Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Transgender And Relationships


Guest Jean Davis

Recommended Posts

Guest Jean Davis

Muddy footprints across my mind again. :lol:

Well I was kinda observing couples for awhile now and seen that most have one person that assumes the femmine role and the other assumes the masculine role. I found that this is common in most relationships Hetro and Homosexual.

What I was wondering is if transitioning is the main cause for relationship problems or if it's the fact that when we transition we assume the opposite role in the relationship. Perhaps it's that the S/O does not feel needed being that there are two people assuming the same role in the relationship.

Another question is would you be able or willing to keep the responsibilities of your role after the transition as you did before if it would save your relationship.

LUV

Jean

Link to comment
Guest Zolrek

Mine is pretty even but sometimes my boyfriend really is the female. However, I couldn't pick out who would be permanently the "male" or "female" role. I never played submissive to him, ever, so there's never been a change between us and I don't think he cares.

Link to comment
Guest Micha

My wife wears the pants, but I get to do some of the difficult stuff (talking to people we owe, and usually the social things that I hate doing, cuz my social akwardness). She's used to me being timid and whatnot, and she's used to being assertive. We kinda fit together really well that way.

Link to comment
Guest kelise

My girlfriend and I don't believe in the whole butch/femme relationship. We're both equally butch and both equally fem. She makes more money, because I go to school/work 1 FT job while she works 2 FT jobs, and we both share the cooking, cleaning, housework responsibilities (or at least try to).

I can't really answer the bit about how it changed our relati0onship because we met well after i transitioned.

Link to comment

I have not been in any sort of relationship since admitting to myself that I was transsexual so I am not sure what any future relationships might hold.

I have some very good friendships that have gotten so much deeper than I had ever let one get before.

Those friendships are the greatest things that have ever happened to me and I will cherish them forever.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest Hoslers_wife

Before Nick transitioned we fell into semi-traditional roles hubby/wife butch/femme however you want to phrase it. That hasn't really changed. But then again I'm prolly the last one to talk about relationships right now since he left and were "on a break" I think different couples fall into different rols. Gay, staright,trans, old, young....I don't think trans is any exception. But I do think that a lot of trans in begining stages try to take more of a certain role. Tmen toughen up I guess where twomen soften? I dunno....It's nice when everything evens out and everyone is just themselves. :-)

Link to comment
Guest NatashaJade

I have always been "the girl" in my marriage. My wife actually laughed when she realized just how much she had been right all these years calling me "such a girl" or "the wife".

luv

Gin

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

Roles?

Well, after having been married 30 years...some things just naturally happen...

I still fix the car, mow, till, repair things...

Why?

Because I know how...Transitioning don't make you instantly forget everything that you knew...

She still cooks, does laundry and so forth....because she knows how....

Although she's not that happy with having another woman in the house and she's not Lesbian like me....

Greatly complicates things,....

Donna Jean

Link to comment
  • Admin

Jean, I had always taken the male role in our relationship, and for the most part will probably continue in that role after transition, doing all the usual "manly" stuff around the house, for the reasons that Donna Jean mentioned.

But there are things I've long assigned to myself that most peeps would consider women's duties, such as grocery shopping and sharing in kitchen duties. I happen to love cooking, but that isn't necessarily a female thing.

Would I ever want to take on more traditionally female duties? Maybe so, although sewing and knitting have never been on my to-do list.

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Well- my soon to be exwife figured it out. We split the chores because we were both full time workers - even if I had to add two hours a day commute while she was 10 minutes away from her work - plus as a school teacher, she had the summers off, and 10 days at spring break, and 10 days off at Christmas. Grin.

She likes to take naps!

Her idea of splitting the work is I kept den and library straightened up, the kitchen clean and washed the dishes and dirty pots. It evolved into me cooking 80% of the time and when she cooked, I still did the clean-up. I also folded and put away all the clothes, towels and such - I also gathered them up for the laundry room, but we split the washing duties - she did the weekly, I did the weekends.

She would make the beds which was very good as it hurts my back to bend over - but that was only the master bed. When I got kicked out of there - I had to make my own bed.

She was overtaxed, so she hired a full time housekeeper for Friday work. But I had to get the house cleaned up the night before - and take out all the trash and clean the floors so the housekeeper could mop. So we 'split" the household cleaning? Sorta.

