Another Revelation-Now What?

[JJ]

The sudden epiphany that I was trans brought so much balance and peace into my life. With the guidance of special people here I came to accept and even began to value myself. Yet lately I have been feeling deeply conflicted as well having to fight depression again,

I didn't know why, but knew it had to do with any thought of transition. I knew that I felt better dressed male-a sense of relief-and yet this almost always brings a panicky feeling if I go out in public feeling like a male. But I didn't know why. I started watching men my age-seeing how I could identify with them. But didn't find answers-just more fear.

And then again I woke in the early hours of the morning and knew what it is. In my life every male who has been close to me has been violent to me at some point, all but one have been emotionally abusive as well. I have been molested and victimized by men all my life. And I am deeply afraid of men. I resented it more because I always knew on some level I was also male-but they were bigger, stronger and in charge. They always had all the advantages in the system and used them with unconscious arrogance.

I have said and I do believe that there are good, gentle, noble men. Men who aren't like the men who have been in my life. But they aren't the men I see every day. The men I've known

The truth is I am afraid of men. Yet I know I am a man. If I transition then I enter a world that I find terrifying. It feels as though T might make me more like them-I could become the enemy.

Not logical. But powerful. So now I have to decide where and how to go from here. I have to resolve this conflict between my fears and my identity.

It would of course be best to work this through with a therapist-but that is utterly impossible right now- I have worked through many other traumas and conflicts in my life. I know I'll get through this one with the love and support from all of those here.

I love you all

JJ

[Guest Evan_J]

If I knew some magic paragraph to tell you......

All I know is a) you are none of those people

& b ) it wasn't their form that acted evilly to you; in truth a hand , chest none of these parts have power. It that

the individual welding them chose to do something not human. What ever sex a person is

the ability to do those things is still there. Breasts and a vagina do not make ANYONE "good" or unable to harm.

Don't trick yourself into thinking that. Honestly its that women don't get caught in the same ways

that a man will. Shells don't do things to folk, its whats in them.

[Guest Alice4016]

wow...really really heavy

I can't say I know how you feel; I can not really relate to "being male" as it was never my "real" experience but I know where you are coming from regarding fear of them (I have, since transitioning had some "bad" exp with the opposite gender). It's tough to get over, very hard; you are entering this with a different perspective and although Testosterone may change some of your behaviors a lot of those negative behaviors are learned. All the men who have hurt me (only two but still) have learned this from their fathers...the other men I have had to deal with (closely) have been what you imagined gentle, nice, kind etc. It's all a product of environment it appears, but who am I to talk I'm no psychologist (I can bug my partner for that one though if you need it haha).

What you are saying is honestly one of the most..well..honest things I have ever read...legit . I am proud of you for being this open with yourself because it takes quite a person to be able to verbalize fears like these. Remember testosterone/estrogen/whatever you take does not make you who you are...it changes you, yes, but it does not dictate who you are unless you allow it to..hope this makes a bit of sense and helps...

keep thinking and pondering and reflecting, your heart will tell you what is right and what is wrong; trust it...

[Guest Donna Jean]

Not logical. But powerful. So now I have to decide where and how to go from here. I have to resolve this conflict between my fears and my identity.

I love you all

JJ

JJ, Hon...That is an awkward place to be in, I'll bet.

And I really don't know what to say about it.

But, I want you to know that I'm listening and if I can help in any way....I'm here.

And if you need time and space to think...I'll keep quiet....OK?

LOVE

Donna Jean

[JJ]

Thank you Evan and Alice and Donna Jean

it helps to have your opinions-to hear what you have to say.

It helps to drag it into the light and day what is really wrong and then get the light of reality from each idea and opinion. Those things we hold inside tend to become twisted and more powerful from being in the dark.

I had never admitted this fear to myself-I hate being afraif of anything. If I had not discovered I was trans it would never have come out.

So yes, please-say whatever you have to say. It helps me put it in perspective and begin to process what I want to do how I can become what i want to be.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Well then, JJ......

The world is full of good, loving, honest men....

It's the bad ones that make the papers and and darken our memories...

Remember...it's the soul, not the container!

LOVE

Dee Jay

[JJ]

Thank you Evan-Your opinion always helps-and helps me see that the men I see as bad were all part of my family system in some way or chosen because of that background. Now I just have to convince my heart what my mind believes.

And thank you as well Alice. What you say helps. It is what i need to hear about other's experiences with men as well as opinions and ideas.

Dee jay-talk away. Your voice helps keep me on track.

It isn't that I have been thrown back into the darkness I have known before-or that this conflict has robbed me of the progress I have made. It's just a discovery of what has been wrong-why I want to make changes in my life but feel so much resistance in myself. It's actually a good thing that i have recognized the problem-now I can and will deal with it.

There must be others with this same conflict. Men who have been victimized by men as they struggled to live as women because they thought it was the only way.

Perhaps some of it happened because I didn't fit the female norms and the people in charge felt compelled to make me. Because I felt compelled to resist and therefore resented every male privilege used against me.

