Here Goes Nothing

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Hi, my name is Belle.

I can't believe I'm posting here, but I think it's time.

How do I explain?

Well, to start, I used to lie a lot. OK, so I wasn't like a compulsive liar. I didn't make things up for no reason.

Rewind. When I was about 12 I made things up. But that was a long time a go.

Anyway, so I stopped that long ago. I wound up becoming a secret agent. At least that's what I told myself. I never lied on a whim, but when I felt it necessary, I would lie without giving it a second thought. I could come up with a whole backstory and make people believe almost anything. Of course, I only used my powers when I deemed it necessary.

So I gave that up. And that's no lie. I told my parents and family members and wife the truth to a few of the lies that I have told over the years.

Why am I explaining this? It's the same reason I told Sally and Lizzy this story... While I'm telling no lies, I'm allowing myself to deceive.

So I gave up drinking a while back. And I did well. I quit cold turkey for... 3 months? IDK. Anyway, since my wife and I decided to split up, things have changed.

I decided that I would find out if I was an alcoholic for myself, because my wife was the one that decided that first. Well, I must be honest: I'm still not sure.

But why is it that when cash is low, I am still drinking. It's not every day, because I'm trying to quit smoking, but why does it still happen?

I keep putting down cigarettes and when I break down and buy a pack, I say I might as well buy some beer.

Oh, and the weight gain. And the fact that I've been drunk on Skype and said nothing. I wonder if any of you could tell? I'm too good at hiding the effects. That should be a sign in and of itself.

OMG... I never wanted to be an alcoholic. My whole family puts alcohol on a pedestal. What am I to do? When I go over to my parents' house, there is smoking and drinking abound. But I am desperate for their affection. What am I to do?

HUGGS AND KISSES

Belle

P.S. it's almost noon and I'm drinking now. I've been drinking for at least an hour. Still, although I know that that is a huge sign, I am still undecided about my own alcoholism.

[Guest sarah f]

Belle I am sorry to say but kicking the habit is hard to do. I come from a family that drinks and smokes to. I tried a cig when I was a kid and never liked them. I also would drink a couple times a week. The main reason I don't smoke is the smell. I can't handle the smell of cigs. Now the reason I quit drinking was that I decided to transition and that was one of my goals before starting. I still want one every once in a while and had 3 drinks while on vacation in Reno last month. That is the last time I had a drink. I have friends that ask me why and I just tell them that I don't want to drink anymore. As long as you don't drink in access than one every now and then isn't bad. Now as far as smoking, I would say quit all together because they are addictive and bad for your health. Good Luck with quiting.

[Guest Ree]

Belle, my darling

Let me tell you a story and see if this helps you decide if your abusing alcohol. My family on my Dad's side are usually drunk or have drank through a few bottles, by 10 am.

I should know when I was younger I thought that was the way to solve my shyness, and to help me fit in. So I drank like a fish, and smoked and did drugs.

For a while I fit in.

BUT inside I still felt wrong, I still could tell I was different then them. *sigh* Even when I was drunk and tried to tell them who I really was I couldn't.

Alcohol, may look right now that it helps, but I am sorry hon, it doesn't. The numbing effect, only masks the heartache inside.

I didn't have the people here to help, and my road was so rough that I almost died.

We are here for you Belle.

You are stronger then your family, you are stronger then your environment.

REMEMBER YOU ARE A TRANS! sissies don't need not apply

You are my sister.

You are loved

your friend forever

Ree

[Guest KimberlyF]

Belle,

I'm obese as hell and every doctor tells me to lose weight or I'll be dead. I highly doubt I've mentioned it before because it's on my list of reasons of why sometimes I just want to die. And yet it's completely my fault.

I have to live for my kids. We have to stop doing this crap to ourselves and live our lives for us.

One day at a time is more than just a phrase. It's all you can do is take these things one day at a time. You can't celebrate 90 days sober without day 1 or 20 or 50. And when you fall down find someone to pick you up and start again.

