Not Sure How To Deal With Misogyny/confusion

[Guest tsubasa]

Hi All,

I'm sorry if this offends. I don't know where else to go to talk about these things. I feel like my life is all wrong and there's no way to change it.

I was born male, and my whole life I've wanted to be female instead. I've never understood why. I started self-medicating after high school because I simply could not stand the way my male body worked, and I eventually got a prescription from my GP. After that I got kicked out of home. My relationship with my parents has been in a constant downward spiral. At least last year my mom stopped calling me by my boy name, but I simply feel no reason to continue a relationship with the people who forced me to be male for my whole life.

That was all about 8 years ago (getting kicked out, etc), and I finally have enough money that I think I can start to think about actually transitioning to be a woman.

The only problem is I'm not sure how I feel about my gender any more, and I've never received a diagnosis for all the therapy I've been in. I currently have a job in a 95% female call center. It's been an eye-opening experience, and I think there were a few things about being a woman I hadn't realized. It was shocking to see how prevalent the attitude is that math is just something stupid for boys (or worse, something useless boys designed intentionally knowing a woman wouldn't be able to understand it). It's been really confusing, since I'm good at computers and I've always done well in math. I'm also not sure how to deal with how easy women get into relationships, seems like two or three boyfriends at a time. When I had a boyfriend, I was happy just being with him.

I've never had a girlfriend, and the friends I had as a kid left me around middle school because no girl wants to be seen hanging around with they gay guy. I've spent so much of my life being a computer dork that I simply don't have anything in common with women. When I try to talk to a woman or be friendly, she just thinks that I'm making sexual advances; they're pretty quick to shut me down (after all I don't have a car--what would a woman want with a guy with no car when she can spend her time flirting with guys who have more money). I guess not being around “real” women up until the past few years led me to believe stuff I heard from feminism rather than reality.

I have a really affirming counsellor right now, but I've still never received a diagnosis. I have a letter of recommendation for a name change, but no diagnosis. I hardly dress as a guy any more except for work, and I feel more comfortable going out as a woman. I'm hoping I can start electrolysis soon, but I suppose I've lost sight of what I wanted to be.

I've always felt like I was a woman on the inside, but I've been wondering if being able to write computer software for example means that I'm not really a woman on the inside, and the psychologists I've seen in the past knew that. I used to believe that a woman could do anything a guy could do, that women wanted to be exposed to things like math, and if I was good with math that I could still be a woman who was good at math. Maybe that's wrong? I suppose in theory I still don't see why math is beyond “real” women, but most women are just concerned with having babies and letting the system take care of them. I guess I can relate--it must be nice to be able to give your parents grandchildren--, but since I don't have a womb, I have no idea how I'd even fit in.

I just wish if I'm not a transsexual as my lack of diagnosis indicates, that I could stop feeling like I need to be a woman. I wish I could be happy as a guy.

I don't know what to do, and it seems like suicide is a more workable solution to my problems than attempting to finish up gender transition. I doubt I'd pass anyway, and the women at work are always quick to point out how sick a guy must be to want to be feminine. I don't know how to accept what I am any more. I don't think my counsellor thinks transition is right for me, but he hasn't told me either way. I don't understand how other people born male can go through gender transition and get their families on board for it all and have this supporting environment. The only conclusion I can reach is that I'm not really a woman on the inside and it's obvious to everyone around me. I'm just a loser guy, and I hate being a guy, but what else can I be?

It seems clear to me how much better women have it. They have better fashions, people trust them more (for some reason that will always escape me), and no one worries about whether their daughter is going to give them grandkids, because I don't think I know any women over 20 who don't have kids. It's easy to fail at life as a guy, maybe I just wanted the kind of easy life women have.

I'm not trying to say women are wrong for being that way. I'd probably be like that too if my family didn't need to push me so hard and worry about whether I'd ever have enough money to give them grandkids, and all I had to do was sleep with a few guys. Even if I stay a guy, I won't have enough money to start a family until I'm 40.

How can I forget about wanting to be a woman and to have a life where I can just be who I am? Is there anything good at all about being a guy for someone like me who just fails at it?

I guess I keep waiting that some day someone's going to come up to me and say, “Sorry about all that confusion there. You're really a woman. Let's help fix you up and get these horrible ideas out of your head.” Of course that's never going to happen, even though it seems I see it happen to other people when they go to therapy and come out with supportive families who want to help their new daughter deal with a medical condition. It seems like there's some stamp of approval out there I just don't qualify for. I'm the only person who sees myself as a woman, and I don't know how to just accept that I'm a guy and move on.

[Carolyn Marie]

Honey, please let me try to answer some questions and get you off of some misperceptions.

I'm sorry if this offends. I don't know where else to go to talk about these things. I feel like my life is all wrong and there's no way to change it.

