Has Anyone Seen Me?

[Guest Chrysee]

Looking back over the past few months since coming out and at the posts that I've placed since joining this wonderful site, I suppose I've been every bit as confused as any new comer. However, though my understanding of me deepens, so does the confusion. I have been transgender my entire life, of this I'm certain. I have always loved being feminine, even in the days when I also strived to be macho. Go figure. When I firmly, once and for all decided that I was a man and that was that, I married (twice,) had children (four, though one's not with us anymore,) and fought to resist the urge to feminize. Interestingly, each of my two ex wives 'noticed' things about me, leading them to believe that I was gay. Now I have only ever been interested in women and imagine that those less informed believe that a feminine man can only be gay.

When I no longer could hold back the woman in me and finally decided that I dearly wanted to put her behind the wheel, I felt a sense of release and sheer joy unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I immediately began to transition with enthusiasm. I have always preferred women's clothing over men's. As a boy, I used to sit at the kitchen table thumbing through the Sears catalogue, and was always quite interested in women's lingerie. Now I have begun assembling a woman's wardrobe and love the look and the feel of it. I am having a bit of a time getting HRT to happen as my doctor has never done it and has fears. To boot, it seems to be something that my entire medical system is in the dark about. I intend to stay the course, believing it will happen. I have shaved off my beard and mustache, dyed my hair, and though pleased with the look it only makes me regret not having done it sooner. However, as I looked towards the end of the road, I found myself to be much less enthused about certain things. If I'd done this when, say, in my twenties, I would have sought larynx surgery to retune my vocal chords. I have always sung very well and have done so in everything from church choirs to garage rock bands. I would have longed to be a transgender rock singer. Now, the thought of such surgery frightens me and, since I imagine it would be categorized as 'elective', I would have to pay for it and never could afford such a thing. I hunkered down to begun voice training, using a female hand puppet to help, and found that quite honestly I do not want to change my voice. I have read recently about full timers who successfully pass as women in public and found I didn't want that. What fills me with the same joy I felt on coming out, is the image of me as a combination of Chrysalis & Steve. My partner was thrilled by this. many of the changes that have come about please her, but she would miss certain elements of the old me. She will not be making or shaping my decision, mind you, but I took her testimony to be agreeing with my deepest feelings. Chrysee would not pass as totally female even when wearing a skirt, eye make-up, etc.

And much of this fits so perfectly with my spiritual path (think Hermetic Magick.) I won't go into that here but save it for the spiritual threads.

Now a style (literature, music, clothes, interior decorating) that has fascinated me since the '80's, is 'steampunk.' It is also a perfect home for people who don't conform to the whole male/female thing.

So Chrysalis is a steampunk whose clothing leans towards the feminine, wears (and loves!) face make-up, but speaks(and sings) with a masculine tenor voice. I might one day be the retired Steam Flyer captain sporting a sword, and breasts and wearing full face make-up alongside a slight mustache and goatee.

Imagine the poetry and the illustrations that I shall create.

Of course the question remains: What am I?

Thanks for taking the time to read this

[JJ]

Chrysee

I love it!!

And the whole steampunk thing.I'd love that too-from the opposite direction. I can't afford it but maybe I can modify and sew-one of the feminine things I'm holding fast-hate te process-never use patterns-love to create). Didn't realize stempunk had been around that long-started to ask-where was I and remembered Nebraska, That explains it. Did I mention I love Hot Topic-I'm always the oldest one in the store when I'm there.

But I feel the same way in many ways. There are female things I want to keep. Will keep while kicking around a gender blending look. I'm so excited by the steampunk idea I think I'll go on a d-i-e-t tomorrow. Leaner would be better for what I want. I had to spell that one "d" word, if I speak it even in my mind I am immediately starving, Hungry enough to eat dirt. But I digress -sorry.

Glad to meet a fellow traveller on the I want it all scene-even if we're on different paths. Some days I keep trying to stick labels on me but then the next day they feel restrictive. I believe you-like me are a trans person who just loves to let it go where the wind blows..

JJ

[Guest Chrysee]

Chrysee

I love it!!

And the whole steampunk thing.I'd love that too-from the opposite direction. I can't afford it but maybe I can modify and sew-one of the feminine things I'm holding fast-hate te process-never use patterns-love to create). Didn't realize stempunk had been around that long-started to ask-where was I and remembered Nebraska, That explains it. Did I mention I love Hot Topic-I'm always the oldest one in the store when I'm there.

But I feel the same way in many ways. There are female things I want to keep. Will keep while kicking around a gender blending look. I'm so excited by the steampunk idea I think I'll go on a d-i-e-t tomorrow. Leaner would be better for what I want. I had to spell that one "d" word, if I speak it even in my mind I am immediately starving, Hungry enough to eat dirt. But I digress -sorry.

Glad to meet a fellow traveller on the I want it all scene-even if we're on different paths. Some days I keep trying to stick labels on me but then the next day they feel restrictive. I believe you-like me are a trans person who just loves to let it go where the wind blows..

JJ

Bless you! And thank you for speaking up. I can't really afford the steampunk thing and so am saving my money (and trying to sell my organ--and I'm referring here to keyboards!) Ands hot topics! The purple jeans I'm wearing right now came from there.

Would love to keep in touch and so am going to your profile page to put the 'friend' thing in motion.

See ya in the Aether.

Oh, and check out the music of Abney Park Consummate steampunk! We saw them in concert a few weeks ago. Picture a bazillion steampunkers, sokme with their steampunkette kids along.

[Guest Opal]

Hi Chrysee,

Please don't be too concerned with labels attempting to define who you are, who I am, or such. We are each unique individuals with unique backgrounds and feelings, yet with a sense to find a home here on Laura's.

Perhaps instead of terms like 'Gender Bending' and such, 'Gender Blending' might be a better description.

Welcome to Laura's! Hope you continue to post as you have time and feel comfortable in doing so. I understand that there are some very active local groups in the Portland area. Have you by chance met with any of them?

Hugs,

Opal