Awkward Sex Question ... (nc-17)

[Guest st.john]

Ok, so I posted this question to another board last night, but thought maybe I should bring it up here too, as I'm willing to take any and all advice right now. (I'm in a very confused, screwed up place.) it's very uncomfortable to talk about, and probably far too much information, so if you're as uncomfortable reading about personal issues as i am with sharing them, you can stop here ... (Also, this is probably going to be kind of long. Apologies in advance.)

Ok, so the backstory. #1 - I don't even know if this is under the right topic, as I'm still unsure if I am trans or not. I've only really started thinking about gender issues & such in the last few years, and the idea that I might be trans only occurred within the last 6-8 months or so. I can't pass at all, despite my best efforts, but that's another problem entirely. lol.

#2 - i have been with my boyfriend (biomale) for 5 years now, ever since my first year of uni when i was 18. (i'm 23 now and I feel horribly old.) it's the first relationship i've ever been in (he's the only one who will put up w/ all my male bovine crap) - he's my best friend and my true love, as stupid & cliched as that sounds. we lived together for the last 2 years, but i recently moved back to NY, and he's still in CA ... we've done the long-distance thing before, but it's really really tough. especially since we were spoiled for such a long time and able to see each & every day.

anyway, he is very uncomfortable/ frustrated/ upset/disgusted/ angry with the idea that i might be trans. (im still not sure what the hell my issue is, to be honest). so when we see each other, i have to be a girl for him. he's ok with me wearing guys' clothes mostly (we even trade clothes sometimes), and he cuts my hair really short for me, even though he claims he likes it better longer.

however, last weekend we went on a trip to maui for his company, and he was adamant that i had to dress and act "normal" so as not to reflect badly on him. i dont think it's that he minds so much, but he's afraid that his superiors might react badly. so i had to shave my legs, wear an evening gown & lipstick & heels, forgo binding my chest, etc. etc. I just kinda decided to man up & deal with it, since it was only a few days. maybe i didn't feel as comfortable as i usually do, but it wasn't as though it were a traumatic experience. (this is why i have some doubt about my trans-ness, because i am willing to kinda compromise & be a girl when i have to be.) Or maybe I just figure it takes some serious testicles to be able to put on a dress without feeling it totally takes away from who or whatever I am?

the real issue was the time i spent w/ just the bf ... obviously, we havent seen each other in a few months, and we're both heathy adults, and there was a lot of sex. the problem - he is 100% straight and insists on having sex with me as a girl most of the time. i've brought it up a few times with him before, just as kind of a hypothetical, and he says he could not love me if i was a guy. he's just not wired that way. i dont blame him for this, and i can completely understand it ... if he was a female, i couldn't be sexually attracted to him either. it's just one of those things that is what it is.

so ... ok ... regular M/F intercourse has never great for me. as in, it is genuinely, physically painful. it *hurts*. sometimes a LOT. there's no medical or physical reason for it, according to every doctor i've seen ... they think it's a psychosomatic thing, aka, i'm bloody insane & just making it up. i am ok with the *idea* of sex, but the act itself is almost always uncomfortable and awkward and painful. the bf has a much higher sex drive than i do, so i know he gets frustrated with me

so last weekend, every time we had regular intercourse, i just started crying uncontrollably halfway through, and for like 15-20 minutes after. (managed to hide it from him until after, thankfully.) i have no idea why. it's not like it hurt enough to make me cry - i've gotten used to that part by now. i don't know if it was b/c of the stress & jetlag & stuff, or because i missed him so much and just felt overwhelmed, or becase i've been thinking so much about the trans thing that it just felt *wrong*, or what. (i didnt cry when we had sex the way men do it, for the record, but i also didn't cry the last time we slept together before i had to fly home.) needless to say, all the sobbing uncontrollably hardly makes me feel much like a man.

im just feeling like the worst partner in the world right now, and worried that i am some kind of freak or losing my mind. i guess i am just looking for some kind of insight or advice or reassurance or something ... am i completely abnormal? am i doing something really wrong? i'm really sorry for the long post & even for bringing this mess up, but i'm just feeling really bloody awful about it and dont know what i can do to make it not happen again. i dont want to destory my relationship because of my own selfish issues.

[Guest Tayler]

am i doing something really wrong?

I would say no to that, I have had the same issues with it comes to the f/m sex way. Then having a doctor say that it was all in my head didn't help. I was around your age where I tried my best to act as your guy friend says "Normal." Ignoring the pain in sex trying to dress like a girl... all the stupid stuff that people assumes makes a gender. Around 25 I just gave up that type of sex because of the fact that after nine years of having pain like that I didn't feel I needed sex that bad. I miss it but there are other ways to getting off then having to pretend it doesn't hurt or feel wrong when you do it.

