Sexuality

[Guest symempathy]

Hello everyone,

I want to ask you (brave) guys this question. I hope I don't offend or embarrass anyone. You want to be men, so I know this issue is quite sensitive.

If this question was asked before, I apologize for asking again.

My question is after your sex reassignment surgery, presumably you are straight men, how do you have sex with your wife/girlfriend/significant other?

American culture is highly sexually expecting. At least, from my observation, it is so. For men, this is especially true. My culture is known to be traditional and avoid talking about sex. However, I see some ads on musical show DVDs in Vietnamese about drugs which enhance sexual energy or improve erectile problem. I guess my people feel more relaxed to talk about that issue in this country.

I don't know how surgery can make your new penis, but from what I hear, the new penis doesn't function very well, or at least they are not very satisfying. So how do you guys deal with this?

Let's say your women accept your man identity and love you for who you are. They still want you to be able to function like a man on bed, right? Well, I don't want to generalize, but I think many American women are like that. If they want intercourse, how do you satisfy them? Even straight men have issue with erectile dysfunction. I don't know how you handle the sex issue if it comes up.

I ask this question out of my curiosity. I hope I don't offend anyone. Thank you

Minh

[Guest Batsu Maru Otoko Yo!]

Mm, I guess it depends on the surgery, and even on whether or not surgery is a choice for that particular person. Guys who get the phalloplasty still have some sensation, and normal-sized, uh...'bits'. They (usually) require erectile dysfunction hardware (inflatable/liquid filled tube, etc.) for intercourse, but otherwise they shouldn't have any problems doing the deed, so to speak.

Guys who go for the metoidioplasty, on the other hand, will have full sensation but generally bits on the smaller size of normal, if not micro-size. Women I've spoken to claim not to care about the size, but somehow I get the feeling that they do...either way, the bits created this way are fully functional, just small. If the resulting bits do turn out to be very small, FTM guys can use the same stuff that micro-size bioguys use, that being a hollow 'extension' of sorts, which goes over the man's own parts for the purpose of intercourse.

And of course some guys don't get surgery at all. They can still use various sorts of prosthetics for intercourse, though.

But I don't think that the average woman is as obsessed with penetrative intercourse as the media likes to think they are. That kind of intercourse isn't necessarily the be-all, end-all of sexual pleasure, especially not for women, and besides most guys don't bother to worry very much about the woman's pleasure so I think any guy who really knows what he's doing in bed will be fine, regardless of his size.

[Carolyn Marie]

I was wondering what kind of response Minh's question would elicit. Yours is very well thought out and very well said.

Thanks!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Batsu Maru Otoko Yo!]

I was wondering what kind of response Minh's question would elicit. Yours is very well thought out and very well said.

Thanks!

Carolyn Marie

Ehe, thanks.

I think all the time I spent in college being a GLBT educator makes it easier for me to get at the question beyond the phrasing...y'know, kind of start to get offended and then shut it down so I can answer like the nice person I pretend to be.

Besides, I've answered WAY more ridiculous questions, e.g. "If you were a lesbian and you're becoming a straight guy, what kind of porn do you like?" On a panel. In front of 100+ people.

[Guest symempathy]

Mm, I guess it depends on the surgery, and even on whether or not surgery is a choice for that particular person. Guys who get the phalloplasty still have some sensation, and normal-sized, uh...'bits'. They (usually) require erectile dysfunction hardware (inflatable/liquid filled tube, etc.) for intercourse, but otherwise they shouldn't have any problems doing the deed, so to speak.

Guys who go for the metoidioplasty, on the other hand, will have full sensation but generally bits on the smaller size of normal, if not micro-size. Women I've spoken to claim not to care about the size, but somehow I get the feeling that they do...either way, the bits created this way are fully functional, just small. If the resulting bits do turn out to be very small, FTM guys can use the same stuff that micro-size bioguys use, that being a hollow 'extension' of sorts, which goes over the man's own parts for the purpose of intercourse.

And of course some guys don't get surgery at all. They can still use various sorts of prosthetics for intercourse, though.

But I don't think that the average woman is as obsessed with penetrative intercourse as the media likes to think they are. That kind of intercourse isn't necessarily the be-all, end-all of sexual pleasure, especially not for women, and besides most guys don't bother to worry very much about the woman's pleasure so I think any guy who really knows what he's doing in bed will be fine, regardless of his size.

Hello Shane,

You answer my question with good explanation. Thank you.

