Stuff On My Mind

[Guest N.Chaos]

Well, simply put...I confuse the hell outta myself.

I've known for my whole life that I hate being female, I feel like I SHOULD be male and I AM male. Everytime I have to check "F" on legal papers, I feel like I'm lying, I feel sick to my stomach. And at the same time, I still like wearing eyeliner, I still love my hair, I still paint my nails. Why? Because I like it, dammit. I feel like I'm out of place with everyone else, because it seems like for other people it's so clear cut...either you're masculine or feminine, end of story. I know I'm not the only person in the world (and probably not on this forum) but it Gosh darned well feels like it sometimes. And it bugs me, it bugs me a lot.

I keep thinking lately about someone I used to know, someone that made me both ecstatic and as miserable as I've ever been, and that's messing with me too. In one fell swoop, this guy obliterated everything I thought I knew about myself. My whole life, I felt like a straight guy trapped in a female body that could appreciate an attractive guy but was strictly into girls...reading that now, I feel like I was always in denial. Maybe that's part of the problem, no one likes being proven wrong, myself included...but the things I lost when I cut him out, man...I lost my band, I lost the one outlet that never failed me. I go down for practice now, and it's like watching someone I love die. I can still smell his having intercourse cologne down there, I sit on my amp and just stare at his drumsticks and wonder why it had to play out the way it did...I'm getting way off topic. I'm sorry guys, I've just had a really rough month and...I need to vent.

Back to relevance, at least, I've been having odd conversations with my girlfriend about my whole gender issues and I really just don't know at this point...the girl's stayed with me through so much crap, she put up with me cheating on her twice, she's helped me out of alcoholism and almost becoming a pill addict and I feel like I've put her through enough hell to fill a few lifetimes...and yet she's still here, talking to me so honestly, so openly about a thing so many partners would sneer at. This girl, who's always thought herself to be a lesbian, thinks of me as a guy. She calls me Nick (which makes me happy every time she does, stupid as it is) and has referred to me as her boyfriend online, she'd do it here too if possible probably...and she's admitted to me that she doesn't know if she could deal with me transititioning, but it breaks my heart when she gets guilty about it. She's came out and said she'd still love me, she'd still be here, she just goes back and forth over whether it's be too weird since she's known me for 6 years as technically female, and if she could still have sex with me...Bah, I don't know.

The other thing bothering me is my family...or at least, thinking about what this would all do to them. Talking to my mom last weekend I finally came outright and said "I've never felt female, I hate this body and if I could change things I'd do it in a heartbeat". She didn't say anything, just listened to me and...didn't really give any response. My mom's beyond understanding, I've told her things no parent needs to hear and she's always been with me, always been behind me...I just worry it would hurt her, would hurt my aunts, would get me cut off entirely from my father's side which already hates me. My dad already gets crap from everyone else on his side because I'm "not normal" which is just...beyond stupid. The worst part is that we've recently found my dad's biological sister and her and I are starting to get close, and...I want her to meet the REAL me. Around my dad's side of the family, I feel like I've never been Nick S. I've always been "Ron's Daughter". He won't even call me by ANY nickname. Always Nicole. HAS to be and it makes me want to vomit everytime I hear it...I just feel like Theresa (my newly found aunt) is a chance to really introduce MYSELF. And I'm scared that if I take it, I might make an irreversible mistake, and if I don't...I don't know what. I'll hate myself even more? I'll deal with it? I don't know. I don't know much anything right now, besides the fact I can't quit smoking, every dollar I get I'm looking at for liquor money, and I haven't gotten to sleep before 6 AM in months.

[Guest Donna Jean]

"...I just feel like Theresa (my newly found aunt) is a chance to really introduce MYSELF"

Hey, Hon.....

Tell me about this aunt and why she's the one to talk to.....ok?

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

One thing for sure, Nick, is that your GF is one heck of a fantastic young lady, to stay with you through some really rocky stuff.

Please treat her well and take care of her, because she deserves it.

It's hard being confused and scared. I know, I've been there, and I gotten through it with help from my friends and my G.T. No one

in their right mind wants to hurt those they love, but sometimes its a necessary risk. It depends on the reward at the other end;

if you truly feel its worth the hurt and pain and anxiety, then you're going to do it. Only you can decide that. I can't tell you,

a therapist can;t tell you, even your GF can't tell you.

Take your time with this, Nick. You'll get it figured out, and when you're ready, you'll know what to do. I have a feeling your GF will

be right there with you.

Good luck.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest N.Chaos]

@ DonnaJean, it's weird because we're different in a lot of ways, but at the same time we've had so many of the same problems. We've both had a lot of trouble with depression and suicide, with nearly nonexistant self-esteem, abuse due to religion and since the first time she came up to meet us, I felt such a huge connection with her (which has happened two other times ever in my life, with my girlfriend and my best friend). I don't know her opinions on this specifically, but we've talked about so many things that I was shocked to hear her support on already, I keep thinking maybe she could be my second step (first being telling my girlfriend, and Ben).

@Carolyn, she really is, I'd quite literally be dead without her. I owe that girl everything.

It never ceases to amaze me how much it helps just to hear this from other people like me, seriously. It's amazing...when I get my life together and have money/insurance, I'm definitely going to find a gender therapist in my area. I'm also going to get a breast reduction as soon as I can, so I can at least bind and then I feel like that alone would help a lot.

Thanks guys, seriously.

[Guest EvenClose]

I got to say, I feel you!. lol Im kinda at that point atm too. Just trying to feel ok enough to be able to think clearly to get this all worked out. I hope u get a GT sooner than later.

Im the same way, its just so hard to describe it to someone who has never had to question their gender. Its like what do you say. They ask questions and u know they are trying to comprehend it, but at the same time it seems like its not the correct question to ask. Then comes the part where they try to rationalize it and you get all like, "your missing the point". I try to think about how it must be to be them, then try to relate my answers in a way that they may have a better chance of understanding.

Hope that helps a little. Just try and remember that its something that not many have had to "think" about in their life and maybe that will help getting it across to anyone u may have to deal with. I know my gf still thinks of me as a guy even though ive came right out and said im not one. So visual perception and past experience has to play a role in others thoughts a lot. But on a good note FUTURE visual perception and FUTURE experience will mean a lot to them also. So try and stay strong and I think we really are in a great place for understanding.

till next time

EvenClose