Lilica Says Hello

[Guest Lilica]

Hi all,

I have been visiting this site on and off for a couple of weeks. I think you are doing holy work, especially in the support for young people.

My girl name is Lilica. I decided on it only when signing up to this site. But it is not a random name. When I was 17 I went out with my best buddies to see a Brazilian movie called "Pixote" about street kids. One of the main characters was an aspiring teenage transwoman called Lilica. The movie was over, but I remained with a strange sensation. I could not deny to myself that of all the characters, in fact of all characters I've seen in many movies, Lilica was the one I identified most deeply with. By that point I'd already had one serious girlfriend. I had suspected and feared there was something "strange" about my sexuality, but generally felt it was "under control". Surely I was attracted to girls way more than to guys (still true). And suddenly Lilica? Am I going to become one of "these"? It was shocking.

...anyway, I forgot Lilica, continued to conform, became a "real man" (in a rather macho family-centered society), married - happily, for the most part - have kids, jobs, degrees, mortgage, etc. etc. I told my wife I have a feminine side early on in our relationship. She is one of the most accepting persons I know. I'm so lucky. However both of us were treating it more as a "boutique" set of sexual preferences that i happen to have, or that I am "somewhere on the continuum between straight and something else" (also true, I guess). Again, we both thought it's something that can be "managed" within ordinary straight life.

But in recent years my preference to play the woman in bed turned from occasional to nearly constant. I play the man only to satisfy my wife (which I do with love and enjoy as such). And the straw that broke my camel's back was the very recent realization that perhaps my real chronic ailments that plague my life - depression, anger management, lack of focus - are related to me forcibly suppressing a huge part of myself during all my life. So I've decided to bring this suppressed part out more, including some feminization steps that sort of just happened spontaneously. The days I started this were among the happiest in my life. But now I am thoroughly confused and concerned.

I don't think the man in me is a facade, I think it's real. But I do want to set the woman in me free, but not sure how without destroying everything that I have. My experiences with therapists in the past were negative. The gender thing was not the main issue I discussed with therapists, but still the negative experiences increase my fear of going to therapists and opening up what is really my most intimate self.

I'm open to any advice. Thanks for everything that you do.

(ps: lemonade is ok, double latte with cinnamon preferable. Please don't offer cocoa, it gives me headache

[Guest Deena]

Lilica,

I saw your response to my introduction and I feel a Spiritual link with

you as well as everyone with this "problem." I want to learn how to

use the chat rooms and pm area so I can discuss things in more detail

without hijacking threads or whatever you call it on the forums.

Please know that you are not alone and we can all help each other.

My spouse does not understand what I'm feeling and I think we all need

to be able to talk about this in so much more depth, openly. I think talking is a

wonderful healer. Hang in there - I am! Hoping I don't fall off!

Deena

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Lilica,

Welcome to Laura's. I see you've posted a little here and there, please do keep posting if you can. Sharing is a big way to learn more about one's self.

I'm reading your different posts and saying, yeah, that's where I am a lot of the time. I'm not sure whether it's been that way always, or I've grown into an acceptance that I'll never transition, so I sort of have had to figure out some way to allow this part of me to have some kind of life.

And I understand about your bedroom life with your wife. I know I could easily slip into that role, but I do care a lot for my spouse (yes, I love her), and I know her needs, and in a successful marriage, both needs have to met enough to keep the marriage alive.

Isn't this life, fun? I have needs as Chloë, my spouse has needs for my male side, I recognize that I have a male side that is an important part of my life. Do I try to balance those; is there some Me, that can be both without having to choose one? I still don't know after over a year here and 63+ years trying to figure it all out.

But it is so nice to hear others with very similar concerns, desires, and confusion. Thanks so much for sharing.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Cowboy]

Welcome to laura's.

Glad to have ya with us.

Saw that you'd prefer a latte, but forgive an ol cowboy for not knowin bout that coffee stuff.

Here's a glass of ice cold lemonade instead.

Ask around and keep postin. Make yourself comfortable

Welcome again

Cowboy

[JJ]

Hi Lilica!

What you have experienced resonates with many on the forum.

Many therapists are not trained in gender identity issues and have no idea how to treat them. Sadly a few are even trans phobic. If you seek a gender therapist it can make a huge difference. And if it doesn't click-keep searching till it does. I have seen here over and over what a positive experience gender therapy can be. Many people are eager for each session.

And please keep posting, asking and exploring here on the forum. We aren't therapists but we do understand and have many of the same experiences.

Hugs

JohnJ

[Sally]

OK, Lilica,

No cocoa - I'll drink that and I do know about latte so I will bring you one - do you like cookies, I have oatmeal raisin, double chocolate chip, sugar cookies and snicker doodles - take as many as you like - virtual cookies have virtually no calories!

Welcome to Laura's and your new family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Lilica]

OK, Lilica,

No cocoa - I'll drink that and I do know about latte so I will bring you one - do you like cookies, I have oatmeal raisin, double chocolate chip, sugar cookies and snicker doodles - take as many as you like - virtual cookies have virtually no calories!

