Coming Out

[Guest Riam]

Coming out was extremely important to me. Before I came out, I was very depressed, suicidal, self-harming. It was incredibly painful. And since I came out almost a year ago, things have been improving. Maybe it would be different for other people, but I needed people to use different words, name, pronouns, when they talk about me, plus I intend to partially transition, so I need to be out. For me, androgyne isn't about being masculine and feminine. It's deeper than that, the essence of me. I am transgender, even though it's not the usual MTF or FTM. I have dysphoria, etc.

[Guest Chrysee]

I am also a recovering alcoholic, and in recovery you will hear people who have been sober for a while talk about how grateful they are to be alcoholic. i must say that I questioned that until I reached that place in my life. I came to know how, as a result of having the disease of alcoholism, I had to look at myself at a level that 'normal' people didn't. I had to work to rid myself of certain 'defects of character.' And along the way, whenever I spoke with 'normal' drinkers, I founds that they never seemed to be as 'normal' as they to wanted to believe they were. Each person seemed to have gray areas in their lives they suddenly became aware of during our talks and I'd watch them squirm just a bit.

This same thing seems to happen when the discussion turns to sex & gender orientation amongst my 'average' friends and acquaintances. I have chosen to lay bare aspects of myself and truly look at them, in an effort to get to know myself and be (and love) who I really am. The people I speak with seem to come to an awareness of having left certain doors closed in their lives. As we speak, and they come up against one, they question what's behind it but are quite pleased to leave it closed.

I lived as only partially me for too long. The first person that I ever came out to was me, and after that my identity became a snowball rolling downhill.

Coming Out for me was like unlocking a door which I have since taken off the hinges!

Seasons Greetings,

Chrysalis

[Guest Micha]

I love the way you put that, and how true it rings to me. There's a lot a person can say about themselves that seems full of confidence and security; and left unchallenged, it remains so. But ask one simple question and suddenly the skies aren't so clear anymore. That's a truly difficult reality to face, the possibility that what you thought you knew so well is really something you never ever came to understand, and the possibility that it's quite different than what you thought it was.

I have come to realize that there's a lot I thought I knew about myself, but suspect deep down I'm in complete darkness. It's a scary reality to face, but I've come too far to be happy in ignorance. Until I figure these shades of gray out, I will remain unsettled and frustrated.

[Guest Chrysee]

I love the way you put that, and how true it rings to me. There's a lot a person can say about themselves that seems full of confidence and security; and left unchallenged, it remains so. But ask one simple question and suddenly the skies aren't so clear anymore. That's a truly difficult reality to face, the possibility that what you thought you knew so well is really something you never ever came to understand, and the possibility that it's quite different than what you thought it was.

I have come to realize that there's a lot I thought I knew about myself, but suspect deep down I'm in complete darkness. It's a scary reality to face, but I've come too far to be happy in ignorance. Until I figure these shades of gray out, I will remain unsettled and frustrated.

Good luck with those 'gray areas', and don't be surprised if on one of them is written: 'Chrysee Was Here!'

Merry Christmas (It's actually 6:04a.m., Christmas morning!)

Chrysalis

[Guest Micha]

Newness stuff I experienced, wanna share, need to talk. . . I dunno

I used to think something along the lines like "K, no hormones, no surgery, this should be simple, straight forward, etc."

No. Not easy anyways, and it doesn't seem so simple anymore. I want to talk to people about how I feel. I want people to know that there's things about me I don't like, things I would like to do, but feel awkward or even ashamed to. I just want people to know me, not simply be aware of me. Not even people, jus certain people. I can count on one hand how many people I will truly let into my soul. . .

I have my three best friends, one I married, one's my cousin, but we may as well be brothers (or as close to brothers as a guy and a lesbian can be) and one I've been able to relate and open up to like none other. Two of them know I'm transgender, and neither of them really seemed to wanna talk about it. Like my wife, she seemed more concerned about my sexuality, like, how was this gonna affect her. I dunno if that's just in my head, and I hate the idea that I could think it, but like, what if that's really all it is to her? My other friend, she didn't say much. Jus' like "whatever works for you." My brother, I dunno if I'll tell him. He's always been kinda homophobic. . . not like hatred, but like a genuine discomfort. I don't know. . . he's not judgmental, and I doubt he'd ever turn on me. . . I mean, we've prolly saved each other's lives jus by talkin and being there to listen. I love him, and I know he loves me, and like. . . I don't know. I'm just not comfortable opening up to him like that. I wasn't comfortable talking to Z or Kat either, but Taco's different.

Maybe it's jus cuz he's the only guy I've ever really loved like a brother. Men intimidate me, and no matter how much I feel for and trust Taco, he's still a man. So maybe it's just me?

