Custody Battle

[Guest SouthernBelle]

So it seems to me now as if it is unavoidable. My soon-to-be ex-wife is intent on having custody of our baby. It's sad, really, because... well, how do I explain this?

OK, so my wife is paralyzed from the waist down. Before we got together, she was 100% dependent upon her mother and all those around her. It was unnecessary. People were enabling her to be helpless. I changed that. I beat it into her head that she needed to get herself in and out of bed. I got her to start getting her own food. I tried and tried to get her to be independent in taking care of the baby (i did a hell of a lot of research into HOW she can take care of a baby and found someone that knows how to modify products to make them adaptive), but she didn't want to. Now, we're living in separate homes and she says she can't handle this divorce being stretched out any longer (OMG it has only been a few weeks). She thinks that the baby will be better off getting taken care of by her. Even though she has gone right back to her old ways and still does not know how to take care of him by herself.

This is ridiculous.

I bought her a car and she still refuses to get herself in and out of it. She's living with her mom and her mom is such an enabler. Ugh!!

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT There's still so much screaming I have to do!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HUGGS

Belle

[Guest chngnwnd]

Belle,

I am so sorry to hear about your problems with custody. I wish I knew what to say to help you.

I had a similar situation - but my boys are much older. My ex threatened to take the kids when she found out I was trans because in her little world that made me a bad parent even though I had them by myself for months before that. I was also doing the filings myself. Every week I got harassed for being trans - and threatened over custody.

Once I got a lawyer, she backed off - a lot. As it turns out, now she wants the kids less than half the time - actually less than a quarter of the time. She told my lawyer that she wants a weekend overy 2 to three weeks. Yea - stellar mom.

I guess the point is that she may not mean what she says. Also, she may think that you used her - like my ex does. I will keep you in my prayers.

hugs

Bobbie

[Carolyn Marie]

Belle, I don't any experience with your issues, but this sounds very complex. You really, really, need a good attorney, and I hope you have one. If she is intent on keeping the child, you can be sure she will use your transgender issues against you, and argue that it alone proves that you are not fit to have custody. Add that to the fact that courts usually favor the mother, and you have a real uphill battle.

I wish you all the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest KimberlyF]

This is a huge fear of mine.

I'm a really passive person and I don't always defend myself and a lot of times I do things to please others with zero refused for myself, which is why I'm 41 and still living like I am.

But I've been on other message boards and things and told friends of mine if they were picked on or harassed in front of me it would be almost like messing with my kids. When it happens I've released the mother bear in me to protect my own. I don't like to do it but if my wife were to pull any crap like that I'd give her time to cool off and if she didn't she'd see a side of me she's never seen before.

If it were me, give her a chance to cool off but talk to a lawyer.

Nobody takes my kids from me.

Kar

[Guest lvmyftm]

I am confused. Why would she being getting custody if she can't take care of the child by herself? It sounds like grandma is really the one taking care of the child. I do believe that you are a parent have more rights to the child than grandma does. Tell the judge what is really going on and who is really taking care of the child and the judge should be able to understand. Even if she does end up with primary custody she shouldn't be able to take the child away from you completly, most judges won't allow that

[Guest SaraNetherlands]

This sounds terrible for you. It's best to perhaps agree on a compromise or settlement outside of court, which avoids a custody battle in the first place (if she does win such a battle, who knows in what bad daylight she will portrait you to your child). If such fails, it sounds wise to pay for a very good attorney. She may well try to give arguments against you concerning your transsexuality. Also she may consider options such as raising the child with the aid of her mother, which would eliminate the factor where she cannot take care of the child alone. Settling this outside of court, such as shared parrenting, is not an option?

[Guest sarah f]

I am sorry you are going through this. As a parent and possibly going to have to go through this myself someday, I agree that a lawyer is best. I would want the courts to say what custody rights you would have so that if she says you can't see your child than she would be violating the courts decision. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope everything works out for you.

[Milly]

Praying for you about this. This whole situation is terrible. I really hope it gets resolved quickly for you.

