I Don't Have A Clue What I Am Anymore.

[Guest Janessa]

I really do not know whether I'm transgender or not anymore. My gender dysphoria almost seems like it went away, yet for some reason I feel as though I'd rather be transgender than a cisgender male and I think I even dislike the thought of me being a cisgender male. It is really confusing me, because I've had these feelings most of my life, wanting to be transgender makes no sense at all because of discrimination as well as gender dysphoria, and I do not understand how my feelings could fade away unless I was just lying to myself for like 8 years. =|

I still go by the name Janessa around anyone that knows me as that and it does not bother me even a slight bit to be referred to as a girl - in fact I'm not sure whether I still prefer it or not, but please refer to me as she just to avoid confusion. I do know, however, that it isn't really bothering me lately when people treat me like a boy nor is it bothering me when people treat me like a girl. Just in general I don't really feel like a woman anymore and this really does not make any sense to me since during puberty I literally wanted to be a woman so bad I prayed to the god I used to believe in every night asking them to make me into a woman, crying the next day and wanting to die when I woke up as a boy, and eventually deciding that so-called god I believed in doesn't exist.

I know people are going to tell me I need to see a gender therapist, but I doubt I'll be able to get even a normal therapist for a very long time since my insurance seems to only cover psychotic therapists that think I'm insane or something. =\ But I mean, has this happened to anyone else? I'd really like to know whether this is something a lot of transgender people go through or not, because this uncertainty is really stressful. >.<

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Janessa, Hon.....

Being Transgender has a lot of different effects on different people...

Some say that have known their entire lives that they were female..

Some turn 55 years old and suddenly realize that this is what they are...

Some times it's like a sine wave.....up it goes and the feelings get really strong, but at the bottom of the curve one might feel little need to transition or be the gender that they felt before...

Honey, I understand that you can't do a GT right now, but, that's what it will take to work this through...

It's complicated and it's not the same for everyone...

And, don't forget, other stresses in your life has an effect on your gender feelings, too...

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Janessa]

Some times it's like a sine wave.....up it goes and the feelings get really strong, but at the bottom of the curve one might feel little need to transition or be the gender that they felt before...

That sounds exactly like what happens to me, actually. I know this isn't the first time this has happened after thinking about it. I do have times when I feel 100% female and I want to transition more than anything, yet I am for some reason a lot happier and less stressed when I feel like this, even though I get upset when treated like a boy. Then I have other times(like right now) where I feel like I'm not a woman at all and maybe I really am just a cisgender boy, yet I feel oddly depressed and stressed by this feeling. =\

And thanks for the help by the way. I think all I really needed to know was that it is normal for transgender people to go through this and that it does not necessarily mean I'm a boy even if I have no problem being one at the moment. >.<

[Guest Evan_J]

I seem to remember ...way back and long ago......something or other on the intro pages of this site that said that what YOU are experiencing is actually whats most common. Yet transpeople never tell that to one another.......

[Guest ChloëC]

I may sound a little chauvanistic, so I apologize to anyone who may not agree. After being married twice to two different women and watching how they go through their cycles, I sometimes think that males may also also have cycles but not as much or as severe. (I also think that males also have a form of menopause, but since most males would never ever admit to something like that, it's mostly ignored)

Actually, my current spouse constantly surprises me by not at all paying attention to the time of the month and I have had to learn to watch for those -days- and be a little more careful. But sometimes I have -days- too, that I don't always see coming.

What I'm getting at, Janessa, is that I have had the desire to dress, act, behave as a female for most of my life, but...it comes and goes. And I wish I had (and I should still, too) take the time to chart it out. I might be surprised by finding some kind of cyclical nature to it.

Also, as life has gone on, in order to get by, I've learned to, oh, I don't know, suppress, or ignore, or just live with my desires. And, yet, there are times...I just wish I was all the way.

I mean, for example, eight weeks of military basic training living with 49 other guys in cots in open bay dorms. You sort of have to suppress any inner feelings. And then, as with most learned habits, you just keep doing it.

I can't speak for your life, but don't be surprised if your feelings come back with a vengeance, and at other times, you look at yourself and think, 'what was I thinking!?!'

At least you understand some of the problems you (and all of us) face and can deal with them in some way, like accepting that some people will see you as one gender and others as the other. Hopefully you'll be able to get into see a decent therapist eventually, and have a chance to explore your feelings. And hopefully you can hang in there until that great day.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest kelise]

I'm not sure if this is the same thing you're going through, but I remember having a few short episodes where I didn't feel much like transitioning.

When I was 20, I moved from Michigan to Vegas, on my own, with the intention of starting life over as a girl. When I got there, I found I couldn't pass enough to get a job, and had to give up. Maybe is was my reaction to my failure, maybe it was the lifestyle out in the desert, but afterword, up until I ran out of money and had to return home, I actually felt really good about being a guy. I even thought about trading my car for a motorcycle and living as a drifter; with my dusty brown suede leather jacket and faded jeans, Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" in my head.

It didn't last. Soon I realized that character wasn't me, just someone that was fun to PLAY for awhile. The cravings to wear make-up and cute clothes returned, and the process began anew.

[Guest Janessa]

Not sure why they never talk to each other about it. Feels a lot better knowing I'm not the only person that has felt this way and that it doesn't necessarily mean I'm a cisgender boy either... XD

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Janessa

I was just wondering if perhaps something is bothering you, I know that many people start thinking about forming a family and having children. Some have these feelings earlier than others and may have an effect with the way you think. I know that when I was your age that I had a strong instinct to have children that pushed me to try to be that father figure. Although this feeling was strong, unfortunately it wasn't strong enough to eliminate the feelings of being a woman especially when I found myself in a relationship. But the thing is it kept me trying for a long time and then of coarse I ended up burying myself in work because of the confusion.

Perhaps you could take some time and think long and hard about this, I know that if I could have stayed in a relationship long enough to have kids I wouldn't have regreted it.

LUV

Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Janessa hon

Everything is OK You are stuggling with the balance that we all experience. There will be times when one feels... well OK I can be my biological gender... it's all good. Then there are times when you are crawling out of your skin because you realize that something is very wrong.

The intensity of gender dysphoric will wax and wane as you live your life. This is completely natural. If you are going through a waning period... that is all alright

I too have gone through periods where my transsexuality is unstoppable, and periods when I am not overly concerned with my gender dysphoria and can do "guy" things.

There is no one way to be transgendered. Everyone must realize that. It is important to see that you are really OK, and just be yourself.

You have nothing to prove

Love

Brenda