Still, even though I've told Z and Kat, I don't feel anything like fulfilled or satisfied. I expected acceptance, but I was hoping more for a chance of going deeper. Like yah, I am transgender, but I don't want hormones or surgery. . . is that all you really wanted to know? How about what I feel to have been the way I am? What it was like to try and live up to expectations I could never meet? To never have experienced my life before with my true feelings? How about what it'll take for me to finally realize my dream self? How about what would it take for me to be happy with my self? To be happy with my body? Is it so simple for you? It's hell for me and I'm suffering alone! No help from you, the only people who are here, with me and able to actually do something immediate for me. . . and I don't even know how to ask you for help.

I know they care. I know you care. I know no one wants this for me. I know anyone one of you or them would take my torment from me. It's not that simple.

So yeah, I just realized what's important about coming out, what it means to me and what I need from it.

I hate it.

[Guest talitha]

Coming out isn't an issue for me. I'm comfortable as I am & there is the issue of three brothers who are all quite macho compared to me. I so wish that I'd had a sister to tell & talk with!

Talitha

[Guest Deitrich]

I want to come out to my mum but im afraid she'll do the whole- "its just a fase, you cant know for sure until your older" thing

xoxo Deitrich

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I want to come out to my mum but im afraid she'll do the whole- "its just a fase, you cant know for sure until your older" thing

xoxo Deitrich

Of course that CAN happen. But if you are sincere and adult in your presentation, she might get the point.

Just thinking on what you said...

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Coming out is going to be differe3nt for everyone....

Some of us need to come out to get support through our transition..(hopefully)

Others keep it hidden for family, job or a multitude of reasons...

This is certainly NOT a "one size fits all" situation...

Each of our needs is different...

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Micha]

I want to come out to my mum but im afraid she'll do the whole- "its just a fase, you cant know for sure until your older" thing

xoxo Deitrich

Eh, you know your mom better than any one here, so you might know better about how she'd react.

But just think, she could also be like "well, I love you and want you to be happy, always," or "you know, I always kinda thought so. . ."

Jus sayin, you never truly know how someone will react, even if you think you do. Sometimes people completely suprise you with their reactions. So maybe she won't be cool, maybe she will. Only one way to find out.

If you really wanna that is. I know, there's a lot that goes into it. . . living situations, family relations, personal needs, etc. The list is extensive, but you should know your priorities and be able to figure out what's worth doing and what's not.

[Guest Casey101]

I'd say it was pretty important for me personally.

At the time I was identifying as FTM.

Androgyny is kind of a different story though because (as least for me) you're part of your assigned gender. Depending on the size of this "Part", I would consider keeping it quiet or coming out. If you feel the urge to come out, then do it. I think it's important for a lot of people in this community but androgyny complicates it a little bit.

I hope that helped.

[Guest JesseY]

I'm new to Laura's Playground. I've been skimming the forums here for the past few days, and this topic caught my attention.

I agree that coming out is not a one-size-fits-all scenario, and factors in life like support (emotional or financial) and job security can and often do influence a person's decision. An individual should not be forced to come out, and the process of coming out should not be associated with social maturity. In LGBT communities I've encountered over the past 10 years, coming out seems to be some kind of rite of passage, and if you are still in the closet, you are met with questions like, "You're ___ years old and not out yet?!"

Describing androgyny beyond appearance is not an easy task, and while I'm open to some people about my gender, having individuals accept and realize it is another matter. As a female-bodied androgyne who more masculine (in behavior and appearance) than feminine, I've dealt with those who want to convince me that I'm just a confused woman who doesn't know what I want. Or worse are statements like "You could be an attractive woman. Why can't you realize that?," as if not choosing to be fully feminine or masculine is some type of social defect or lack of self awareness.

[Guest Micha]

I've dealt with those who want to convince me that I'm just a confused woman who doesn't know what I want. Or worse are statements like "You could be an attractive woman. Why can't you realize that?," as if not choosing to be fully feminine or masculine is some type of social defect or lack of self awareness.

Nailed.

My skin crawls at ideas like this - there's a way people should be, and that way is strictly defined; anything contrary to these standars are flawed or sub-standard. Absurd.

Let your soul fly free.

[Guest Chrysee]

Newness stuff I experienced, wanna share, need to talk. . . I dunno

I used to think something along the lines like "K, no hormones, no surgery, this should be simple, straight forward, etc."

No. Not easy anyways, and it doesn't seem so simple anymore. I want to talk to people about how I feel. I want people to know that there's things about me I don't like, things I would like to do, but feel awkward or even ashamed to. I just want people to know me, not simply be aware of me. Not even people, jus certain people. I can count on one hand how many people I will truly let into my soul. . .

