A Terrible Dream

[Carolyn Marie]

I woke up this morning from a terrible nightmare, and I thought it would make me feel better to write about it. It's been replaying

in my head, and I think it might be all day.

I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office. I go to an LGBT clinic so its a large room with lots of people all the time. I was en femme, and just waiting to be called.

A guy I didn't know comes over and starts yelling at me for no reason. He's saying "you don't pass, you'll never pass, you're just a man in a dress." I see myself cringing and looking down, and I feel the eyes of everyone in the room on me. I want to run away but I can't, I'm glued to the seat. I tell him to leave me alone, but the guy just keeps repeating, "you're a man in a dress" over and over again, until security guards drag him away, still shouting at me. "You're a man in a dress."

I understand why I had that dream. It seems that no matter how we pretend, how I pretend, to be doing fine, how much confidence I seem to have, it's always there, that fear. Always in the background, always waiting to drag me down into the depths of my soul.

It probably was cathartic to have the dream. I needed to express my fears even if only during my sleep. It's cleansing, I know

all that. I've read lots of stuff about dreams and how important they are.

Just the same, it scared the crap out of me. Next week, I go to my doctor's appointment for the first time as Carolyn. I'll be sitting in that waiting room. I'll remember the dream.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest sarah f]

What an awful dream to have. I am sorry you are having this dream. I don't think you will have any problems coming up at your appointment. I bet they see the beautiful lady that I do in your pictures.

[JJ]

It's not surprising that this dream would come as you are moving further and further away from your male persona-or that e would fight back so vehemently. But the good aspect of your dream-suc a positive symbolism is the security guards dragging him awa.

I think it not only expresses your fears but the fact that you are winning your battle and getting rid of him and his horrible, hurtful words.

Hugs

JohnJ

[Guest Donna Jean]

Just the same, it scared the crap out of me. Next week, I go to my doctor's appointment for the first time as Carolyn. I'll be sitting in that waiting room. I'll remember the dream.

Carolyn Marie

OMG!

Carolyn, I can only imagine if a guy comes over to ask you the time...you'll run, screaming from the building...

It's strange how disturbing a dream/nightmare can affect us...

You awake uneasy and feeling awful...even after you clear your head...

It tends to stick with you...

I think like you do...these dreams display many of our depest fears and worries....

Did you have tacos before bed?

You'll be ok, Hon.....

Heck, last Thursday night I dreamed that I was eating marsh mellows and when I woke up, my pillow was gone....

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Dear Carolyn,

I know how disturbing those sorts of dreams can be but I am going to tell you something important and I want you to pay attention because this is coming from a lady who is well over 6 feet tall - over 300 pounds and goes out in the company of another lady over 6 feet tall who just loves 3 inch heels.

You are only a man in a dress to others if that is what you are projecting - people see you according to the signals that you are sending them, they wait for your cue.

Really look at those pictures from Memphis with Lizzy and I being that tall and Donna Jean right there to supply the average height - I wasn't even a full month into my HRT and we passed everywhere for one very good reason, we were not thinking about it - we were so busy getting to know each other and just enjoying life so much just being together that everyone saw us as we did - three women, the very best of friends who were on a vacation together.

You have to stop thinking of yourself as a man in a dress and when you go to work you are a woman in a suit!

I never think of myself as male anymore, that is why the little boy at work asked his mother if I was a girl - he was confused because children read those signals just like adults but they also still see through the eyes of innocence still seeing reality as well - he knew I was a girl and was wondering why I was dressed like I was.

You should be more nervous as a guy by now!

How many times have we said and read here that it is 90% attitude - that figure might be a little low.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Opal]

Hi Carolyn,

Sorry to hear of something like this happening. Especially so soon after your ear piercings!

I had a bad dream a couple of nights before I planned on dressing up and driving to my therapy session. In the dream I was outed by a former co-worker who was well known as being a very cruel and sarcastic person. The dream had me shook up, but I went ahead and went to my session without incident.

Sometimes our subconscious plays 'devil advocate', just a bit too rough.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Carolyn Marie

We have known each other a while - and I have met you in person (a WONDERFUL visit here in New Orleans) - and we Skype all the time.

I know you pretty well now...what you look like, how you think... what you are.

And you are NOT a man in a dress! HA! You are a loving, gentle woman spirit, and that shines like a beacon to everyone around you. Your body is in remodel, true, but even then your physical womanliness is VERY apparent! You just simply have some residue in your brain that that drean was trying to flush away.

Like JJ said - that dope calling you a 'man in a dress' was led away by the guards - signifying he was totally WRONG! HA! Now you can say that guy calling you out is a "gone pecan."

Pah-cawn is the deep south pronuciation, by the way

And I wanna just say this - it was your id, talking through your ego, to your personna who was snoozing. The gray matter thought something was the matter, so it took your primevel brainstem to task for even THINKING those alien thoughts.. So don't worry about a thing.

And I just saved you $100 bucks worth of therapy!

LOVE YOU!

Lizzy

Leave the horseradish and anchovies off the pizza next time!

[Guest KimberlyF]

Stuff like this makes me happy I dream much any more. But yeah... you were never a man so tell your dream to jump in the lake. I've never had pizza with horseradish. Just throwing that out there.

I don't know about your clinic, but I have yet to see an L in the waiting room. It's always full of Gs or Bs. Well some of them could be Ts of course. I had some bad experiences in my past with pushy Gs so I'm always a little fidgety.

Kim

[Guest Annaemo]

I have dreams like that often. Its not all about transgender issues these beings are like demons in your dreams. Mine are often bullies, people much stronger than my self which I feel I can't overcome. Next time you have a dream like that try hard and kick the guy where it hurts as hard as you can!

[Carolyn Marie]

And you are NOT a man in a dress! HA! You are a loving, gentle woman spirit, and that shines like a beacon to everyone around you. Your body is in remodel, true, but even then your physical womanliness is VERY apparent!

LOVE YOU!

Lizzy

That is a very sweet and lovely thing to say, Elizabeth. Thank you very much, and thanks all of you. I feel a lot better now that some time has gone by and the images are fading away.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ChloëC]

Carolyn,

I remember reading somewhere that dreams can be the minds way of clearing up useless and junk information so that it can continue to process relevant and meaningful information in a better and more healthy environment. (which is why we need sleep and dreaming)

So, just think of it as some worthless floppy disks that can now be discarded. A fear got out, you faced up to it. It's gone. Life is better.

(Lucy requested 5c from Charlie Brown, I'm not asking for a thing )

Hugs

Chloë