The outside? That was the job for the husband! We had an acre to keep cleaned and mowed. Too expensive to hire help for that!

The shopping? Man's work to bring in everything! She never lifted a finger with groceries. Her organizational skills were poor so I had to put up the groceries while she checked to see whom had called while we were out! Fair, right?

So female - male roles? Well - I did like to keep the house clean and nice. Still do - Felix and Oscar - I was Felix in all ways. Except I wore a skirt, painted my nails, and wore my earrings.

I have always done all the sewing and i am very good at it. And I love freshly ironed shites. My wife always had me ironing her clothes! And I would pick out her clothes and accessories to wear. She lacked solor coordination skills.

Thirty years before- I raised my newborn daughter by myself until she was age 5. I made a good mommy.

It did get complicated when I transitioned. I would complain about breaking a nail while doing housework! She would laugh! It was awkward mowing the grass in shorts and a teeshirt, red toenails in my flip floops - running when the mailman came! I hated to scratch my legs while mowing around the brush, and the girls showed in the teeshirt when I prespired - ha! And it was not easy to do any heavy lifting once the HRT Kicked in! I NEVER got a break on having to continue to do the 'husband' things and I would complain about it! I couldn't open the screwtop on a liter of coke but she could! DANG - stuff like that.

So in the future? I will do whatever... I just don't want to break a nail, or scratch my pretty legs! Maybe I will have a rich husband - we can hire a housekeeper! Maybe two, maybe full time?

Lizzy

Link to comment
Guest childofwinter

I personally don't believe in gender roles. You don't have to be a woman to clean and do laundry, and you don't have to be a man to know how to fix a car or mow a lawn, and a couple should share out the tasks equally so that neither has a larger burden than the other. That's just my opinion, though.

Link to comment
Guest Amanda joan

WOW That's agreat question.

I did not get to work through those details as I am out of the house now. My ex-wife did not like to share the feminine roles. She did want a clean house and I liked to clean. She said that I could not share the Mom title as it was something she had earned and I did not. She was controlling and often very angry when she did not get her way. I did not like to fight and would avoid arguments any way I could. We shared the inside chores but, I had almost all of the outside chores.

I miss being out in the yard and keepping the garden looking good. I don't miss cleaning up after the dog or mowing the lawn.

My boyfriend and I have clearly defined roles with each other and I have no problem taking on the feminine role. I like taking care of him and pleasing him. He likes to treat me like a lady and be the man.

Sadly I have not seen him in a few weeks.

Peace & Love Amanda

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
Guest Jean Davis

Wonderful replys everyone, I really enjoyed reading them. I have also learned that many just keep their previous roles after transition and others tend to have always took the duties of both genders from the start. I myself have always took on the responsiblies of both sides for the normal day to day activities.

So this now leads me to another question, if nothing changes with the normal everyday roles, does the same happen to the romatic roles we play with our partner.

For the women in our furum do you still buy the flowers for your S/O and open doors for them? How about asking them to Dinner and paying the bill? Are you still the agressor when it comes to the intimate times with your partner?

And for the Men, do you still expect these things from your partener?

Or perhaps do these things change after transition and this could be the reason many relationships don't work?

Something to think about. :lol:

LUV

Jean

Link to comment
Guest Carden

I was dating my boyfriend before I started my transition and at that point, we were pretty even. He assumed the more masculine/dominant role but that is also because we have a large-ish age gap.

Once I started transition things became even more even. XD Both of us being fairly Androgonous and comfortable with each other and our selves helps a lot. We don't do things based off of whether usually the 'boy' or the 'girl' would do them. It's more, 'I know you hate doing dishes, so I will just do them." or "Wanna go to the movies? I will pay cause I asked." XD We are too easy going to worry about things like gender roles and what not.

So yeah, very little change. If anything we are much closer now.

Link to comment
Guest Micha

Ah yeah, never really "seeing" how traditional relationships are, I can see now how unique mine is with mi amore. We do split things pretty even, and we do things cuz they need doin, not cuz it's one or the others job.