Still, I wonder as a male, do you feel pressured to be a good lover like other straight cisgender men? Do you feel like you have to be well rounded to have a woman's attention, or to match up with other men?

I am a biological male, but I never feel like a man. I connect more strongly with my feminine side. Although I don't usually care about what other people may think of me, I still feel some pressure or a social expectation that I have to meet because of my male body possession. I'm sure that straight men feel this even more intense than I do. I can't even imagine how hard it is for FTM people, and I'm not only talking about sex.

Sorry if this is too personal for you. Have you ever been with a woman? If you have, what have you done for her to see that you are a man? Does living as a female before transition make it difficult for you?

In my case, for example, although my behavior is feminine, I don't generally have habits that other cisgender women have, such as shopping all day long, gossiping, dancing, wearing makeup, joining a baby shower, etc. If I decide to transition myself, it is going to be difficult.

I can see that our society expects a lot from men. I may be wrong, but I think that can put FTM guys under huge stress.

[Remus]

Hi hi,

Just so you know, like our transsisters, being post-op doesn't necessarily equate to suddenly being straight. Apparently (or so my therapist told me, anyhoo), if you're certain of being trans from a young age - like, you're born female and by the time you're 5 you're insisting you're actually male - you're likely to be (not definitely going to be, but more likely to be) straight, and be into girls and so on. If, however, it's like a 'later on-set', when you realise or it happens or whatever later on in life, you're more likely to be a gay transguy. (Again, though, just what my therapist said the research is showing at the moment).

So I myself, and I know a few of the other guys here, we're actually gay/bi/non-hetero, rather than being straight. So female body, all that, but guys do it for us. You could ask why not just be a woman, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to wonder. I can't speak for the other non-straight guys here, but for me, thinking of myself as female with a male partner is nauseating. The thought of having a man touch me, kiss me, whatever, as the female I physically am, makes me feel squeamish and want to throw up. So in answer to one of your later questions, "Have you ever been with a woman?", in terms of being gay and thus being with a man, no, I have not, and will not, until I can do so as myself. I don't care how accepting he would be, I would not be able to handle it. The thought of being introduced as the girlfriend, of having breasts when I hug him (bound as they may be) and a high voice when I talk to him... I just couldn't do it. So no, I have never been in a relationship, and will never seek to be in one until I can not be physically female.

Because of this, I haven't yet had to address being completely un-endowed, as it were. Apparently gay bioguys are very penis-oriented, so my therapist has been at great pains to warn me that I could have trouble finding a partner. (Oh, the dysphoria and envy... ). And yes, I am worried that it would be problematic, and I don't know what I'd do (I think I'd be more of your stereotypical 'bottom', though, so dunno if that would be an issue), but I would much rather be in a position to be able to try for a relationship than stay as I am. So yes, figure I'll skirt that hurdle when I get to it.

Um... Don't know if that anwers any of your questions or helps at all. And thanks for your understanding, too. I think we get it a lot easier in some respects than transwomen - my therapist often refers to transmen as "the invisible group", because, while there may be a lot of social pressure for "men to be men", we can grow to adopt that if we wish and so blend in, rather than being brought up "to be a manly man" and having to defy society and throw it off, which is more 'out there'. So yes, I think we do have it pretty rough sometimes, but then I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a transperson who has it easy in Western society. Ho hum.

But yes, hope that helps, if not answers anything directly.

~ Remus

[Guest Batsu Maru Otoko Yo!]

Hello Shane,

You answer my question with good explanation. Thank you.

Still, I wonder as a male, do you feel pressured to be a good lover like other straight cisgender men? Do you feel like you have to be well rounded to have a woman's attention, or to match up with other men?

I am a biological male, but I never feel like a man. I connect more strongly with my feminine side. Although I don't usually care about what other people may think of me, I still feel some pressure or a social expectation that I have to meet because of my male body possession. I'm sure that straight men feel this even more intense than I do. I can't even imagine how hard it is for FTM people, and I'm not only talking about sex.

Sorry if this is too personal for you. Have you ever been with a woman? If you have, what have you done for her to see that you are a man? Does living as a female before transition make it difficult for you?

In my case, for example, although my behavior is feminine, I don't generally have habits that other cisgender women have, such as shopping all day long, gossiping, dancing, wearing makeup, joining a baby shower, etc. If I decide to transition myself, it is going to be difficult.

I can see that our society expects a lot from men. I may be wrong, but I think that can put FTM guys under huge stress.