You aren't being offensive, so don't worry. There is of course time and methods to change your life, and the power to do so lies almost totally within you.

I was born male, and my whole life I've wanted to be female instead. I've never understood why. I started self-medicating after high school because I simply could not stand the way my male body worked, and I eventually got a prescription from my GP. After that I got kicked out of home. My relationship with my parents has been in a constant downward spiral. At least last year my mom stopped calling me by my boy name, but I simply feel no reason to continue a relationship with the people who forced me to be male for my whole life.

I'm sorry about your situation, but you are certainly in like company here at Laura's. Many of us have lost families, spouses, children and friends. You are not alone, hon.

The only problem is I'm not sure how I feel about my gender any more, and I've never received a diagnosis for all the therapy I've been in. I currently have a job in a 95% female call center. It's been an eye-opening experience, and I think there were a few things about being a woman I hadn't realized. It was shocking to see how prevalent the attitude is that math is just something stupid for boys (or worse, something useless boys designed intentionally knowing a woman wouldn't be able to understand it). It's been really confusing, since I'm good at computers and I've always done well in math. I'm also not sure how to deal with how easy women get into relationships, seems like two or three boyfriends at a time. When I had a boyfriend, I was happy just being with him.

A lot of what you're thinking is based on stereotypes, and they are almost always wrong. The whole math and science thing is bunk; women are just as good at it as men. Its mainly that its been a male dominated field for so long, people take it for granted that its true.

I've never had a girlfriend, and the friends I had as a kid left me around middle school because no girl wants to be seen hanging around with they gay guy. I've spent so much of my life being a computer dork that I simply don't have anything in common with women. I guess not being around “real” women up until the past few years led me to believe stuff I heard from feminism rather than reality.

A lot of TS folks spent their early years in social isolation, so many of us spent years alone or in struggling relationships. I had zero girlfriends through school, and didn't marry until I was 37. So, again, you are among folks who understand.

I have a really affirming counsellor right now, but I've still never received a diagnosis. I have a letter of recommendation for a name change, but no diagnosis. I hardly dress as a guy any more except for work, and I feel more comfortable going out as a woman. I'm hoping I can start electrolysis soon, but I suppose I've lost sight of what I wanted to be.

Well, you certainly sound like you're TS to me. You don't say if your counselor is a gender specialist. If not, you really need to find one, or at least find a therapist willing to learn about the subject, in order to get the proper diagnosis and help. Does your therapist (or counselor as you call him/her) know about the Standards of Care for TG/TS clients? They need to.

I've always felt like I was a woman on the inside, but I've been wondering if being able to write computer software for example means that I'm not really a woman on the inside, and the psychologists I've seen in the past knew that.

Nope, has nothing whatsoever to do with being TS.

I used to believe that a woman could do anything a guy could do, that women wanted to be exposed to things like math, and if I was good with math that I could still be a woman who was good at math. Maybe that's wrong? I suppose in theory I still don't see why math is beyond “real” women, but most women are just concerned with having babies and letting the system take care of them.

Stereotype alert! Ding, Ding, Ding! You've got to get rid of those, hon. Sterotypes not allowed at Laura's Playground.

I just wish if I'm not a transsexual as my lack of diagnosis indicates, that I could stop feeling like I need to be a woman. I wish I could be happy as a guy.

If you are truly TS, then you will never completely stop feeling that way. It doesn't go away. You can repress it for a time - I repressed my feelings for 20 years - but they always come back. A lack of diagnosis might only mean your therapist didn't know enough about it to offer one. Did you ever just ask them?

I don't know what to do, and it seems like suicide is a more workable solution to my problems than attempting to finish up gender transition.

No, hon, wrong answer. Suicide is NEVER EVER the solution to anything except living.

I doubt I'd pass anyway, and the women at work are always quick to point out how sick a guy must be to want to be feminine. I don't know how to accept what I am any more. I don't think my counsellor thinks transition is right for me, but he hasn't told me either way. I don't understand how other people born male can go through gender transition and get their families on board for it all and have this supporting environment.

Lots of us transition later in life, and have no trouble passing. I'm 56 and pass, Sally, Elizabeth K and Donna Jean are all in their late 50's and early 60's and have no trouble passing. Don't doubt for a minute that you can too.

What I said earlier about your counselor applies to your statement above. Is he a G.T? Have you asked him what he thought? Most important of all, has he guided you to your own answer, one way or another? If not, then it doesn't seem to me like he's doing his job, if you are still totally in the dark. As to you last comment, some of us have no family support, some do, but if being a woman is what you are, and transition is what you need to do, then support or not, you will do it, because there likley isn't another option.

The only conclusion I can reach is that I'm not really a woman on the inside and it's obvious to everyone around me. I'm just a loser guy, and I hate being a guy, but what else can I be?

You are NOT a loser, and please don't say that you are. I think you are just a person in need of a better therapist.