I get it. I so want my parents to love me. But really at some point I have to start loving myself. I can't think of a greater gift I could give my kids. A dead parent or depressed or whatever is not something those innocent little guys should have to deal with.

Belle, I want to see you fully become who you are inside. These things are never easy, but I can tell from what I've seen here that you are an amazingly strong woman and you can do whatever you set your mind to.

Kar

[JJ]

Hi Belle

The cardinal rule about being an alcoholic-if alcohol is causing a problem in your life and you continue to use it you ARE an alcoholic.

And if you question that you are-you are, because you wouldn't ask if it wasn't a problem.

Alcohol is hard to quit alone. And no matter where you are there will be alcohol close by. So that said the next step is getting help. Research what kind of help is available and go get it. It won't get any better by itself and in your case you really can't afford to let it go. Right now you have the precious wonderful little guy-and I know right now you'd never endanger him with alcohol but some day you will. Cold hard ugly fact. Alcohol becomes your life-slowly, stealthily but inevitably. You know you don't want to see that happen. When your baby and the wonderful new Belle who is just living, and your family-everything-becomes less important than that next drink. When you hurt them so they'll hurt you to give you an excuse to drink. When no one will believe you or trust you anymore. And if you are an alcoholic-which it sounds like-all of that is inevitable as the sun rising in the morning. I am the child and ex-wife of alcoholics and I was certified to train alcohol abuse councilors-so I know what I am talking about. The future is grim indeed.

But -it doesn't have to be. You can get help and you can stop. Millions have. But it means just those two things. Getting help. And quitting. Completely-because 1 does make a difference.

This is more important than smoking-even more important than transition in it's way. Because it can jeopardize everything, Will jeopardize everything sooner or later.

Sorry to sound so stern and grim-but I don't believe there is any other way. And the stakes are so high you need to see them for what they are.

You have this marvelous enthusiasm. This "lets get it done" attitude that tells me you can do it. Just a matter of seeing what the situation is. Alcoholism is a disease in the sense that everyone who has it ends up going through the same things sooner or later but unlike other fatal diseases this one can be fought and stopped.

I am so glad you decided to open up because that and getting help will save your life. And it is such a precious life.

Love

JJ

[Guest Opal]

Belle,

Want to give you all the encouragement and support we can, but you are the one who has to take the physical action of stopping. You give such wonderful support to others on here, we need you!

Hugs!

Opal

[Guest SouthernBelle]

I quit drinking again today. I'm still smoking, cuz I'm waiting for my e-cigarette to get here and we'll see what happens with that. I think I'll do OK on the alcohol. I just have to stay committed. Now that I've come out and told everyone about the whole alcohol thing, it will be easy for me to keep you all posted.

Oh, by the way, you know what did it for me? I looked in the mirror and saw my beer belly coming back. Ewwww!!

Bought some sports bras today and I'm just going to wear those around the house to keep the reminder on my brain.

HUGGS AND KISSES

Belle

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Still not drinking.

[Carolyn Marie]

Good for you, Belle. One day at a time, sister. We're here for you.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Opal]

Still not drinking.

That is wonderful to hear! Take it a day at a time, a day at a time.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest KimberlyF]

How are we doing today, Belle? Been thinking about you and wondering.

Kar

[Guest Donna Jean]

How are we doing today, Belle? Been thinking about you and wondering.

Kar

Me, too, Hon......

Love

Dee Jay

[Guest Opal]

And me

[Guest sarah f]

I am glad you quit drinking Belle. You will start to feel better about yourself knowing you are not like your family and that you can do this on your own. Let us know how its going.

[JJ]

Hi Bellle

It's a hard road you're going down-full of bumps an pot holes. We' d love to hear form you-celebrte your victories and commiserate if there have been stumbles.

Love

JJ

[Guest SouthernBelle]

LOL I need to go back to that the general forum and add a reply to the topic 'You might be trans if...' and say, "You might be trans if you're gone from Laura's for a few days and everyone is worried about you."

