Not Liking What I'm Seeing >.<

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I have been struggling with Anorexia since I was 14 years old, this is when it became full blown...

I remember before I turned 11 that we would get this Slim Fast drinks and bars from some people. I don't remember why I just knew we were getting them. I wonder if it's because we were poor...?

Anyways, I knew that they were to help with losing weight... My parents would yell at me if I ate/drank too many in a day... I remember hiding them so that they wouldn't find out. When I was 11 I moved in with my grandmother. For the most part she only allowed us 1 serving of what ever we were eating if it wasn't a Holiday...

When I was 13, I got kicked out. I went into Foster Care. When I was 14 things got out of hand.

I only ate one meal a day or if I got caught NOT eating. I drank as much water as I could instead.

I was always small. Never going above 100 pounds. My younger brother was always bigger than me.

I only ate when I had to and being in foster homes and group homes didn't help me much

In 2006, I was put on psych medications and side effects were weight gain

Between October 2006 and the beginning of 2007 I went from 90 pounds up to 100. Then up to 120... Then all the way to 150 Just because of those medications...

At this point I was in a group home and if I didn't eat I would be put on this thing called a Safety Plan. Which means I couldn't do ANYTHING. It really sucked so I had to eat

I was watched at school too so I had to eat there.

In 2008 I met this foster family and the plan was for me to move there. Which I did in January 2009. I was no longer being watched at school. So I slowly started to eat less. I wasn't being monitored with my medication. In other words they didn't sit there and watch me take them, I still went to Doctors though.

I slowly took less and less. At one point they caught me. They noticed there was way more in the bottle then there should have been and I admitted to missing a lot of my morning and afternoon dosages. It was a lie but had to be done. Then on July 1, 2009 I stopped them for good.

During the time that I had slowly decreased my medication, I started to loose the weight. I went down to 115 in July.

Now nearly a year later I am at 95 pounds. I still feel like I need to be smaller...

I have to go back on my medication because I am so bad right now

I worry though that I may stop them if they make me gain weight

Today I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror and all I thought about was how fat and nasty and ugly I am. I don't see how anyone could this horrible thing attractive...

I have tried to get over this but it's just as hard as getting over anything else

These days I will go from eating a whole bunch in one day to eating next to nothing the next day...

It gets bad. And I don't know how to make myself eat. I eat just enough so that I don't go into starvation mode because I don't want to gain weight I want to lose it.

I just needed to vent about all this I have been holding inside for way too long

[Guest Carden]

Sorry to hear that!!

): Be strong, hun.

<3 Card.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Geo

Self image problem - you hate getting to the size you feel your body shows your natal female characteristics - its a common problem with non-trans natal girls too - those who want to NOT grow up and assume the traditional biological female role - tose who like just being pre-puberty girls forever.

As guy - yes, it makes sense - but not eating is counterproductive. Guys weigh more than girls - usually a lot more. You need to rethink all that - maybe bulk up with exercise. Many jock female bodied people lose a lot of their obvious female secondary sexual characteristics because all the nutrition is going toward sports related body building.

Plus - you will eventually be on T - you need a full size, healthy body or the physicians WILL NOT prescribe it for you.

So rethink the situation, maybe. Come up with a plan of action...

My opinion!

Lizzy

[JenniferB]

Geo,

I am sorry this is a problem for you. My suggestion is to start researching nutrition so you can understand what each type of food does to and for you. If you eat higher quality nutritional food, you won't need to eat as much and receive greater benefit. Another thing to consider is to eat smaller meals but more often. Eat 5 or 6 times a day making sure you eat 1 portion of protein and 1 portion of carbohydrate. You also need a small amount of fat with every meal. Extra virgin olive oil is a good choice if you need to add fat.

One problem of not eating enough is that your body will start breaking down muscle and using it for food if it feels like it is starving. You don't want that.

One more point is that muscle weighs more than fat so you can't use weight as the only measure to maximize health.

I hope you can find that healthy balance for your body.

Love Susan

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

Sorry to hear that!!

): Be strong, hun.

<3 Card.

*hugs*

Thank you

<3

Geo

Self image problem - you hate getting to the size you feel your body shows your natal female characteristics - its a common problem with non-trans natal girls too - those who want to NOT grow up and assume the traditional biological female role - tose who like just being pre-puberty girls forever.

As guy - yes, it makes sense - but not eating is counterproductive. Guys weigh more than girls - usually a lot more. You need to rethink all that - maybe bulk up with exercise. Many jock female bodied people lose a lot of their obvious female secondary sexual characteristics because all the nutrition is going toward sports related body building.