Aside from the very good points that Remus has made, let me see if I can answer your questions.

Yes I have been with women, a handful of them, and I've never felt any particular pressure to stack up to cisguys. After I started presenting as male, even though I didn't pass well I have never had to do anything in particular for them to 'see' that I'm a man, it iss simply part of my presentation and personality. Generally girls have expressed interest in me rather than the other way around, partly because I'm intolerably shy, so I've never even had to tell anyone 'by the way, I'm trans'. Besides, I'm a guy. I do guy things in guy ways...the only definably feminine things about me are my body and my high-pitched squeaky sneezes.

Anyway, if you're interested in the gritty details, I used a prosthetic with one girl and all was well, and of the others only one expressed any desire for my not-yet-existant male bits...after assuring me that she was well-satisfied. So no, I don't have any particular worries about my ability to perform as compared to other guys...and like Remus said, in my experience women are less concerned about the presence/functionality of a man's parts than other men are, which is a complaint that I hear a lot from another gay transguy I know too. For a woman, the important stuff seems to center around a guy's ability (or desire for that matter!) to attend to her pleasure and not just his own. A guy who can do that is pretty much golden, hence my lack of worry about it. I have it, I ought to know my way around it!

As for non-sexual pressure to be masculine, that's more or less a given, isn't it? At work I analyze every aspect of my behaviour, constantly wondering if I'm acting wimpy or walking like a girl or something like that...and it's not even so much that I was raised as a girl as that I'm a kinda girlish guy sometimes. I feel like even though I know it's masculinity with a touch of 'I was raised around gay guys and also I like stuffed animals and knitting,' that everyone else parses it as being a girl. Which makes me more nervous, which makes me monitor my behaviour more closely. It's pretty stressful and frustrating, but like most trans people I have that one thing that I'm positive will fix absolutely everything ever and then I will pass effortlessly and life will turn into gumdrops and happiness (for me it's top surgery), so I kinda keep that in my mind's eye and try to remember that nobody is standing at the bathroom door listening to me have to sit down to pee.

[Guest ShortyT]

Well, I don't have to worry about satisfying a woman, 'cause I'm gay. I really doubt I'll be having bottom surgery aswell. Luckily there is a wide variety of gadgets out there.

[Remus]

And we all know how much guys love gadgetry.

[Guest Batsu Maru Otoko Yo!]

And we all know how much guys love gadgetry.

Yay gadgetry! Now somebody go revive the all-round prosthetic thread, we need to get back to work on that sucker!

[Guest symempathy]

So I myself, and I know a few of the other guys here, we're actually gay/bi/non-hetero, rather than being straight. So female body, all that, but guys do it for us. You could ask why not just be a woman, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to wonder. I can't speak for the other non-straight guys here, but for me, thinking of myself as female with a male partner is nauseating. The thought of having a man touch me, kiss me, whatever, as the female I physically am, makes me feel squeamish and want to throw up. So in answer to one of your later questions, "Have you ever been with a woman?", in terms of being gay and thus being with a man, no, I have not, and will not, until I can do so as myself. I don't care how accepting he would be, I would not be able to handle it. The thought of being introduced as the girlfriend, of having breasts when I hug him (bound as they may be) and a high voice when I talk to him... I just couldn't do it. So no, I have never been in a relationship, and will never seek to be in one until I can not be physically female.

Because of this, I haven't yet had to address being completely un-endowed, as it were. Apparently gay bioguys are very penis-oriented, so my therapist has been at great pains to warn me that I could have trouble finding a partner. (Oh, the dysphoria and envy... ). And yes, I am worried that it would be problematic, and I don't know what I'd do (I think I'd be more of your stereotypical 'bottom', though, so dunno if that would be an issue), but I would much rather be in a position to be able to try for a relationship than stay as I am. So yes, figure I'll skirt that hurdle when I get to it.

Um... Don't know if that anwers any of your questions or helps at all. And thanks for your understanding, too. I think we get it a lot easier in some respects than transwomen - my therapist often refers to transmen as "the invisible group", because, while there may be a lot of social pressure for "men to be men", we can grow to adopt that if we wish and so blend in, rather than being brought up "to be a manly man" and having to defy society and throw it off, which is more 'out there'. So yes, I think we do have it pretty rough sometimes, but then I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a transperson who has it easy in Western society. Ho hum.

But yes, hope that helps, if not answers anything directly.

