Transitioning At 50?

[Guest Sabine1]

I'm brand new to the forum, but not to the issues. I want to learn more about the challenges and possibilities open to someone transitioning in middle age. I'm 50, and have been struggling with gender identity since I was about 5. I never married, have no children, and I rarely dated, though I did have three long term relationships with women (over three years each), but while these were not to try to affirm maleness, I was close to each, I did come to understand that I had problems interacting with them as a male, and that I still saw myself as female. I have lived privately as female on and off for years (meaning at home, and in a limited way in public.) I am looking for a therapist at the moment to help sort through all this, and to decide if I should fully transition.

I am well read in the literature (medical and popular) about the procedures, treatments, what to expect or not to expect, and the challenges. What I'd like to hear more about is the experiences of women like me who chose this later in life, and what they have encountered. I am aware I may lose contact with some family (this is a major concern of course, but that's something to cover with the therapist as well), but I am mostly concerned about social life and living alone from here on -- and even dying alone -- without a partner.

I have no illusions about what I might look like -- I'm nearly 6' and masculine, was 165 lbs in my late 30s (200 now, but know I can get back to 160 or so, though I'm not sure what effect HRT will have either way) and never had had a chest smaller than 41 In as an adult -- I also know that much of who I am has less to do with my appearance than my personality etc. I also am happy with my own company most of the time, and am not looking for affirmation of my gender through a relationship.

What have other women of my age experienced, good and bad, regretted, or were happily surprised about? And was the personal cost worth it to you? O'd love to see a thread about 50+ transitioning.

Sabine

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sabine.....

Hello, Hon.....

Welcome to the Playground...

I'm Donna Jean.

So, let me tell you that I am 60 (started transition at 58) I've been on HRT 16 months and I'm mostly out except for at work...

I'm 30 years married and still together....

I fully intend on going all the way through surgery.

My 62 year old sister is my biggest supporter and I really have no other family....

I led a very "male" life...years of denial...so I over compensated for my feelings by being VERY macho....and doing dangerous things....

I hope that this is the kind of info that you seek.....I'd be willing to talk more if you so desire....

It's nice to have you here...

Oh, and after 5 posts you will be able to use the Private Messenger and talk with anyone here privately...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest angie]

I was like Donna Jean..a macho man to the extreme.

I used hypermasculinity to hide my deeply buried inner

femininity.Am now three years in transition,and living as

a woman for over three and a half years. I remember when

I first came out. I told everyone when they asked what the

heck I thought I was doing,"You can't see her yet,but she is

in there.Give it time and you will." As you can see by my avatar,

you can.Age,height,body size,has no bearing on becoming your

true self,and the freedom you feel once she is on her way.

Now other's see me,and they remember my words. I was born to

be a woman,and a woman I have become.And I could not be happier.

Welcome to the Playground and to the MTF forums our new sister.

Warm soft hugs,

Angelique

Oh yes...I am a young 54 also.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sabine, you wrote:

I'm 50, and have been struggling with gender identity since I was about 5. Me age 62 - 63rd birthday in two days. I knew age 3 and a half.

I never married, have no children, and I rarely dated, though I did have three long term relationships with women (over three years each), but while these were not to try to affirm maleness, I was close to each, I did come to understand that I had problems interacting with them as a male, and that I still saw myself as female. Well married three times - first wife died young, two divorced me when they found out about my true nature. Three children who are now adults and support me 100%. BUT my relationships were always female to female, I just hid it.

I have lived privately as female on and off for years (meaning at home, and in a limited way in public.) I was underground for 50 plus years. When my first wife died in childbirth I live full time female at home and raised my infant daughter. I came out in early November 2008 and opted for transition. I gradually lived more and more full time at home with a grudgingly acceptive wife until she had enough. I am living full time now - separated, actually, divorce filed. I still have to present male at work because I lost two jobs trying to transition.

I am looking for a therapist at the moment to help sort through all this, and to decide if I should fully transition. I have been in therapy since I came out. IT IS ESSENTIAL - as all your options must be supported by your therapist.

