Not An Identity Crisis...

[Guest NatashaJade]

We try to figure ourselves out. Not just transfolk, but all people. Well, okay. Some people never give their identity a second thought. They are who they are and being that person is easy. But...I have never really felt that being me was easy. I want to just be me, whoever that may be. It's sometimes hard for me to articulate the nature of this problem...the problem of being me. I'm not trying to be a woman because, as I perceive things, I am a woman of a kind. This is not to deny that I have a strong male aspect. So am I attempting to erase the person I have been to become someone else? No. Emphatically No. I am myself. But (and this is an important "but") I want to bring the stronger female aspect of myself to the foreground and allow the male aspect to become less...pronounced.

Will this change me? The me that I am? Well, yes. For one, I'll be more relaxed around people. In my perception, the male aspect of my personality is tense and ill at ease, insecure in all things. In my perception, it is the female aspect of me that is more confident and comfortable.

Again, this is not a personality issue, for I am always myself, no matter what aspect I exhibit. I do not see myself as "her" or "him" but as "me." I don't blame "him" for the problems in my life and I don't become "her" and, like magic, am suddenly Miss Congeniality. The difference to people around me is almost imperceptible. You're not talking to "her" one day and "him" the next. But me in different states of being me.

This is confusing, right? Well, yes. It is. When I go to work in the morning, I feel as if I have to present the male aspect more clearly. It's not that I'm being Macho or manly, but for me, it's just a feeling of being a man. When I leave, I can let that tension go, relax and the female aspect moves forward. Does this mean I attempt to act like a woman? Hopefully not. I'm not pretending to be a woman. nor am I pretending to be a man as it were. I am just being myself as I need to be under a given set of circumstances.

The problem in explaining all of this is that if you have never gone through it, you cannot really understand it completely. After all, even you you have examined yourself and understand yourself, you are probably confident that who you are is who you are and it never varies. You may not understand the act of emphasis.

But the fact is you do it, too. When you go to work, if you are an employee, you put yourself under the control of other people. You must change aspects in some small way to cope with the lack of control you now have. When you leave and regain control of your self, you can let the worker you go and allow yourself to be more of the self that you feel you are. Some people suddenly grow brave on the drive home and yell at their boss or coworker from afar... they allow a different aspect of themselves to come out when no one else is there to see them. They do not become a different person, a different personality. They just present a different aspect of their natural selves.

That is how it is for me, but I am very conscious of the aspects of myself right now. I can control how I present to a greater degree because I have learned to recognize who I am both inside and out and I understand the feeling of difference.

So why transition at all? Why take hormones? Why give name to the female aspect of myself?

Well, I take hormones because I want to emphasize the female aspect of me to the greatest degree possible. I am most comfortable as "her" and the hormones have done nothing but make that crystal clear to me. I am more in control of me now, crying jags or no, then I have ever been in my life. There is a "rightness" to the way I process the world that I did not have before. Again, it is hard to explain, but it is there.

The physical changes? Well, it is gender dysphoria. The discomfort with being in a male body is real. As my body has changed, that has lessened to a degree, but not totally, nor will it ever completely. Even if I were to go the entire route, I do not believe that the dysphoria would be gone completely. You cannot erase the effects of the Y chromosome so completely that you feel totally right with the universe. But I accept the things I can change as being good and allowing me a better sense of what it is to be a woman.

I think that is all we can really ask of this process. To have the best possible sense of what it is to be female in the world.

What about the name? Why Virginia? When you refer to your male aspect by one name and your female by another, it sounds a little like a split personality. Ok, sure. I can see where you would think that. I wrote an email to Jenny Boylan and, in it, I referred to myself in the third person and she rightfully chided me for it. But I have to do it for a second to discuss this, so please forgive me. When I am Jonathan to the world, I do not think of Virginia as a separate person. When I am Virginia to the world, I do not think of Jonathan as a separate person. I would just have you note that I refer to being in the world and what I mean by this is which aspect of myself I perceive as being the dominant one. Right now, as I write this, I perceive myself to be Virginia writing this. This is not Jonathan's blog because I do not write here with that aspect at the foreground. So I sign the blog as Gin or Virginia because that is the correct appellation. In this wonderful computer world, all you know me as is who I claim to be and how I present to you. If I claim to be female or transfemale, you either take me at my word or you don't, but at least when it comes to names, you use the one I have provided for you.

Sounds crazy, right? So when you're talking to me, how do you know what to call me?