Plus - you will eventually be on T - you need a full size, healthy body or the physicians WILL NOT prescribe it for you.

So rethink the situation, maybe. Come up with a plan of action...

My opinion!

Lizzy

At what weight do you have to be? To get HRT? I don't look unhealthy at all... Maybe I shouldn't judge that...

I do need to exercise and build muscle I just don't know where to start... I don't have gym equipment or anywhere to go to use any.

I think that is what my issue is... The bigger I am the worse I look... Too feminine of a body >.< Although there were times I was refered to as "sir" and "he" when bigger... But I think that's just because I was wearing baggy clothes

Geo,

I am sorry this is a problem for you. My suggestion is to start researching nutrition so you can understand what each type of food does to and for you. If you eat higher quality nutritional food, you won't need to eat as much and receive greater benefit. Another thing to consider is to eat smaller meals but more often. Eat 5 or 6 times a day making sure you eat 1 portion of protein and 1 portion of carbohydrate. You also need a small amount of fat with every meal. Extra virgin olive oil is a good choice if you need to add fat.

One problem of not eating enough is that your body will start breaking down muscle and using it for food if it feels like it is starving. You don't want that.

One more point is that muscle weighs more than fat so you can't use weight as the only measure to maximize health.

I hope you can find that healthy balance for your body.

Love Susan

I could do all that research but it's not going to help my current situation. It can for the future so I will look things up. Here's why it won't for my current situation:

I live with my mum and her bf.. They buy the food. Normally they buy things that you cook in the microwave... Like ramen for example...

Not too healthy. But I have been trying to get them to buy other things as well to make meals. And they did. But they won't buy things like other healthy foods >.< I hardly go with them but I try to as much as possible.

Also, to make the ramen a little more better... A friend of mine suggested adding tuna to it (or ham because I had ham at the time ) so I added the tuna and it tasted good and filled me up plus doesn't tuna have protein? And it's cheap too $0.70 a can

[JenniferB]

IC. Well maybe try to get your mother to buy simple food, yet healthy. Some suggestions are fresh fruit or some nuts, like almonds or pecans. Things that are healthy, don't spoil quicly, and you don't have to cook or prepare. I do realize though that your choices are limited.

Good Luck

Love Susan

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

IC. Well maybe try to get your mother to buy simple food, yet healthy. Some suggestions are fresh fruit or some nuts, like almonds or pecans. Things that are healthy, don't spoil quicly, and you don't have to cook or prepare. I do realize though that your choices are limited.

Good Luck

Love Susan

I will have to suggest that to her for the next time we go shopping. For the most part we shop at Wal-Mart and they don't have fruit and such so I need to talk to them about going elsewhere for other stuff.

Thank you

[Guest Polly]

Hi Lee Asher .

It seems to me that you are trying to do something about your difficulty - many butch women put on too much weight to disguise the size of her top half ,

i am overeight 'cos it means i have more definition to what should have been my breasts .

Do try and educate your mother , you are doing great .

Respect

Pollydee

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

Hi Lee Asher .

It seems to me that you are trying to do something about your difficulty - many butch women put on too much weight to disguise the size of her top half ,

i am overeight 'cos it means i have more definition to what should have been my breasts .

Do try and educate your mother , you are doing great .

Respect

Pollydee

I have been eating more. Trying to at least. Not healthy because we have yet to go shopping for good food! I took my friend Stu's advice on adding tuna to Ramen and that gives me some protein so that works plus it's like really really good

I am trying to but she's not smart and doesn't get half the things that I say.

Thank you

[megandb]

I have been eating more. Trying to at least. Not healthy because we have yet to go shopping for good food! I took my friend Stu's advice on adding tuna to Ramen and that gives me some protein so that works plus it's like really really good

I am trying to but she's not smart and doesn't get half the things that I say.

Thank you

Lee you know me and what i tell you everyday, lol I am glad you are eating more, i dissagree that tuna and ramen is good tuna yeah ramen not so much its what i eat if i want to lose weight, but if it works for you then eat ramen and tuna all the time, and if Stu said its good it may be, he is never wrong lol, add stuff to it like some peas or anything you fancy to change it up from time to time so it doesnt get boring. You know we are all here for you when ever you need and for any reason

Megan Jessica

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

Lee you know me and what i tell you everyday, lol I am glad you are eating more, i dissagree that tuna and ramen is good tuna yeah ramen not so much its what i eat if i want to lose weight, but if it works for you then eat ramen and tuna all the time, and if Stu said its good it may be, he is never wrong lol, add stuff to it like some peas or anything you fancy to change it up from time to time so it doesnt get boring. You know we are all here for you when ever you need and for any reason

Megan Jessica

Yea Stu is *never* wrong

More ramen for me then

I don't fancy any veggies Unless salad counts as a veggie What else could I add to it?