It seems clear to me how much better women have it. They have better fashions, people trust them more (for some reason that will always escape me), and no one worries about whether their daughter is going to give them grandkids, because I don't think I know any women over 20 who don't have kids. It's easy to fail at life as a guy, maybe I just wanted the kind of easy life women have.

Sterotype alert! Aooogaa! Ding, ding, ding! OK, I agree with the fasion part, but there are a whole bunch of FtM's on this site who would beg to disagree. LOL! I know lots of women who didn't have kids until their late 30's, including my wife. I also have several family members and relatives who have no kids. It is not a requirement for being a woman. Oh, and an easy life? My mother would differ with you there, as would my wife, and lots of other women I know. Now, please put all those stereotypes and old fashioned notions in a box, lock it, and throw away the key. OK?

How can I forget about wanting to be a woman and to have a life where I can just be who I am? Is there anything good at all about being a guy for someone like me who just fails at it?

You're right, you can't forget about it, you will never be able to completely.

I guess I keep waiting that some day someone's going to come up to me and say, “Sorry about all that confusion there. You're really a woman. Let's help fix you up and get these horrible ideas out of your head.” Of course that's never going to happen..

Why not, why should it not happen to you? You are as much a woman, from what I can tell in your words, as I am, as any other TS woman is here. Stick with us, hon. We will help you all we can, but first, tell us more about this "counselor" of yours. I think that's where you need to start.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest tsubasa]

Thanks for the reply.

I wish I could get rid of the stereotypes. My co-workers insist on using sexist language (e.g. assuming that a doctor or a plumber must be male and only use the pronoun he in their writing), and it's depressing. I found out earlier this year that when I was promoted where I work, my (female) boss promoted me only because I was a guy, and she thinks that women can't do technology! I guess it was about time that male privilege did something for me, but it made me feel like crap.

I've been told a few times that I just work around horrible people, but they're the only women I interact with on a regular basis. These stereotypes I have had been getting stronger over the past 4 years until I nearly had a mental breakdown because I couldn't see myself as a woman anymore.

What should I do? I used to not believe these things, then I got a job working in a mostly female environment. And my co-workers are proud of the way they are, too. I don't know how to deal with it if I can't find a “real” woman who doesn't pride herself on being braindead and pregnant.

I went to see a gender therapist after I first started HRT. She didn't believe I was a woman at all and she recommended I just buy a strap-on vagina to have a better time in the bedroom with my bf at the time. She refused to even let me see an endocrinologist to take over my meds from my GP. I wasted so much money I really didn't have seeing her, too.

My current counsellor isn't a gender therapist. He tries to guide me into doing what I enjoy and improving my life, but I guess I just don't know what the medical world wants out of me so I can at least be a legitimate transsexual, even if I'll never be a legitimate woman.

I feel like a woman on the inside, but that's not good enough I guess. Is being a transsexual only for someone with a sister or someone who's a boy girls are attracted to or something? I can't figure out why the gender therapist I went to didn't diagnose me and refused to help me. It's like she expected that I already knew everything about being a woman, like I had been dragged into some fetish and fully brainwashed, but I guess I really have no way of learning how to be a woman. I don't even know how to put my hair in a bun.

[Carolyn Marie]

The fact that you had a G.T. doesn't guarantee that they were any good. A look through the Therapy and Therapists Forum will show you many members who have been anything but satisfied with their G.T. Your current therapist doesn't sound like he knows anything about TG issues, about the SoC, or anything else related to being TS. The fact that you still feel totally lost is testament to that, in my eyes at least.

Here is a list of Michigan G.T.'s. http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm. There aren't any on this list in your town, but perhaps another is not too far. You can also Google therapists in your town and possibly find one.

You've convinced yourself, with the assistance of some seemingly incompetent therapists, that you aren't worthy of being or feeling TS. What you feel is most important, not what a third party says about you. A good G.T. is not going to listen to you talk for a few hours and pronounce you TS; they are going to guide you into deciding for yourself if you are or are not. If you decide you are, the HRT letter serves only to show they agree with you. Only you know how you feel, only you can know that. No one can tell you that. Not me, not your therapist, not your parents.

None of us were born women. Becoming one takes time, effort, pain and money, and lots and lots of practice. That's why sites like this are necessary; to show you the way. You cannot walk into a G.T.'s office and have all the answers and a big "W" painted on your forehead attesting to your womanhood. It is a journey, and you are still on the station platform waiting to board the train.

The first thing you need to do, in my opinion, is find another therapist. The second thing, is stop doubting yourself and putting yourself down. Be proud of who you are, believe in yourself, and trust yourself. Therein lies the road to womanhood.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest tsubasa]

Thanks

[Guest mad_scientist]

The women you're hanging around with don't represent women any more than boorish, beer-swilling mosigynists represent men, trust me.