woman to be seen as gay but not the same for guys. There is less risk of rejections from friends for a woman to say that her man used to be female too than it would be for a guy to say his girlfriend used to be a man as well.

I am on several email lists for partners and there are plenty of women with transguys that have issues with public opinion as well as their own ID issues due to the relationship.

[Guest Evan_J]

I am on several email lists for partners and there are plenty of women with transguys that have issues with public opinion as well as their own ID issues due to the relationship.

Do you think you see more previously-iding straight women having those issues or previously iding lesbian women? (Yeah go ahead and add bi women )

For me, I think the thing would be not revealing too soon. Cuz I'm headed straight for the "prize" or something lol.

Its a valid concern (waits for laughter to subside)

[Guest My_Genesis]

Do you think you see more previously-iding straight women having those issues or previously iding lesbian women? (Yeah go ahead and add bi women )

Well I know some girls on YouTube (if you watch TMatesFTM videos) who id as straight and love to reaffirm the fact that they've only ever dated guys, so it's not like they are in a lesbian relationship. They seem to be very sure of themselves and their identity as straight women. Same with bi women. But with lesbians, a lot of the time the line is blurred and it's like, how can you be a lesbian and be into a guy? So I think that is likely to create tension. Again this is just from stuff I've seen not first-hand knowledge. I personally wouldn't be interested in dating a lesbian to begin with... I think that just complicates things.

[Guest lvmyftm]

Do you think you see more previously-iding straight women having those issues or previously iding lesbian women? (Yeah go ahead and add bi women )

For me, I think the thing would be not revealing too soon. Cuz I'm headed straight for the "prize" or something lol.

Its a valid concern (waits for laughter to subside)

I think it is more of the lesbian women having issues than the straight ones. Not that the straight women don't have issues as well, but at least they tend to go into the relationship knowing whats up. The lesbian ones generally met as lesbians and then their partner changed and they aren't happy about it. They seem to either reject and fight his transition tooth and nail or the transition process with him being happy about all the changes and her being bitter about them tends to tear the relationship apart. I would think it would be easiest for bi women, though I still have my own issues to deal with...just not identity ones.

I agree that revealing too soon would probably be more of an issue. Its not like you want to tell someone who is just going to freak out and tell EVERYONE in town about you. I am not sure what the "normal" waiting period in hetro relationships is before having sex, but I would think if there wasn't something going on in that department by the end of that waiting period she might see that as you not being interested in her in that way or that you aren't attracted to her.

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

And this ladies and gentlemen is why I have given up on identifying sexually. It is a blurred line but at the end of the day it doesn't matter so I gave up. I don't care. Please believe you will see my butt at Pride every year but if I had to choose between identifying my sexuality and keep my husband comfortable I would say to heck with being a homo. It's whatev. I love that man and if that makes me straight so be it. :-)Sure I fought to keep my identity but I fought harder to keep my husband. In the end one had to go. You all know which one I chose.

Well I know some girls on YouTube (if you watch TMatesFTM videos) who id as straight and love to reaffirm the fact that they've only ever dated guys, so it's not like they are in a lesbian relationship. They seem to be very sure of themselves and their identity as straight women. Same with bi women. But with lesbians, a lot of the time the line is blurred and it's like, how can you be a lesbian and be into a guy? So I think that is likely to create tension. Again this is just from stuff I've seen not first-hand knowledge. I personally wouldn't be interested in dating a lesbian to begin with... I think that just complicates things.

To get back to the original question. I don't think your gonna have an easier time with a lesbian, or a straight woman, or a bi woman. You just have to find the right person in general.

[Guest My_Genesis]

To get back to the original question. I don't think your gonna have an easier time with a lesbian, or a straight woman, or a bi woman. You just have to find the right person in general.

That is definitely important... lol.

I mean, if they don't accept you being trans, they are not worth it. That's clue #1 that it's not the right person

[Guest Evan_J]

I am not sure what the "normal" waiting period in hetro relationships is before having sex, but I would think if there wasn't something going on in that department by the end of that waiting period she might see that as you not being interested in her in that way or that you aren't attracted to her.

hmmm. I wonder what that waiting period is too.

Any contributors?

And this ladies and gentlemen is why I have given up on identifying sexually. It is a blurred line but at the end of the day it doesn't matter so I gave up. I don't care. Please believe you will see my butt at Pride every year but if I had to choose between identifying my sexuality and keep my husband comfortable I would say to heck with being a homo. It's whatev. I love that man and if that makes me straight so be it. :-)Sure I fought to keep my identity but I fought harder to keep my husband. In the end one had to go. You all know which one I chose.

I feel you on the "Pride" thing; cuz its something you went through. AND you do still believe in the equal rights. But as for "being straight" (shrugs) its just a "word". True enough its a word some of us get "defensive" about because we like being it (thats why I can respect the Lesbians or whoever who like their "title", but it doesn't change you. If you were gonna refuse to be with him you'd refuse under any title. All the title does (and it might not be doing it in all cases which is why peeps should find out) is give people an idea what group of people you date out of. It becomes "stupid" when you assume and attach 9999 other things to it; because I'm straight I'm good, god fearing, pay my taxes, etc.

[Guest CharlieRose]

That is definitely important... lol.

I mean, if they don't accept you being trans, they are not worth it. That's clue #1 that it's not the right person

Yeah, that's very true. Transpeople kind of mess up categorizing things by gender in general, ha ha.

I have no idea what the heck is going to end up happening to me, since I'm into guys. I would think of it as a gay relationship, and I think of myself as a gay guy, but a lot of the gay cisguys I know are very "Ew, vagina!" I don't know if it's just a maturity thing, or if they were faced with a relationship they would be able to get over it, but it worries me that the fact that I'm trans could break potential relationships. People have said that I'll find someone, but I just hate that it's going to be that much harder for me. It's hard enough already for most people. *sigh* I don't think I'll stop worrying until my wedding day.

[Guest Pól]

Pol lol you just leavin em laid out up at college aren't you? LOL (as in , in a swooned and starry eyed state of being)

That is the best way to leave 'em , but the boy's asking for relationship help. Different game entirely there.

[Guest Evan_J]

That is the best way to leave 'em , but the boy's asking for relationship help. Different game entirely there.

Its a different game after you attain them. True, there can be some variation on attaining for different purposes. But how to get em is about gettin em I think is what I was looking at. What you wanna make em into is this lads problem lol .

And you're sure its a relationship you want ? (Only playing)

Actually I'm not that great at relationships. 3 1/2 years is my best time on maintaining a good relationship thats in good status.

I can tell you how to find the girl. I can tell you how to woo the girl. I can even tell you how to start off. But the "forever" thing? That I didn't conquer. And disclosure as trans is definatley new.

[Guest lvmyftm]

Its a different game after you attain them. True, there can be some variation on attaining for different purposes. But how to get em is about gettin em I think is what I was looking at. What you wanna make em into is this lads problem lol .

And you're sure its a relationship you want ? (Only playing)

Actually I'm not that great at relationships. 3 1/2 years is my best time on maintaining a good relationship thats in good status.

I can tell you how to find the girl. I can tell you how to woo the girl. I can even tell you how to start off. But the "forever" thing? That I didn't conquer. And disclosure as trans is definatley new.

That is not too surprising to me. I almost responded to another one of your posts that my interputation on first read might contribute to that, but then on rereading it I got a different meaning and didn't say anything.....I can elaborate another day....on a road trip for a few days.