A Compilation Of Thoughts In Regards,

[Guest Hildagard]

I've been told by my therapist to share my ideas in a supporting community,

i've falling in love with the people and atmosphere of Laura's, so I feel this is a great place to share

those feelings and not be judged, do be warned I write in an aggressively formal manner, and that

these notes are just how I have personally experienced my situation, and should not be used by anyone

else other then as a guideline for what events in your life exemplify the nature of your feelings.

I believe in honesty, and you are only cheating yourself by using my notes as stories for your GP or Therapist.

Herein lie the notes:

Currently only starting the process of exploration of the possibility of undergoing HRT and SRS for a MTF transition, but I have always been treated in non gender specific ways, which has lead me open to lead my life as my mind deems is the dominant gender. In which case, I have thought of myself as, and always will, a female. I create characters in video games as a realistic depiction of me, in a fantasy world where I can be whomever I want to, and no one thinks otherwise of my avatar. As far as they are concerned, its just a character I enjoy playing.

As long as I can remember, I have always indentified as a female, back in Kindergarten when it was time to play dress up, I’d be the first to run and snag the dress or skirt I thought was gorgeous, begging twirling about and really have moments of pure happiness. Thinking back I can tell the care takers where a bit worried, but as a little kid who cried at the thought of (I shall refer to myself as a female from this point onwards) her being taken away from her mum, they put the connection between my obvious dependencies and need on female or motherly contact in my younger years. However, as I became more mature and my father became a instrumental part of my development and a loving mentor for all things, my dependencies on the motherly figure where not there or vague, and I relied equally on both gender, but I still felt that something wasn’t right. At the age of 7 I was introduced or rather took a liking to the world of video games, the first game I bought was Super Smash Bros for the Nintendo 64. My favourite characters to play were, of course, those that came across in a feminine nature, such as Kirby, who I later found out to be a male, were a pink round cute ball.

From thence onwards I have created and played female characters online and on consoles, and in some respects lived vicariously through those characters, I felt very cheated anytime my friends online would tell the random people we had ‘grouped’ with or interacted with in any way that I was a male, as I felt very much indeed that this was a lie, and that having my ‘cover’ blown was a violation of me as a person. I also was affected by TV shows, such as an episode of the ‘Fairly Odd Parents’ in which Timmy magically wishes himself into a girl by fairy magic. I got incredibly jealous of this episode, and turned it off before seeing the end.

However I did not always understand my Dysphoria, from the age of 9, when I started the first stages of puberty, it became apparent that something was not right. I began to have erections, which whenever I do have one, disgust me, and I think very much of my genitalia as a sort of, wart, an ailment which needs medical attention, it is not a part of me but a growth. A birth defect, in a crude manner of thought. From the ages of 9 til about the age of 11 I had not known that I felt differently, I assumed everyone felt this way, and was part of puberty, everyone always tells you puberty changes how you think, I assumed this is was what their imparted knowledge warned me of, it was til Late 11 early 12 that I saw a TV special on Oprah, about Transsexualism, the state of being in a Gender Dysphoria and feeling born into the wrong gender. From that special I learnt how the other people in similar cases felt, and as such, I know had a means of indentifying how I felt, and to a degree, why I felt this way. I did not tell anyone, however, as now that I knew it was different I was sure I would be ridiculed, you must understand I was a naive child who was going from Primary to middle school, infamous for the bashings of gay, lesbians and transgendered individuals. I used to walk home everyday from school and wish that someone would kidnap me and perform a SRS surgery ‘without my acceptance’ or that I’d somehow have magical power to change my body, or split myself open and have the true me alive in there, something that wasn’t my fault. With the wisdom I have now I realise it isn’t my fault, it never was. But back then, I thought I was a complete freak, I hated myself and everyone in my situation, I held a knife to my wrist many times, but always turned back because my dog at the time, Dutch, would bark and whine. I got annoyed then, but if he didn’t distract me, I’d of been dead. When I was 14 I came out to my Mother, through a letter placed on her Jewelery box, back then I didn’t understand fully the length of the process and what goes into it, the media glamorized it and to me, it came across as something everyone could do overnight. I cowardly claimed my brain was playing tricks on me and that I’d be fine later. I wasn’t, the feeling got stronger and stronger, it consumed my thinking patterns day in and day out, I decided to do some research online about people in my situation. I found some good information and a lot of helpful people, chat rooms with people facing similar circumstances and success stories. I spent 2 years in secret researching these things, I wasn’t ready to come out yet, I needed to know the full scope of my situation. I bided my time, learnt as much as I can, shortly after my brother’s 18th birthday, 16 years and 6 months into my time alive, I decided it was right, I came out to my Mother once again, this time I claimed that this feeling was too strong to ignore, and that I need to pursue my option as far as it was concerned.