Of course you are

Love you

[Guest My_Genesis]

I agree with Lizzy. Having secondary sex characteristics of the wrong sex that only are accentuated by weight gain = sad panda. lol. All the more reason to start T!! More on that later... about exercising - have you thought about buying weights? When I go back to college I am probably gonna keep some weights in my room because it's just more convenient than going to a gym. I will have gyms around on campus but if I decide I am a lazy butt one day lol I will just use the weights. Upper body strength is an important part of a more "masculine" looking body so you might wanna consider weights. Also you can build up gradually to heavier ones, so you won't feel overwhelmed.

Also, in regards to what is a healthy weight - check out the BMI scale. It accounts for sex differences. Try putting in your height and weight as female and then as male and you can probably get an idea of what they want you to weigh. You will be MORE likely to be underweight if you put yourself in as male - as was said guys are supposed to weigh more. So if you think of it that way... and then you can also get a general idea what a healthy weight is so that you know going in that that won't be an issue with starting T.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I agree with Lizzy. Having secondary sex characteristics of the wrong sex that only are accentuated by weight gain = sad panda. lol. All the more reason to start T!! More on that later... about exercising - have you thought about buying weights? When I go back to college I am probably gonna keep some weights in my room because it's just more convenient than going to a gym. I will have gyms around on campus but if I decide I am a lazy butt one day lol I will just use the weights. Upper body strength is an important part of a more "masculine" looking body so you might wanna consider weights. Also you can build up gradually to heavier ones, so you won't feel overwhelmed.

Also, in regards to what is a healthy weight - check out the BMI scale. It accounts for sex differences. Try putting in your height and weight as female and then as male and you can probably get an idea of what they want you to weigh. You will be MORE likely to be underweight if you put yourself in as male - as was said guys are supposed to weigh more. So if you think of it that way... and then you can also get a general idea what a healthy weight is so that you know going in that that won't be an issue with starting T.

I was planning on getting weights when I have the money. I don't know when that'll be! As soon as I can though

For the female weight I am all set, not underweight (99 pounds now ). I found out yesterday when I went to the Dr and that means that I lost like 2 pounds within a couple weeks

And it's *if* I start T. I may not start for a long time (with what I am going to be doing for a friend).

For the whole male weight, if I gain then my body features will show more Yea not thanks...

I checked it out before and I am "underweight" for the male weight but just right for the female weight

[Guest My_Genesis]

I was planning on getting weights when I have the money. I don't know when that'll be! As soon as I can though

For the female weight I am all set, not underweight (99 pounds now ). I found out yesterday when I went to the Dr and that means that I lost like 2 pounds within a couple weeks

And it's *if* I start T. I may not start for a long time (with what I am going to be doing for a friend).

For the whole male weight, if I gain then my body features will show more Yea not thanks...

I checked it out before and I am "underweight" for the male weight but just right for the female weight

on the bmi scale 99lbs isn't underweight for you? Then you are probably ok. But if/when you do start T you are probably going to gain weight. Don't flip out if you do. Being that you are going to have a more masculinized body though, your ED-related issues may resolve on their own... who knows.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

on the bmi scale 99lbs isn't underweight for you? Then you are probably ok. But if/when you do start T you are probably going to gain weight. Don't flip out if you do. Being that you are going to have a more masculinized body though, your ED-related issues may resolve on their own... who knows.

It's going to suck when I am on T and gaining weight. I will just have to work out more and I know that I can do it so I am just going to have to get off my butt and do it

[Guest My_Genesis]

It's going to suck when I am on T and gaining weight. I will just have to work out more and I know that I can do it so I am just going to have to get off my butt and do it

lol. But remember... muscle weighs more than fat. And the weight you gain will go to masculine places like your arms and waist (as opposed to hips, so your body is more like | | than ) ( ) lol

[JJ]

Hi there Braveheart,

Found you here too.

