Always Wondering

[Guest mia 1]

So once again I approach a birthday and once again my hidden gender demands daylight and fresh air and still day after day and year after year I wonder what, why and how does this envelopment of woman hood enter into my life and why is it so strong that I need my Mia time alone and so totally comfortable in that mode.....I don't know. Therapists don't know....and I've been to my share of them.....wife doesn't know and doesn't want to know...lady confidant knows and doesn't care but has no real interest in that part of my life....so I go on happy. sappy and wondering and sometimes very sad and then satisfied...

Porn doesn't do it and "coupling" with my wife doesn't do it....the only thing that works well are clothes. Mostly under clothes and the accessories don't seem that necessary...

So cool. have been this way for more than half a century and I'll pass on to the great Yonder and will go out and I wonder if the last thoughts I have will be as Mia or my male self..or a combination of both....

No don't misinterpret as suicide...just looking at the inevitable when you are reach a certain age......

[Guest ChloëC]

Mia,

I really do understand.

Moments alone, nobody really comprehending or really caring. And looking back at one's life and trying to make some sense of it all.

One of the joys and sorrows of aging.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Honey - one very dear friend to another here - I watch you struggle so!

And you have many here who love you - but did you see the flower/trees in Avatar? You touched them and they suddenly coiled up and shrank into the ground. You tend to be like that - we touch you and you seem to disappear. I decided the last time to let you have time, time to work things out. I knew you would be back - have to be here where people know you. And Mia, I know you fight it so, but my Mia, my dearest Mia... you are gender dysphoric - that's all. It isn't a disease, it isn't a perversion, you simply have this condition.

Now we are different you and I... and I know how it can be with you. I - like your therapist(s)- suspect you are not truly transsexual, because you so love the masculine part of yourself - not just the sexual aspects of your masculinity, but most all parts of being a man. And you seemingly truly love women way more, so you feel, than a transsexual MTF ever could. Who are you?

Then the next day you are truly a woman - heart and mind. It's so strong! It overwhelms! So then what is that called?

I say to you - stop adding and subtracting labels. Like me you are getting waaaaaaay to old for all this self doubt. It is better for me because I lucked out - found I was a typical MTF transperson - and opting to transition worked perfectly for me.

You are feel you are so unfortunate in that way - no resolution - at least so far. But I see an error in your thinking? Why not just give in - accept yourself "UNLABELED" and be that happy person you are... a male bodied person (no specific gender) expressing your feminine side when it is just right?

HA! A cross dresser on steroids? WOW - funny way to put it! But that is just a funny joke I made up. You may NEVER know what you are - WE may never know what you are - but so what!

We love you so much. You are a wonder - a sensitive and loving person, smart and funny, and a really good friend to have!

So MIA? My advice? Love yourself! And maybe just be what you are. Thats all I have to say - except HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Your devoted friend - Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Mia, my wonderful friend...

So nice to see you back from your travels...

Wow, it's getting to be that you and I and Lizzy and a few others can say that we go "way back" here at Lauras..

Lifelong friends...

When I saw that you were here I got excited to hear what you had to say...and how you've been....

I'm so happy that you stopped in....

You know what to do if you have anything ctyptic to say...ok?....lol

Love you so.....

Dee Jay

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Mia,

Sometimes there really are no answers. We just are.

If you can reach that happy place where you can experience your womanhood, then that is where you should be as often as you need

to. Whether anyone understands, even yourself, is really not important.

Happiness is a very transitory feeling, sweet Mia. It is as hard to capture as a flying butterfly or a wisp of wind, but when you

feel it, it is real and powerful.

Wear your clothes and be happy, my friend. For as long as it lasts, for as long as you last.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Emily H]

Life only exists through physical chance, as does everything, physics and chemistry, governed by math. the first life forms were merely chemical reactions that were conscious that they were chemically reacting. Humans are certainly more complicated, as our world is, but the fact is its all just physics and math, it always has been before humans or life at all, and it always will be physics math and chemistry after all life is gone forever. The fact that we have neurons in our brains that observe the world and process the information for data on survival.

In the end nothing matters, except what matters to those neurons. Why do they matter? Physics, math, chemistry.

[Guest mia 1]

And your point is?

We are just proto and ecto plasm floating around in a non feeling nihilistic pool of darkness with no control of ourselves. That everything we do is controlled by cosmic laws of the universe?

And that the free will we perceive is a chimera, an illusion and nothing is as it appears to be?

Extrapolate please.

Thanks,

A confused Mia