Course, we living in my dad's home now, complete with an unemployed father in law, and no one there cleans anything! Most distressing. . .so I are now an expert dishwasher. <_<

Romantically, she still likes me to buy her flowers. She gets things for me though, even if I tell her not to. Either one of us will suggest a place to go, or to go out to eat. Don't matter who pays cuz all the money comes from the same place! :lol: Intimately, we share responsibilities. ^_^

Link to comment
Guest N.Chaos

I've always been the male in my relationships, even the ones with other guys.

It's awkward now because that everything's out in the open with my girlfriend of 6 years, we've had some...difficult conversations. She's always identified herself as strictly lesbian, but she thinks of me as male, and has referred to me as her boyfriend online. Ever since I finally accepted myself, entirely, we've been talking occasionally about the "what ifs" of if I ever did actually transition, and I feel bad because she gets guilty over being honest. I don't know. It's all weird, it's all awkward.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 259 Guests (See full list)

    • Betty K
    • VickySGV
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      769.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,085
    • Most Online
      8,356

    blakethetiredracc00n
    Newest Member
    blakethetiredracc00n
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. FullyHart
      FullyHart
    2. MariPosa
      MariPosa
      (65 years old)
    3. pechenezhka
      pechenezhka
      (17 years old)
    4. Rubycd
      Rubycd
      (59 years old)
    5. Yana
      Yana
      (31 years old)
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      He has also vowed to NOT ACCEPT the election results even if they  clearly show he lost.
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://watermarkonline.com/2024/05/13/trump-vows-to-reverse-transgender-student-protections-on-day-one/     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-politics-and-policy/mississippi-reeves-transgender-bathroom-ban-public-schools-rcna152036     As in every such case, who will check birth certificates at the restroom doors?  This law will not, and can not, stand.  We'll see you in court, governor.   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      I've been looking forward to the legitimate medical groups coming out strongly against Cass' biased and one sided report, so I'm really glad to see the article you posted, @Davie.  Unfortunately, it won't get nearly the coverage that Cass has gotten.  She has done her dirty work.  Hopefully the pushback and investigative reports on her and her support network will result in her work being shown for what it is.  She is a fraud, and sooner or later all frauds are found out.   Carolyn Marie
    • KayC
      CONGRATULATIONS, Jessica!!  That's really BIG! I myself did not experience a huge emotional roller coaster.  It was more like a smooth slide into emotional comfort.  The biggest effect I felt is when my Dr put me on T-blockers first.  I felt a bit 'empty' for a couple of months, but then realized it was just because the 'T-monster' was no longer running around inside of me.  Then I felt it was my new 'normal'. I feel like the estradiol was the 'frosting' on my transition affirmation.  It's been only positives.  I do cry a lot more, but it's only because I finally feel free to allow my emotions to come out.  To me it's not 'hormonal' ... it's FREEDOM!   Everybody is different but it sounds like you are under great care.  I hope you have a beautiful first year in transition on HRT (keep us updated if you can).
    • Desert Fox
      Yeah, whatever happened to “good morning”?  I think “hey you” can also work to address people without offense…”you” can be single or plural so that works for any gender, non binary, or any group of people, and can be pleasantly offensive or neutral.   And I am very familiar with the experience of being “ma’amed” while in boy mode, particularly on the phone by customer support people located outside north America for some reason. 
    • KayC
      I'm hoping this election cycle might finally cause 'that' party to pay a price for such nonsense.
    • Desert Fox
      So nice to hear things are going well for you. Support is huge and that is especially great when it comes from your SO as well as your family and son. I think being happy with one’s own life’s direction can set the stage for not only other successes but attract others who are in alignment with one’s own ideals. it sounds like you are definitely on a positive trajectory!
    • Desert Fox
      There is some progress being made, some positive awakening from those who understand the difference between biology and the societal roles and rules that have been created by humans to separate, restrict and control other humans. Unfortunately so many people are still set in one way of thinking about gender, whether it benefits them directly to do so or they just fail to think about things for themselves for whatever reason, and they often cite religious or other historical sources to try to back up their argument, sources which typically could be open to various interpretations.   Pushing boundaries is what makes progress and it’s what we are meant to do…but most everyone that has pushed a boundary also gets pushback. Most everyone who has disagreed with conventional thought is called a fool or worse; those who invent something get ridiculed and laughed out, then their ideas are stolen for someone else’s profit. We suffer tremendously to push boundaries but ultimately it’s what society needs to evolve.