Don't worry too much about it. I've been Jonathan all my life. However, if I am actively presenting as female not only in aspect, but in dress, it won't be too hard for you to figure out that it may not be socially appropriate to call me Jonathan and that Virginia may just be a more appropriate name for me at that given moment (and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I hear it in reference to me because it's an acknowledgment of the fact that I am a woman). I have really thick skin when it comes to this, so I am not going to run crying if you use Jonathan because that is how you have always known me. After all, I am just me, whatever the name may be. If there ever comes a point when I present the female aspect all the time, and there is no certainty in this because there is no certainty in anything...at this time, I am not close to that place in any real state of things, so it is not really an issue right now, at that time I would probably retire the name Jonathan from use, but not from memory.

So I hope this all makes some kind of sense. I'm sure you're still confused. But trust me when I say that I'm not. I know myself, probably now more than ever. And I'm still me, just in a better place.

Love to you all...

[Guest ChloëC]

I think I understand a little, Gin.

However to me, it goes somewhat deeper (if it can) or maybe a little tangential - who am I? What makes me, me? Is it my past memories of events that took place and helped shape my life? Is my genetic coding that pushes me in certain directions (physical AND emotional)?

If I didn't have all that, would I still be me? Imagine, your memories are gone (or vastly different), your genetic coding is different. Of course, you wouldn't be you (besides everything else, there would be no point). Well, how much of a change can I go through to still be me? Change some of my memories, make some physical changes that will affect how I live?

See, to me, I'm still me, because of all the past. I can change things about my life to give myself new memories as I go, but the old ones are still there. I can change some physical things to 'trick' my genetic code into thinking something's different, but that is a present and future action, that will add to my memories and not change any of my past DNA.

So, for better or worse, I'm still me. And that includes this feeling inside that I want to present differently at times (and given the chance, maybe a vast majority of the times). And I understand and accept that that is me also.

I can see how someone can think of themselves as different aspects. I tend to think of myself just as me with no names, but I use a name to convey my feelings of the moment. Right now, I'm not even en femme, but I'm conveying my feelings that a part of me needs to express and this forum allows me.

It's a slightly different viewpoint than yours, but as far as I'm concerned, they're both quite valid, as are a host of others.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest NatashaJade]

It's a slightly different viewpoint than yours, but as far as I'm concerned, they're both quite valid, as are a host of others.

Chloë,

We all experience the world in a slightly different way and that's what makes us mostly wonderful and unique. I loved reading your viewpoint and it certainly makes sense to me. But, then again, we approach the world from a similar place, so we have more points in common.

I'm in a very philosophical mood this morning...now I have to watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers

luv

Gin

[Carolyn Marie]

What you're saying does make sense to me, Gin. I feel much the same way, currently, but

once I go full time, I'm not sure if I'll feel the same.

I do feel much like the "old" me much of the time, but with a more pronounced feminine aspect to my personality. When I present as female, I don't (can't, really) get rid of portions of my male persona, because they are too long ingrained in every aspect of my being. Perhaps I'll shed them over time, I don't know. The process of socializing as a different gender (and this applies to FtM's too) as an adult is very difficult, and takes work and practice, and I really don't believe its possible to completely socialize as the non-birth gender.

I think its important to understand the limitations of what we're doing, both physically and socialy/emotionally. I will never pass 100% of the time, I will never be a complete female, and I probably won't ever feel like anything other than a TS woman. I'm not saying that I'll feel like a fraud or a phony or a lesser person. Just different. I can accept that. I can accept being seen as female most of the time. I can accept being treated as a woman most of the time.

Perfection isn't possible. As long as less-than perfect is acceptable, I'll be OK.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes, attributed to everyone from Confuscious to Buckaroo Banzai: "Wherever you go, there you are."

Carolyn Marie

[Guest NatashaJade]

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes, attributed to everyone from Confuscious to Buckaroo Banzai: "Wherever you go, there you are."

Love that, Carolyn. I'll one up you with my favorite (and very germane) quote from one Lord John Worfin, "Character is what you are in the dark."

love

Gin

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Love that, Carolyn. I'll one up you with my favorite (and very germane) quote from one Lord John Worfin, "Character is what you are in the dark."

love

Gin

Shall I interject this bit? With Carolyn Marie - a Character is what she is in the light!

grin

OOOPS - off topic!

Lizzy

[Guest Kaitlyn D]

I don't want to derail the silliness too much. lol But this is a subject that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Where does the male me start and end, and where does the female me start and end. But, so far, I think I've come to the conclusion that the male me and the female me are the same person. I've just started taking steps to be the whole me, instead of only a portion. So no matter where I go what I do, or even what I look like, I will still be the same person. Only complete.

And I'm sorry but I can't come up with anything silly to add. I'll try again later.

[Guest EvenClose]

Yep, I totally understand this. Thats part of my big problem right now. I work at a place with nothing but men. And when i leave, the same thing goes on. I think you hit the nail on the head with this post.