Relationships.

[Guest okayokay]

just curious. i have a boyfriend of 7 months and he knows im a transsexual. hes very accepting of it and identifies me as a girl (using the correct pronouns, the name i want to go by, etc.) and he shows interest when i discuss everything relating to being trans. i mean, our relationship isnt perfect but i am blessed to have him

but i was just wondering. when do you come out to someone that youre interested in? if you passed very well and the person you were fond of couldnt tell that you were once the opposite gender, would you not tell them? or would you go "hey, im a transsexual. just thought you should know" from the beginning? i think transsexuals are being more accepted because i hear many stories of the significant other going "okay. so? i dont care. you are who you are and ill accept that."

so your thoughts and comments on this. thanksss

[Paula ult]

I go out of my way to avoid getting involved with someone till after surgery, my ex was also trans, FtM so it was a bit different.

If and when i meet someone i will tell them only if it starts to get serious, or after the 3rd date if it looks like it is going somewhere, on the first date i would not tell unless asked.

Paula

[Guest kelise]

I told my girlfriend the night we met, albeit the END of the night we met.

I sat down next to her at the bar, smiled at her. She smiled back. I asked her what she was drinking. She answered, then told me she had seen me at the bar several times before. I said I'm a regular, the DJ's my best friend. We went through all the other ice breaker questions about work, etc. Then I asked her to dance. We danced for a while, then I introduced her to my friends. The electricity was there, so we exchanged numbers and made plans to have lunch the next day. My friend wanted to leave, so I told her I had to go, but before I did, I wanted to make sure she was aware of something. I asked her what she knew about transsexuality. She asked if that's what I was. I said yes, and I would be happy to answer any questions or concerns she had about it. She said "Whoa." then thought a bit, and told me that when she was in the closet, she had been with a few guys, and she just couldn't stand their.... I said, "Don't worry, I can't either." We laughed, and stayed up all night texting about it, until she was comfortable. We had lunch, and the rest is history.

[Guest April63]

Well you have two options: sooner or later.

If you go with telling your date sooner, you have the increased chance of the relationship ending on the spot. But if the relationship doesn't end, you have the confidence that your date supports you, or at least accepts you and doesn't mind.

If you go with later, you get to have a relationship, but your partner might dump you or feel betrayed when you do come out.

I personally would go with the sooner option, because that way you have more confidence and you're not wasting your time with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

[Guest okayokay]

hmmmm.

another question: how would you handle a break up?

like my boyfriend and i are fine, but when we fight, i always wonder: what if we're over? like...will someone else accept me and love me too?

break ups are hard in general. but i feel as a transsexual that it would be even harder just because of our situations.

[Guest April63]

Yes, someone else with love you! Breakups can be hard, because all you want is the person back, but things will change with time. You could try to fight back, but that might or might not work...

[Guest DawnK]

I've wondered about this myself for some time. Just telling my wife that I dressed was enough to cause her to withdraw. That makes me tend to believe that if I ever get into another relationship, I'll need to be up front, because I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone again.

As for when, I think it's important to tell them 'before' there is any physical contact, i.e. hugging, kissing, etc. Women may tend to be more accepting of such contact, but in the eyes of many men that I know, they would see it as having relations with another man, no matter how far the transitions have progressed. And sadly, some who've waited until after there had been physical contact of some sort have been hurt or killed when their male partner found out.

Society is changing, but the vast majority of people I know still view us as freaks. It may be different where you live, but living in Arkansas, many of the old prejudices are alive and well.

[Guest AshleyRF]

IMO, before it gets in any way intimate you should tell them.

[Guest someone else]

I've given this lots of thought. I feel like not telling is the whole point of surgery. I'll qualify this if I may. Had I been younger, much younger, like 20 years ago and transitioned then I would have raced straight to surgery. I feel like not having it done would be hard to explain to someone you want to date. You know... "I think you're cute too but by the way I have a penis." You know? Cause it is always easier to come out with the tough nuts before there is a commitment. At the begining there is nothing to lose. If I had surgery though, I would tell I suppose if there came a time when you started talking about children and why you can't have them, or when marriage became a serious topic. Other than that though, I don't think I'd ever say a thing. Now though, being 40 and married, I don't feel the need to even have surgery. I mean, I'm accepted, sex is healthy and fulfilling for us both and I have already had that uncomfortable discussion.

