Coming Out

[Guest GKay]

I'm not officially out to anyone. My sister knows... sort of, but I've never actually sat down with someone and said "I'm androgynous". With my family it doesn't seem that important to me. They allow me to dress how I want, look how I want, all without question. And the friends I have are not close enough to me for me to care whether or not they officially know. So the act of coming out has not yet factored into my life, though it soon might.

I was wondering how important is/was coming out to your family and friends for everyone else? Anyone can answer, it's not a question limited to my fellow androgyne, genderqueer, agendered, etc. etc. people.

~GKay

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Coming out...That's a tough question, Hon...

Personally, I'm MTF and I want to live and be perceived as female...

So, coming out to me is a "Do or die" situation...Life changing...

So, by saying .."I'm androgynous". you can still be in the middle...yet need to be who you are..Actually, we ALL need to be ourselves..whatever it takes...

This is a tough life...

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Speaking for myself, coming out was extremely important. Having come out now gives me greater freedom.

There is a peace that comes from coming out. My coming out has been challenging at times, but I am glad that I have done it.

Coming out is part of the journey, and each person decides each step and when to take it

Love

Brenda

[Guest Virginia_]

Coming out is a big part of self acceptance and affirmation. But our individual need to do that varies greatly. It I am a bigender androgyne. I pass easily as male or female and the people in my life know me one way or the other. It is a bit of a juggling act, but my female self doesn't want my male self in her world and vice versa. Beyond my wife and the medical professionals who treat me, I do not feel it is anyone's business to know about this side of me. And at this point in my life, there is simply too much at stake to fill my need to be accepted for who I am. If it doesn’t seem important to you to come out to your family, if they allow you to dress how you chose, and you don’t have any friends you need to tell, why point out the elephant in the living room?

[JJ]

Coming out for me was important because I wanted my family to understand who and what I had always been. Because it answered so many questions about my life. And because I wanted to be accepted for myself as I am.

Beyond that though I think I wanted-needed to come out to those I loved in order to be true to myself. If I had not told them then the facade would have always been in place-the love i got not for me but for a lie I had lived. As long as I didn't know then I could accept it. When i knew I had to tell.

But that is just my feeling and my reason. Our feelings are as varied as we are-and as valid for each of us.

JJ

[Guest GKay]

If it doesn’t seem important to you to come out to your family, if they allow you to dress how you chose, and you don’t have any friends you need to tell, why point out the elephant in the living room?

I suppose if it ever starts to bother me that they do not know, it would be a good idea to tell them, but until that time comes I agree; why bring it up? For now, that is. Though I am going back to college soon and I think any friends I make from here on should probably know- provided they are close friends- or the relationship will never go anywhere. So not telling my family means I'll be able to relate somewhat to the juggling act thing. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

Thanks everyone, for your answers. Keep them coming.

~GKay

[Guest Micha]

In the beginning it felt dire, absolutely had to be done. I talked to my wife about it and it went pretty smoothly. Regardless of her understanding she accepts it, kind of knew all along without any label to attach to it.

Since then though it's been different. Now it's no longer a burning need. I can accept myself and how I feel without telling anyone else about it. I don't need anyone's acceptance anymore, and I don't need or want to explain myself. Just acknowledging it on my own seemed to be enough, accepting that this is who I am is all I need. It seems now more of a need to know who I am, not a need for anyone else to know. I can live as I see just (always could, but the restrictions were self imposed) without regrets.

To me, coming out was more of a freeing myself from the chains, either shackled by external standards or internal, of a way of being that was unnatural to me. It was discovering my self, and living true to that nature, instead of living to fit a self contradiction. So I do what I'm comfortable with, wear what I like, appear however masculine or feminine I choose, without a care of what people around me think of it. Yes, I am still self conscious; people stare when I wear eyeliner, comment on my nail polish, might think my gestures inappropriate for a man, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. That discomfort isn't about identity though, it's more about social awkwardness, and I'm overcoming it by continuing to do what I do. It's nothing like "OMG they're staring, they KNOW!" More like feeling in the spotlight and not liking all the attention.

To be clear, I'm an adult, and my reliance on my family is not affected by their opinions on gender, behavior and sexuality. My family is good enough to respect my individuality (to a point, they may still say some things, but never act against me for it). As long as certain ethical standards are met, I doubt anything aesthetic would come between us. I would wish this on everyone; even if I have my complaints about them, my family is a good family. Perhaps that effects my personal feelings on coming out more than I credit it for, dunno for certain.

