Strong And Beautiful

[Guest Amber_Anisah]

Decided to make another topic when the other topics seemed, not for me.

I don't know how to fully explain this feeling of internal shifting is like, but I do like to think I am not completely alone when I talk about it. I feel new to it, and feel I don't belong. Simple as that. I just need confirmation that I am in the wrong.

I didn't enlist to feel "manly" or to destroy these feminine needs/wants/cravings. I originally joined to find myself. Hope to think you old girls know what I say: "Be all you can be." I truly believe in that recruitment phrase, full heartedly. Which to me was funny in a sense when during Basic Training my feelings grew stronger and had no focus as too what the hell it ment. I was too scared between Drill Sergeants barking and worried if I was going to eat that night to learn more. It was AIT when I fully discovered who the hell I was and what was going on. I was on my bunk from a meditation session when I felt heavy tears hitting my legs when I finally opened my eyes and said that I was a women in the army competing against a bunch of boys as equals. I didn't know what to do about it, or how to handle it. Shortly I befriended another beautiful women a couple months from graduation and we talked about our pasts and found that I wasn't alone in my quest of self. After a couple weeks, I opened up to my sister for the first time in years about what I was really feeling and felt to relieved. She always wanted an older sister, someone she could always talk to and finally feel happy herself when we were kids; not fully understanding what this was doing to my psyche as positive reinforcment. She asked me to leave the Army, leave my family, leave everything to live with her and jump head first into SRS which surprised the crap out of me how much she knew about all this. But what she doesn't have, you all do. As Soldiers, Marines, Sailors, and Airmen (hate using the M word). Its were I feel that to fully can embrace myself as both a woman and as a soldier. "Be all you can be" with your strength and beauty.

Yeah, beauty has its form of strength. And strength can be beautiful to see in action (for those that understand). But its that step between wearing that uniform with the utmost pride of everything you visually represent, until you see that one pregnant civilian, or even that soldier our of uniform just having a ball being super girly girl. I can't go home and take my beret off to let my hair down. I can't take my jacket and under shirt off to be able breath easier since a sport bra is tighter worn than regular bras. I can't take off my boots and walk up to my mate and feel the hardened soldier melt away as the true hidden beauty emerges. I go take a shower, and only see empty filth laden fingers try and hid that horribly built face to ever be seen. I just feel, empty, lost, lonely, and all in all unwanted. I came to serve just like everyone of you had/are and need that feeling of whole completeness in oneself as that beauty behind those push ups. To be honest, I don't think I will ever have that sensation in this lifetime.

Its those times that make me wonder I am doing the right thing, a soldier as a hiding women in a man's world. But when I do get to hear my mate take, it helps ease my tears. Its people like Diane Schroer that makes me feel I can accomplish the world. But for those times and days just I can't feel like I could see those blue skys: I hope its you I can get to hear from and learn from. Because meditation, music, and painting can make a girl happy for so long before she needs interaction. To make her feel real, to know she feels that she can get a 'Go' at this station.

What makes your beauty strong, oe better yet; what makes your strength beautiful? What do you do to be all you can be to see your next day?

[Guest Gloria13]

Hi,

I guess each of us went into the service looking for answers. I know I went in trying to disprove the feelings I had deep inside, trying to please my Father and lastly I joined trying to control my destiny as the draft was looming, the Viet Nam war was in full swing. I was a very confused kid! Inside I felt I was a young woman, but outside I was male, there was very little information out for a farm kid from Ohio to find other than the tabloids or adult bookstores.

I graduated and spent the summer on an island in Lake Eire then I turned 18 and had to register for the draft, so I joined the Navy, scored in the upper 5% on the GCT/ARI testing and was placed as a Corpsman, it turned out the compassion of the woman inside served me well in this line of work. Was sent to the 3rd Marines in Viet Nam, it was during this time while recovering from a wound that I found and article that gave me a peek at what might be going on.

The article on this forum that moved me to write this was titled Strong and Beautiful, I think she needed to add one more word to the title, Brave! The courage and strength it takes to be transgendered is astronomical, I can't think of another word that fits here. You go through life play acting, trying to please those around you and placing their happiness above any feelings you might have. I was forced into sports by a father that was living vicariously through me, I wrestled, played football and baseball for him, I lifted weights for me trying to be all I could be for my father. While attached to the Marines I had 42 men that trusted me in combat with their lives, and my deeply hid maternal instinct kicked in, these were my guys and I would willingly lay down my life for them.. no questions asked. I was willing to die for these guys and at the same time I also knew that if they found out the truth about me they would abandon me or so I thought. This is the level of courage and strength and bravery that Transgendered people had and have to put forth. PS: When I was in transition while working for the postal service it was the Vets, mostly Marines that were my strongest supporters, to them I was still "Doc" no matter what.

Gloria HM1/USN/Ret

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Amber.....

Here's from another Ohio girl that went to 'Nam...

I was in the Air Force ...a loadmaster on C-130's...hauled trash all over several countries over there...I was 19 and scared a lot...I didn't want to get my butt shot off...

And like Gloria, I was trying to depress my Donna Jean....and there were some scary times that gender didn't matter at all...

I wore women's underwear under my flight suit so I sure didn't want to get captured!

After the service I did many, many male macho things to try to control my feelings..

It like to of killed me but never had the desired effect of making the woman in me go away...

So, here I am at 60...transitioning...

Do me a favor, Honey....please, PLEASE find yourself sooner than I did....

You can have a long, happy life...

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean