Post-op Blues

[Guest Huff]

Hello all,

I need a little space to rant and rave and here seems appropriate.

I had my chest surgery a week and a half ago. Our original approach was to try liposuction first to see if we could reduce me down from a 34B to a point where we could do the peri-areolar surgery. No visible scars and keep sensation? sounded like a good plan to me. The procedure hardly made any impact. Apparently I have very little fat tissue and mostly dense fibrous breast tissue. So, we had decided on the double incision with nipple graft procedure for the actual chest reconstruction and I made sure to go over lots of pictures from transster.com with him to be sure he knew exactly what I was looking for. A day before surgery, he had done some more research and decided that he probably could do the peri-areolar after all, especially since there had been some tissue shrinkage due to starting T. I said OK, but the most important thing is to NOT HAVE BREASTS. Well, the final result is that I have a flat chest, but there are tissue ridges around the sides and top and the bottom is a female contour (the chest line is where my breast line was as opposed to being where my pectoral muscle is). The folks I'm living with look at my new chest and say it's 'male', but I look at it and see flat breasts. And, I don't know if the ridges around the edge will disappear with T and bench pressing or if the new muscle mass will just push them out further.

And, I thought that my total cost was going to be $7100. It was $12,000 and I found out about that 2 days post-op. F****ing hell. I was so proud of going under my max budget of $10,000 and now I've got debt to pay off on a student budget. Now I need to find a part-time job in a city where employment is always scarce.

To top things off, when I came in to get the drains pulled out a week post-op, I was not feeling well and apparently visibly depressed (I was too upset to tell them about how my expectations had not been met), so the surgeon was worried that I had regretted my decision to have the breasts taken off and wanted to be sure I had been talking with my therapist. Stupid idiot, you left too much there, not the other way around! So, I've spent the last week or so internalizing my anger and trying to force myself to just be grateful that I can finally wear t-shirts again (which really is a big deal). And, internalizing leads to sleeplessness and unhealthy food choices (which take me a step back towards bulimia *shudder*) and I found myself absolutely craving a drink again (no, I haven't drank yet). Just what I need to recover and move forward with my transition... lapsing back into alcoholic insanity. It's just insane! if the gender issue drove the bulimia and alcoholism, how is it that having surgery to fix the gender issue would point me directly towards food and alcohol hell?! The whole thing makes me want to punch out a window or break furniture... and I can't even do that, since my chest still hurts!

So my therapist told me to write him a letter to stand up for myself. Confrontation scares the living hell out of me. But, I wrote it, and I didn't make any apologies nor did I attack him. I'll send it after my therapist and my sponsor read it.

Michael Keenan

[MaryEllen]

I'm sorry to hear that your top surgery didn't go as expected. Will you be having more surgery in the future to correct what wasn't done this time? It's a shame that they quoted you one price and then charged you considerably more. That's a real straw inhaler. Stay strong, guy. You can get through this.

MaryEllen

[Guest raydub]

MK,

Im sorry to hear that things are so crazy right now.

I am PROUD of you however for handling your business and not taking a drink or eating like a madman. That's a big thing, ya know? You ask why getting surgery would make you have those feelings again? Simple. As an alcoholic (presuming you are admittedly one) the idea of drinking oneself into oblivion doesnt just GO AWAY. It comes and goes even after years and years of recovery man. Its ok to have thought about it.. its actually expected. I know for me whenever siht gets rough and really uncomfortable of COURSE i think of drinking (and tables covered in powdery substances..but i digress..) ...that was my coping mechanism for a good 10 years or so.. you know? Dont beat yourself up over your addictions trying to get the best of you.. its what they do!! Just know that you and your Higher Power are stronger than the diseases and that you dont HAVE to drink or eat/purge EVER again - NO MATTER WHAT.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. Youre really rad for writing that letter too.. Im sure this will all work itself out. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

love you dude!

stay strong k?

-Ray

[Guest Huff]

thanks for the words of encouragement... after doing some writing and talking to my therapist, etc, etc, I'm feeling better.

MK

[Guest Huff]

Update since my rant:

The surgeon's office got my letter and called me today and actually thanked me. They said I could come in today if I wanted to try and resolve the financial issue. I told them I could wait the two weeks until my next follow-up appointment. So, it looks like things are going to be OK. imagine that.

MK

[Guest raydub]

So, it looks like things are going to be OK. imagine that. MK

wonderful.

-Ray