6 Months

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

On the 8th of February this year, I posted here that I'd just taken my first pill of estradiol. Now 6 months on what can I say?

... no seriously, what can I say? I've waited all day to post this hoping I'd think of something profound, but I'm still kinda stumped.

Do I have any regrets? No.

Has it been easy? Not really, there have been difficulties and challenges along the road up to this point so far, but in myself I am now so much better able to deal with them, I have more confidence in myself and feel more able to get up in the morning and live my life then I ever have done before. Less than a year ago, just the thought of having to wake up again in the morning was torture. Now I often go to bed looking forward to things the next day.

It hasn't been a cakewalk and I still have more problems than you can shake a stick at, but for the first time in my life I feel like being well, having a normal, happy life, a career, maybe even a family one day in the future, is all within my grasp, I feel like I have what I need to get what I want now, all it takes is time and patience and determination.

Physical changes? Yeah I'm getting there, the other day I rolled over onto my side in bed and kinda trapped my breast against the mattress and squished it, which hurt. made me realised that they're hit a size now where they don't just stay neatly on the front of my chest any more, regardless of which way I'm pointing. Now if I walk to the post box at the end of the street without a bra on, then I bounce, if I try to jog while I'm wearing a strapless bra, I now don't get the support I need.

I will upload some photos eventually, as soon as I can take a good one, I'm pretty happy with how my body is coming, but still my facial hair isn't clear. I still have 2 small but easily visible dark patches of either side of my chin. foundation helps, but you can still see the grey.

Girls laser takes like a year! and if you have to do electro that takes waaaay longer. For those of you who haven't started HRT yet, or haven't begun to transition, get started on hair removal, it is _THE_ most frustrating thing.

Emotional changes? Actually not much, other than that I am generally happier, I still put that partly down to something chemical and I guess the rest is just I dunno, realisation? being free? I'm not sure. As cliché as it sounds, I feel like I'm more in touch with my emotions, I don't cry more than I used to, I haven't noticed any major drop in aggression, but I do feel like I have a better idea now of what causes me to feel a certain way. Rather than just feeling sad and not understanding why, I will now say "Oh, that, upset me" and in being able to identify it like that it's easier to deal with and move on.

Did you crash after the honeymoon was over? I felt like the honeymoon period ended probably about a month ago. I had kinda just jumped head first into transition and embraced my new self, and just let my old self die. About a month ago, some thoughts, feeling, issues, problems, desires from my old life, started to surface and it was difficult, it triggered me back into periods of depression and some of the things he fantasised about are... well it's complicated, but a lot of it is tied in my mind to an image of myself as masculine, (or at least as much as I was). I know that I am androgyne-y, I'm not deluding myself into thinking that I'm 100% female, and I want to keep certain aspects of my male self, but the challenge, and still the ongoing challenge, is how to separate and keep what I want of my old self, without getting dragged back into my old thought patterns, the negative cycles, the self loathing, that's all too familiar.

So it's been tough but I've been facing up to it, I'm trying to develop myself as a person, and I'm trying to resolve my past, I'm working with a psychologist, and I'm making headway, I am actually managing to deal with my problems and am preparing myself for re-entering the real world full time, so that hopefully I won't have a breakdown.

So I think the moral of the story is that transition won't solve all of your problems, but it will help solve 1 big problem, and until you've started, it's impossible to see just what other knock on effects that problem has on everything else. One of my challenges has been to try and figure out, exactly what things are better now and what issues still need to be dealt with. I think the carrying a heavy weight analogy is a good one, I used to be so weighed down with problems that I felt crushed, unable to move or do anything to help myself. Now I've lost some of that weight, I can deal with what's left one thing at a time.

Did you do the right thing?

I'm not always certain, at every minute of every day, sometimes I feel tired, and it feels like a lot of work. Sometimes I just feel a little more masculine and I wonder. And sometimes, it all just seems crazy, like a disbelief that life can really be this complicated and surely it's all just in my head.

But I don't hate myself any more, and I am, most of the time, happy. (I'd say I've gone from being happy, maybe 2% of the time and sad or depressed the rest of the time. To being happy about 75% of the time and otherwise content and not specifically sad about 23% of the time and sad the other 2%.) And even if I can't always figure it all out, or be certain, I just trust in that.

In 6 months I haven't ever skipped a dose or delayed one due to uncertainty. So I don't think I've ever had serious doubts.

well I guess I did have stuff to say, I now need to go take my pills, which I'm late for cos I've been typing this for like 2 hours.

[Guest Donna Jean]

well I guess I did have stuff to say, I now need to go take my pills, which I'm late for cos I've been typing this for like 2 hours.

No doubt!...LOL

Honey...what a truly wonderful post!

It's so good to hear all of this from you.

Personally I'd have to say that in many ways you're a changed person over when you first came on Laura's...

I'm proud of how you've taken it all by the horns and made it work for you...

You've come a long way, Baby....

Higgs

Donna Jean

[Guest Oasis]

Reading posts like this really fill me with hope. The more I see these, the more I see that I might actually be able to face the challenges ahead of me. It helps bring a reality to the situation instead of uninformed speculation.

[Guest Opal]

Thank you for spending your time to make your observations. It really helps to read about what others experience as well as not experience in the process.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest sarah f]

Sam now that is an update and you thought you didn't have anything to say.

I am happy to read that you are in a better place mentally. I hope things continue to get better for you.

I miss seeing your posts on here. Don't be such a stranger and try to post more. I can't wait for your next update.

[Carolyn Marie]

It's great to hear from you, Sam. I'm happy that things are going pretty well in your life.

Your post is really great for one important reason: it paints a realistic picture of transition.

No happy talk, no "once I took the pill everything was perfect" sentiments. Just a realistic assessment of where you are and where you're going, and the struggles involved in getting there.

Its important for folks to read posts like yours and understand that, like you pointed out, "transition won't solve all of your problems, but it will help solve 1 big problem..."

Thanks, Sam, and keep in touch, won't you please?

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

GRAND update. I have 20 months today (not a bragging thing - just what is). I wish I could put things in perspective like you just did! All I can say to mirror what you said, is:

Absolutely, positively NO REGRETS.

To you new people out there - HRT does a body good!

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Kieri]

Cheers! I'm almost 5 months into HRT myself and I could have written most of your post. I consider my personality somewhat androgyne as well, but definitely female leaning. Some of my doubts come from a few of the residual male personality traits I have that I doubt will ever go away, but sometimes I think that comes from being a software engineer.

I think if there's one thing I like about HRT more than any other, it's the fact that I now have dreams and goals. Before, I was completely indifferent about my own life. Now, it's like a fog has lifted and I can see what I want to do. That, more than anything else, has convinced me I'm moving in the right direction. The bodily changes are just the cherry on top of a tasty transition sundae