How The Heck Am I Supposed To Pull Out Of This?

[Guest insanitylives]

VENT

I'm healthy for the first time in a long time.

and I'm athletic, so being a *little* heavy for my build (i'm kind of slight, even for being female)

But i can't get by the fact that i want to loose just another ten pounds

Just another ten

150

...maybe 140..

it'll never be enough will it?

*sigh*

i'm barely eating.

basically when i'm forced to (or "strongly suggested to"...same difference) otherwise i'm just NOT hungery, weightloss is a lovely byproduct of it.

how am i not supposed to see myself as fat when i have these measurements?

stupid *censored* curves. go die or something...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Suggestion:

Research and find your ideal weight for your height, age and body type - for a MALE

Stay at that plus about 10 pounds up or down.

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest insanitylives]

Suggestion:

Research and find your ideal weight for your height, age and body type - for a MALE

Stay at that plus about 10 pounds up or down.

Elizabeth Anne

Funny about that, technically I'm there.

but my body fat is still too high (low 20s)

AND I HAVE STUPID BOOBS. For gods sake, I lost weight in a somewhat healthy way (for once in my life) and I didn't exactly go *down*, I just got a little broader (read: look somewhat normal now)

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I have learned this - your breast fat is the LAST fat that goes when dieting! You have to be a 'stick' to get any results with that - and this is how the bodies of women and men react. Older men with man-boobs have problems with this. I had a friend natal-male - NOT gender dysphoric - he lost almost 180 punds. He had to have surgury to reduce the breast tissue - but he also had to have loose skin reduced as well. It wasn't what he expected, but it worked.

I regret to say that you can buff up perhaps, and that might help your physique - but it is likely your chest will remain as it is.

And many FTM are able to just be as male as they can get, without hormones and surgery ... a somewhat female bodied man. That's fine if it works for you. One of our job superintendants on the construction site is like that. Looks male exept her voice is slightly lighter than that of a man, her hands are smaller - and her chest is obvious. She does a job traditionally male oriented, and does it well. Everyone accepts her. She uses her female name so she does not appear to be trans, but it seems she feels like she should be a man. Many people out there like that.

Or surgury is a possibility - I mean some point in your life. Perhaps just a reduction. Surgury for FTM is complicated and is not always that satisfying, especially nipple reduction without scaring. I have not heard but I suspect hormones will not signifantly reduce your breast tissue, either.

We are what we are. We do what we can. The key is to know you are not alone - that's why we have Laura's!

Lizzy

[Guest insanitylives]

Funny about that. if i got too buff, my breasts(yeah. I've been binding the better part of a year and there's none of this breakdown other guys talk about) would look bigger and be harder to bind due to pecs underneath (Mixed blessing eh? )

Stupid things. I WANT THEM GONE. NOW.

I am NOT a *censored* woman. And I'm kind of offended that you implied i might be just a masculine girl.

I hate my body i want to destroy it, i dont really see much reason not to. I'm going to have scars anyway, why not right? I'm going to be sterile anyway (and that's for the good of society. i shouldn't be passing genes on anyway) why should I care that that's an end result of anorexia, right?

I know there's something wrong with this. I know i'm ruining my chances of actually physically transitioning later.

But I don't know if i care. I'm sooooooooo mother*beep* responsible with everything else.

i need my body changed.

but either way im slowly killing myself. binding, i'm messing with my ribcage breathing and heartrate, starving i'm messing with all my internal organs.

[Guest AndrewH]

Hey Kyle,

Not sure what the answer is but I can say I've been there and I can tell you how I pulled out of it though I don't recommend this route... I almost died.

You are right when you say it won''t ever be enough when it comes to the weight loss. It isn't. For one thing, I think often when we look in the mirror we don't see what others see and weightloss doesn't fix that. Also, even when I got down to 90lbs at a height of just a hair over 5'7" I still had curves... my hip bones stuck out and my boobs were not completely gone. People who looked at me, even with a very short hair cut and guy clothes would ask "Are you a guy or are you really a girl?"

It sucks.

Destroying our bodies isni't the answer though. I guess somehow you need to make the realisation that the man inside you is a great guy and is worth fighting through this so he can live.

For me, that moment came when I passed out while using a table saw in high school and the image of the moments before everything went black is what I still use when things get tough with the eating issues... and yes, years later the eating issues still try to come back. I started to fall and things got fuzzy around the edges and I couldn't stop myself. My face was heading right for the blade and I realised that no matter how much my life sucked, and how much I hated my body... I did not want to die, and at that moment I could not save myself. I had no strength because I had starved myself.

Another guy in the class had to pull me backfast and then help me get up to the nurses office.

I think I hated that feeling of weakness and helplessness and needing to be saved by some other guy even more than I hated my body.

I have messed up my metabolism and have an irregular heartbeat now due to having starved myself. My doctor says that the heart issue is not the dangerous kind of arrhythmia though

As for the pecs making the boobs more noticable... yeah, they do... but doesn't it feel great the stuff you can do when you are strong and healthy? Are you able to look in the mirror and isolate parts of you that look good? like have you built up your legs or your arms to a point that you can be proud of them? sometimes being able to focus on the parts like that can help to feel just a wee bit better and to be able to cope just a bit better because then you start thinking stuff like ... if I want to maintain these awesome manly legs I need to feed my body and work out. etc...

As I have gotten older I have gone a different way... I have come to terms with my body and live as a woman even though I am a guy on the inside. My husband actually likes this about me because he can talk to me like any other guy but he likes the girl parts. *shrug* for me it is working (Ido have my tough times though) but that isn't possible for everyone. Some guys just need to be a guy and the surgeries to make that fully a reality are not there yet.

Do you know how long you have until you can at least have top surgery? That doesn't fix everything but it would at least get the boobs out of the way of the pecs you've worked to build right?

Hang in there.