Hi There

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hello! This is my first post. I'm new to this whole scene, but it is great to know that there is some support out there. So...where do I start? I'm 30 years old and I'm exploring the possibility that I may be trans. Since I was a child, I was never happy with a female gender role. I played army, had toy guns and action figures, and only hung out with guys. For all intents and purposes, I grew up as a little boy. In fact, I never really had any close female friends until high school. Puberty sucked. As the girls and the boys gradually became more differentiated groups and the interactions between them changed, I felt more and more left out and marginalized. I didn't like boys. I liked girls. It felt natural to like girls and I always assumed I'd marry one. I was shocked to find out how rigidly kept the gender lines were! Being from a religious, conservative family in the south, this was not something to admit publically. To cover it up, I dated a guy, all the while hoping that my problems would somehow work themselves out. I guess I figured that if I played the game, eventually I would conform to the role. As far as I knew, it was like this for everyone. Though I did find it odd that I didn't have "crushes" on guys. In retrospect, I used my relationship with one guy to keep from having to deal with the expectation that I have relationships with other guys. You know how it is out there. Girls date guys. If you don't, you are strange. If you live in the conservative southeastern U.S., this goes double.

Well, now here I am at 30, asking myself the same questions. Why don't I like the things other girls like? Why do I feel more at home hanging out with guys than girls? Why can't I be happy in a female gender role? I really don't feel like a lesbian. Mostly I just feel like I have been somehow cheated by nature. My life would have been so much more harmonious if I had been a guy! Then there would have been no need to hide who I am so completely. The only person I have ever been in love with was a woman. For 2 wonderful years, we were together. Then, because I was female, we ended up going our separate ways. If only I had been honest with myself back then. We probably could have had a normal life together.

Right now I am still identifying as female, using female pronouns, etc... Even though I've dated girls and guys, I'm not out to anyone except a very, very select few people. As far as most people know, I'm a masculine, eccentric, and puzzling but still heterosexual female. However, I think at first glance I come off as being pretty butch. I don't wear makeup. I've stopped shaving my legs and stopped apologizing for not doing so. Most of my clothes are men's clothes, but it's mostly polos, t-shirts, and baggy jeans, so maybe I come off as androgynous. Anyway, I'm thinking about seeing a therapist to try to work some of this stuff out. Lately I've found myself really discontented with this area of my life. How I feel and how I look are constantly at odds with one another. Deep down, I know I should have been male. The older I get, the harder this has been for me...though you'd think it would be the opposite way. I've been looking at a lot of FTM websites lately and am thinking of seeing a gender therapist in the near future.

Wow. Sorry this was so long!

[Guest Chris_421]

Hey there and welcome!

I think you seeing a gender therapist is a great idea, it can really help you work that out, and if you do find that transitioning is the thing for you, then hopefully they will lead you in the right direction.

[MaryEllen]

Hello StrandedOutThere,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Hey StrandedOutThere, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. In childhood I too felt more and more left out and marginalized after a certain age where girls and boys drifted off into their respective groups. When very young I also played a variation of 'army' with my toys, but I think you could better call it 'war'. Later on in early adulthood and onward people did consider me to be a masculine, eccentric and often puzzling female. I still come off as a somewhat unusual person who doesn't really fit in but likes to talk to everybody, I suppose you could say. I also often feel that I was cheated by nature. I'm somewhat younger than you, but otherwise we seem to have some issues in common.

Well, I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Solomon

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Thanks Solomon! It's always nice to find a kindred spirit.

[Guest Just_Call_Me_Nick]

Hello there and welcome to the forum...and to the family....

Nick~