Does Anyone Have Any Tips For Dealing With This?

[Guest chngnwnd]

Today was an emotionally difficult day for me. I found myself overcome with regret and pain about not having asked for help as a teenager. I kept dwelling what kind on what kind of life I would have has, had I understood what it means to be a transsexual better and had been bold enough to tell my parents that I needed help.

I can't imagine my life without my kids, and I would not have them had I been able to get help as a teenager. I felt myself being overcome with pangs of regret and guilt over not having acted and guilt for wishing I had acted because my children are so dear to me.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this?

Bobbie

[Milly]

I'm not sure but I would love to know myself. That is one of the main reasons I've been depressed all day. It's killing me. If I said something then, if I knew what it was than maybe I could have done something. So many years lost... We had money then I could have been who I wanted to be by now...

[Carolyn Marie]

Bobbie, there are many of us here, myself included, who have felt that guilt and regret, feel it every day. I too have a child, and I too have lived nearly a full lifetime in the wrong gender.

In exploring this with my G.T., and in talking to my friends here, I have concluded that there is no escaping it, no magic wand to wave to get rid of the regret and the pain and all the "what ifs." You simply learn to live with it, learn not to dwell on it, learn how to be happy with the fact that you have done something about it now, even if now is 40 years past when you wish you had.

We make choices every day in our lives, some turn out well, some turn out badly, some turn out indifferently. The choices we don't make seem to be the ones that haunt us the most, but are the ones we can do least about.

My advice, be glad for the good things in your life, and be glad that you are now on the right path. Leave the rest behind. Its history.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest kelise]

I hit this all the time, and I transitioned at 26! It usually happens when I see a bunch of pretty young high school or early college girls and i think about what it would be like to be 18 again and a girl. I think back to my summers after high school working at an amusement park, rooming in their housing with 16 guys and all their nastiness in one apartment, wishing i could have had the memories of going to the waterpark with my female roommates.

I guess one gets this no matter how young they transition. If I transitioned at 2, i'd probably look back and wish I had done it at 1.

[Drea]

Guilt, shame, regret are part of the things that one deals with. Because they are "normal" to experience when dealing with this stuff doesn't mean they simply resolve themselves. Such issues are excellent items for discussion in therapy.

It seems to me that people decide to find help (or transition) when the time is right for them. For one reason or another it wasn't really possible and it is really easy to forget that and focus on what may have been. It also seems to me that it is pointless to beat oneself up over what might have been. It also has been my observation that people usually express these sorts of feelings of regret (about not doing something sooner) when they first find help, but after some years a recognition sets in that things happen for a reason.

It is unfortunate that many, unintentionally put pressure on younger folks by expressing these regrets that they didn't do it sooner and sometimes activly encourage them to do something now rather than wait and have these same regrets. While there are plusses, there are also minuses. What is right for one doesn't necessarily mean its right for another.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I finally had my realization at 57-58 and started on my path...

I'm 60 now and I'm happy for where I'm at..

But, regret?

Hell yes!

But, like my girlfriend, Lizzy says..."This way lies madness!"

It's the past and no matter what we do, there's no changing it...

So, I made myself a pact....

I will live my life from this day forward...no looking back...

Is it hard to do?

Dang straight....but it has to be done!

Bobbie, Honey....you have your children...and you didn't act as a teen....

That's how we are as Trans people...

Conflicted.

Try not to dwell on the bad parts...be thankful for your children and move from here forward...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Penelope]

You can't manipulate the past, and the future is only something that grows from what we do now.

How true! Please use your precious time to make the right choices now, Bobbie.

Penelope

[Guest chngnwnd]

I really appreciate all the encouragement that you all have given me. I am starting to work through it(and cry, yet again).

In my rational mind I know there is so much I have done and accomplished that never would have happened had I transitioned young - and most importantly, I would not have had my boys whom I adore (even though the youngest is a real smartass - and keeps reminding me how typically female it is of me that I can't let go of that - which just goes to prove my point when he says that).

Also, as I count my blessings (after blessing one and two being my boys), I realize that some things that I hated about myself are now assets. When I was still pretending to be a man, I used to hate the fact that I am short, skinny, and have an effeminate appearance - which led to even more self-loathing. Now, I could not be happier to be like this.

Anyway, now that I am rambling....let me just sum up...

I have clawed my way out of that dark place I was in yesterday and you all helped me to do it and for that too, I consider myself blessed..

love you all

Bobbie

[Guest Donna Jean]

Bobbie, Sweetheart....

I come on this morning an I'm happy to see that you're in a far better place this morning!

Wonderful!

We seem to have so many conflicts, being Trans..

Hang in there, Baby....it will be just fine!

HUGGGGGGGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

I don't think one has to be trans to wish they were 18 (or younger) again; to have the chance to live 'major' parts of your life over, knowing what you know now. (Like the saying - Youth is wasted on the young). Oh, there are so many things I would have done so differently had I the understanding I do now, and they have little to do with gender identity. Although, I certainly would have explored my feelings about that a lot deeper, too!

Bobbie, I'm glad you've come through this, and there has been a lot of wonderful responses. Just be aware that I suspect (as it has for me) that there will be more up and down moments in your life - which I think are part of the human experience. As it has been said here before, being tg just adds something a little extra to that experience, both good and bad.

One of my favorite cartoons - two homeless guys in an alley, one says to the other, 'Can you imagine where we'd be without an MBA?'

It's a good thing to count your blessings. Just don't dwell on the past. As I've tried to say before, I don't think there is a right path or a wrong path in life. We choose a path, and at any time can choose another. Where did those other paths lead? It matters so much more where the path you're on now leads. That's the choice we can make. And hopefully it will lead to more blessings.

Hugs

Chloë

[JJ]

Your post made me look at how I do feel and why. For me-I wish that things had been otherwise. That I had fathered my child instead I guess. Because wishing you can explore the what if's and you might as well make it good.

But regret-No. Not at all. I regret a million other things that I have done or said but I save regret for what I could have changed. I couldn't change being trans or my reaction to it for so long. I was born this way and reacted as I was conditioned to react. I did my best to be my best. The price has been high-too high- but I could not have done differently at the time. Now I know. I understand and it is up to me at last. I may regret what I do from here but not the past.

I may as well regret not being born in Colorado rather than Texas (Okay-no Texan will ever voice that regret but it WAS West Texas after all) or born now instead of a more ignorant time.

I believe this is true for all of us. We have done the best we could in the circumstances we faced.

Huggs

JJ

[Guest Elizabeth K]

We all have exactly those regrets. It can cause a lot of pain if it gets too out of hand, the regret I mean.

I believe everything happens for a reason - but we rarely have a clear idea of what that reason is. The best we can do is just keep on doing the best we can with the cards we were delt.

So Dee Jay mentioned I always say this - I do - and I will repeat:

Looking back at what mighta,coulda, shoulda? THAT WAY LIES MADNESS!

Lizzy

[Guest Micha]

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards!"

Kierkegaard

What you've been through has made you who you are, you've gotten from your experiences what you need, to be you right now. Regret comes with that, but the things that you regret are just lessons to keep with you so you know now and for the future what to do. There's no other way to know, and I feel that's the whole point to life; development and growth. What point would there be if we were perfect and "right" at birth?

Tha's how I deal, or at least, in general. I can't always practice it, but I try.