What Do Men Want From Relationships?

[Flint]

The first thought that comes to mind to most women and possibly some men is "What do men want from a relationship? Sex!" Well is that true really? Being a man myself (yea some people may argue that I'm not but meh whatever) I can say honestly no it's not all men want from a relationship. Unless I'm just not as manly as some men?

For me as a man in a relationship I want someone to care about me, actually love me and be affectionate to me. Cuddle me, hold me and kiss me. Yes I too would care for them, love them and be affectionate, cuddle them and hold them and all that. But what I see in this world is people believing men don't want/need this stuff so it always comes across one sided to me that it's all about the man taking care of the woman. The man holds the woman, cuddles the woman. Why do I never hear about a woman actually caring for her boyfriend? I mean I realise it's partly because most men do not talk about this stuff. I wouldn't usually be one to sit around talking about this stuff, write it in my lyrics and such things but wouldn't actually be talking about it, especially not to other men! But after sitting here endlessly dreaming about my perfect ideal romance...It got me interested to know other mens points of views on this? What do YOU want from a relationship? Is it really that men have to constantly keep strong and look after the women? Or do/can women also look after men?

Being a man I'm starting to slowly realise that men are very much alone in this world, even when attached. This loneliness I feel is starting to haunt me on whole new levels of pain and sorrow. Honestly I do feel like a man, always have. I feel male. I believe I think for the most part in a male way. If there is such a thing as thinking in a male way. But one thing that gets me is that...I don't think I can do this alone. I mean...I'm not saying I'm wondering around looking for someone as such. It's just that I'm looking around wondering if I can ever have the kind of love I think I need. Or if as a man I'm expecting too much? It seems to me men should expect nothing in return, no affection. And honestly it makes me feel kind of like less of a man when I look around and feel like well I want to be cared for too! I want someone to kiss my forehead! Just like I want to care for the woman and all of that, I want love too. I don't just want sex. Is that too much to ask for if you're a man? Cause I'm kinda getting the feeling it is....

[Guest Maria (Hilda)]

Having the inside knowledge on the workings of teenage males and how they view romance, I can tell you in full honesty.

All men feel like this.

Hell, almost every human feels like this.

Everyone has a higher survival rate if they're shown affection, as Babies and kids, you want it from your Parents and friends, as you get older you get more romantically involved. My Male friends have always told me about their dream women, boobs, butt, and legs where the last things they said. First came Affectionate, actually caring for them, and second came wanting to take part in their lives. They wanted their girlfriends and wives and future partners to be interested in what they do, take part in it with them. They wanted that kiss on the forehead like you do.

How you feel is commonplace. You are no less Manly for needing love, it doesn't make you girly, it makes you human.

I think I went in circles there, I at least hope they're round circles!

Love, Maria.

[Guest ceejay]

I believe I want the same thing too,and nothing is wrong at all with wanting to be loved, shown this in a tender and affectionate way, its what a relationship is really about, two people loving each other unselfishly,where the act is all about giving and in the giving there is receiving. Yes it makes me feel good when i know that she can feel secure in my arms; there is something about that, there are things i know i want to be for her and that could be cultural/traditonal but where the relationship itself goes i believe both persons will want the same, to be shown, to feel a deep sense that they are loved by the other.

[Guest ceejay]

And i also think and this is where the bio man miss out, that society the unwritten 'what a man should be', trains a man to focus on only the sex part, where he himself don't even realise that he is searching looking for someone to show him he is loved, instead sex and sexual partners becomes just a trophy, because he is taught this is what makes a man, now not all but generally.

[Guest chngnwnd]

Where are the guys not just interested in sex all hiding? I am not having much luck finding one...

Should I get a dowsing rod or hire a tracker?

Bobbi

[JJ]

Not realizing I was trans I hung out with bio women for 63 years-listened to their talk about their boyfriends, husbands and lovers. I heard their hopes, dreams and needs. You know what they want? Affection!! They want a man who can share their lives, bring a little gift unexpectedly and help with the stuff around the house. In spite of all the hype from music and movies it is not sex for most of them-or being taken care of. Did anyone see the news article that according to research most women would rather give up sex than gain 10 lbs?

But they are taught that sex is a man's primary goal. That men don't want sharing and affection. Or romance. Women are sold the idea that romance is for women but they can teach some men to be romantic with effort.

Most women today don't want to be taken care of-that is fundamentally demeaning. They want to be equals in an equal relationship sharing a life.

They've been taught by those chick lit. books and all those songs and movies that men don't want that-they want a servant and a bedmate.

So you are coming into relationships with fundamental misunderstandings of what each wants, And you try very hard to make them happy doing those things. With the result that no one is happy all too often, unless there is a strong sexual bond to hold the couple together-and that wears thin eventually.