~ Remus

Hello Remus,

Thank you for your answers. You bring up a point that I should have asked from the beginning: male partner of FTM. I can understand that women generally have lower sex drive than men AND more often than not, they want INTIMACY over just pure sex. I'm pretty sure lots of women are like that because I'm similar to them at that aspect. If I have to make a choice, I will choose physical closeness over physical sex. In fact, I'm embarrassed to say this: I'm 25 years old still don't know how sex feels like. I have only known about it for 6 years-perhaps you are laughing at me when you hear me say that-from a class in college.

When you mention gay and bisexual men, I suddenly think FTM may experience even greater difficulty finding a great boyfriend who is not obsessed with penis unless the person is not into anal sex. Let's say even if you can find an ideal boyfriend/husband who loves and accepts who you are and never cares about anal sex or penis, will it be a turn off if you don't have bottom surgery or phalloplasty? Assuming you have a great build manly body from testosterone and no female breasts, is it going to be a barrier if you still have a vagina? I don't know how testosterone enhances the clitoris, but the clitoris-changing penis is very short, isn't it? Is that acceptable with gay/bi men, especially the masculine ones?

Minh

[Guest symempathy]

Well, I don't have to worry about satisfying a woman, 'cause I'm gay. I really doubt I'll be having bottom surgery aswell. Luckily there is a wide variety of gadgets out there.

Forgive me for my ignorance. It's either English is not my first language or I'm not used to sexual scene. What is a gadget? Is it some kind of a sex toy?

[Guest Donna Jean]

Forgive me for my ignorance. It's either English is not my first language or I'm not used to sexual scene. What is a gadget? Is it some kind of a sex toy?

I guess that would one definition of gadget...

Or, how about a "sex aid"?

Better?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest lvmyftm]

I am a female partner of a FTM. Our sex life is pretty much typical for a hetro couple. We have intercourse with the help of a strap on. I would LOVE to have intercourse with just him, but he hasn't been ok with that yet. Eventhough I might not be able to feel much that way knowing that he would be able feel more of me on him is rather appealing. He might not of been born with a a penis, but he is by far the best I have had in bed

[Guest symempathy]

I am a female partner of a FTM. Our sex life is pretty much typical for a hetro couple. We have intercourse with the help of a strap on. I would LOVE to have intercourse with just him, but he hasn't been ok with that yet. Eventhough I might not be able to feel much that way knowing that he would be able feel more of me on him is rather appealing. He might not of been born with a a penis, but he is by far the best I have had in bed

Hello,

I want to ask you this question. Please don't be offended. I only try to see the logic. You say you and your partner have intercourse with the help of a strap on. I assume you are using a sex aid tool.

My question is why do you need to use it? I want to point this question on everyone here without insulting anyone. I'm simply curious.

What I don't understand is that you know your partner is a FTM, don't you? You must have loved him so much that you accept what he used to be and who he is now. So I guess when you have sex with him, his touch is of paramount importance, isn't it? It isn't a normal touch; it's a sensual touch filled with love and desire which can melt you down. I apologize for being too graphic here, but my point is that when you have sex with your partner, it's a complete physical emotional spiritual closeness, isn't it? Thus, I don't understand why sex toy is so important. Again, please don't get upset. I'm not pointing at you. I am only asking generally. Thank you.

Minh

[Guest Shawn9]

Hello,

I want to ask you this question. Please don't be offended. I only try to see the logic. You say you and your partner have intercourse with the help of a strap on. I assume you are using a sex aid tool.

My question is why do you need to use it? I want to point this question on everyone here without insulting anyone. I'm simply curious.

What I don't understand is that you know your partner is a FTM, don't you? You must have loved him so much that you accept what he used to be and who he is now. So I guess when you have sex with him, his touch is of paramount importance, isn't it? It isn't a normal touch; it's a sensual touch filled with love and desire which can melt you down. I apologize for being too graphic here, but my point is that when you have sex with your partner, it's a complete physical emotional spiritual closeness, isn't it? Thus, I don't understand why sex toy is so important. Again, please don't get upset. I'm not pointing at you. I am only asking generally. Thank you.

Minh

If you are asking generally, then I will answer generally:

MANY couples find that their sexual life is enhanced by the use of other items, whether you call these items toys, aids, or anything else. This has absolutely nothing to do with being transsexual or heterosexual. Having a healthy sexual relationship means discovering with your partner what feels good and right for YOU as a couple, and it is commonly accepted now that sexuality - and intimacy - are greatly enhanced by communicating needs, desires and interests with one another. Frequently, this means using other items or objects to enhance the experience for one or both partners.

