Am I, A Masochist?

[Guest therisa]

Why do I feel the need to punish myself, over and over, again? Like I did last night, sitting down in front of the TV, and watched portions of two new episode from this season, Law and Order: SVU, which I know, this show acts, as a trigger for me. Bringing back many bad memories from my past, of the psychological and physical abuse that I suffer, at the hands of others. Isn’t once enough, for anybody to have to endure in their lifetime? Didn’t even last beyond three minutes into the second episode, before I turned it off, as a severe anxiety attack started to take hold of me. Spending the next five hours, in my own personal Hell. Maybe they were right about me, I only bring pain and suffering to myself and those around me.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

NO NO NO

You are a JOY to know, and have as a friend... and don't EVER think otherwise.

Abused people have this thing - they begin to feel they deserve to be abused... it's a horrible thing to have to carry around with you.

Just know this - you have value. There are things about you NOBODY can duplicate - your writing for example.

So NO NO NO

Be good to yourself - and know you are a wonder. I think you are a wonder - ain't that someting?

Love you

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest therisa]

Wish I could believe you, Elizabeth, but I don't see how.

therisa

[JJ]

Those feelings are already there-under the surface-the programs tap into them and let you release some in the safety and privacy of your home. Sometimes it can be too much-can overwhelm-but for the time you actually did handle it you grew a little stronger. Its a difficult balancing act-facing and getting past your pain and fear and being pushed into it . The worst thing about violence is that we have to relive it until we can move past it. It isn't just once. Not for anyone.

And I think there is a component of the probing a sore tooth with your tongue thing. Everybody does it. Doesn't make them a masochist-just human.

You don't bring pain and suffering here-just a gentle presence we value.

Hugs

JohnJ

[Guest therisa]

John, I know you have been through alot in your life, right now, I don't know what to think, beyond the pain I relived last night and the near return of my migraine, as a result of the long bouts of crying and muscle spasming in my arms and legs.

therisa

[Guest N.Chaos]

If you're a masochist, I'm right there with you then. Over the past few years I realized I seem to seek out abusive and had intercourse up people to latch onto. I kept one guy around who almost killed me, 100% serious, if he'd been half an inch higher with the razor I'd be dead. I watch SVU too, constantly, and there's certain times where I'll feel nasueous or just get incredibly peed because it brings back so, so many memories. Certain movies, too. I don't know what causes you to do it, but I know part of it for me is that I DO have this subconcious need to punish myself, for whatever stupid reason. Another huge part is that I feel like I have to desensitize myself to things that've hurt me in the past, so I constantly try to force myself to deal with it, regardless of how much it hurts, regardless of how horrified I get. It's probably unhealthy, and I hope that it's not what drives you to do the same thing, but it's one of my reasons.

[Guest therisa]

If you're a masochist, I'm right there with you then. Over the past few years I realized I seem to seek out abusive and had intercourse up people to latch onto. I kept one guy around who almost killed me, 100% serious, if he'd been half an inch higher with the razor I'd be dead. I watch SVU too, constantly, and there's certain times where I'll feel nasueous or just get incredibly peed because it brings back so, so many memories. Certain movies, too. I don't know what causes you to do it, but I know part of it for me is that I DO have this subconcious need to punish myself, for whatever stupid reason. Another huge part is that I feel like I have to desensitize myself to things that've hurt me in the past, so I constantly try to force myself to deal with it, regardless of how much it hurts, regardless of how horrified I get. It's probably unhealthy, and I hope that it's not what drives you to do the same thing, but it's one of my reasons.

N.Chaos, I have broken off contact with parts of my family, as a result of events in the past. As far as I am concern, they are dead, buried 6 ft underground. I see, all of the warning signs, shouting get away from this person, yet I march in with my arms wide open for the ensuing abusive relationship. Am so freaking tired of this.

[Guest N.Chaos]

N.Chaos, I have broken off contact with parts of my family, as a result of events in the past. As far as I am concern, they are dead, buried 6 ft underground. I see, all of the warning signs, shouting get away from this person, yet I march in with my arms wide open for the ensuing abusive relationship. Am so freaking tired of this.