    • Ashley0616
      Goodness! You sure have been busy! That's really crappy of what your oldest pulled. That part about the talking about getting asked if it's an enhancement was funny. I guess your boss is going to miss you and just has a funny way of showing it? 
    • Desert Fox
      I read this thread with great interest…thank you, Sally for sharing your life in this detail. As I too identify as bigender, I suppose I am also looking for validation of my experience because I don’t know many transgender individuals that stay in a long-term part-time situation. For most, bigender seems to be a temporary step to fill-time transition or it is more of something someone puts on, as in cross dressing or drag. I have always struggled to explain how someone could legitimately have two identities sharing one body, yet that’s basically how it has been for me for my whole life, all the way back to early childhood.    You and I are roughly in the same era, and growing up with gender variance was different than it is nowadays. Some of our experiences were similar, but generally your life went quite differently than mine.   Back in the day, a part-time person was called a transvestite and a full-timer was called a transsexual (often committing to bottom surgery as well), but I’ve really come to dislike the cross dresser/transvestite label because it tends to be associated with those who are fine with being cis, but like to dress in drag for fun or fetish. And that doesn’t describe all part-timers. I would say that I’m actually a transsexual who chose never to transition, and presenting female part-time is how I have coped with lifelong gender dysphoria. I don’t like myself being male, and never did, I simply accept that I am and have lived most of my life that way and just don’t care to put in the effort and money to transition.  I’m naturally a pretty girly male but I have to add hair, makeup and clothing to present female and I also try to “tone down” my girliness in male form. True androgyny never worked for me; I always switched between male and female looks, but at least that allowed me to use public bathrooms without issue.     I’m very curious - did you have a set of people, ie friends, family, coworkers, who only knew you as “male” and another set who knew you as Sally, with only a few (like your wife) knowing both sides? Such was more or less the case with me. 
    • mattie22
      I feel like a fake sometimes I am not really transfeminine WELL UNDER THEAT UMBRALA but whatever i call it. Like i do not deserve it others know ealer than me and did not identify as their gender at birth well It is more like just enough of me did to get by growing up and there were not many other options on what else i could be and when i got older i just found out about the standard trans people feel like they're born in the wrong body and i saw my self as a male so this could not be me even though it did not comply fit me. even though there is a part of me that likes to be seen and treated like a woman and ideally would probably like to live at least 70 percent of my time as one and perhaps the rest as male but what does this make a freak. also, I am around people who do not like people like me and they are family and do not know. this makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I wonder if I m just some gnc male, who is just using this as an escape if I become a woman for real I do not have to deal with all the crap that comes with being a feminine bisexual male. There are so many layers.
    • MaeBe
      I bet you looked every pennies worth of that million! I'm sure, even beyond the courtier's interactions it was a very fun evening.
    • MaeBe
      I haven't been posting much, it's been a bit of a whirlwind: My wife took a job in WA State, meaning we're moving halfway across the country by the end of the Summer. I was told "it would be good if you had a new job by the end of the month", meaning I'm getting laid off at the same time. My eldest snuck booze while we were at our friends' house, had a bad interaction with his anti-depressants, and then had the huevos to lie that he wasn't drunk while accusing us of not trusting him. There's been a lot to process lately.   That said, I got called ma'am for the first time today while out. Twice! I can't stop thinking about it. Later, my dad showed up without plan to watch the Liverpool match and I was way more girled up (see ma'am) than he's ever seen me; hair, makeup, tight top, skinny jeans, and brand new sandals. At one point he pointed at my boob and asked, "is that 'enhancement'?". If you call a t-shirt bra enhancement, I guess? "Nope, that's just me!". Later, my boss came at me all passive-aggressive via chat after hours, too. I'm kind of tired with his -crap-. I won't have a job in two weeks, so it's cool to just assume I'm sabotaging things? K. /eyeroll   It's been an interesting day.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 12   “First Kiss”   It was October 29th, 2003.  