[Guest KimberlyF]

hmmmm.

another question: how would you handle a break up?

like my boyfriend and i are fine, but when we fight, i always wonder: what if we're over? like...will someone else accept me and love me too?

break ups are hard in general. but i feel as a transsexual that it would be even harder just because of our situations.

A lot of things are sometimes harder at times for us. Like finding a love or even a job etc. But you have to always remember that you are worth loving and don't compromise yourself. I hope your boyfriend and you are always happy with each other. But if it gets to that point, don't ever feel that you're worth less than anyone else and you have to stay in a relationship because you may never have another one.

Kim

[Sally]

My wife left me and I must admit that the marriage had been strained and pretty much loveless from very early on, I am not in a relationship at the moment and I am actually much happier than when I was in a bad one.

Never underestimate yourself, not only are you worthy of a loving relationship but just as capable of finding one as anyone else - besides a certain amount of freedom in one's life is not always a bad thing.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest miss kindheart]

It is a difficult question.

Most of us don't feel the need to run around and tell people we are TS.

But if we are serious about being with someone we truly care about, and want to share ourselves with them, It is normal to feel the need to say it.

I hid from my wife for 15 years, before I told her about me.

We all make mistakes, I try very hard now to be honest about everything now, I do believe in honesty, but not telling isn't really being dishonest.

I remember when i was young and had a girl friend who I told personal things about me to.

We eventually broke up and she was mad at me , and told everyone. She use it to hurt me

I am sorry I wasn't better help okay

<<<<< hug >>>>>

vanna

[Guest AshleyRF]

I'm sorry but anyone who doesn't inform their partner before things get intimate deserve everything they get when they do find out (and they will). This is how many transwomen end up being killed every year. I don't care how well you pass, eventually this is going to catch up with you and you are playing with someones emotions here not just your own. If you really do love that person you would tell them. They have EVERY right to know. You are not a GG nor will you ever be a GG so face up to the truth of it and tell them before they and you get hurt over it.

No one is saying to tell everyone you meet or even everyone you date. If it's just a date, who cares, hell if it's even a one night stand of sex, no big deal, but once you are talking love.... you must tell the truth.

[Guest kelise]

I'm sorry but anyone who doesn't inform their partner before things get intimate deserve everything they get when they do find out (and they will). This is how many transwomen end up being killed every year. I don't care how well you pass, eventually this is going to catch up with you and you are playing with someones emotions here not just your own. If you really do love that person you would tell them. They have EVERY right to know. You are not a GG nor will you ever be a GG so face up to the truth of it and tell them before they and you get hurt over it.

No one is saying to tell everyone you meet or even everyone you date. If it's just a date, who cares, hell if it's even a one night stand of sex, no big deal, but once you are talking love.... you must tell the truth.

Ouch! Harsh much?

I think that's the underlining emotional issue here - The Truth.

Before I go on, let me reiterate that I did tell my GF the first night we met, and was succesful!

However, if I walk up to someone and say "I am a Woman!" am I not telling the truth? I think I am. If I walk up to someone and say "I am NOT a transsexual", then sure, I'm lying. But frankly, who would walk up to someone and say EITHER of those things?

I agree that in the interest of one's own safety, and increasing the odds a relationship may sprout, status should be disclosed before intimate relations occur. But excluding that, I don't see it being necessary. I am a WOMAN. Anyone I sleep with, is sleeping with a WOMAN. If someone doesn't see it that way, they are a victim of the ignorance of society, not me. I mean as long as we're talking about what "everyone" should do, we should discuss those OUTSIDE the trans community too, am I right?

This is one thing I'm so torn on. On one hand, I hate seeing people get hurt because of this, while on the other, I DISPISE being accused of lying just because I don't wear a sign around my neck saying "LOOK OUT! I'm a TRANSSEXUAL!"

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Relationships are complicated and there is no one way to handle them. All opinions and approaches to intimate relationships are valid. Each person must decide for themselves when it is appropriate to discuss one's past. There are cases where "transitioning" was never relevant. In other cases, it is very important to disclose. Establishing a trustful relationship is complicated and demands sensitivity and patience.

Love and closeness is not directly tied to being transgendered. The problematic cases that we have all heard about is when the partner discovers that their partner is trans outside of the relationship. Sadly, this leads to a feeling of betrayal and even worse consequences. With that said, in many cases, divulging that one is transgendered early in the relationship is not warranted. Each relationship, as each person is... unique.