Either way, my gender, as well as my identity, is my own, no one else need be concerned over it.

[Guest Virginia_]

accepting that this is who I am is all I need...not a need for anyone else to know...my gender, as well as my identity, is my own, no one else need be concerned over it.

Wow, I just spent an hour with my psychologist trying to understand what you said in one sentence.

[Guest Micha]

Wow, I just spent an hour with my psychologist trying to understand what you said in one sentence.

Yah, not like it was an over night process though. Hindsight an' all that.

[Guest Chrysee]

The first couple of people that I came out to got to see me scared to death. Then suddenly, I couldn't wait to tell the next person. Instead of some sort of confessional, it became a celebration. It brought relief, and to be honest I was quite proud of myself. Not because I'd mustered the guts to tell, but because that 'person' that I'd been ashamed to consider might be me, I was now so very proud to be. Yes, I was born a woman inside. I strutted and swaggered and tough guy'd my way through life, and suddenly unwrapped this beautiful person that I all at once loved and wanted others to meet. I immediately changed my name (not legally) and told friends that I realized that it would take time for them to get used to it, but in time I would expect them not to refer to me by the 'old' name again. I got a kick out of talking with the sales girl at the make up counter, making it very clear that the purchases were for me.

I tried on a pair of women's jeans in the women's dressingroom, and when I came out I caught the eye of a woman looking at slacks on a rack. I shrugged, with a questioning look on my face, trying to indicate that I wondered how they looked on me. Smiling, she spun her finger indicating for me to turn around. When I had, she made a circle with her thumb ands forefinger and smiled.

That was so cool for me to do, I thought, I savored every second of it.

So coming out has allowed me to introduce 'me' (the new me, the real me) and watch how people accept me. Think of someone that you'd be oh so pleased to have everybody meet that you just can't wait. Then realize that person is you!

Hugs,

Chrysalis

[Guest mad_scientist]

I think it's a personal preference thing. I found it important to come out about my sexuality, but my gender... well, it's acceptable for women to be masculine, and my dysphoria isn't bad enough for the risk, pain and cost of surgery, so I plan on just pretending to be a butch woman forever.

[Guest GKay]

The first couple of people that I came out to got to see me scared to death. Then suddenly, I couldn't wait to tell the next person. Instead of some sort of confessional, it became a celebration. It brought relief, and to be honest I was quite proud of myself. Not because I'd mustered the guts to tell, but because that 'person' that I'd been ashamed to consider might be me, I was now so very proud to be. Yes, I was born a woman inside. I strutted and swaggered and tough guy'd my way through life, and suddenly unwrapped this beautiful person that I all at once loved and wanted others to meet. I immediately changed my name (not legally) and told friends that I realized that it would take time for them to get used to it, but in time I would expect them not to refer to me by the 'old' name again. I got a kick out of talking with the sales girl at the make up counter, making it very clear that the purchases were for me.

I tried on a pair of women's jeans in the women's dressingroom, and when I came out I caught the eye of a woman looking at slacks on a rack. I shrugged, with a questioning look on my face, trying to indicate that I wondered how they looked on me. Smiling, she spun her finger indicating for me to turn around. When I had, she made a circle with her thumb ands forefinger and smiled.

That was so cool for me to do, I thought, I savored every second of it.

So coming out has allowed me to introduce 'me' (the new me, the real me) and watch how people accept me. Think of someone that you'd be oh so pleased to have everybody meet that you just can't wait. Then realize that person is you!

Hugs,

Chrysalis

I like that. It gives me something to look forward to. One of my goals- as strange as it may be- is to have someone hit on me thinking I am a guy. The day that happens, I will be complete.

I think it's a personal preference thing. I found it important to come out about my sexuality, but my gender... well, it's acceptable for women to be masculine, and my dysphoria isn't bad enough for the risk, pain and cost of surgery, so I plan on just pretending to be a butch woman forever.

Fair enough, and a good answer. Nothing less than I expected. In my case I do have a dysphoria. A better way to describe me would be neutrois with a slight male leaning who presents an androgynous appearance- yes, a mouth full but there it is. I did come out to my sister a few days after posting this topic and she took it well.

