Disowned?

[Guest MarkG]

So it took a little while (about a month) but it's become increasingly apparent that my "dad" will never come around on this (or on the fact I'm bi, or anything else) and is increasingly getting worse. He hasn't technically disowned me yet, at least not in so many words. Probably because it would look bad, and he's rather proud of his behavior at the moment. But he ignores me, mocks and degrades and makes fun of the changes I'm making and me personally, and makes it very clear that he would go back to loving me if i would just go back to acting like his daughter again. He even goes so far as to rarely speak to me directly and often single out other people around me to talk to instead. It's rude, disrespectful, hurtful, but not unexpected. Just disappointing. I thought he'd come around but after pure silence and avoiding me, he's only changed to acting like this. I hope it doesn't get worse, but for all practical and emotional purposes, it's like I've been disowned. I really didn't think he'd go this far. Anyways, I don't mean to complain, I was mainly wondering if anyone had any advice? Has anyone else been through this, and does it get better? Is this what disowning is, or am I overreacting? I'd love to hear some support on this, cuz it kinda hurts, especially since as an FTM a dad kinda means alot, you know? But I guess we don't all get that luxury. Any thoughts?

Just in the interest of more information, my mom is becoming my biggest support and so are most of my siblings. I live at home still, because before I was so depressed I didn't care, and now I'd like to minimize making records I'm only going to resent later (wrong name, wrong gender) as much as I can until I'm a little further transitioned. I was raised strongly conservative and christian. My mom has become a rather liberal christian, and with my coming out she has managed to see god in it. My "dad"....I have no idea what he believes but I'm sure he thinks I am "morally wrong" and that he's some kind of religious martyr to still be in my presence or consent to talk to me as little as he barely does. I'm still looking for a psychiatrist who's local, so I apologize if I sound like I'm emotionally spilling over. I know I am, but I try not to dump too much. I'm hanging in there. Any advice or thoughts?

[Guest Mr. Fox]

No real advice, as I have not had that problem with my dad. I have heard of people whose parents eventually came around after years, so never give up all hope.

[Guest Ryles_D]

I got lucky. Dad's pretty good at observing, and before coming out I'd spent a few months trying to pass (including getting a binder) and a lifetime not really fitting in, so he had a bit of a warning and was pretty good about it.

Mom isn't as accepting (no, really, she thinks I'm confused), and since she has custody she's the one that could cause real problems. :/ [is it bad to have a little of you want to be disowned so the supportive parent will have more freedom to help?]

Good luck with it, though. If you don't yet, get a job. If he does disown you, that way you'll have some money saved up, an income, and you won't be completely screwed even if he kicks you out and cuts you off. And if he doesn't, you'll have that much more money to put towards transitioning once you're out of the house since it doesn't sound like he'll be happy to put his money into it.

[Guest sara w.]

i havn't been through this, i havn't even come out yet, hopefully he realizes he needs to learn that this is the way things are and he can't really do anything about it and as far as ridiculing you thats sad and immature, hope things get better

-sara w

[Guest Sarinah]

My parents are similar to yours and I just came out to them 2 weeks ago. My father is very conservative religious as well but I was able to persuade him a bit by agreeing to see a christian therapist that we both agree on. I havent made any attempts to start trying to transition publicly, which may be helping my relationship with my parents giving them more time to ease into it. I cant transition publicly because my boss would make my life miserable and eventually force me into quitting if he found out and I need to keep this job till august of next year.

As far as will your father ever come around, with time perhaps. I use to be a conservative christian and it took me nearly 15 years to stop condemning how I felt. Maybe you should do some religious research, consult with your mom, then sit down and force dad into a nice long talk about all the things you/he disagree on in regards to your gender identity, be sure to point out how his behavior is makeing you feel.

[Guest Evan_J]

Mark,

Hey Bro, you're not the only one to not have that luxury, in fact a good many FtMs don't have it. The thing is, a lot of em didn't have it before transitioning or anything else. Of those who had one to begin with, when this happens its usually attached to extremist religious views. The almost volitile part that you're getting off him is likely directly attached to him being male and having "set in stone" ideas about what men are and women are. These are the more traditionally-valued males of the world. And you basically are screwing around with their turf. Its very threatening then if you want to keep all of the people in what you think is their "place". These are the guys who whether they've ever said it in these words do believe in "male superiority". Its easy to camoflauge that and make it paletable inside "this is dictated by the bible" or "I value the "tradional family". And I say that copping to a lot.... Do "watch your back" though, ( I hate saying that) but you wouldn't be the first to have to streetfight his old man. How hostile he gets in to you will be directly proportionate to how close he feels you actually are getting to what he's cordoned off in his mind as "his level".And if it comes to it "all bets are off". You fight to protect yourself.

On the living arrangement, I understand how it can happen -the living home because GID depression (or any depression) knocked ya down for a minute and then once it was over you didn't want to keep makin those "wrong records". What about being roommates with someone who already has a apartment? Someone who might not necessitate formaly putting you on paperwork. Maybe someone who rents from a private landlord? Or even owns their own home and is looking to take a border? You could then have your own space, pay rent or whatever, and not create a new record. I even know two folks -one who did it since they needed a place to stay while in college, another who needed a place to stay because of moving into a new state- who took jobs advertised by senior citizens looking for someone to help them at home in exchange for room and board. You wouldn't have to come out to them or anything, most seniors I know think young folks look all kinds of crazy ways anyhow

And as for the "emotionally spilling over" part, that's what this forum is here for in a way isn't it? When any of us need to spill over? In good times and bad kind of thing.

[Guest amie]

I can't help yu on the Daddy part, I'm afraid. My father and I havn't spoken to one another since 2000. But Momma and I are only gettin closer as time goes on since I came out to her. We just recently had another heart to heart like daughter/mother conversation and it feels great to hear (and know it in her voice) her say either direclty or something to the effect that this is the way we should have spoken to each other all along. My father lives in the deep south and has for years now. It was just brought to my attention about a month ago that he has cancer in his kidneys and may not be around much longer. If I'm to weep when he passes, I'll likely from my heart do so over what was never there rather than the always intoxicated imposter that was. I tell you this because you mention you Daddy's still in your presence and may (or so I hope for you) come around when he sees your Momma and yourself becoming progressively closer. My father's very alpha-male like and when I read your thread I couldn't help but to think that would be my only chance he'd capitulate and accept me. Maybe here shortly as your father notices your Momma and sibs. becoming closer he'll realize how unreasonable he's been and make efforts to be more understanding. As it turns out, I'm hopin' I lied to yu in my first sentence. But this is something only time will tell, I guess. Hang in there, Dear. I hope this all developes in your favor.