I just finally got the illegitimate child out of my life that almost killed me, twice. It took 3 Gosh darned years, but I finally managed to do it. And you know what? It hurts, every Gosh darned day. Everytime I go for band practice, I look where his drumkit was and it's like a stab in the gut. I hear certain songs and I can still SMELL the jerk, still hear his voice...it NEVER goes away, at least not entirely. You get as far away as you can, and then you do whatever you need to. If that's building walls, build them. If it's digging a hole and hiding in it, do that. Whatever it takes to live, that's what I've been clinging to and it's not always the most hopeful way to be, but goddamnit at leas I AM being. As for cutting family out, I know how much that sucks too. I cut off all contact with my aunt that I've been close with for an incredibly long time, because she kept harassing me about my girlfriend (coalescing with her saying "I hope she dies because she's not worth your time"). Along with that, I was forced to cut off my uncle that was like a second father to me, taught me bass, spent almost all of my childhood with me, because they're married, and I have NO way to get to him without her being around or nearby.

[Guest therisa]

Alright? Is a loaded question, right now. Given my migraine headache has returned with a vengence on me, after a very nasty storm, early this morning. Have used up all of my med for it. So hoping it dies down tonight and I can enjoy some quality time with my two beautiful cats, Squeak and Venus.

N. Chaos, this person that I am talking about, is my younger brother. He used to push me, down stairs and other violent acts against me, while taking anything, which I placed a value upon. I can never forgive, what he had to me, growing up.

[Guest N.Chaos]

gosh darned' A.

Maybe I'm just vindictive, but I don't think you SHOULD forgive him. Family or not, respect and love are two-way streets.

[Guest therisa]

Not something, which I talk about much. Preferring to keep it, locked away in some distance part of my memory. Hoping it will disappear wtih the passage of time.

therisa

[Guest April63]

Not something, which I talk about much. Preferring to keep it, locked away in some distance part of my memory. Hoping it will disappear wtih the passage of time.

therisa

It will only disappear if you forgive.

[Guest therisa]

Easier said than done. He caused too pain for me, I hope he rots in Hell, for it.

[Guest April63]

I know it can be hard, but as long as you hold onto that, you are holding onto the pain as well. Pain can only truly be overcome by love.

[Guest therisa]

Right now, Hell will freeze over, first, Apirl.

[JJ]

I understand how you feel Therisa on this but I also know that the hate is preventing you from healing. Is letting him still hhave power over you and hurt you as long as you hate.

Forgiveness is not liking or loving someone. It is just letting go and taking all of their power away. Hurting yourself is not hurting him.

Thoughts will not bury him-they can end up burying you. In the past if nothing else. Don't keep empowering him-hating won't undo or make up or what happened. Noting ever will . People have forgiven others for the most heinous acts-up to and including the murder of their children. If people can forgive that and move on you can forgive your brother.

Forgive-let go for you. Because you deserve a lie in the now and in the future not tied to this bad person in the past forever.

Love

JJ

[Guest therisa]

How do I express this in words, which people will understand and not feel insulted by them? I feel like I am being pressured to do something, which is beyond my grasp. I know the more poople pressure me, i will just tune them out, with a "whatever" attitude.

[JJ]

I understand and it hto be your choice in your time. I don't want to pressure you-just tell you a truth that affects your life. It is your choice whether to take action or not and no one will judge you for what you decide. Just try to help if you are in pain or hostage to something not your fault.

I am sorry you feel pressured.

Hugs

JohnJ

[Guest therisa]

Don't mean to sound like I am attacking you, John, but I have learned the hard way, pushing things before I am ready for them, has disastrous consequences for me. Best to move at my own pace, even if a snail appears to be moving at warp speed compared to me.

[Guest Nawat]

Therisa,

I know what it is like to move at the pace of a snail. It is good to move at your own pace. When you are ready, you will be able to make the changes you need to make. We are here to provide support and ideas so when you are ready, you will know which direction you want to take. Feeling the need to punish yourself doesn't make you a masochist, not even feeling compelled to do it defines you as such. A masochist is someone who depends on pain and humiliation in order to get any pleasure. As someone who has punished myself for many years in many different ways, I don't think I am a masochist because while I thought I had to do it, it never gave me pleasure. I am lucky enough to have been spared the torture your brother and others put you through, however it took me more than a decade to be able to stop feeling like I deserved the pain. It may take you a long time. You have been through things I cannot imagine. But I am here for you, like everyone else on the forum. We are on your side. We will not judge you. We will not push you. We will just try to be here when you need us.