I've had some experience with weight gain and meds. I took one for depression that caused me to gain 80lbs-Ugh!-Dr knew it could but didn't tell me. I kept trying different ones till I finally found one that caused me to feel great and lose weight. Lost 90 lbs-so I ended up ahead of the game. I've always been curvy and could affort that 10lbs, but the point is there is also an array of meds for you. BUT you have to tell your Dr,. up front, that you won't keep taking them if they cause weight gain. I've told you about my nephew-he actually exercised more. firmed up and looked great when he got the meds right. . Nothing else will really keep working w/ out that.

One important note. If you suddenly stop taking some meds you can develop discontinuity syndrome and get really sick or worse yet never be able to take that type again. Not just that one but that whole class. So follow Dr's orders on that. I can't take that antidepressant again-ever-because I stopped it suddenly when things got better. When they got worse -as they do from time to time-I had to go to something that didn't work as well.

As for salads-I always made huge chef salads and how much they make you gain weight just depends on the dressing. You can add ham, chicken, egg, cheese and fresh veggies (summer is a good time for that-any farmer's market there-usually much fresher and cheaper). I also sometimes add bacon and mushrooms. cucumber or green pepper-whatever you like. Then season it before the dressing w/ salt,pepper and garlic or your favorite spices. I'm famous for my salads-people beg me to make them and fight over the leftovers and it's just that they have everything but the kitchen sink and are seasoned.

If you like tuna this may sound gross but it's good. Put a can of tuna an a slice of cheese ove a baked potato. Had it at a potato bar and have made it ever since. Potatoes are cheap and good for you and can kind of give you a lift from the starch.

As for being hungry-what the others said is so true. But you can fool yourself. Use rich dressing , cheeses stuff like that to add a little extra although those aren't as good as nutritious foods-go with what works so you can have the handsome body you deserve.

Can you make a list for your mom toget some stuff for you?

Just a few ideas.

Love Ya

JJ

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

lol. But remember... muscle weighs more than fat. And the weight you gain will go to masculine places like your arms and waist (as opposed to hips, so your body is more like | | than ) ( ) lol

That was funny And yeah I know that soon I will have to NOT go by weight to determine if I am small enough or not... Once on T I have to watch all that...

Hi there Braveheart,

Found you here too.

I've had some experience with weight gain and meds. I took one for depression that caused me to gain 80lbs-Ugh!-Dr knew it could but didn't tell me. I kept trying different ones till I finally found one that caused me to feel great and lose weight. Lost 90 lbs-so I ended up ahead of the game. I've always been curvy and could affort that 10lbs, but the point is there is also an array of meds for you. BUT you have to tell your Dr,. up front, that you won't keep taking them if they cause weight gain. I've told you about my nephew-he actually exercised more. firmed up and looked great when he got the meds right. . Nothing else will really keep working w/ out that.

One important note. If you suddenly stop taking some meds you can develop discontinuity syndrome and get really sick or worse yet never be able to take that type again. Not just that one but that whole class. So follow Dr's orders on that. I can't take that antidepressant again-ever-because I stopped it suddenly when things got better. When they got worse -as they do from time to time-I had to go to something that didn't work as well.

As for salads-I always made huge chef salads and how much they make you gain weight just depends on the dressing. You can add ham, chicken, egg, cheese and fresh veggies (summer is a good time for that-any farmer's market there-usually much fresher and cheaper). I also sometimes add bacon and mushrooms. cucumber or green pepper-whatever you like. Then season it before the dressing w/ salt,pepper and garlic or your favorite spices. I'm famous for my salads-people beg me to make them and fight over the leftovers and it's just that they have everything but the kitchen sink and are seasoned.

If you like tuna this may sound gross but it's good. Put a can of tuna an a slice of cheese ove a baked potato. Had it at a potato bar and have made it ever since. Potatoes are cheap and good for you and can kind of give you a lift from the starch.

As for being hungry-what the others said is so true. But you can fool yourself. Use rich dressing , cheeses stuff like that to add a little extra although those aren't as good as nutritious foods-go with what works so you can have the handsome body you deserve.

Can you make a list for your mom toget some stuff for you?

Just a few ideas.

Love Ya

JJ

I have to figure something else out... Pretty soon my mum won't be feeding me... I don't know how to explain that and don't want to do that here... Since it's not about my ED...

I love salad (I think that I told you this already). Not the plain salad... But like what you described... Yummy!!! Now I am hungry I think that I should eat... Not normally sitting at my computer at this time... Not used to it...

Since I may be moving soon there is no point in asked my mum about anything or telling her what I like to eat. But I should make a list anyways for myself...

Love ya

Braveheart