This is hard for me to post because I don't think you need to hear someone saying anything about someone that you love. But his comment on you acting "Normal" Or the "He won't love you if you were a guy" Bothers me, because clearly you are in love with him, to the point of putting up with his "Normal" and " Only if you do this I'll still love you." I think he's being pretty harsh with you on that point. Have you told him how painful having sex is with you? I found out later that the longer you hide it the harder it is for some bio guys to get it when you finally mention it. They turn a blind eye to the fact that you're crying or wincing or making any pain sound. I can't be with someone and NOT know they are crying or showing pain.

I don't know I just think you should do what feels right for you. Forcing yourself to endure pain because supposedly sex is how we show we care about someone. I think sex is more an added bonus then a way to show yes I love this person. Maybe it's a small part of the girl in me. Or maybe it's because sex has hurt for me as well.

[Guest KellyGirl]

I'm no expert...I'm only 18 and have no relationships to speak of. I've had trans feelings for a shorter time then yourself too. but that being said I generaly like to think I have some good insight on peoples problems....

ultimately you can't put yourself thrugh hell for his sake. you love him, but it's just not worth it...I know the idea of losing him must be very painful, however if that's what happens...that's what happens. you need to explore your feelings realisticly...and it is unfair to expect him to change oreination...I'd say you ask him to cool it on the sex and just try to show him you love him... time will tell.

[Guest raydub]

I'm still unsure if I am trans or not. I've only really started thinking about gender issues & such in the last few years, and the idea that I might be trans only occurred within the last 6-8 months or so. I can't pass at all, despite my best efforts, but that's another problem entirely. lol.

its important that you give yourself time to figure out your gender concerns for yourself. its hard, but its something that you have to consider completely separate from your relationships with others - this includes everyone--family, friends, significant others.. EVERYONE that's NOT YOU.

am i completely abnormal?

you are NOT abnormal.

..am i doing something really wrong?

no one can tell you your doing something wrong outside of yourself. if you feel like you are doing something wrong then you probably are. but i encourage you to NOT let your concerns for your boyfriend's feelings determine whether you are doing something "wrong" or not. as much as it hurts to hear you two are DISTINCT and SEPARATE people and the ONLY person who can take care of you is YOU. do that. and everyone here will be here to help you do that.

i'm really sorry for the long post & even for bringing this mess up, but i'm just feeling really bloody awful about it and dont know what i can do to make it not happen again. i dont want to destory my relationship because of my own selfish issues.

never apologize for your feelings. they happen. and if someone cant handle that they happen then to h-ll with THEM. you feel how you feel and there is nothing wrong with it because eventually that feeling is going to change.

i understand first-hand how you feel like your "issues" are selfish. in a way they are - but like i said, NO ONE can take care of you like YOU. you are your keeper. you have to be willing to take care of yourself because no one else is required to do it. call it selfish if you must, but I call it living - surviving - taking care of yourself.

love yourself

Ray

[Guest Ryles_D]

i've brought it up a few times with him before, just as kind of a hypothetical, and he says he could not love me if i was a guy. he's just not wired that way. i dont blame him for this, and i can completely understand it ... if he was a female, i couldn't be sexually attracted to him either. it's just one of those things that is what it is.

This is where monoromatics confuse me. He loves you. He wants to be with you. You're still you, just turns out you're male. So did he fall in love with your body or something? I can understand no tbeing sexually attracted, but being unable to love someone?

If you are TS, there is no "if". You're a boy. He supposedly loves you, but will only love you if you lie about who you are? What kind of relationship is that?

[Guest Huff]

I can totally relate to the painful intercourse thing. It was like I really *wanted* to, but it would almost always be very painful and uncomfortable. At a certain point, I began to wonder what sex must be like for him... and after that it was virtually impossible for me. I decided I needed to let my boyfriend go in order to salvage our friendship when I began to really explore my trans-identity. It was painful as hell for both of us, but the friendship thing has actually worked out pretty well so far. He probably won't ever really see me as male, but he's mature enough to let me be me and not say too much about it. It's EXTREMELY difficult (and probably impossible) to have the freedom to explore who you are and please another person. This is not easy stuff, but at least you have an outlet here to talk about it all.