And as far as wanting sex being manly-that's not any woman's definition of manly I know-just being a man. In a negative sense. And there is a difference.

So communicate. Talk about what you REALLY like. and what your partner REALLY likes and wants-you'll be surprised. It's just that actually talking about it can be hard and a little awkward at first

JJ

[Remus]

I think one of the problems is that we've had millennia to have the misconception of men being tough and women lying back and thinking of England/Rome/Sumeria entrenched in society, and so, whatever people feel individually, we're used to being told otherwise and acting thusly. Just imho, anyhoo.

As for the relationships themselves, I'm coming at this from a gay perspective, so I don't know if there is necessarily the same misconception of one protecting the other all the time as there seems to be in hetero relationships (stereotypical machotop-wimpybottom silliness aside, that is), so I don't know if there's that same "oh, you like hugs too?" dynamic sort of thing...um, yeah...

But either way,

I want someone to care about me, actually love me and be affectionate to me. Cuddle me, hold me and kiss me. Yes I too would care for them, love them and be affectionate, cuddle them and hold them and all that.

That sounds lovely. Someone you can just sort of wander into when you've had a bad day and know you'll get a hug back and who'll do the same thing to you when they've had a bad day, gratuitous hugs and kisses, who makes you smile and whom you make smile just at the thought of each other, who will argue about politics with you just for the hell of it, who doesn't care what state of presentability they or their clothes or hair or whatever are in if you come home early from work and whom you don't care if they see you with spectacular bed hair, who'll tell you about their nightmares and who'll listen to yours... Yes, I'm sure the sex would be good (kind of assuming at this point ), but yeah, someone who takes their cuddles and tea-making and cosy warm sleep-ins seriously too. Sort of thing.

[Guest Kevin Bryan]

Remus I'm like you coming at this from a gay perspective so I don't know what anyone else thinks but I think you hit the nail on the head.

That sounds lovely. Someone you can just sort of wander into when you've had a bad day and know you'll get a hug back and who'll do the same thing to you when they've had a bad day, gratuitous hugs and kisses, who makes you smile and whom you make smile just at the thought of each other, who will argue about politics with you just for the hell of it, who doesn't care what state of presentability they or their clothes or hair or whatever are in if you come home early from work and whom you don't care if they see you with spectacular bed hair, who'll tell you about their nightmares and who'll listen to yours... Yes, I'm sure the sex would be good (kind of assuming at this point ), but yeah, someone who takes their cuddles and tea-making and cosy warm sleep-ins seriously too. Sort of thing.

That sounds awesome I espeicaily (sorry for the bad spelling) like the hugs when you've had a bad day part.

[Guest Cowboy]

For me as a man in a relationship I want someone to care about me, actually love me and be affectionate to me. Cuddle me, hold me and kiss me. Yes I too would care for them, love them and be affectionate, cuddle them and hold them and all that. But what I see in this world is people believing men don't want/need this stuff so it always comes across one sided to me that it's all about the man taking care of the woman. The man holds the woman, cuddles the woman. Why do I never hear about a woman actually caring for her boyfriend?

Bro, wanting the same affection you give to a woman in return does not make you less of a man. Its understandable to have that need.

Personally, i feel the same way you do. I too want that same care and love that i give out in return. If i want a relationship, well i want just that. A relationship. "Casual" relationships, or the ones that are all about sex, shows no self-respect. (My opinion at least.) Its like treating yourself and others like a piece of meat. Im strongly against those types of relationships for that reason. Men or women are not just objects of lust. (Some people may differ, as it comes off that way a lot) but we all have thoughts, feelings, opinions, something that makes us an individual. I think that a lot of people forget a relationship is a 2 way street. It takes equal efforts from both the man and the woman involved in it, for it to work.

There are tons of dudes out there who arent all about sex, Or looks for that matter. But like any news story, its always the bad ones who make the front page [if that makes sense.] I, for example, look for good firm values, personality, sense of humor, and most importantly brains, in a women. Physically attraction may be what draws me to that certain person, but its not what im solely focused on.

What im tryin to say here, is that its normal to want those same feelings in return, and it doesnt make you less of a man.

My opinion: it makes you more of a man.

[Flint]

Ah. See I'm not the only man who feels this way after all. I hear all too much of women complaining about men saying all they want is one thing, and all too much some men even showing that evidence seems to be somewhat true! Nice to know there are other guys out there who aint all about that one thing!

[Guest Honstu]

Whew! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way either. As a pansexual (though I lean heavily towards guys), i was worried about this idea of being boxed in as a "stereotypical man" if i were to ever be in a relationship with a woman. If I'm being honest, I was shying away from the idea of being with a woman because I just want to be with someone as their equal in all aspects. I take care of them, they take care of me, it's just that simple: I want to love and be loved.

