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Lauras Is Spilling Over In My Life


JJ

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All my life I've been a "party watcher" rather than a participant. Introspective and shy. At any social group or encounter I was always behind a wall I couldn't break through and when I tried it was even worse.

I've always been afraid of people socially-I mean after all I knew there was something wrong with me-even if I didn't know what. And I didn't fit in anywhere.

Except when I drank-then I was always surprised at how nice everyone became and how much I liked them! (Strictly platonically as more than 1 disappointed date discovered).

I always thought to myself that if it's true alcohol brings out the real you I must actually be warmer and nicer inside than I thought.( I drank so I could party in college but not much or often afterwards. Between hangovers and being a control freak I just didn't)

And here at Laura as I have felt secure and yes-loved-I have felt the same feeling only with more judgment and reason that I had when I drank.And no hangovers either. Accepting myself and realizing that there is nothing wrong with me in the sense I always felt there was, has been a big part of it but the interactions here have made all the difference. This IS the real me. I learned to let it out here. I learned confidence here.

So I was curious about how I would feel when we went to the first social gathering since I found Lauras. I haven't been able to get to church or the suppers and we went to a church supper last night to reconnect. It was like a fantasy. Like a daydream. I found myself looking each person's eyes and smiling and being able to listen without that barrier to filter everything through. And I wanted to listen to what they said. I wanted to relate to them. I can't really capture the experience in words but it was so different! And I felt good! I could tell people felt more comfortable with me. I felt a part of them as I had never felt before. Ever. Anywhere

I never expected it to be so different, I never could have dreamed it would change so much so fast!!

Thank you everyone!. Your love and acceptance and support gave me something I have been trying to find since I went to preschool at 5 years old 58 years ago!

For once in my life it all came true.

I LOVE YOU ALL

JJ

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No thanks are necessary JJ.

We didn't make those changes they were in you all of the time, we were supportive and friendly and it let you lower your barriers.

We are all capable of so much more than we do - it is amazing to think of what could be done if we used more than 10% of our brains.

I am so happy that you are coming out of your protective shell, I remember the joy when I first ventured out of my own.

Keep moving forward, JJ - that is the only direction that matters.

Love ya,

Sally

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Hi JJ !

I feel fortunate that you found Laura's, and that I found Laura's. Life hasn't gotten simpler here, but it has sure gotten better! I love the warmth and support here!

Hugs,

Opal

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Guest Donna Jean

JJ, Hon.....

Lovely post....and I totally understand...

I'm within a couple of days being here 2 years...

I've rarely missed a day being here...

I belong here....as do you and so many others...

See....the way it all works is, say, today you're down and I help you up...

Tomorrow I'm down and you come to my aid...

Lovely concept...eh?

LOVE

Donna Jean

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Yes JJ, Laura's has had a profound impact on my life. My priorities have definitely changed. Laura's is the place where I my gender dysphoria became powerful, where I found out I am trans, and is helping me start the transition process.

Now Laura's is a lifeline and my virtual home. I am gaining real life friends here (and losing old world acquaintances). I would feel lost if there wasn't Laura's Playground.

Love Jenny

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Guest Zolrek

That's cool you've been able to find the support here that you've needed so far. I've seen your posts around and they seemed very helpful - I think your presence adds to Laura's community and I'm happy that you're here.

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Guest Elizabeth K

JJ

A very moving post - thank you for sharing... but it was already all within you, maybe we saw it and you didn't. I am so happy you are in a good place now!

ummmmm...

I just have one little, teensy question?

You didn't eat the tuna cassarole did you!?! I think it was from a George Bush recipe.

hee hee

Lizzy

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  • Forum Moderator

JJ

A very moving post - thank you for sharing... but it was already all within you, maybe we saw it and you didn't. I am so happy you are in a good place now!

ummmmm...

I just have one little, teensy question?

You didn't eat the tuna cassarole did you!?! I think it was from a George Bush recipe.

hee hee

Lizzy

LDIA ! (See last JJ abbreviations post):D

BTW I just got off the phone. A woman from the church called to visit. She wasn't there last night but some other members told her I was there and how much they enjoyed seeing me so she called to chat!!

Never happened to me before.

I know I must have always had this inside but you all taught me how to let it out, how to share and be the real me. Something that for me transcends gender.

And I can never really express what that means.

It doesn't seem possible so much as changed so rapidly!! Of course I still have issues and problems but as serious as some of them are, the things that have changed for me dwarf them.

I'm scared I'll wake up and it'll all be a dream.