[Guest Micha]

The first couple of people that I came out to got to see me scared to death. Then suddenly, I couldn't wait to tell the next person. Instead of some sort of confessional, it became a celebration. It brought relief, and to be honest I was quite proud of myself. Not because I'd mustered the guts to tell, but because that 'person' that I'd been ashamed to consider might be me, I was now so very proud to be. Yes, I was born a woman inside. I strutted and swaggered and tough guy'd my way through life, and suddenly unwrapped this beautiful person that I all at once loved and wanted others to meet. I immediately changed my name (not legally) and told friends that I realized that it would take time for them to get used to it, but in time I would expect them not to refer to me by the 'old' name again. I got a kick out of talking with the sales girl at the make up counter, making it very clear that the purchases were for me.

I tried on a pair of women's jeans in the women's dressingroom, and when I came out I caught the eye of a woman looking at slacks on a rack. I shrugged, with a questioning look on my face, trying to indicate that I wondered how they looked on me. Smiling, she spun her finger indicating for me to turn around. When I had, she made a circle with her thumb ands forefinger and smiled.

That was so cool for me to do, I thought, I savored every second of it.

So coming out has allowed me to introduce 'me' (the new me, the real me) and watch how people accept me. Think of someone that you'd be oh so pleased to have everybody meet that you just can't wait. Then realize that person is you!

Hugs,

Chrysalis

Seeing it like that makes me wonder how it would be for me if I did talk to others about it. Every time I think to make some effort at raising a flag, I hesitate. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of the reaction or if I just don't want to bother explaining it, and don't want to deal with the questions. Still, it's something to think about, with hope and a smile, not with stress and anxiety.

[JJ]

When I came out to the people I did-basically just sisters and a friend besides my daughter and granddaughter-it was because when I see them I want them to look in my eyes and see ME. I want to talk to them and have them know it is me and not the person I tried so long and hard to be but failed.

Beyond that I would love to have someone look me in the eyes and say Sir but it is really something that everyone has quit saying Mam even though I have made very little change in my appearance and am not out in my community for safety reasons.

JJ

[Guest Ryles_D]

Coming out is only important if you need to- and not everyone needs to. If you're pretty comfortable the way things are, there's no real reason to, especially if oyu have reasont o believe the people around you won't be accepting or will make your life a living hell trying to "fix" you.

If you want to transition- you REALLY should unless you've cut contact completely. If you want to be treated as who you are, you really have to come out. PEople probably aren't going to randomly start treating you as another gender than what they already see you (plus, if anyone does read you correctly, people you aren't out to will be "helpful" and "correct" them- which always sucks big time). I've met a lot of genderqueer who are comfortable enough not coming out- it really is just comfort level and how likely you'll be accepted. If you're happy with how things are and coming out could ruin that- why do it? If you're miserable how things are, even if coming out would go badly- it probably can't be worse than it already is.

[Guest Virginia_]

If you're happy with how things are and coming out could ruin that- why do it? If you're miserable how things are, even if coming out would go badly- it probably can't be worse than it already is.

Ryles_D, this is absolutely brilliant.

[Guest Chrysee]

I have two sisters, both younger than me. The older one of the two (Linda, and in her fifties) accepted my Coming Out very well. We live at opposites end of the country and haven't seen each other in 28 years. Her only question on hearing about my life change, was to ask why she was only hearing about it now.

Now when I mentioned Coming Out to our youngest sibling (Cindy, either 49 or 50, I forget) Linda warned me against it. Cindy is too straight laced and would be horrified, Linda insisted. "She'l want to have you committed!"

Well yesterday, I received an email from Cindy. The usual thing. Our mom died several months ago and we still bring it up. At any rate, when I settled down to write a reply, I thought: Why Not? So, I came out to her.

Her reply came back instantly. With much trepidation, I opened it. . .and my jaw hit the desk. It read:

"Well hello, Chrysee. It's nice to meet you."

And I cried. Infact, since coming out, I seem to have elevated crying to an art form.

Thought I'd share that for those with concerns about family members.

Chrysalis

[Guest Micha]

"Well hello, Chrysee. It's nice to meet you."

OOOOHHHH!!! That is so beautiful! Awesome for you Chrysalis!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I didn't add to this because I wanted to see what people think about the importance of 'coming out." And it seems it is - like most everything else - a final suggestion - just be yourself, and if coming out is important to you , then do so.