If you really don't understand why "sex toys" are so important, I think you should be exploring other sites on the internet more broadly than only asking questions on a transgender site, because this really isn't about being an FTM at all, it's about learning more about human sexuality in general.

[Guest lvmyftm]

Hello,

I want to ask you this question. Please don't be offended. I only try to see the logic. You say you and your partner have intercourse with the help of a strap on. I assume you are using a sex aid tool.

My question is why do you need to use it? I want to point this question on everyone here without insulting anyone. I'm simply curious.

What I don't understand is that you know your partner is a FTM, don't you? You must have loved him so much that you accept what he used to be and who he is now. So I guess when you have sex with him, his touch is of paramount importance, isn't it? It isn't a normal touch; it's a sensual touch filled with love and desire which can melt you down. I apologize for being too graphic here, but my point is that when you have sex with your partner, it's a complete physical emotional spiritual closeness, isn't it? Thus, I don't understand why sex toy is so important. Again, please don't get upset. I'm not pointing at you. I am only asking generally. Thank you.

Minh

Yes a strap on would be a sex aid of sorta....a rubber or latex penis held in place with a harness. But we see it more as an extension of his smaller penis. Why do we use it? Because that is how men and women generally have sex together (insert tab A into slot Sure we could have sex without using it, but chances are that I wouldn't be able to feel much. We both enjoy having sex in the way that we do. Size does matter, at least for my physical statisfaction. Yes, I know that he is FTM. I met him before he transitioned. The thing is though, he has always been a man. He may have been born female, but he was never a woman. After transitioning he has become more of the man that he always has been. Yes, sex is a physical expression of an emotion and physical and emotional closeness. Part of that closeness is through penatration, achieve with the use of a sex aid. But in the bed room that sex aid is just part of him, even if it is detachable. Does that make more sense? I guess you could say that it is more of a prostethic than a sex aid if that helps to make more sense to you.

[Guest ShortyT]

Hello,

I want to ask you this question. Please don't be offended. I only try to see the logic. You say you and your partner have intercourse with the help of a strap on. I assume you are using a sex aid tool.

My question is why do you need to use it? I want to point this question on everyone here without insulting anyone. I'm simply curious.

What I don't understand is that you know your partner is a FTM, don't you? You must have loved him so much that you accept what he used to be and who he is now. So I guess when you have sex with him, his touch is of paramount importance, isn't it? It isn't a normal touch; it's a sensual touch filled with love and desire which can melt you down. I apologize for being too graphic here, but my point is that when you have sex with your partner, it's a complete physical emotional spiritual closeness, isn't it? Thus, I don't understand why sex toy is so important. Again, please don't get upset. I'm not pointing at you. I am only asking generally. Thank you.

Minh

"Sensual touches filled with love and desire" is ..eh.. sure, fine too I suppose, but when I have sex, you can be sure I'll find good use for that strap-on I have my eyes set on.

Actually, the simplest and most accurate answer to the "why" would probably be "Because we like it."

[Guest ChloëC]

I'm guessing here, Minh, that the desire to achieve penetration is something very primal in the make-up of human behavior. Probably having to do with the very basic concept of pro-creation. Since we are a pretty much intelligent species and we have figured out that there are ways to prevent unwanted offspring (all sorts of medicines and devices to protect against that), the other devices that have been mentioned here, and your questioning seem to hit at this primal urge. We want to affect the same feelings that the act of pro-creation give us, (in ourselves OR our partners) using whatever methods or devices we can that will achieve that.

That, and the very important social role of 'satisfaction'. There seems, for many, to be a really intense desire to 'know' that we have achieved that in our partner, yet we have to rely on our partner's observations (which, unfortunately at times, we're never completely sure about). Feeling that we have 'less' to offer, often taints the responses that we're looking for. (and to me, this all works in both directions).

One of the things that really turns me off about being a male is the (excuse the vernacular) 'urinating' contests that males get into. Literally as boys, and much more refined but, to me, just as stupid, as adults. And most are sexually related. Devices and aids are a way to compensate for other perceived (real or not) shortcomings.