If and when the time arises that one must divulge the past, that will be clear. To help answer this question is to ask yourself in what social circles does your partner participate in. If there is an overlap from your past, then realize that your past will come to the present very quickly and out of your control.

The foundation of all good relationships is trust. Trust implies safety. Never feel that with-holding that one is transgendered is a violation of that trust. As I have said before, being transgendered does not have to be the secret lie in most relationships. In most cases, the fact that one transitioned is irrelevant.

A very important part of transitioning is to be able to establish relationships as your true self. Your old self, in most cases, is not relevant, and was never you in the first place

All Love

Brenda

[Guest okayokay]

the three things i must have in a relationship are: trust, communication, and the ability to be comfortable with one another no matter what

so, what i get from this is...you should tell that you are trans before it gets intimate but it isnt a must if its just one date or something not that big of a deal. but everyone works at their own pace. dont mislead the person and its okay if you dont get the reaction you desire because there will be another person who will accept and love you. hope for the best, prepare for the worst and be safeee

[Guest kelise]

so, what i get from this is...you should tell that you are trans before it gets intimate but it isnt a must if its just one date or something not that big of a deal. but everyone works at their own pace. dont mislead the person and its okay if you dont get the reaction you desire because there will be another person who will accept and love you. hope for the best, prepare for the worst and be safeee

Exactly!

[Guest AshleyRF]

Never said you were not a woman... just not a GG. I'd also feel the same if a GG has some medical reason that might hinder their ability to function within the norms of societies expectations of a lifetime relationship (i.e. that she could not give that person a family through biological means or something on those lines). Being a woman is way different than being GG. None of us will ever be GG no matter how much we wish we were so therefore we can bring to a long term relationship the same things that a GG could.

It goes beyond this however. It is a fact that many people would look at us (no matter what we look like) and say we are not women. What if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't know but if they did know would not look at you as a woman. It is their right to not view you as a woman.

[Guest okayokay]

Never said you were not a woman... just not a GG. I'd also feel the same if a GG has some medical reason that might hinder their ability to function within the norms of societies expectations of a lifetime relationship (i.e. that she could not give that person a family through biological means or something on those lines). Being a woman is way different than being GG. None of us will ever be GG no matter how much we wish we were so therefore we can bring to a long term relationship the same things that a GG could.

It goes beyond this however. It is a fact that many people would look at us (no matter what we look like) and say we are not women. What if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't know but if they did know would not look at you as a woman. It is their right to not view you as a woman.

i know what you mean. despite the body we were born in, we believe we are women because of how we feel and how we think. were women inside of a body. but others would be like "you werent born with a vagina, so youre not a woman." itll just be an argument thatll go in circles, really

[Guest AshleyRF]

as I said.. if you don't divulge, you deserve what you get. I personally don't blame men or lesbian women for not wanting to be with one of us when they find out.

[Guest ChloëC]

Ashley, the problem I have is where does one draw a line, if any. Should someone on the first date say - I had a same sex relationship once, I tried drugs once, I had polio (fill in any disease) once, my wardrobe is outdated; or let's say someone is trying to set someone else up for a date and has given a number, should one of the parties on the phone call say, well, I'm ugly, I failed in school, my parents killed each other...or one of my parents is of a different race, I wasn't raised Christian (fill in the blank).

Exactly what on the first date or even prior to that should one reveal as being pertinent to a first date? I agree completely with coming forward. And I think that each and every situation probably needs to be evaluated and determined when would be best. Definitely before total initimacy, but in meeting someone for the first time, there's a lot more going on than background issues - mainly having a feeling of liking someone enough for what they are at the moment so as to consider wanting to meet them again and explore the relationship a little deeper. And sometimes that feeling can overcome issues that in the past, society would not only have looked down upon but pulled the guns out (dating someone of a different race, for example).

Many people have prejudicial feelings based more on the cultural identity they grew up in rather than actually getting to know someone their parents would have hated. It happens all the time. They meet someone, find out they have a lot of shared interests and beliefs, take each step carefully, explore more and more, and fall in love. Parents find out, disown them, but they join together, have a happy life, children if desired (lots of different ways), life goes on.

Exactly how is being transgendered today different than same sex relationships several years ago, different race relationships a number of years, different religion relationships a lot of years ago.