I actually even got a txt msg from someone and I have no idea who the person is. Perhaps it was Sally? Idk. I got a new phone so I don't have my contacts and I don't like responding to random numbers lol

SO MUCH LOVE

Belle

P.S. I'm actually doing well. Me and my baby have been sick. I'll explain on a topic when I'm done making my rounds here on the forums (if i get around to it)

[Guest SouthernBelle]

BTW, I neglected to mention how thankful I am to have such a wonderful, loving group of friends... no... a wonderful, loving family that worries about me.

You are all very special.

LOVE YOU

Belle

[Guest Opal]

You are very special, Belle !

Huggs!

Opal

[Guest Clockwork]

I'm sure it's already been said, but, yes alcoholism is a hard habit to kick, and that's no different from smoking. I'm glad to see you've decided to go with E-cigs. My mom doesn't think their good for quitting and their probably not. BUT, the good news is, your only getting nicotine, which in itself is bad for you, atleast your not getting the carcinogens that most smokers get from regular cigarettes.

As for the alcoholism, I know how hard it can be to want to drink,since alcoholism and drug abuse run in my family a bit but have to say no to it as alcoholism runs in my family as well. I have to be careful with narcotics as well but thats for another thread and another day.

Either way i wish you the best of luck and hope you succeed.

CLKWRK

[megandb]

Yes kicking anything is hard to do. Im going to tell you all something I have only told my therapist, and a few close friends, back when I was young and dumb (about 6 years ago) I decided to drink, alot. I worked for and lived with my grandfather he paid me $250/week plus room and board I spent about $225/week on adult beverages (hey I had no other bills at the time so why not) and at the end of the week I was out, it was my way of coping with well, everything. After being drunk everynight for about 3 months I had a thought "what the heck am I doing I wake up every morning with a hang over, I feel like crap until noon I work 8 bloody hours then I drink again, im an IDIOT" and well I slowed down, yeah i still got drunk from time to time, but nothing like before. Later I got into truck driving and had several friends that drank alot and I got back into it, then I took up smoking cigs too. After about a year of paying for cigs I decided to quit that and went cold turkey, I went through alot of sunflower seeds. lol I was still drinking alot and being extreamly self destructive, I didnt care if I lived or died, and I did stupid stuff. I by all rights rules and regulations should be dead or have every STD known to man, I got lucky and am clean. I kept drinking through this all. One great night I was introduced to the wonders of home brewing. I got into home brewing, I got a starter kit and went about making my first batch of home brewed beer. I put alot of work into that first batch, several hours for the brewing, several days for fermantion, then a week to carbonate after bottling. That first bottle of my own home beer that I put so much time and care into tasted so good, but I couldnt bring myself to waste it getting drunk. I thought "this much effort goes into all adult beverages, why waste it? I need to enjoy it" now I still get drunk from time to time but really only drink to enjoy it, to taste the beer that people put their time and effort into making, it is their baby I cant drink their baby to get drunk. I treat beer the way wine tasters treat wine I spend time looking at it, smelling it, tasting it, savoring it, thanking the folks for their hard work to make it. I cant just waste it getting drunk. People take time away from their family to make it for me to enjoy, I owe it to them to enjoy it, not waste it. Today a case of beer may last me two weeks or more, and I save the bottles for my own beer.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying an adult beverage from time to time, if you are of legal age. I do it, many people do it. I also now smoke cigars, I may smoke one a week or one a month (they are pricy lol ) the way I see it, if we cant do something that relaxes us and makes us happy, what is the point? However when you start to get addicted to something then its time to do something about it. All addictions are the same, be it booze, cigs, illegal drugs, video games, or my drug of choise last year....cutting when you HAVE to do it to function then thats not good at all.

All the staff and lots of the members on LP can help you just ask, we have an NA/AA meeting in chat every week, atend it once. Take the sugestions given. Go to AA meetings irl I will give you congrats for every coin you earn and every day you are sober (I have a friend in AA and im looking forward to telling her congrats on one year so much i can taste it) the key is admiting your issue and seeking help, and the staff and members here at LP are the best ever to get help from.