[JJ]

I suppose your wife might feel somewhat betrayed that you are no longer there to be her champion in a way. You were giving her love and attention by forcing her to be more independent and now that you have moved on she probably also feels abandoned. Maybe even jealous that the baby is getting attention she isn't?

Since I gon't know her or your mother-in-law I can't say for sure. Does your mother in law want that much extra responsibility? Is she angry and hostile to you?

And maybe it is just a whim, a way to get to you, a way to get attention?

Whatever it isn't fair. You have a right to be angry.

All I can do is say You don't deserve this and give you a big hug and my prayers.

Hugs and love

JJ

[Guest ChloëC]

Belle,

I understand all too well much of what you're going through. Divorce is terrible and when there is custody of a small child involved it's even worse.

If you really want custody (which I believe you do from your post), be prepared. The court decision will most likely be bad. The first thing is - get the absolute best lawyer you can, whether you think you can afford it or not. There are a lot of lawyers out there, and the vast majority of them are middling at best. You have to have the best. The judges know what's going on when they see the lawyers in court.

Next, if your state has anything like what's called 'Friend of the Court' where there is this service of the court that is supposed to interview you and your spouse and make a recommendation on which may be the better parent, be prepared - they most likely won't be your 'friend' at all. Too often the father has to go way beyond the bounds of decency to show that 'he' is the better parent, when practically everyone already knows it. It will be tough.

And, if your spouse knows anything of your gender issues, be prepared for that too. Divorces when they come, way too often get ugly, and everything may be considered fair game.

Remember you're working to give your child the best future possible. And that means whether you win or lose custody. If it's determined that you only get visitation on certain days, keep to those days and keep a record. If you have to pay support, keep to it and keep a record. If anything changes in the custodial parent's situation that makes that person less able to care for the child (like you ex- winds up sending the child to day and/or night care, or has endless babysitters) get your lawyer to file for a change of custody. You do everything right and according to whatever is written. Let her violate the terms. It makes a change of custody so much easier.

I messed up at the outset of my divorce, even though I had physical custody (of a 1 year old) and she didn't want him at that time (she wanted to find herself). When she did, she got legal custody but violated the terms right and left. I got a much better lawyer, filed again, showing I had followed every term of the settlement and she hadn't. And against the finding of 'Friend of the Court' (both times) I won. And then I had to go the state she was in and do it all over again. And I won again. And my raising of him was absolutely the best thing that could have happened and in his late 30's, my son is fully aware of that.

It's because I loved my child that I knew what I had to do, and I did whatever I could and I'm glad of it. Do whatever you can, and hopefully, some day, you and your child will know it was the right thing.

Good luck!

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Emily Ray]

Belle,

I can only say I will pray for you and your success this whole subject brings me to a place I can no longer go safely.

Huggs and Love

Emily

[Guest Tess]

Dear Belle,

I really hope this works out for you. It is so unfair that you have to start right away on the defensive. I hope some reasonable compromise is possible so you can all stay friends for the sake of your child. Good luck sweetheart,

Tess.

[Guest SouthernBelle]

I talked to a lawyer. She made it sound like (although she did not specifically say) I have a good chance of winning primary custody of my baby if we wind up in a custody battle. I figured that my transness would be a big deal (and it might depending on the judge, she says), but the fact that my wife is wheelchair-bound give me a leg up. I know. It's terrible. I would never want to use something like that against her, but if it comes down to it, I may. Please, God, forgive me in advance for what I may or may not do!

Anyway, she recommended that we try to go through a mediator first and see what happens. So that's what we're doing.

HUGGS AND KISSES

Belle

[Guest Donna Jean]

Belle...

Honey, I do not envy the position that you are in.

I mean that I truly do understand that from a physical stand point you are the obvious one..

I am like you, though...

When it comes down to it, I truly hope that you don't have to play that card..

Good luck, Baby...

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

My heart goes out to you Belle. Divorces are truly no-win situations, and most, especially those involving us TG folks, seem destined to turn ugly. I hope yours is the exception.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest SouthernBelle]

My heart goes out to you Belle. Divorces are truly no-win situations, and most, especially those involving us TG folks, seem destined to turn ugly. I hope yours is the exception.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

I hope so too, Carolyn. I hope so too...

HUGGS

Belle