Welcome to Laura's and your new family.

Love ya,

Sally

Thank you so much Sally! It's delicious!

Lilica

[Guest gauri]

hi lilica!

nothing more to say than good luck

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Hello, Lilica..

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean, 60 year old MTF going through the full Monte! Yep, no middle ground for me...I'll not be happy

'til I can give birth...well, close anyway....lol

I really enjoyed your intro, I could feel the confusion and need in your post...

Here you'll find a lot of experienced folks that may be of some help to let you figure things out better, there's also many in your exact same place that you can share with as you learn and grow...

It's really good to have to here!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Lilica]

Deena, thanks so much for dropping in. I am looking forward to being able to use PM and to exchange more experiences and ideas. Yours, Lilica.

[Guest Lilica]

Thank you Chloe, I hope to learn more from your experience and wisdom. At the moment I'm still just grappling with all the changes and revelations. I am fortunate to have a life partner like the one I have, and will go to great lengths not to lose her. But it will help so much to get support from sisters who have lived through the same experience.

Hugs back to you, Lilica.

[Guest Lilica]

Yo Cowboy,

The lemonade worked great, my mouth was feeling a bit dry. Thanks.

btw, it's great that the macho thing works out for you. For me, with all my XY's and natural-male-athlete body frame, it has never quite stuck. Always made me feel inferior next to macho guys. But as Lilica's coming out that feeling's going away... I yam what I yam.

Even though my main attraction is to women, I do feel the occasional urge to snuggle next to a hunky cowboy that will take care of me and protect me from that mean mean world out there. It's such a comforting feeling. So yes, cowboys do provide an essential service to humanity and especially to womankind

Catch you later man. Kisses, Lilica.

[Guest Lilica]

Thanks John,

I do recognize the value of therapy. I have been socially programmed against it, so maybe my attempts at it have been half-hearted. In particular, I almost totally neglected to discuss my manwoman nature. It's highly likely I will try gender therapy very soon. I hope via PM and otherwise, to get personal recommendations for therapists in my town, hopefully also covered thru my healthplan.

Kisses, Lilica.

[Guest Lilica]

Thx! Love, Lilica.

[Guest Lilica]

Thank you Donna Jean!

Yes, you nailed it. Giving birth is what defines a female. But then, some are unfortunately unable to even if they do have the XX. That doesn't stop them from being great adoptive moms, and amazing women. And so are you.

Love, Lilica.

[Guest Lilica]

Hi everyone and thanks for the warm loving welcome!

This place already feels like home. Most my other online experiences are way more abrasive and in-your-face (see under my masochistic hobby of "fighting tyranny"), so this is much nicer

My apologies, I'm still learning the system here. I thought the replies tab in under comments to create that cascade of back-n-forths like they do in some sites, so I replied to each of you separately. I will learn, promise

The avatar I just added is the original Lilica from the movie. She does look a bit like me when I was say 15 years younger

Love to all of you, xoxo Lilica.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Honey...FYI....

At the bottom of each post you'll see, on the right a tab that says "Multiple Quote" (I think ..or something similar..)

Anyway, if you want to answer, say , 4 people in your replay, just go through the posts that you want to quote and click that tab and each one will show up in one reply of yours...then you can post between them ....

Cool?

PM me if you need to...ok?

Donna Jean

[Guest Lilica]

Will try... sorry for burdening the admins with so many replies... Lilica

[Guest Donna Jean]

Will try... sorry for burdening the admins with so many replies... Lilica

LOL...No burden, Dear Heart....

We all learn....ok?

HUggs

Donna Jean

[Guest ricka]

Hi Sugar and a warm welcome to our family here at Laura's. We are here for

each other and the very wonderful thing is none of us have to fit into any

kind of mold and be a certain way to conform in terms of our gender identity.

What you said, "I yam what I yam" says it best!!

Don't be afraid to shop when you are looking for a therapist and don't feel

you need to stick with the first one you have an appointment with. Just

because someone hangs out a shingle and has a bunch of letters after their

name does not mean they are right for you.

Hugs, Miss Ricka

[Guest Opal]

Hi Lilica,

Welcome to Laura's!

Nice to have you join and posting with us! As you probably already know, there is a lot of useful information on site, plus many wonderful people one can engage in polite conversation.

Sorry to hear that some of your past experiences with therapists did not go that well.

Please feel free to keep posting as you are comfortable in doing so.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Lilica,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Lilica]

Ricka, Opal, Miss Kindheart thanks!

I feel so lucky that I found this site. Now I'll go explore it a bit.

Good night...

Lilica.

[Guest Lilica]

Hi Sweethearts!

Just wanted to share with you that my explorations of the site were very fruitful.

I found out I can have a blog here

I am much more a blog person than a chat person. Maybe has to do with my poor listening skills

I immediately posted a long first entry, because last night was a fun and special night for me. It might seem funny even childish, especially for veterans of the transgender life. Or it might remind you of "your first time."

Anyway, feel free to read and comment there. Thanks!

Ciao bambine e bambini

xoxo Lilica