Thanks Matthias for posting this topic and to everyone (esp. Remus and Maria) for their insight.

Wes

[Guest vertigo]

I've seen quite a few guys who are obsessed over sex [or at least say that]. Not many girls who value that, though.

The media is sexualized. Everything is sexualized. The ad industry is attacking us every day.

Personally, I view relationships in a similar way that you do. For me it's all about mutual love, caring about each other, being honest, sort of complementing one another. It's weird, because I feel like I'm doomed to an eternity of disappointment and loneliness just by writing this... Sounds so idealistic, but I just expect the same that I would give.

To only value relationships for sex would be to treat people like objects. I don't know how objectifying people has anything to do with masculinity.

[Guest ShortyT]

I'm not an emotional person, and I'd rather not hug or any of that stuff, it makes me feel very awkward. Unless it's from a person I'm in a relationship with. And having been single and not looking for 12, I think I'm due for a cuddle soon. Sex? Sure, that's good too, but yeah, I really want that cuddle first and foremost.

[Flint]

I'm not an emotional person, and I'd rather not hug or any of that stuff, it makes me feel very awkward. Unless it's from a person I'm in a relationship with. And having been single and not looking for 12, I think I'm due for a cuddle soon. Sex? Sure, that's good too, but yeah, I really want that cuddle first and foremost.

Aye. I'm not one to hug my friends unless I feel they really need it. However in relationships I like to be very affectionate and also receive affection. At the moment it's all just a dream in my head. Some far gone memories playing like videos. It's a nice dream to have in your head and to go back to...But sometimes? It is kinda painful because at the same time it makes me realise I aint found that person yet, and found that relationship in which I imagine inside my head. I think the image in my head is a perfect image, that will never quite come true. As nothing is ever perfect but I hope to get something close to it. Having said that it's all a perfect image in my head I do also imagine having those little couple arguments people have, and perhaps imagine the woman or myself storming out of the room after having a disagreement but we always go back later and we're hugging and kissing and everything.

[Guest BrandonIThink]

I feel like there's a very stereotypical image of 'what a man should be' that's projected in the media, and the bottom line of that image is that men aren't allowed to be human.... hasn't ever made a whole lot of sense to me, really

Coming at this from a gay perspective, all I really have to say is that I don't want to have a set role in my future relationships. I want whoever I'm with to be able to come to me when they're upset, and I want to be able to hold them and protect them and make them feel better. And then, I want to be able to reverse those roles when the situation calls for it. Sex? Meh. Yeah, I want it to be there, but that just doesn't seem like something to build a relationship on.

Basically, I want to be able to be equal in any relationship I'm in, so that I can support him and he can support me. I don't currently have any relationship experience to speak of ( ), but it seems like that's the kind that would be the best.

[Guest Keane]

I don't see why everyone is so eager to find that "one true love." Why can't we just all love each other?

[Guest ShortyT]

I don't see why everyone is so eager to find that "one true love." Why can't we just all love each other?

Sounds complicated to me. XD

Nope, I just want one guy. Got my eyes on one too, just need to get him to my part of the world. (He likes to cuddle too..)

[Flint]

I don't see why everyone is so eager to find that "one true love." Why can't we just all love each other?

loving on another as in respecting one another and loving one another as people and friends isn't quite the same kind of love.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Hmm... I'm not so much for cuddling and I think sex is an important part of a healthy relationship (although, like Brandon, I currently don't have any relationship experience to speak of, lol) but I think a lot of women actually negate that stereotype. Sometimes it's the girl that's not as touchy-feely, or that places a lot of importance on the physical aspect of a relationship. A lot of women these days are independent and do wanna be treated as equals as others have said, and as such they are not gonna be into the whole "guys taking care of them" thing. I guess yeah, the chivalry thing can be good, but sometimes it can be a bit much if the woman feels like she is being treated as inferior. I think what men are looking for in a relationship is a woman who is independent, confident, and can take care of themselves. At least that's what I would look for. I personally would look for a relationship in which both parties have a considerable amount of autonomy, but that autonomy relies on the fact the relationship is built on honesty and trust (for example, I do my thing you do yours, and we trust each other that we're not going and cheating on each other and hooking up with random people, lol) Maybe that's just me. That's what I would look for in a relationship (though I'm not actively looking for one) and I think sex is important (and like I said, I'm sure a lot of women would agree - it's really not necessarily a "manly" characteristic anymore... and I think men like it when women do place some emphasis on sex) but I don't think a relationship can be built solely upon sex. That's not a relationship, that's FWB lol.