I don't know if this is close to your basic question, but it got me thinking.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest symempathy]

I'm guessing here, Minh, that the desire to achieve penetration is something very primal in the make-up of human behavior. Probably having to do with the very basic concept of pro-creation. Since we are a pretty much intelligent species and we have figured out that there are ways to prevent unwanted offspring (all sorts of medicines and devices to protect against that), the other devices that have been mentioned here, and your questioning seem to hit at this primal urge. We want to affect the same feelings that the act of pro-creation give us, (in ourselves OR our partners) using whatever methods or devices we can that will achieve that.

That, and the very important social role of 'satisfaction'. There seems, for many, to be a really intense desire to 'know' that we have achieved that in our partner, yet we have to rely on our partner's observations (which, unfortunately at times, we're never completely sure about). Feeling that we have 'less' to offer, often taints the responses that we're looking for. (and to me, this all works in both directions).

One of the things that really turns me off about being a male is the (excuse the vernacular) 'urinating' contests that males get into. Literally as boys, and much more refined but, to me, just as stupid, as adults. And most are sexually related. Devices and aids are a way to compensate for other perceived (real or not) shortcomings.

I don't know if this is close to your basic question, but it got me thinking.

Hugs

Chloë

Hello Chloe,

Thank your for you answers. I also thank others for your explanation.

Chloe, what you say about primal instinct makes sense. Perhaps I'm hopelessly romantic due to my stronger connection to female side, so I think using whatever name you call sex toys would interfere the intimate moment.

As a man now, Chloe, do you retain any female emotion? Apparently you have always been a man. However, being raised as a woman, I guess you can see the advantage of being a girl, can't you? In our society, it's easier for women to express their emotion than for men.

What I'm trying to ask is do you think being a woman before becoming to who you are (a man) helps you understand women's sexual need, assuming you have a relationship with a straight woman? And maybe that's why lots of FTM here are brave enough not to overtly concerned about their penis when making love with either women or men.

Minh

[Remus]

Mm, I have no experience whatsoever, but I think there may be some differences in all this.

(Sorry if none of this makes sense!).

Like...

If you're FtM, straight, gay, whatever, I think the reasons for using sex aids/strap-ons etc. can vary. For instance, if you just want to have a bit of rumpy-pumpy, I don't know that there's any particular meaning behind using an aid, it's simply a case that it facilitates action. And really, there are bioguys out there who've had accidents or bits amputated or whatever who also rely on strap-ons and so on, and lesbians do as well, and even bioguys who want to use two but are only naturally endowed with one, so I don't think using aids is necessarily an indicator of feeling inadequate, it's just a means to an end.

However if the aid you use is some gianormous uber-manly thing, then there might be issues of inadequacy. Maybe not, maybe it just hits the spot, as it were, but it *could* be a sign of wanting to compensate for an absence elsewhere.

Obviously you can have non-penetrative sex, or not use strap-ons, but as lvmyftm and Chloë both said, the whole "tab A slot B" thing is pretty instinctive (fairly certain sex ed. wasn't a set subject for Cro-Magnon, and it's not like you would normally learn it by example, yet we're still here), so that desire is probably still there, regardless of whether you have the equipment or not. So just because you use aids doesn't mean the sex or emotion behind it is somehow not as sincere or of a lesser intensity than if it's just your biological bits, it just means your body really likes the idea of penetrative sex.

I think. And if any of that makes sense and is kinda maybe relevant.

Ooh, and "gadget" is just something you can fiddle with that's useful, essentially. "A gadget is a small technological object (such as a device or an appliance) that has a particular function, but is often thought of as a novelty". (Totally not from Wikipedia).

[Guest Elizabeth K]

@&&*&@#&&**@

My reply erased! I hate the 'ctrl' button just under rhe left shift - it erases EVERYTHING!

Lizzy

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Minh,

Well, actually I was born genetically a male. Though from at least age 5 (probably before, but I can only remember so much), I have wished or imagined myself a female.

And all those years since (like about 58), I've done my best to fit into a male world that I really don't care that much for. (don't hate, just don't care) So, I've had a lot of time to examine and observe and just wonder why things are like they are. Why boys have such a strong desire to show off their manliness, and eventually realizing that it never, ever goes away. It just takes more subtle forms (at least from the semi-intelligent males I've encountered, the other ones are still stuck back in puberty).