Nowadays, we barely ask for those other 'identities'. We get to know the person as a person, not on who their parents were, not on if they were raised differently. We get to know them as they are now. As each facet of their background comes out, we look at that and determine if that's a deal breaker.

Everybody is worth a look and a consideration and a moment to see if there is an emotional compatibility. Other aspects can and should come out as a natural progression.

I agree that some people may go ballistic if they find out the person they have been seeing is transgendered. But people have also gone ballistic finding out the person they are seeing is part racially different, is Missouri Synod Lutheran rather than Wisconsin synod, was born the wrong side of the tracks, is ugly upon that first blind date. That will happen and will continue to happen and it has less to do with someone being transgendered, and to me, more to do with the other person being bigoted. That's the barrier I hope we're trying to reduce - tho it will never go away.

But that's my opinion.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Elizabeth K]

IMO, before it gets in any way intimate you should tell them.

AGREE

Lizzy

[Guest ChloëC]

I've just barely touched the surface on what one can 'tell', on or before that first date. How about if you were raped (m or f)- by a stranger, by a relative, by a close relative, how about if you had a miscarriage, how about if you are genetically and emotionally one gender but you have some limiting gender related disabilities, how about if your parents had STDs when you were conceived but you were given up for adoption, how about if you had sexual relationships 100 times, or 10 times, or just 1 time but it was protected, or your father kicked you out of the house because he didn't like your choice in lifestyles, how about if you had a number of very graphic tattoos but had them removed, how about you were a member of a satanic type cult that did some grisly (non-human, tho) things, but have renounced it?

Let's try some simpler things, you have an arrest record? you do but it was expunged? Yes in one but no in the other? Why? You were still arrested. What was the crime? trespassing? jaywalking? a minor traffic ticket? violent? protesting discrimination? peaceful protest like a sit in? violent like throwing things at officials? does one matter and others not?

My god the list can go on and on. Where do you draw a line? Is being transgendered the only line? I find that extremely discriminating if that's anyone's only thought.

I will say again because I lived it. I didn't tell my first spouse about my cross-dressing and my life would be one gigantic cesspool right now if I did. We have a very successful child from that marriage (who I fought and won custondy of, btw) who also has serious problems dealing with the mother, and grandchildren who also have serious problems dealing with her. And they all enjoy my visits and coming to see me. I came out to my second spouse early in our marriage. After 32 years, I'm still not sure that was the right thing, because I know divorces can become very, very ugly. I hope it was, and so far so good (said the man falling off a building as he passed each floor). I did it right. Luck or not, it doesn't matter because that can be debated forever, it has worked for me. I made choices and they were the right ones at the right time, and for the right reasons.

You pick and choose your moments. There probably is never a best moment to divulge a past indiscretion, a past life, a past change in lifestyles, but there are right moments. It's up to each person to figure out when and how. The sooner the better of course, but someone else's arbitrary selection of a moment is not one of them.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I am not post-op and I have not had a situation of potential intimacy as I was married when diagnosed. I am still pre-op and this is likely to continue for a while - but I am separated now, so this all become a reasonable concern.

Veronica, by old college roommate, is almost 4 years post-op. She has adted men, but by her accounts has only been partially intimate with one. She had a good friendship going with a single guy in her apartment complex and eventually told him about her past. He was still interested in her afterward but she cooled it down because she didn't see him as a good potential husband.

Vee's opinion? Tell a person you are dating AFTER if they develop a serious interest in you and want to take it to intimacy - NOT before.

BUT - if you are already married and just became diagnosed - OMG, that is a serious problem. It WILL come to that - eventually, and you will be forced to tell you atre trans - or at best, crossdressing. Two things happen - both bad. "WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME EARLIER" is the bssis of both. In either case you either 'betrayed' your spouse - or you are "just confused and it will go away."

Just what I see...

Lizzy

[Guest kelise]

as I said.. if you don't divulge, you deserve what you get. I personally don't blame men or lesbian women for not wanting to be with one of us when they find out.

I'm sorry if I'm incorrect, but this sounds a lot to me like you condone violence against members of our community. Surely as a Moderator, you can see how incendiary this view is. That's like blaming a rape victim for the rape because they dressed too provocatively. I'm sorry I HAVE to play devil's advocate here, because again, while I am personally in favor of telling up front, I cannot with good conscience turn a blind eye to this statement.