Unsure And Need Guidance

[Guest Kit]

Hi, I am 18 and (at the moment) female. Over the summer I was at an art school and for the first time a lot of my common beliefs about myself changed because I was around a liberal group of people who had never met me before and they really got me thinking about who I am. I had been doing a lot of projects on intersex and transgender and my friends told me that I must have a personal reason for this if I was so interested. This made me realize that I am constantly reading about this because I've never been happy about my gender. Ever since I realized that surgery and hormone therapy existed I've wanted to become a man or I've at least been interested in the idea. I'm not exactly a tomboy and I don't think anyone would ever classify me as one. My sister is really feminine and my parents encourage me to act like her so over the years I've started to dress like she does. I also have really really long hair because I'm scared of my jewfro. I wonder if because I don't really fit any stereotype that maybe I'm just wrong about myself and I need to stay the way I am.

I really want to talk about my feelings but I only have one close friend that I can trust and I feel really guilty because she has a crush on me and we sort of made out a few nights back. I only feel guilty because I don't really like her in that way and I feel like I'm being used. I just need someone who knows what they are talking about to help me out!

I'm fortunate enough to have liberal parents with lots of gay, lesbian and transgender friends so I am sure that they will accept me no matter what. The problem with my coming out is just that I'm scared of the way my family's opinion of me will change. I'm sure they've always noticed that maybe there is something "off" about me.

I am too scared to talk to a school counselor to get advice on therapy. I want to make sure I really need therapy before I spend money on it.

I'm sorry I have just written this huge wall of whiny stuff. I don't want to come off as being a whiny pain. I'm just confused and I need some guidance.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Good morning, Kit...

Welcome to the Playground.

I'm going to get you a hot slice of pizza and a cold drink if you'll just have a seat over here...

Then you can kick off your shoes and make yourself at home....OK?

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the top of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone....

I'm sure that you'll find some answers here and make some friends....

It's so nice to have you...

Huggs

Donna Jean

[JJ]

Hi Kit,

Welcome to Laura's! You have found the perfect place to discuss and explore your feelings.

Since your parents are accepting my suggestion would be to ask them to make an appointment with a gender therapist. That is the best way to discover your true identity and feelings. It doesn't mean that you have to come out to them as trans just that you ave questions and ambiguous feelings you need to resolve. Gender is so very complex and diverse - there could be many reasons for your fascination and many places you could fit on the spectrum

We can share our experiences and opinions and support you in your quest but to find your answers a therapist is the real answer.

We look forward to getting to know you

JJ

[Guest Kit]

Thank you very much!

I really hope to find some people I can trust to talk to, especially since I'm a little scared.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Kit welcome! The replies you had are really good and especially the one grom Jamie (JJ) as he is like you in many ways - and has become self aware of his true nature as trans just recently - always knew he was male. He will probably not do a major transition, be cause he is already presenting well as a grouchy old man (hee hee), seriously, he has developed a way to cope with the gender dysphoria. He is just 'himself" and that is a female bodied man. That is doable - and a full transition is NOT for everyone. Jamie is also very artistic, so he and you may have a lot in common.

And yes - a gender trained therapist is a must, and eventually you almost have to go that route, so the sooner the better.

Your story suggests your parents will probably understand that you have a gender dysphoria. It isn't your fault because it seems probable we all were born that way. So see if they can help. It is NOT a sexual orientation, and that is what you need to emphasize.

Please keep us updated. Get your 5 posts in so you can access Private Mesaging (PM) and then you can ask more questions of a specific nature to those you think might help.

And again - we are not therapists. We can only give examples of our own life experiance.

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Kit]

I'll certainly talk to my parents when I see them again, but I'm a bit apprehensive about the therapy thing just because my parents hate doctors. I rarely ever get check ups because my Dad is against healthcare. (It's not like they're abusive or weird or anything... It's just money and making sure something is really necessary!!) I just think they might be reluctant to get therapy for me if I'm not suicidal.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

And are you suicidal? 50% of us try at least once by age 20.

Kit - this is your LIFE you are talking about! Therapists are not usually medical doctors (psychiatrists are) but are there to help you find yourself (not 'cure' you) - so that may be acceptable to your father. It's better than finding you dead one day!

If you are gender dysphoric, it only gets worse. There is no real cure, only self understanding. You or your parents will not be able to handle this alone. Your parents will have to let go of some bucks...

Lizzy

[JJ]

Kit,

Since your parents know transpeople then they should be more open to the possibility of seeing a gender therapist. If they are reluctant or resistant ask them to talk to their trans friends who should be likely to convince them that it is a necessity whether to help resolve your gender questions or to begin transition. It's a necessry first step in your process.

But also feel free to keep asking your questions or sharing feelings here.

JJ

[Guest Sotha]

I wonder if because I don't really fit any stereotype that maybe I'm just wrong about myself and I need to stay the way I am.

A stereotype, by definition, is "a set of inaccurate, simplistic generalizations about a group that allows others to categorize them and treat them accordingly" (Dictionary.com).

Almost nobody actually fits any stereotype.

[Guest Kit]

Thank you all for so much good advice.

I promise I'm not at all suicidal. I've had to go to a lot of funerals for suicide victims and remembering the hurt on everyone's face is so painful that I can't imagine doing that to my friends and family. While this hurt a lot, I'm glad that I will never consider this as an option. I love everyone in my life too much to hurt them in that way.

For now I just want to be more educated and learn more of my options before I go in to a doctor or therapist. I'm still really scared to talk to anyone because I know I'll have trouble holding my own. I'm really scared of therapists because I almost had to go to one for an eating disorder and it was as a threat. I guess I'll have to get over myself a little bit.

Thanks for your help! It really is nice to have people to talk to. I haven't been so happy in days.

[Guest Sam_P]

It sounds like you're already doing the rights things by doing a lot of research and finding whether it matches how you feel. You don't have to fit any stereotypes to identify your gender however you like. Just go with whatever feels the most comfortable with you, whether it be male, female, somewhere inbetween or not even on the scale! The most important thing is that you're happy with it yourself. It sounds like you're off to a great start with a lot of friends and family that will be there to support you whatever you decide.

If you do decide to transition then you'll end up having to go to a gender therapist like the others say. However, if you feel more comfortable working through your feelings yourself and coming up with how you feel comfortable on your own, there's nothing wrong with this! Not everyone is happiest working things through with another person. So it's totally your choice until you make the decision whether you want to transition or not.

Oh and, welcome!

[Guest Kit]

Thank you for more advice. You have all made me a lot more confident. In fact, when I went to school today, people noticed that I seemed happier and more confident! It really cheered me up and I even came out to a couple of my transgender friends who were really supportive. Even though we are roommates they never knew about me. I feel a lot better just within a day of being able to sort out what I feel and all that stuff.

So, we'll see. Maybe the next step is to take the plunge and talk to my parents! I'll keep doing my research first, though.

[Guest Sam_P]

Thank you for more advice. You have all made me a lot more confident. In fact, when I went to school today, people noticed that I seemed happier and more confident! It really cheered me up and I even came out to a couple of my transgender friends who were really supportive. Even though we are roommates they never knew about me. I feel a lot better just within a day of being able to sort out what I feel and all that stuff.

So, we'll see. Maybe the next step is to take the plunge and talk to my parents! I'll keep doing my research first, though.

Being able to just be yourself is definitely key to being happy and confident! It's great that you're already feeling that. And that you have some really supportive friends! Good luck with all the research and don't forget to post any queries you have that you can't seem to find answers for.