As such, I start my journey into transition from MTF, and I feel very strongly about SRS and HRT at the moment. I doubt these feelings would change. What the future holds is unclear, one thing is for certain, I won’t be walking back the same person – for the better.

-These are private notes written by Christian Booth (Also known as Hildagard Booth) which explain the process of thoughts and feeling which ‘she’ has had in relation to the feeling of transsexualism or Gender Dysphoria. This is done to show the thought and depth which has been considered on the subject, the waiting for development or fading of feeling regarding.

These notes are not a complete analysis of the situation, and only hold some insight into how I feel, these are merely recorded thoughts when the time was available.

[Guest Hildagard]

Reading over this, I apologize for all the grammatical errors, spelling errors and massive amounts of commas used.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Reading over this, I apologize for all the grammatical errors, spelling errors and massive amounts of commas used.

Use the commas up, Hon...that's what they're there for!

And, I read your post and I find it very interesting...

Many people here have no idea where they are in the big picture gender wise...

You seem to have a good handle on who you are....

That's wonderful

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Renny-sama]

I also was affected by TV shows, such as an episode of the ‘Fairly Odd Parents’ in which Timmy magically wishes himself into a girl by fairy magic. I got incredibly jealous of this episode, and turned it off before seeing the end.

well I watched it fully and he actually done it by mistake he wanted to think like a girl... but Wanda had misplaced the meaning and turned Timmy into Timantha or somethin'. After that... Timantha hung out with Trixie Tang at the mall and found out what Trixie wanted for her birthday... she wanted someone who liked her for who she is... and to say: "Hey I like Kissy-kissy goo-goo and Skull squisher." or something like that... Timmy did turn back before he saw Trixie at the party... trust me I remember...

[Guest BeckyTG]

Sweet Hildegard,

First off, welcome to the group. Second, congratulations for first accepting your true self, loving yourself and being brave enough to post here.

Write as much as you want. You'll find that, as you read our stories, we seem to all have an eerily similar theme and tone to them. It's a little unsettling to some that when they read someone else's story, they also see it as their own.

I write a lot here and my posts are seldom short. I also write for therapy for myself and I also have a mission to help others.

You seem to have a good grip of the realities of transsexualism. This will serve you well going forward and you should consider yourself fortunate that you have been allowed to pursue these feelings at a young age. Years ago, this was not the case and we had to hide in the shed, for fear of persecution.

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest sarah f]

Hildegard explore away here on the site. It is full of experience and helpful ladies and gents. Like Becky said, you will find your story is not too far from the rest of ours.

[Guest KimberlyF]

Like I don't have enough stuff going on in life. Now I'm gonna have tivo Fairly Odd Parents until that episode comes up.

Kar

[Guest NatashaJade]

I also was affected by TV shows, such as an episode of the ‘Fairly Odd Parents’ in which Timmy magically wishes himself into a girl by fairy magic. I got incredibly jealous of this episode, and turned it off before seeing the end.

Thank you for sharing so much with us, Hildagard. I have Laura's to be an excellent place to open and share whatever is on my mind and receive nothing but the kindest support.

While I did not see that particular epison, it made me think of all the body changing and body swapping fiction I used to obsess on. There's a Piers Anthony Xanth novel where the main character switches bodies with a woman he is with for a time. I must have read and reread that section of the book so many times the book started falling apart. I lived in those kinds of wishes. But now that I've come out to myself and started the real process of change, I don't have to make those kinds of wishes anymore.

luv

Gin

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube, isn't it! I think you are at the cusp of some great revelations about yourself.

Hildegard - please keep us posted on what you feel is going on - there are those here that need to know they are NOT alone.

Lizzy