I suspect the transgendered here who are transitioning or intend to transition, are really wanting to be accepted as their prefered gender. Not everyone transitions or even goes all the way through surgery. Yet those that WANT to be accepted as their tue gender, seem determined to come out eventually, probably to explain what is going on with all those changes.

BUT

Being androgynous seems to have different criteria. Androgyny is rather a self evident situation. And it seems that if you choose to live a mixure of both genders - or even live NON-gendered, your family and friends already know about your need to be yourself.

BUT perhaps strangers and casual aquaintenaces don't know what is going on.

It's obvious coming out to family and friends is a personal choice. It is important only if you feel you need to explain yourself.

Coming out to strangers or casual aquantances, like boses and people who deal with you on personal level? It is more of a statement of fact. My bank teller needs to know my male driver's license identification is valid for Elzabeth - so I can do business - as an example... I will change it when I can, but for now I am forced to out to the bank.

Short answer? Outing is not always necessary. We who transition are more able to be stealth in the gender we prefer... at least after a few years. Androgyny is ongoing 'as is' - and so if you are okay as you are - so be it.

My opinions

Lizzy

[Guest Chrysee]

It's obvious coming out to family and friends is a personal choice. It is important only if you feel you need to explain yourself.

Lizzy

I have been coming out to my siblings because they all live so far from me that they haven't (and can't) seen. I could have gone on just signing holiday cards with my old name and they would never have been the wiser.

My youngest sister (the one I just wrote about) after greeting me so warmly, went on to point out that all of her life she'd thought that there was 'something' about me.

"What?", I emailed and asked.

"Well, you're very effeminate. Didn't you know that?"

Of course I knew that. It was one of the things that I loved about the old me. I just thought that I kept it so well disguised that no one else knew.

So Coming Out has been a reality check.

Both the younger sister and my ex wife, it turns out, thought that I was actually gay and just not wanting to Come Out.

It just gets curiouser & curiouser!

Luv & hugs

Chrysalis & Chrysaliser!

[Guest Silver Dreams]

I'm pan-sexual and androgynous and no offense to everyone else, but I feel like I'm normal and everyone else is different. I'm sort of in the middle of everything and so people will determine my gender and sexuality however they want, regardless of what I tell them.

I get annoyed because my body is the picture of feminine. I prefer long hair so I won't cut it to look less 'womenly' and I like wearing dresses and skirts because they are comfy and allow me to wear less clothing (lol the less clothing the better for me ). I refuse to wear make up unless I'm doing drag (which most people are quick to tell me I can't do drag as a women since I am a women, I just tell them I'm female and not a women).

I don't really 'out' myself because one it just takes to much effort to correct every person I interact with and have to explain that I'm outside of the gender binary, two because even if I do explain my gender to them well they are still going to be stuck in that well she looks like a girl she must be a girl, three most of the time I don't really feel like it should matter especially with my sexuality.

When I meet new people I just assume they are bisexual until they indicate otherwise and I usually let people indicate their gender while I'm talking to them. If it isn't obvious then I just politely ask them which pronouns they prefer.

[Guest Chrysee]

So you feel like your normal and everyone else is different?

You too?

Anyway, greetings newcomer!

Chrysalis

[Guest Silver Dreams]

So you feel like your normal and everyone else is different?

You too?

Anyway, greetings newcomer!

Chrysalis

Yeah... maybe it's because of the way I think... but I feel like gender and sexuality are mostly a result of social and personal conditioning. Since I'm something like a blank slate (as in I don't really have a sexual preference or a gender) then I'm the norm or the baseline and others are somewhat conditioned. Not that that makes me think any less of anyone. Everyone is free to be who they are and no one is free of some sort of conditioning.

I guess it is a point of view. Others think I'm weird but I think I'm normal.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Everyone's path is a little different. For some, coming out is the first step. For some, coming out is the last step. For some, coming out is never an option.

In my case, coming out was very important to me. In some ways, I couldn't help outing myself.

Each person is different and have different priorities and needs.

This is just my personal experience.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Chrysee]

Everyone is free to be who they are and no one is free of some sort of conditioning.

That was so well put. I'll be hearing that in my head for the rest of the week.

Thanks,

Luv & Hugs

Chrysalis