I am well read in the literature (medical and popular) about the procedures, treatments, what to expect or not to expect, and the challenges. What I'd like to hear more about is the experiences of women like me who chose this later in life, and what they have encountered. I am aware I may lose contact with some family (this is a major concern of course, but that's something to cover with the therapist as well), but I am mostly concerned about social life and living alone from here on -- and even dying alone -- without a partner. We older tranpeople have exactly those fears. I won't lie to you - you WILL lose friends - possibly family. BUT everyone who does stay with you will know you finally as you really are. That is such a relief! And living alone? Some do - but like me - I have two very close sister (t-Girls) and one is going to be a roommate. You realign with new friends and the best part? As your new self, you can really LOVE your friends. It is so liberating! Dying alone? Unlikely...

I have no illusions about what I might look like -- I'm nearly 6' and masculine, was 165 lbs in my late 30s (200 now, but know I can get back to 160 or so, though I'm not sure what effect HRT will have either way) and never had had a chest smaller than 41 In as an adult -- I also know that much of who I am has less to do with my appearance than my personality etc. I also am happy with my own company most of the time, and am not looking for affirmation of my gender through a relationship. Oh hon - how silly! Me? I am almost 6'-2" - 216 on the scale this morning - 42" chest - and I pass everywhere without the slightest problem. 50% is probablyly the effects of the HRT (I have breasts now - my face is feminized - no body hair - lots more) but the other part is ATTITUDE. Once you start going out and no one sees you except as a woman, then you start feeling good about passing. There can be about a year when you are so androgynous people look and think 'what gender is that person?" That was a part I hated. But it passes pretty quickly. I started our pretty masculine looking - now I am entirely feminine looking (see my avatar) after 18 months on HRT. Another thing? LONG HAIR! a great cue!

What have other women of my age experienced, good and bad, regretted, or were happily surprised about? And was the personal cost worth it to you? O'd love to see a thread about 50+ transitioning. Answered all that? Get your 5 posts in and then we can private message and I can tell you more (in PM). Dee Jay, Sally Carolyn Marie, Michele, Angie and MaryEllen - just to nane a few - we are well over age 50. Was it worth it OMG YES! Surprises? Sexual orientation shift, beautiful long hair that is impossible for my age, age reversal for the face caused by the HRT, my wonderful new friends! Learning that I didn't have to study and practice being a woman, I just tapped into what I have always been.

[Guest Opal]

Hi Sabine!

Welcome to Laura's, you have come to the right place, dear. I just recently started myself, just having had my third session with my therapist. I was really lucky to find her, as this is a rural area, with only one town over 10,000 population. I am 52, 6' tall, and 240lbs, but trying to lose more.

Like you, I've never been married, no kids, and just a few platonic relationships with others. I'm not sure where you might be from, but if at all possible, find yourself a qualified therapist, plus don't be afraid to change therapists, should the one you choose try to take you towards a different path than what you want to follow.

The people here are wonderful, and have really 'walked the walk' . Please feel free to post as you are comfortable doing so.

Hugs,

Opal

[JenniferB]

Hello Sabine,

I'm 50 years old, never married, and never had children. I am 6'1" and 224lbs atm. Been dropping weight quickly since I knew I was transgender. I just had my 3rd GT session and now she wants me to go out more dressed as a woman. So I haven't started HRT yet. There is a lot to learn, the hardest I'm finding is learning my fema.le voice.

Understand that that transitioning is very difficult, expensive, and painful. If you want to get rid of facial hair you will have to endure pain. You will go through an androgynous stage where people can't tell if you are male or female. But I'm willing to go through all this because of the power of gender dysphoria and becoming the person I'm meant to be.

Love Susan

[Guest BeckyTG]

Sabine,

Welcome to the group. You will love it here.

I am 62 years old and started hormones 6 months ago. My face has thinned out, part weight loss, part hormones, I quit smoking and was going to the Doctors all the time. The people I worked with and my best friend all thought I was dying of some dread disease. They thought I might have cancer and pushed me for answers. So, I came out to them before I wanted to. A few had trouble with it, but most of them said it was no big deal.

I have been extremely surprised at how well I've been received by others. I've traveled by car and checked into numerous motels as my true self with very few problems. The one who was disrespectful got the room key returned before I checked in and I went to a different motel. I've been all over as *me* and found very few that showed any surprise or issues with me. Most people in most places are very helpful and considerate.

I do go to great lengths to present myself as a proud professional woman, dressed nicely with attention to detail and have been treated with reciprocal respect.