[Guest stranger]

Hmm...I haven't forgiven my abuser...as long as he's not around, I'm groovy.

So I tend to disagree on the idea that forgiving one's abuser's a necessary thing for everyone. For some people, it helps...and maybe I'll do it someday...but right now I feel like he'd have to work as hard at earning my forgiveness as I did to reclaim my sanity.

Until then he's not worth the effort to forgive, KWIM?

My question to you, Therisa, is, have you seen a therapist who specifically deals with PTSD?

Because what strikes me is the level of PTSD symptoms you've got going steaming out of your ears...constant freakout.

I really, really think you ought to go see a therapist about it...or if you have, do it again.

Phobias and anxieties can be defined as unreasonable fears. There's a good cure for unreasonable fears, it's just horrendously hard. It is to do what you fear, over and over and over.

This may take tackling the small fears first and working up to the big ones.

One more thing:

For someone who was abused...martial arts classes are really good ways of tapping into your power and anger. It strikes me that you are stuck in your fear and weakness...

[Guest Allison Michelle]

Therisa,

A masochist is someone who actually enjoys pain. For example they get a sexual arousal from it. I have a friend that is like that. He is aroused by being flogged, hit, kicked, clawed, and especially being bitten. It is an aphrodesiac for him.

You on the other hand suffer from it. Just because you have accidentally channel surfed to a show that brings pain to you, doesn't mean you enjoyed it. I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain, and I wish there was something I could do to help you, but believe me, you are not a masochist.

AM

[Guest Lilith]

I think I can relate in someway... When ever I feel down, I am always drawn to sad music and tones, stories full of

despair and pain, which reflects what I am feeling and makes me feel, like I am sinking ever deeper, but I keep on

taking it in. I endup reading lots about depression, and feel like it all fits perfectly, I endup reading about suicide

and hate my self for doing it, but I can't stop my self, and again it feels like it all fits perfect, all the warning signs

seems to apply. I don't want to die, but I don't recognize my self having any safetynet holding me back if that will

to live were to disappear, which tends to induce some panic attack like feelings, trembling, sweating and shortness

of breath and then I lose control for a moment, and tears come out and I feel shocked, shecked by the tears I think

and I forget what I was thinking and feeling just moment ago...

Usually this is the point where I am able to think about other things, and sometimes luckily get my mind fixated on

something else for while, sometimes for days, weeks or even month(s)...

But it never goes away for real, its always there waiting just beneath the surface, even at the times I feel like I

am doing better, I never get my hopes up, I know my real situation is bleak, but I don't think about it, it stays out

of my mind and I enjoy what ever I am enjoying, live in the here and how untill something breaks that bubble and

I start spiraling down the drain again...

[Guest maxcess]

Hello Therisa dear,forgiving is hard to do and I got problems with it to,but though out my life I forgave a lot of people,but I still have a lot of hate in me dear,even for myself,because I feel like all my dreams are out of my reach because of my age.Am really glad I read this,because when I feel pain myself,I get arousal to,when the Doctor was rebreaking my hand it hurt like hell and something was popping up,if U know what I mean,I got to go and get my hand rebroke,this should be fun,can't wait lol.You may have to do what I did,let it go and think off something else that pleases U or do something U enjoy,I had to when my girlfriend died,just so that I would stop crying and having a lot of anger in me and I had a lot of anger and hate in me so bad,I couldn't even sleep for day's on end,I think 11 day's was the most and I almost killed a guy because of it,glad I didn't,that's when they decided I should be seeing a doctor and I was trying to see a doctor at the time and trying hard to,but they kelp telling me sorry, it took almost some one dieing before they would help me and reconized I had a problem,before they would help me.I got the help I needed at the time and put on medication.Am glad I come across this site,I like reading about these things on here and I know it will help me out to,so don't give up dear,do what you have to do,hugs dear and I hope things go well for U dear.

[Guest kira66662]

trust me no one should ever bee treated like that, mental scares are hard to heal but they do just talk to people you will find out in time i had to and trust me things are never easy the situation just changes