Seeing that already this morning is progress too. it is instinctive for our parents-and even spouses if we have been unwise-to try to force us into their mold of what a woman is and should be. Part of my fear is probably because there was no way I could fit so I got hurt.

I so appreciate the ability to work this out here-with your help!

JJ

[Guest Opal]

I have been afraid of many males as well. School yard bullies, Junior High predators, High School jocks, people at Bars.

" Oh, thats just two boys fighting. Just let them be " as I am getting my clock cleaned.

As I see it, crying is a human emotion, not a female emotion. Suppressing emotions like crying in males, but yet tolerating anger, even encouraging anger, will usually result in violence at some point.

Growing up, one of the big events on television was professional boxing. Guess it was not as good of a match if one of the fighters won on points, the crowd wanted to see someone knocked out cold.

Look at Football. Rare is the game that someone isn't helped off of the field with an injury. Now there is this cage fighting. At what point does it stop being competition and starts being violence?

I do not believe 'T' is necessarily responsible for this. Environment and upbringing has a lot to do with it.

Hugs,

Opal

[Guest Micha]

Bittersweet this revelation of yours. On one hand, I'm glad a piece of your puzzel has fallen into place, on the other I'm very sad for the experiences that made it fit. Evan is absolutely right, the whole can not be condemned for the acts of individuals. However that knowledge doesn't change the emotional consequences of experience. I hope all the best for you in overcoming this, and I know you well enough to say with confidence, you are a noble man, not the monster you fear. The compassion you have shown me alone is more then sufficient to prove that.

Dee Jay's right too. It's always the worst of humanity that is remembered longest, while the best is left unnoticed in the darkness. I grew up hating men in general, for every abuse, every transgression, every victim made to suffer. But I knew good men too, and if I'd have had a more flexible mind, I would have found something in men to love.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

We have talked on this in great lengths and you know how I feel - it's the male 'pack animal' that I dislike. It is the 'selfish male' I dislike. It is the 'bulletproof' male I dislike.

I playacted for 61 years. Even then there were certain 'male' behavors I refused to adopt, even though it marked me as a shunned 'betrayer' of sorts, by my assigned gender.

And like all say- yourself included, there are good people who also happen to be male. And as Evan said, bad people out there who happen to be in a female body.

So to suddenly discover you are really a man - and that you really don't like men? OMG - JJ - so complicated! How about you simplify all that? Try thinking this way - you happen to be a decent sort of human being - I mean you really are. You also happen to have the mindset,the real self-identification as a male, always have been that way. So you ended up female-bodied - a real bummer (cut us some slack people! JJ and I are the same age).

So

Be what you are - a man - female bodied perhaps, androgynous perhaps - or better yet "whatever" - let people see what they want.

But you are a good man.

You always have been - always will be a man - end of story. I like that way of thinking.

Does that help at all?

Lizzette the Lithesome and the Longwinded.

[Guest therisa]

The sudden epiphany that I was trans brought so much balance and peace into my life. With the guidance of special people here I came to accept and even began to value myself. Yet lately I have been feeling deeply conflicted as well having to fight depression again,

I didn't know why, but knew it had to do with any thought of transition. I knew that I felt better dressed male-a sense of relief-and yet this almost always brings a panicky feeling if I go out in public feeling like a male. But I didn't know why. I started watching men my age-seeing how I could identify with them. But didn't find answers-just more fear.

And then again I woke in the early hours of the morning and knew what it is. In my life every male who has been close to me has been violent to me at some point, all but one have been emotionally abusive as well. I have been molested and victimized by men all my life. And I am deeply afraid of men. I resented it more because I always knew on some level I was also male-but they were bigger, stronger and in charge. They always had all the advantages in the system and used them with unconscious arrogance.

I have said and I do believe that there are good, gentle, noble men. Men who aren't like the men who have been in my life. But they aren't the men I see every day. The men I've known

The truth is I am afraid of men. Yet I know I am a man. If I transition then I enter a world that I find terrifying. It feels as though T might make me more like them-I could become the enemy.

Not logical. But powerful. So now I have to decide where and how to go from here. I have to resolve this conflict between my fears and my identity.

It would of course be best to work this through with a therapist-but that is utterly impossible right now- I have worked through many other traumas and conflicts in my life. I know I'll get through this one with the love and support from all of those here.

I love you all

JJ

JJ, the one thing, I know all, too, brutality knows, no gender boundary. Having gotten it from both sides, growing up. Even now, it takes a huge effort to anyone their names, when I meet them for the first. Always ready, to bolt, if I feel like I am in trouble, whether physically or just getting a bad vibe from them. I know, two of my greatest supporters, were male, my dad and a teacher, from when I was in high school. You have the inner strengh of 10 people.

Therisa

[Guest Cowboy]

Like others have said, and i cant agree more with this, Its whats on the inside that counts.

The container may "sell" the product, but then again labels can be misleading.

Sometimes you get something completely unexpected, not what you know or are familar with.