Now I need to go do something manly-I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all this emotion.;)

Hugs

JJ

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Guest Elizabeth K

LDIA ! (See last JJ abbreviations post):D

BTW I just got off the phone. A woman from the church called to visit. She wasn't there last night but some other members told her I was there and how much they enjoyed seeing me so she called to chat!!

Never happened to me before.

I know I must have always had this inside but you all taught me how to let it out, how to share and be the real me. Something that for me transcends gender.

And I can never really express what that means.

It doesn't seem possible so much as changed so rapidly!! Of course I still have issues and problems but as serious as some of them are, the things that have changed for me dwarf them.

I'm scared I'll wake up and it'll all be a dream.

Now I need to go do something manly-I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all this emotion.;)

Hugs

JJ

Suggestions? Overcome that sissy stuff!

Spit on the floor (behind the door where it don't show so much) - intentionally leave the toilet seat up - take control of the TV remote - eat a whole family size bag of cheetos and chase it down with a Miller Lite (no - you stopped drinking) chase it down with somethig fizzy carbonated (like root beer) and practice that resonate belch - a 30 second one is male-average, can you do it? Can you make it sound like the opening lyrics of The Sound of Music? And walk in the mud and don't clean your shoes when you come in - buy $2000 worth of Craftsman tools and forget to pay the telephone, gas, and electric bill. Buy a new hollow shaft, special gold thread spun fiberglass and tungston fishing rod and never use it! And best of all? Take your boots off and show you OBVIOUSLY haven't changed those white socks for eight days!

Hope this helps. {emmmm.... taken from memory I am afraid to say)

Lizzy

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Suggestions? Overcome that sissy stuff!

Spit on the floor (behind the door where it don't show so much) - intentionally leave the toilet seat up - take control of the TV remote - eat a whole family size bag of cheetos and chase it down with a Miller Lite (no - you stopped drinking) chase it down with somethig fizzy carbonated (like root beer) and practice that resonate belch - a 30 second one is male-average, can you do it? Can you make it sound like the opening lyrics of The Sound of Music? And walk in the mud and don't clean your shoes when you come in - buy $2000 worth of Craftsman tools and forget to pay the telephone, gas, and electric bill. Buy a new hollow shaft, special gold thread spun fiberglass and tungston fishing rod and never use it! And best of all? Take your boots off and show you OBVIOUSLY haven't changed those white socks for eight days!

Hope this helps. {emmmm.... taken from memory I am afraid to say)

Lizzy

Oh! well

The socks thing-does it still count if it's black socks. My fem. side will sneak in and was them.

As to the toilet seat- I promised her an my daughter no midnight splases. Kind of patetic to ear a lirrle girl sriek in te nigt because se isn't used to watching and just plopped in a toilet. Have to pass on that.

But I have master a few things-I can't comfortably watch tv in the room with anyone else unless I have a remote in hand. Unfortunately my daughter is strong willed and we have ended up with dueling remotes. Makes you dizzy.

Been there and done that with the tools. As for fishing I lived for a year selling the surplus. Surplus=anything I haven't used for 5 years that was for fis in a part of the country we moved from and not here that didn't work anyway.I've never driven past a Bass Pro or Cabella's w/out stopping. Ever. I'd rather go to a sports store than a mall.

I'm pretty proficient with cheetoes and carbonated beverage. But te belcing thing is a real possibility. Never learned to do it on purpose. But "Sound of Music"-nah-I'd prefer "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys"

As for spitting behind the door-maybe outside but I still have that feminine bit. Can't go there. Not yet anyway.

Doesn't mud just wear off boots eventually?

Thanks for the advise Lizzy.

I like you just the way you are now!

JJ

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Guest Amanda joan

JJ,

Great post.

I agree allot changes for you when you lower your gaurd and let people in. The world becomes your friend and new experiences will come to you. People will see the possitive change in you and want to know what is going on.

I have had several influences in my life that have lead me to places I thought I would never find. It started on the internnet and quickly lead me here. I loved all the information that is here. I read it all and enjoyed the welcome and concern of the others here. I also found a GT and she has helped me move mountains. I also found two support groups and they have been wonderful for me. I have kept busy and met so many wonderful people. I have created a new life for myself. I am finally free to me and people love and accept me for who I am and that is so incredebly wonderful it is almost impossible to put the feelings into words. I to go to Church and have many friends there. Through church I have been invited to go get a pedicure, to go out to dinner and I have been invited to several peoples homes for dinner. I have also received hand me downs from several ladies as well as advice about clothing and make up. Many ahve also shared in my pain and expressed their concern and given me advice for handling the ups and downs.

JJ keep moving forward and don't worry about being volnerable. We have the abilty to change the world one person at a time. Start with yourself and then help others.

Peace & Love Amanda

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