As for figuring out my sexuality now... geez, I'm so lost. I'm pretty sure I'm more attracted to women than men, and that I've mostly been repressing that tendency for a very long time. Or, I could actually be bi... but I can't really see myself in a gay relationship... I think I'm wired to be relationally heterosexual even if I have at least some attraction to both sexes. The part that confuses me still is how in the world am I actually going to convince a girl to date me and then how am I actually going to well... the pre-op mechanics of it all baffle me a little. It seems like the options are to have intercourse like lesbians or use a prosthetic. And lesbian-sex is for, well, lesbians - and that I'm not. And using a prosthetic sounds akward (wait! hang on a second I've just got to go get my strap-on...) and, well, less intimate to not actually be physically inside her myself. I suppose that when the time comes and I find myself in a relationship, I'll probably just get over it and go for it.

[Guest raydub]

It's EXTREMELY difficult (and probably impossible) to have the freedom to explore who you are and please another person. This is not easy stuff, but at least you have an outlet here to talk about it all.

Quoted for Truth! Very...very...sometimes excrutiatingly difficult. And not just in that it hurts you, but that you may be watching it hurt someone else too. ...and we have a kid...its all just very confusing sometimes. Nonetheless...if I cannot find a way to be happy with myself - then there will be no ME for them to have around. So sadly, I MUST come first... at least as far as my identity goes.

...using a prosthetic sounds akward (wait! hang on a second I've just got to go get my strap-on...) and, well, less intimate to not actually be physically inside her myself.

MK, let me just say...where there is a will, there is a way. It'll work itself out.

I know it has for me.

Ray

[Guest st.john]

It sounds like the best advice anyone is willing to offer is to end the relationship, so let me make this clear - it's not an option. I love him, and he loves me back, and that's all there is to it. There is not one single other person on the face of the planet that would put up with me, or that I would be able to trust as completely as I do him, so ending the relationship is not even something i am willing to consider. I want to know how to bloody FIX the problem, not just run away from it like a *****. Thanks for a ****load of nothing, guys. I really appreciate it. [sarcasm]

[Guest raydub]

The opinions in this thread seem (at least to me) to have your best interest in mind. I suppose you will have to excuse our concern for your well-being. The thing is, we ONLY have what youve written to us to go off of and that's where our opinions have come from. You are free to take/leave whatever we've said. I hate that you feel like we didnt help at all... we really only gave our opinions in an effort to help.

As for my opinion personally, I dont think I suggested you leave the relationship - I DO suggest however that you think about and figure out what is important to you. It has been my experience that over time what is important to us sometimes changes...when I was younger the relationship and pleasing someone else was more important. Now Ive come to realize that there is no relationship if I cant be the REAL me - and now I am more important. ...this is just MY experience however.

Good luck with the situation. I hope you are happy with whatever you decide.

-Ray

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Wow, your situation sounds a lot like my own...just at a different stage. I'm with a guy right now. He's fine with me wearing guy's clothes and acting masculine. However, sometimes he likes me to do "girly" stuff...like wear cute stuff and shave my legs (which I don't like doing and don't do often). I haven't told him that I think I am TS or anything. He knows I hate my breasts and that I am not comfortable with a lot of traditionally female things, but that's all he knows. We probably have a few very honest talks on the near horizon.

All that being said, we love each other. For me, I have never been attracted strongly to men or women. I am attracted to people...what's inside. The wrapper, so to speak, isn't important to me. If you've found someone that you really connect with, you shouldn't let that go. Four years ago, I let go of someone I loved deeply...my true soul mate (sorry for being sappy). I thought I was "doing the right thing" back then. Now she's with someone else and so am I. My heart aches even now, just thinking about it. Every time she talks about being with "him", I die a little inside If you have something good, don't let go.

Even though I am still in love with my ex-girlfriend, I am with a man now. We love each other very much and have a fairly honest relationship. He always says that there are three people in our relationship: Me, Him, and Us. The "Us" can't be healthy unless "Me" and "Him" are. Right now I am trying to work on the "Me" part, but that's another story altogether.

All this being said, the best solution for you is total and complete honesty with your boyfriend. You need to take care of yourself. Although it may feel noble to suffer through things to make him happy, it isn't a good strategy over the long run. At 30, I have at least a little experience with this. Over time, resentment can build up and you don't want that. It sounds like you have been totally honest with him up to this point. You should be totally honest with him about everything else. I'm sure he doesn't want you to be in pain. Also, you may find that the pain goes away once you are totally open. With me, pain is linked to being tense and not comfortable. I've never been comfortable being with guys...which makes it hard because I really love my boyfriend and want to be with him.

I know he says that he "isn't wired that way" and that he isn't attracted to you as a guy. Some of this might be true, but if he loves you for you then this might change over time. Humans have an amazing ability to adapt! Take it slow and be honest. It really is the best policy.