I'm definitely far more into visible emotional displays than practically every other /straight/ male I've ever met. I could be intimate for hours with a partner without ever 'going all the way' and be extremely happy. I worry immensely about whether my partner is really satisfied or is trying to make me feel good. Do two females together ever have that problem of whether they know for real if the other was satisfied? I wonder. Culturally, there is a strong suggestion that males, once self satisfied, seldom care for the satisfaction of their female partner, and often accept assurances at face value. I'm far more into subtle forms of responses to be satisfied with a simple 'yes'.

To answer your question directly, as a male, I know I have female emotions. They often get in the way of pretending to present as a male.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest symempathy]

Mm, I have no experience whatsoever, but I think there may be some differences in all this.

(Sorry if none of this makes sense!).

Like...

If you're FtM, straight, gay, whatever, I think the reasons for using sex aids/strap-ons etc. can vary. For instance, if you just want to have a bit of rumpy-pumpy, I don't know that there's any particular meaning behind using an aid, it's simply a case that it facilitates action. And really, there are bioguys out there who've had accidents or bits amputated or whatever who also rely on strap-ons and so on, and lesbians do as well, and even bioguys who want to use two but are only naturally endowed with one, so I don't think using aids is necessarily an indicator of feeling inadequate, it's just a means to an end.

However if the aid you use is some gianormous uber-manly thing, then there might be issues of inadequacy. Maybe not, maybe it just hits the spot, as it were, but it *could* be a sign of wanting to compensate for an absence elsewhere.

Obviously you can have non-penetrative sex, or not use strap-ons, but as lvmyftm and Chloë both said, the whole "tab A slot B" thing is pretty instinctive (fairly certain sex ed. wasn't a set subject for Cro-Magnon, and it's not like you would normally learn it by example, yet we're still here), so that desire is probably still there, regardless of whether you have the equipment or not. So just because you use aids doesn't mean the sex or emotion behind it is somehow not as sincere or of a lesser intensity than if it's just your biological bits, it just means your body really likes the idea of penetrative sex.

I think. And if any of that makes sense and is kinda maybe relevant.

Ooh, and "gadget" is just something you can fiddle with that's useful, essentially. "A gadget is a small technological object (such as a device or an appliance) that has a particular function, but is often thought of as a novelty". (Totally not from Wikipedia).

Thank you, Remus

You have just unlocked what I wanted to ask but didn't know how due to my second-language English.

It's right that I thought using sex aids is like either party isn't satisfied enough, and intercourse is so important that one partner can get desperate if he/she can't get it.

Now I can sort of understand a bit why sex toys are used. Thank you for your explanation.

By the way, guys, when you use strap-ons or whatever name it is, is it on your quest or your partner's, especially women? Does it make you feel less of a man when your partner asks you to use those tools? I know that you have to go through a lot of pain and struggles to become who you feel right. Perhaps you don't have to care about prejudices at your workplace or school. But at the love department, it's the ultimate place where you can feel yourself the most, isn't it?

Therefore, Remus, despite of your vivid explanation, I still want to know why female partners of FTMs ask to be penetrated by a toy if you have an answer. Shouldn't they be satisfied with their men's real body and act of affection instead of having a strap-on? I mean if they want intercourse, their guys can finger them. It's not a penis, but it's his real flesh and touch. Isn't it better?

And to female partners of FTMs, this is not my intention to insult you. If I sound offensive, I apologize.

[Guest symempathy]

Hi Minh,

Well, actually I was born genetically a male. Though from at least age 5 (probably before, but I can only remember so much), I have wished or imagined myself a female.

And all those years since (like about 58), I've done my best to fit into a male world that I really don't care that much for. (don't hate, just don't care) So, I've had a lot of time to examine and observe and just wonder why things are like they are. Why boys have such a strong desire to show off their manliness, and eventually realizing that it never, ever goes away. It just takes more subtle forms (at least from the semi-intelligent males I've encountered, the other ones are still stuck back in puberty).

I'm definitely far more into visible emotional displays than practically every other /straight/ male I've ever met. I could be intimate for hours with a partner without ever 'going all the way' and be extremely happy. I worry immensely about whether my partner is really satisfied or is trying to make me feel good. Do two females together ever have that problem of whether they know for real if the other was satisfied? I wonder. Culturally, there is a strong suggestion that males, once self satisfied, seldom care for the satisfaction of their female partner, and often accept assurances at face value. I'm far more into subtle forms of responses to be satisfied with a simple 'yes'.

To answer your question directly, as a male, I know I have female emotions. They often get in the way of pretending to present as a male.

Hugs

Chloë

Thank you, Chloe

Sorry for my ignorant assumption.