Putting Away My Things

[Guest SamanthaJane]

Well, you know what they say. Two steps forward one step back.

Wife found some hairs in the sink from my wig, and my nail polish I left on which triggered another conversation, starting out at either be more open with her or get better at hiding it.

Some of her main concerns were if this continues, when will it stop? From her eyes it has been gradually becoming more serious since before we were married, and she doesn't understand the stress relief and comfort I experience if I am not doing this for mere "physical gratification". We are without children at this point, but we both want around 2 kids. Neither of us want to expose our kids unnecessarily to my cding, and the only options she sees are:

1. Dad locks himself in a room for hours on end, or 2. He has some kind of environment outside the home.

Neither of us wants either one of those scenarios. She even mentioned not having kids at all, which is not a sacrifice I am willing to make.

So today I am taking all of "Samantha's" possessions and bagging them up. We both agreed that purging wouldn't be wise at this point. So in the attic or the basement it will go. Neither one of us honestly believes that this is something that will go away, but we hope that our communication regarding my needs and feelings will become much improved.

I really feel I owe it to her to get beyond the secrecy, she is tired of surprises, and fears how the frequency will effect our future family. She has agreed to be my "support group", and knows I will be talking to her about it when I am feeling the compulsions to dress. I told her I am interested in exploring my male personality to find things I enjoy doing. (see my other topic, two sides merging)

That being said, the optimal goal of this experiment will be that I can move beyond the need to crossdress. I have read the resources and everything I have ever read on this topic states that you can never get rid of it, so I realize that this may be just a futile exercise. But I do owe it to myself to really see if I can be normal, as this has been my burning desire ever since I was 12.

I love you guys, and I just really needed to get this out on "paper". I feel disappointed, like I am continuously betraying my wife's explicit support by hiding the things I buy, and the dressing itself, and I am afraid, because now I am more unsure of where my life is headed than before.

Thanks for "listening"

Samantha

[Guest sarah f]

Samantha all I can say is Good Luck. I hope things work out for you. Me personally, I tried pushing it off time and time again but it kept coming back stronger and stronger until I couldn't take it anymore. We will still be here if you need to talk.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Samantha.....

I'll have to give you credit for trying so hard to make things work with your wife and all..

And you even admit that you know that it probably won't go away..(everything points to that...)

But, remember...after you CD, in a short amount of time you'll be her husband again and things will be reletivily normal for her.

Us MTF's don't have that sort of dynamic...we can't go back to male....we can't go back to being the husband...

So, what I'm saying, Hon....is with some work on both of your parts, you can have a happy and successful marrige with the CD'ing included..

I'm wishing you the very best!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Penelope]

Hi Samantha,

For most of my life I found the urge to cross dress a confounded nuisance, and tried to suppress it. Last year I became sensible enough to accept it and to explore my feminine side. I still have a lot of interests that could be classified as male and happily present as such for most of the time.

You might be able to put dressing away for a while but I fear it will come back one day and, if my experience is anything to go by, stronger than before.

You are wise to keep your wife fully informed about your inclinations. I made the mistake of keeping mine hidden from my significant other. They were an unpleasant discovery for her and a jolt to her trust in me. She doesn't understand them and is not keen to know the details, but but at least she is now aware.

Good luck. Please feel free to PM if you want.

Penny

[Sally]

It is so sad that CDing for male bodied individuals is so reviled by our society while as my friend JohnJ said he had been cross dressing for years but it was acceptable.

Girls don male clothing and go about their business without any problems - boots, blue jeans, tee shirt and plaid shirt hanging open - the Lumberjack look was in for so long but let a man put on a skirt and heels and he is a pervert - double standards are an abomination whether they work in your favor or not.

As to not purging, that is a good decision because I had done that so many times, I was sure that I could stop - I couldn't, it always came back stronger.

It is a part of you much like your nose, it goes with you wherever you go.

Good Luck.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ChloëC]

Samantha,

I don't know if this has been mentioned before, but your wife is very welcome to comme here and see what Laura's is all about, see what's been posted, maybe ask a question or two. We do have a forum for spouses where she can see how others are dealing with it and maybe share or find out a little more. I understand this may be difficult for you and for her, but sometimes seeing there are others may help her gain a better understanding.

Purging really doesn't work as others have said. First, it get's expensive when you start rebuilding your wardrobe, but mostly it makes you feel really bad that you're 'failing' in your resolution to stop. That's a terrible feeling and it can hurt your marriage by making you feel bad for lying to your spouse again. And she again may find out which would really cause problems.

The best way of course would be for your spouse to realize you truly love her. And for you two to come to a compromise. Give and take. It's amazing we all feel that's how it should be, but sometimes the doing is a lot harder than the feeling.

I hope things work out for you. We'll always be here to lend an ear, or offer suggestions.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Opal]

Well, everyone has pretty well expressed my feelings on this. Yes, do not purge. It is a pure waste of nice things. Wish you and your wife the best on this.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest SamanthaJane]

Just had my first chance to check in since writing you before work this morning. Thank you all for your support.

We both definitely agree that ignoring it or pretending this isn't a part of me is naive and counterproductive. In fact she was very hesitant to take this step as she is aware enough to know that it would just return stronger if we tried to just stamp it all out and pretend it was never an issue.

We talked about me finding a hobby, I've always gotten great satisfaction from anything that utilizes my creative side, and partially thanks to all of you, I'm no longer limited by stereotype boundaries that would keep my creative side suppressed.

I really think that taking this approach will either solidify or help me understand my feelings. And in the process, being able to recognize all aspects of my personality in day to day life, maybe I can really be happy without it being such a polarized "switch" to this part of me I keep compartmentalized.

Update on the day:

After I posted earlier, the wife got up, and I began bagging up my girly items, keeping cosmetics and such in a ziplock, and carefully folding everything else. The struggle must have been apparent, as my wife came to my side upon seeing I was following through here and held me. I was just content to be held at that moment.

My work day has been fairly average so far. There is a mild sense of loss, but not as bad knowing that it is not gone, just put away. A couple of the girls at one of the offices I work for were wearing super cute shoes, and gassing up at speedway I swear I clocked a pair of MTFs (based on facial bone structure, heavy makeup and younger dress for their apparent age. They were both beautiful. Maybe it was my imagination) Even the songs on the radio seem to scream reminders of what I did this morning. I haven't felt a real need to return to being Samantha, but I think the significance of seeing this part of me wrapped up in a neat little package is speaking to me.

Overall: I think things are going better than I thought they would today.

Forecast: I still think the outcome will be a return to some degree of dressing, but with the both of us on the same page, and having worked out boundaries and compromises.

[Guest Cris]

Hi Samantha,

I hope you and your wife can come to a decision at some point to allow this side of you in your lives. Maybe even just fem up the day to day clothes may help you get what you need while still presenting male.

I wish you the best on your decisions in life. Just be open and communicate with your wife. Honesty is a far better policy than trying to hide those feelings

Cris