I have my three best friends, one I married, one's my cousin, but we may as well be brothers (or as close to brothers as a guy and a lesbian can be) and one I've been able to relate and open up to like none other. Two of them know I'm transgender, and neither of them really seemed to wanna talk about it. Like my wife, she seemed more concerned about my sexuality, like, how was this gonna affect her. I dunno if that's just in my head, and I hate the idea that I could think it, but like, what if that's really all it is to her? My other friend, she didn't say much. Jus' like "whatever works for you." My brother, I dunno if I'll tell him. He's always been kinda homophobic. . . not like hatred, but like a genuine discomfort. I don't know. . . he's not judgmental, and I doubt he'd ever turn on me. . . I mean, we've prolly saved each other's lives jus by talkin and being there to listen. I love him, and I know he loves me, and like. . . I don't know. I'm just not comfortable opening up to him like that. I wasn't comfortable talking to Z or Kat either, but Taco's different.

Maybe it's jus cuz he's the only guy I've ever really loved like a brother. Men intimidate me, and no matter how much I feel for and trust Taco, he's still a man. So maybe it's just me?

Still, even though I've told Z and Kat, I don't feel anything like fulfilled or satisfied. I expected acceptance, but I was hoping more for a chance of going deeper. Like yah, I am transgender, but I don't want hormones or surgery. . . is that all you really wanted to know? How about what I feel to have been the way I am? What it was like to try and live up to expectations I could never meet? To never have experienced my life before with my true feelings? How about what it'll take for me to finally realize my dream self? How about what would it take for me to be happy with my self? To be happy with my body? Is it so simple for you? It's hell for me and I'm suffering alone! No help from you, the only people who are here, with me and able to actually do something immediate for me. . . and I don't even know how to ask you for help.

I know they care. I know you care. I know no one wants this for me. I know anyone one of you or them would take my torment from me. It's not that simple.

So yeah, I just realized what's important about coming out, what it means to me and what I need from it.

I hate it.

Micha,

I would so very much love to go for coffee with you or out to dinner this instant and just talk. There's something relaxing about stuffing something in your mouth while trying to ruminate the pros and cons of sensitive issues.

And being in the company of someone who can relate provides a fine safety net, n'est-ce pas?

One thing I would like to mention, depending upon how your nervous system runs, is to pay attention to your health. The moment that I Came Out (almost a year ago, can you believe it?) I started experiencing some odd physical symptoms. Now I have COPD, but it rarely effects me and yet, after Coming Out,, I would awaken at night in a panic, finding that I'd stopped breathing in my sleep. And every time I'd doze back off, it would happen again. My first thought was Apnia, and yet I put off seeing my doctor. Then I went from 165lbs--my weight since high school--to 147. I'd put a few pounds back on and wham!. . .gone.

The breathing glitch became an every night thing to the point that I became afraid to sleep. At last I saw my doctor who immediately deemed these breathing incidents 'panic attacks.'

And yes, though most of the authority figures that I feared so throughout my youth are dead and gone, I was indeed terrified of what I was doing, and of what 'people would say." And, as my grandmother would sometimes ask: "What do you suppose that God thinks of you right now?"

What rubbish!

So if things get to the point, Micha, where you notice your body seriously rebelling, then get help.

And aside from that, this Forum is a wonderful place to seek comfort and counsel.

Keep Coming Back.

Cissy Priscilla

[Guest GQkid13]

For me it was a big deal...I wanted to come out to my family and friends...so yea it was big to me..and they still call me a girl and she...ughh i wish pronouns wouldn't exist...

[Guest Ulysses]

This topic caught my eye right away. I'm wondering myself whether to come out as androgynous/gender fluid. From what I've been reading on this topic, it can be very liberating even if not necessary. My assigned gender is female: if ever I dress 'boyish' it goes unnoticed by friends and family. It might not be needed at all to sit down and say "I'm androgynous". Our family has never been one to enforce gender conformity or stereotypes. As I understand, it makes no difference what I wear or who I am, so logically, being androgynous shouldn't require coming out. But, a part of me feels it is important, that I do need to come out. Perhaps, in my case, it's as whoever said before: "coming out is to affirm and celebrate"? (Paraphrased; I can't remember exactly was said and I lost the post.) Even if it might not matter, I feel like it still should be said. I want my friends and family to know exactly who I am: I don't want them to think of/remember me wrong. Of course, there's a small part of me that worries what they'll say or think. But that's only my anxiety talking.

The other thing that concerns me, and is pushing me closer to coming out, is preferred pronouns. I really want people to call me by gender-neutral pronouns. I haven't yet asked anyone to, but I think of it every day. It bothers me more each day that I have not asked anyone nor come out (besides for two friends). Even though nothing has changed, and I'm still the same person I've always been, I feel my realization of my identity (about a year and a half ago) deserves some acknowledgement. As for how many people I tell, and who I ask to use neutral pronouns, I'm not sure yet. But I do want to tell someone.