[Flint]

See for me It depends where there independence takes them. Some women get so OVERLY independent they won't give much affection to their partner if any at all. It's almost like they become SO SO independent that they feel that to simply hug their partner is almost failing themselves. And that is when their independence gets too much for me. Yes have independence. And yes have independence and I will be there for you when you do need a hug or a cuddle, but be there for me too when I need some affection too! This is the problem with some women. (I have found personally) that they get so over independent you actually really do get very little affection at all, yet they'll often expect you to be there for them straight away as soon as they need you. But you want/ need them at any time? They won't have any of it at all! And that is what I don't like! Sometimes I just simply want to lay down watch a film and cuddle up to them. Or maybe just silently cuddle in bed, to ease the troubles of life away. If only for a few minutes! I'd do the same for them!

Also I do think sex is a big part of a relationship, eh I have a high....anyway moving on.. yea I think it's important but I do like cuddles too. I'm a big softie really I guess. I'll be honest, I keep trying to change that part of me so I'm less of a softie...Not completely change it, but a bit less of one. But it just seems I really am just a cuddly bear inside...

[Guest Cowboy]

@Matt and RJ:

I honestly, dont think sex is important in a relationship. Its nice. But i dont think sex should contribute to the how healthy a relationship is. I feel like a relationship should be built on true feelings, honesty, and trust. Sex should only compliment a relationship. Not be a factor as to how healthy, or how strong it is.

thats just my own personal opinion.

I do agree about wanting a woman as my equal. I want somebody who wants me, but doesnt necessarily need me. They need/want my love, and care and support, but they are able of doing their thing and taking care of themselves without me as well. Although like Matt said, there is a point where they are TOO independent, and its like you are the only one really putting any effort into the "affection aspect" of the relationship. Its awesome to have a woman who can take care of herself, but it only makes sense to want that same love and care in return.

[Guest My_Genesis]

See for me It depends where there independence takes them. Some women get so OVERLY independent they won't give much affection to their partner if any at all. It's almost like they become SO SO independent that they feel that to simply hug their partner is almost failing themselves. And that is when their independence gets too much for me. Yes have independence. And yes have independence and I will be there for you when you do need a hug or a cuddle, but be there for me too when I need some affection too! This is the problem with some women. (I have found personally) that they get so over independent you actually really do get very little affection at all, yet they'll often expect you to be there for them straight away as soon as they need you. But you want/ need them at any time? They won't have any of it at all! And that is what I don't like! Sometimes I just simply want to lay down watch a film and cuddle up to them. Or maybe just silently cuddle in bed, to ease the troubles of life away. If only for a few minutes! I'd do the same for them!

Also I do think sex is a big part of a relationship, eh I have a high....anyway moving on.. yea I think it's important but I do like cuddles too. I'm a big softie really I guess. I'll be honest, I keep trying to change that part of me so I'm less of a softie...Not completely change it, but a bit less of one. But it just seems I really am just a cuddly bear inside...

Well yes, acting independent but then acting all needy at certain times and not getting anything in return... well then they aren't exactly independent, are they? lol.

Yeah... moving on... lol

[Flint]

Well yes, acting independent but then acting all needy at certain times and not getting anything in return... well then they aren't exactly independent, are they? lol.

Yeah... moving on... lol

Actually that is a very good point. I did think after I'd typed it that actually it didn't sound all that independent. However it's disguised as independence. They disguise it as independence, when actually yea they aint. LOL. Well they are independent in SOME ways. Sometimes so independent they won't even cuddle after certain things. and yes I realise It's normally men who don't seem to wanna do that but in this case it's the women who don't. I actually would like a cuddle after doing that. Yea sometimes I think that makes me less manly too. But meh.

And cowboy, I can see your point of view about it not being the basis of a healthy relationship. But I am of the opinion that a relationship with a sexual side to it is doomed.

[Guest Cowboy]

And cowboy, I can see your point of view about it not being the basis of a healthy relationship. But I am of the opinion that a relationship with a sexual side to it is doomed.

I can agree with that. some people think its healthy to build a relationship on the physical aspect of it, then build feelins, & trust, & all that other important stuff, and thats when its doomed. I just see a relationship going a lot farther, and each person gettin a lot more out of it, if its built on the emotional/mental stuff than if it was built on the physical stuff. I dont think a sexual side to a relationship automatically dooms it to failure, but i do think it should come after everything else. I see your point though.

[Remus]

I think, as long as the communication and understanding are there, either way could work. Again, speaking from no experience, so I could be entirely wrong, but I think as long as there's a mutual understanding of what to expect, it could work. Like, if one person thinks there'll be kinky BDSM every night while the other considers it a celibate relationship, then maybe that would be doomed to failure, but if both know that there'll be lots/none/a bit of sex and exactly how important that is to them as a couple, then maybe it could be a lasting and loving relationship. Dunno, but I think, given human instincts and the (generally-speaking, sorry) in-built 'biological clock' and urge to reproduce, sex can play an important role, and thus impact people's relationships. Again, though, I could be totally off the mark.