I've never felt better physically or mentally. Those around me have commented on how relaxed and positive I am, several have told me I'm so much more focused now (well, duh). I'm developing nicely from a physical standpoint, too. Much of the body hair is gone and I just got my first mammogram last week (Doctor's request so we have a starting reference picture).

I'm not full time yet, because of the large number of customers that I must interact with, but I'm out and about on weekends. I knew that once I told one person, I might as well notify the newspaper, so I'm basically out to the world.

My wife of 30 years is dealing with it the best she can. We have some very good days and a very few bad days, but mostly she's supportive.

I would do it again, only I'd probably do it sooner. Today's culture is so much more tolerant than in years past.

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest Sabine1]

Thanks everyone! It's nice to hear some personal insights and I look forward to more. I think I'm mainly worried about family -- friends not so much as I don't have many close ones, and most that I do are women whom I suspect will have an easier time with this. I do worry, as I said, about whether this will be the end of any romantic relationships, either because I won't pass well enough, or because I worry about competing with natal women (why date someone like me when there are natal women out there?). That's why I mentioned the concern about dying alone, so to speak, as I am not sure family will be there (I have no children) and I am concerned about whether men will think of me in terms of marriage and life partner.

Because I've dealt with this issue for over 40 years, I do feel I will adjust quickly, and "pass" enough as far as not calling attention to myself. I think have a full experience of the life details, both practical (from clothes to makeup to hair to deportment -- my female friends ask me for advice, which is reassuring, but really weird esp as they have no clue about all this), and for some time I have converted virtually all of my daily wardrobe to female/unisex. I only give in to something male when I absolutely have to (when I have to be in and office work situation, or a function). I have managed to be out and about all day as "me", in some way ( a security blanket?), though not obviously identified as female. I just want to make that complete I suppose, so I am at ease. I think I know "me" at this point, and know what that means in terms of gender and how I interact with the world. I suspect that my mannerisms and approach to people are already grounded as female. I never was particularly or stereotypically masculine, other than in an appearance I never cultivated (I was careful not to do anything to "worsen" my appearance). I have spent some time looking at what FFS and HRT might do for me -- great hair and legs I got, the rest, not so much -- and what the "final" me might plausibly be. Still, even with that foundation and experience, I am concerned that I can't bridge the chasm between where I am and where I feel I should be.

I have posted elsewhere (under the therapists form) about starting my search for a good therapist in the DC area, and my concerns about quality of care. I think that is the central concern for me now, and I think you all have given good advice about the importance of a therapist. I know that here will be a personal and professional cost (I'm not as concerned about the money), and at 50 I don't have as much time to start over professionally as I may need to. I agree that today's culture allows more than when I first started thinking about this path (at 12 or 15?, after several years of confusion). Again, that is what I also want to talk about with my therapist. Thanks everyone! Sabine

[Guest ricka]

Welcome Sabine!!! Yes, there are quite a few of us over 50 and we share many common experiences. One thing you will hear over and over is how we have been able to tap into the joy of our womanhood. Like others I find I am so much happier and at peace with myself and truly love the woman that I am.

My own journey has a bit backwards compared to some. I have always been effeminate with a natural curvy female body shape---fully developed breasts, big hips and butt. Transitioning has been more of a psychological journey to line my mind up with my body and soul. My personality changed as I transitioned too. I became more nurturing and caring about people and more outgoing and sociable. And I feel sooo much less stressed.

And despite being over 50 for the first time in my life I am finding that men find me attractive and that is one of the things I enjoy the most about being a woman!!

hugs, Ricka

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sabine......

You'll look just fine ....

Don't make me show you a "Before" picture of me!

Donna Jean

[Paula ult]

Welcome Sabine,

I am 58, 5'8" and weigh 225 pounds and about a 46" chest, i started my transition at 56, i am over 2 years on hormones and over 1 year full time, i pass well and have my letters for surgery and have my srs scheduled for next year, in my gallery i have before and after pictures i think you will find interesting, and i have not had FFS or any other surgeries, it shows just how powerful hormones are and what they can do given time.

I have lost some extended family and friends along the way, but gained so many new friends that it more than made up for the ones i lost, everyone sees a happy outgoing and friendly person for the first time, passing was important but it was not the main factor, i wanted to be happy, something i was not for 56 years.

Paula