A Self-Reflected Inner Sadness

[Guest NatashaJade]

Ah, my dear ones...

I had a really hard time over the last few days for no good reason other than I still have a hard time believing people can be so cruel and stupid as they are. In this case, it was over some comments on the Advocate article on the trans woman and the country club. The article wasn't upsetting insomuch as I don't expect much more from people. It was upsetting because of the nature of the commentary from readers. It was disgusting. I don't know why I ever read comments on articles online. For some reason, my eyes drift downward and pretty soon I am wading through the muck and filth, looking for a bright light or two. But in the end, I just feel dirty. I feel covered in vile hateful filth that someone vomited on me.

But the fact is, that is how I feel whenever I hear people talking about some transwoman they saw or think they saw. They put on their best Austin Powers and break out "That's a man, baby!" and wait for laughter and applause at their clever bon mot. And I feel dirty and sad because I want to yell at them that I am not a man but I can't because I am a coward at best. At worst, I am complicit, because I know better and do not defend. I may mumble some half-hearted "No, I don't think so" and change the subject. But how am I different if I am not trying to be better?

I've been going non-stop for the last few days and I'll be going non-stop for the next two weeks or so. Part of me is breaking down a little so every little thing is getting to me more than it should. I'm trying to get outside of my head for a bit, but it doesn't work as well as it should.

But I do want to say this, my dear friends. As sad as I am. As upset as I get. As angry as I am with myself for not being better, I am still here and I will fight to remain here. My life, as weird and out there as lives go, is a gift and even through all the muck that I wade through, I have seen better days and I will see better days again. Sadness is not the worst thing in the world because it means you are feeling and everyday you are felling something is a good day. Anger can be righteous and spur you to action.

I linked to the song I did today because it reminds me to get out of myself and look outside. I created a balloon forest for my son's 5th birthday today and when we woke up, he was ecstatic. For all of my issues, I brought joy to my child. A good start to the day.

Changes here at 36 weeks? What I have really noticed are the vellous hairs on my scalp are darkening a little and growing longer. Not enough to burn my hairpiece over, but enough to make me smile a little. Something's going on there and it could be a sign of greater things. I'll monitor the situation and report back.

This week feel the sun on your face and let it warm you (but not for too long and wear sunblock if you do).

love you all

Gin

[Guest Donna Jean]

Gin, Honey.....

I totally understand what you're saying and none of us can feel happy all the time..

And one of the drawbacks of not being 100% out is to have to hear those hateful remarks and not really be able to comment to the thoughtless cretin how you really feel...Been there, didn't do that....

Hang in there baby...it will all be good in the end....

Oh, and please do your best to stay away from the "Comments" section for your own sanity...

I find myself reading them, too....and regretting it!

LOVE.....

Donna Jean

[Guest Penelope]

Dear Gin,

Better than railing against cruelty and stupidity, you made someone happy.

I sense that it is the best cure for a lot of sadness.

You do good to others here by helping to run this site.

Hugs,

Penelope

[Guest Sam_P]

When it comes to reading comments on articles like that I remind myself of the idiocy you find on most Youtube video comments. I haven't seen that kind of idiocy replayed in person so it gives me hope that the situation regarding the wider public's views on such topics is not so dire! Such spaces just seem to amplify the crazies. *hugs*

[Sally]

Dear Gin,

I understand completely and I have something to offer to you.

I spent way too long being sad as my only feeling or emotion, crying through each day alone without ever going out or talking to anyone in person.

My Girlfriends here on Laura's - you know doubt know that Donna Jean and Lizzy are my two closest with so many other loving friends joining them they gave me the gift that I am going to give to you and all I want in return is the S from sad.

I give you a G because I consider us to be girlfriends now an I also give you an L from all of my love.

Now give me that S and put the G an L into place.

The world is actually a wonderful place and there are so many good and loving people, you are surrounded by them here so bring out your brand new word and feel glad!