I think cutting my hair (which is long at the moment) will give me confidence and self-esteem enough to begin come out. I think it would be hard for people unfamiliar with the concept of androgyny to accept me, who looks feminine with long hair, as androgynous inside. I want to cut it short, in unisex fashion, in hopes that matching outside with inside a little more might help.

That, and I really hate the feeling of hair brushing against my shoulders.

Well, that's all I have for now. I guess I should introduce myself before I end; my name's Ulysses, and I just joined Laura's Playground today. It's not the name my parents gave me, but one I picked out for myself. On days I feel masculine, it can be kept Ulysses. On days I feel feminine, I turn the 'lyss' into Liz. When I feel like both or neither, it's Uly (yoo-lee). It just seems right.

Have a great day/night, everyone. Fingers crossed I found the right place.

[Guest Micha]

Have a great day/night, everyone. Fingers crossed I found the right place.

I think you have. Hello and welcome! *HUGGLES*

On your wanting too come out, it does sounds a little complicated, but still necessary if you feel it's important to you. You will still be the same person, but people will have a different understanding of you, know you that much better. Honestly I think people should feel honored when someone they love trusts them enough to tell them something like that. Hope it works out for you.

What are the pronouns anyways? I see "they/them/their" but there's times when those are akward too, or simply not grammatically correct.

[Guest Ulysses]

I think you have. Hello and welcome! *HUGGLES*

On your wanting too come out, it does sounds a little complicated, but still necessary if you feel it's important to you. You will still be the same person, but people will have a different understanding of you, know you that much better. Honestly I think people should feel honored when someone they love trusts them enough to tell them something like that. Hope it works out for you.

What are the pronouns anyways? I see "they/them/their" but there's times when those are akward too, or simply not grammatically correct.

Hello, and thank you for the welcome!

I like your saying "...people should feel honored when someone they love trusts them...". That's a good, optimistic way to approach the situation. Since joining this site and having that little 'coming out' rant, I'm more convinced that I will do so soon. And thank you for the good wishes: I hope it works out too.

I've been antsy about the pronouns myself. They/them/their are fine, I guess, but the fact that they can be awkward or grammatically incorrect rubs my inner writer the wrong way. (Annoying Grammarian alert!) From what I've seen thus far, the alternate pronouns "ze/zhe" and "hir" (pronounced as 'hear') are more common. Or at least, where I live, it's most recognized. I'm not sure. Are there others?

Until next time- Uly

[Guest BookOfXcentric]

I have actually never sat down and said the words to anyone in my family. But I believe my mom understands, and she thinks it's fun (fun as in the good fun, not the "I'm laughing at you" fun.)

My B-day is coming up and we look at binders together, and the other day her friend saw me on the street with my grandma and thought I was boy we talked a bit after that, and I pretty much came out without actually saying much at all...

I live with my grandma during the summer because my apartment gets too hot, and she has made no remark about my apperance what-so-ever, even though she must have noticed that I bind my chest (but when I cut off all my hair she just laughed, I couldn't tell if it was a good laugh or a bad one). And when I shop at the men's-section she simply replays "but that's menswear."

She and my aunt are the ones i'm afraid of saying anything to because they are very curt and gruff people, and they like to patronize others...

Pronouns I find to be a complicated topic, so far I'm happy if people IRL simply call me by my name. While I personally use they/them/their, Ze/Zie, Hir etc.

Hugs from a new member

[Guest Micha]

I have actually never sat down and said the words to anyone in my family. But I believe my mom understands, and she thinks it's fun (fun as in the good fun, not the "I'm laughing at you" fun.)

My B-day is coming up and we look at binders together, and the other day her friend saw me on the street with my grandma and thought I was boy we talked a bit after that, and I pretty much came out without actually saying much at all...

I live with my grandma during the summer because my apartment gets too hot, and she has made no remark about my apperance what-so-ever, even though she must have noticed that I bind my chest (but when I cut off all my hair she just laughed, I couldn't tell if it was a good laugh or a bad one). And when I shop at the men's-section she simply replays "but that's menswear."

She and my aunt are the ones i'm afraid of saying anything to because they are very curt and gruff people, and they like to patronize others...

Pronouns I find to be a complicated topic, so far I'm happy if people IRL simply call me by my name. While I personally use they/them/their, Ze/Zie, Hir etc.

Hugs from a new member

*HUUGLES*

Welcome new member!

I'm glad your mom seems to understand. If you can actually shop for binders together, I think that's a great sign. If your grandmother doesn't harrass you about shoping for "menswear" then that too is prolly really good.

Just doing what you do and letting them figure out for themselves is something I wish I could more readily do, so it's a really cool thing that it works, and I hope it continues to work for you. best of luck!