My dear friend Willa had purchased tickets for the two of us to attend “Red Hot Halloween,” a public Halloween party held at the Sanctuary in downtown Pittsburgh.  The event was a fund raiser benefitting the Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force.  It was a great cause but it was also the perfect opportunity to let the adventurous side of my feminine persona have a little fun.    My first question to Willa was: “What should I wear?”    “Are you kidding?” She responded.  “This is your opportunity to be the Sally of your dreams.  I suggest you dress to impress.”   My first thought was to dress naughty.  It was Halloween, so it could be the perfect venue for something with an erotic edge to it.  I thought about going as a dominatrix or a naughty French maid.  After we talked about it, and weighed the pros and cons, Willa and I decided against naughty, and instead, chose to wear the fanciest evening gowns we could find.  Willa bought an expensive, silver sequined gown, and matching high-heels just for the event.  Me, on the other hand, I couldn’t justify spending big bucks on an evening gown for a single event, so I took a less expensive route.  It is amazing what you can find on the sale racks at big department stores when you look hard enough.  For a mere 30-dollars, I found a black, sleeveless column gown with matching bolero jacket.  The dress had a slit up the right leg, and it went all the way to my upper thigh, very sexy.  Being a column dress, it was form-fitting, and hugged my curves like a glove.  To complement my dress, I wore black patent high-heel pumps, a long blonde wig, and a set of long red fingernails.  As I recall, it took me three-hours just to do my makeup.  The end result, though, was worth the effort, because I felt like a million bucks.  It’s so obvious, why girls love dressing up – it’s an unbelievable high!   Inside the club it was a sea of bodies and the costumes were amazing.  At one point, I was standing on a balcony that overlooked the dance floor.  I was nursing a cocktail and watching the crowd.  Suddenly, there was a gentleman standing next to me; I didn’t notice his approach.  He told me I looked fabulous and he offered to buy me another drink.  I declined his drink offer, but we struck up a conversation.  Being a little slow, it took me a while to realize he was hitting on me. I never imagined anyone would ever actually be attracted to Sally, which I think contributed to my cluelessness.  So, I was shocked, and initially, a little creeped out as well.  After all, I wasn't into guys, and this was new to me.  As we continued talking, and he kept throwing accolades my way, I went from being uncomfortable to actually being flattered.    The event, being an AIDS fund raiser, had me assuming this guy was hitting on me because he was gay, and he thought I was, as well.  I wanted to set the record straight, so I casually mentioned that I wasn’t gay.  To my amazement, he responded by saying: “neither am I.”  Okay, now what was I supposed to do?  I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want to send the wrong message either.  While I was trying to decide how to tell him I wasn’t interested, he asked if he could kiss me.  Not sure what I was thinking at that moment, I said “okay.”  He kissed me, and as strange as it was, I gave into it, not pulling away or disengaging.  It wasn’t a super passionate kiss, but it was more than a friendly peck on the lips, and I actually enjoyed it.  When we separated; however, I got the sense his passion had cooled.  I could only assume that my response to his kiss sent some kind of message that I wasn’t interested.    Whatever it was he picked up on, it let me off the hook, and I didn’t have to rebuff any further advances.  For this I was grateful, but at the same time, I was actually a little disappointed.  Clearly, I wasn’t going to lead him on, but it was so gratifying to know I had sparked his interest.  Despite his diminished passion, and his obvious realization I wasn’t going to be his girl, he remained the perfect gentleman.  We chatted for a few minutes more, then he gave me the nicest smile.  Again, he commented on how terrific I looked.  Then he added, “maybe I’ll see you later.”    It was hard for me to reconcile how I could have garnered the attention of a man.  In my mind’s eye, I knew my feminine presentation didn’t completely mask my birth sex, so why would a self-proclaimed straight guy actually be interested in me?  Had it been the only time something like this would happen, I would have chalked it up to random chance.  But it wouldn’t be the last time a man would hit on me.  It doesn’t happen often, but it still occurs more than I would have guessed, and I'm always surprised.    I have never asked, but I have always been curious to know my would-be suitor’s motivations.  Were they hitting on me simply because they happened to be fond of trans women, or was their attraction triggered by connecting with my inner woman?  And, however unlikely, did they mistake me for a cis woman?  I guess it really doesn’t matter much one way or the other, because ultimately, I’m not looking for any kind of a relationship.  However, I’d be fibbing if I said I wasn’t at least a little interested in another opportunity to get kissed.   Hugs,   Sally
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...