LOVE

Sally

[JJ]

Hi Gin

A couple of times I've read the comments on articles involving trans and pretty quickly found myself asking why I did that. I finally realized that I was secretly hoping to find a few sane voices of reason to defend us. And there were a few but the other voices drowned them out for me. It's like looking for validation on Jerry Springer. But I read comments on other articles long before I realized I was trans and saw the same narrow-minded bigted hatred spewed forth-even on articles about a child overcoming a medical condition or the Special Olympics. Unfortunately when Jerry Springer isn't on his audience is busy writing nasty comments on articles online.

We all know that the Springer audience doesn't represent the average everyday person-niether do those cretins who make a hobby of posting comments online. Even though the Advocate is LBGT they don't ask that you have some kind of certification to register and post. What better place for bashers to spread their poison than a place that is expected to be free of it?

And the people who have made remarked in front of you? Transwomen scare men -they just can't understand. Say the word vasectomy in a room full of men and watch where their hands go-immediately-just imagine how hard the idea of SRS hits. In addition there's the whole homophobia issue that the misunderstanding of trans automatically brings. If a guy finds a t-woman attractive it worries and upsets him so he vents that fear in ignorant jokes. And you know men say ugly things about just about everything when they get in a group. Unpleasant-and what COULD you say in that situation? Even if you were not trans but disagreed how can you possibly explain why the comments are wrong? Why they have it backwards except to say-that she was a woman. She just got the wrong body and leave it at that. Sometimes it's too shocking or threatening to speak up.

Most people aren't bad or hostile or unkind. Most are just trying to get through the day. Not haters, not unkind. Just ignorant. There is something in me that says no one will make me feel dirty or less because of this accident of birth!

You are a good person-you survive hte trauma and confusion of this condition and go on striving. You reach through your sadness and self-condemnatin to help and support and share love with others. That makes you a good person-a very good person.

I hope it soon gets better for you-you know you have all our love and support too.

Hugs

JJ

[Guest KimberlyF]

Gin,

I kinda get what you were saying on the other thread about the GLB community barely tolerating us and being more upset by the comments than the article itself. I don't think thats totally true they barely tolerate us, but as usual the vocal few in a group make the whole look bad. I have a lesbian friend in another state who was working on hate crime legislation in her state and she was disgusted by the attitudes of some gays and lesbians towards the transgender community and her gay friend turned to her and asked if these people didn't think we were human. The truth is some people don't want equality for all but equality for them. There are good and evil in almost every group. I have so many lesbian friends online because right out of the gate they understand me better than most straight people. But some lesbians want absolutely nothing to do with MtF trans.

But there are also gays that don't like lesbians and lesbians who don't like gays and some of each that don't like bisexuals because obviously those people are just lying to themselves and are really gay. Instead of a united force we divide ourselves and make us easier to pick off.

Of course being in the smallest of minorities we have the least power and the worst time of it. But things have gotten so much better now than when I first figured myself out 25 years ago so we're moving in the right direction.

Kar

[Guest NatashaJade]

Thanks for the responses, all. I do appreciate each and every one. I've been in such a weird head space. I was all ready this morning to go out and cut my hair off (again! I have such a love/hate issue with my hair...I'd love to have more and hate that I don't so I'd sometimes rather have none than what I have which is not enough...you get the drift).

So Carolyn posted another article today and after reading it, I started towards the comments and then stopped. I just don't need to go there...I set myself up for outrage. I need to stay in my calm center...maybe I'll take a tip from Fight Club and project into a cool cave with a penguin...I have no Marla in my life to ruin it for me. Okay, no more Fight Club talk.

I'm really doing well all things considered. I've been much worse, I promise you. What I really wanted to say was that despite the sadness that gets to me, I still love life and feel fortunate for all that I have. My wife asked me this morning what I would do if I could go back to being 13 or 14, knowing everything I do now. I told her I'd try to do everything just the same up until the birth of my daughter. My wife and children are my greatest joy and nothing I could have done differently would be worth losing them. If I knew then what I know now, I would know that.

love to you all

Gin