Like DJ said, its only the bad ones that make the news and unwanted memories.

But just because those are the only type of guys you know doesnt mean you will be them.

Thats them bro. You're you.

I can relate to what youre sayin here because my dad and stepdad were both abusive towards my mom.

My dad used to be verbally abusive towards me at times, but he never really laid a hand on me.

My stepdad is verbally abusive to both my mom and I. He used to be very physically abusive towards her, but not now (or at least that i know about.)

both so much that I am afraid of them. I literally want to run away when i here the slight bit of aggravation in their voices.

But does that mean i have or will turn out like them? No.

I have the choice to use them as examples of how not to be a man. And i have made that choice.

I dont wanna be like that and i dont have to be.

And neither do u man. You have the same choice.

If you dont wanna be like the guys you know, use them as examples of what not to be, and be better than them.

If you got the will power to do it, and got the examples to learn from, you'll be better than what they are.

And honestly, I dont think you got to worry about bein like them, cuz i just dont see u as that type of dude.

I really dont think its in ya.

Cowboy

[JJ]

Bittersweet this revelation of yours. On one hand, I'm glad a piece of your puzzel has fallen into place, on the other I'm very sad for the experiences that made it fit. Evan is absolutely right, the whole can not be condemned for the acts of individuals. However that knowledge doesn't change the emotional consequences of experience. I hope all the best for you in overcoming this, and I know you well enough to say with confidence, you are a noble man, not the monster you fear. The compassion you have shown me alone is more then sufficient to prove that.

Dee Jay's right too. It's always the worst of humanity that is remembered longest, while the best is left unnoticed in the darkness. I grew up hating men in general, for every abuse, every transgression, every victim made to suffer. But I knew good men too, and if I'd have had a more flexible mind, I would have found something in men to love.

Thank you Micha-that really helps. More than I can explain. I think I did notice the "bad apples" instead of the good. and the only real love I knew as a child came from a woman which reinforced my feeling because her husband was harsh to her and made her cry, although he was only curt and rude to me.

And like all say- yourself included, there are good people who also happen to be male. And as Evan said, bad people out there who happen to be in a female body.

So to suddenly discover you are really a man - and that you really don't like men? OMG - JJ - so complicated! How about you simplify all that? Try thinking this way - you happen to be a decent sort of human being - I mean you really are. You also happen to have the mindset,the real self-identification as a male, always have been that way. So you ended up female-bodied - a real bummer (cut us some slack people! JJ and I are the same age).

So

Be what you are - a man - female bodied perhaps, androgynous perhaps - or better yet "whatever" - let people see what they want.

But you are a good man.

You always have been - always will be a man - end of story. I like that way of thinking.

Does that help at all?

Lizzette the Lithesome and the Longwinded.

Sweet Lizzy-It is a reverse for you to be defending men and me denigrating them! I take your words to heart and will try to not only know them but to integrate them into my being. Thank you!

JJ, the one thing, I know all, too, brutality knows, no gender boundary. Having gotten it from both sides, growing up. Even now, it takes a huge effort to anyone their names, when I meet them for the first. Always ready, to bolt, if I feel like I am in trouble, whether physically or just getting a bad vibe from them. I know, two of my greatest supporters, were male, my dad and a teacher, from when I was in high school. You have the inner strengh of 10 people.

Therisa

Thank you Therisa-You av s muc strength as I do! I've just been slaying my demons for a whole lot longer so they are fewer in number now.

Like others have said, and i cant agree more with this, Its whats on the inside that counts.

The container may "sell" the product, but then again labels can be misleading.

Sometimes you get something completely unexpected, not what you know or are familar with.

Like DJ said, its only the bad ones that make the news and unwanted memories.

But just because those are the only type of guys you know doesnt mean you will be them.

Thats them bro. You're you.

I can relate to what youre sayin here because my dad and stepdad were both abusive towards my mom.

My dad used to be verbally abusive towards me at times, but he never really laid a hand on me.

My stepdad is verbally abusive to both my mom and I. He used to be very physically abusive towards her, but not now (or at least that i know about.)

both so much that I am afraid of them. I literally want to run away when i here the slight bit of aggravation in their voices.

But does that mean i have or will turn out like them? No.

I have the choice to use them as examples of how not to be a man. And i have made that choice.

I dont wanna be like that and i dont have to be.

And neither do u man. You have the same choice.

If you dont wanna be like the guys you know, use them as examples of what not to be, and be better than them.

If you got the will power to do it, and got the examples to learn from, you'll be better than what they are.

And honestly, I dont think you got to worry about bein like them, cuz i just dont see u as that type of dude.

I really dont think its in ya.

Cowboy

And thank you as well Colton -for your kind words and for being a sinning example even at a young age-of what every man should be. It'll be a lucky woman indeed wo gets you!!

Opal-somehow your quote didn't come up but I appreciate your sharing too. You know it's my upbringing I fear-but I did have a gentle loving great-grandfaterI loved and will try to keep him more in my heart from now on