Don't Know What To Do

[Guest chngnwnd]

I have very little as far as masculine mannerisms left, but I must work as male to keep my job. I thought that people would just think I was gay and since where I live, gay people are protected from employment discrimination that I would be safe.

Apparently, I may not be. I am under a lot of pressure from administration (I am a teacher) because parents have called the school to tell them that they don't want me to teach their kids. I found out today that they were calling because they think I am gay. So even though it is against the law, I am afraid that I could lose my job because they think I am gay and some parents are bigots.

I don't know what to do because I am built very fem and act pretty girlie. I know that I can't change all of the sudden and act more manly - I just don't have that in me anymore - also I can't change how I am built (and I am not even on hormones yet). I need this job to pay for transition and support my kids - plus I love to teach.

I don't know what to do to protect myself. It isn't fair and it isn't right. I feel like I am going to vomit. I am totally stressed.

Bobbi

[Guest therisa]

Bobbi, have you asked your union rep for help, in dealing with this?

hugs,

therisa

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Bobbi......

Honey, you can't help how you are.....

But, I'm curious...what kind of pressure are you under from admin?

Are they asking you to act differently? Talk, move, be different?

Yeah, there's bigoted parents out there, but, they must get the info from their kids....

Is there any way that you can just tell admin that "you are NOT gay"...which is the truth..

If they are saying and spreading that..it can be used in court...I know that you just want to teach and not have to deal with all of this, but, document everything that is said and bvy whom and at what time and day...

If you were to decide to take it to court, you could get a settlement out of it..

'I'm so sorry that it's like this, Honey...but, please protect yourself....ok?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[JJ]

I suggest calling a lawyer or the AACLU to get some advise. Sometimes just the suggestion that you will make a fight of it is enough. And sadly this may only be one parent or two. But so often admin just doesn't want to stand up to them. Especially if they are troublemakers.

You are as you are. They have no proof that you are gay or trans or anything and have no possible grounds for firing you based on assumptions made because of your mannerisms. That would be asking to get sued.

As I said I think the only thing to do is not act scared or defensive but call a lawyer-there are some who would love to take on a case like this. The phrase "According to my attorney..." will probably be enough to ensure it all goes quietly away as a misunderstanding.

hugs

JJ

[Guest chngnwnd]

The principal says I need a "command presence" which I am starting to take as a euphemism for acting more masculine. I hate this. It's got me so stressed I am feeling ill.

Bobbi

[Guest Donna Jean]

The principal says I need a "command presence" which I am starting to take as a euphemism for acting more masculine. I hate this. It's got me so stressed I am feeling ill.

Bobbi

Do they tell a natal female teacher to have a "command presence"?

There are hundreds of thousands of teachers in this country....Are they all expected to do this?

Bobbi....I forget ...what is it that you teach?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest KimberlyF]

Contact the local Glaad and see if you can bring a lawyer into a meeting with you and the principal and ask them what exactly they mean by command presence.

Kim

[Carolyn Marie]

Good advice so far, Bobbi.

You need to know your rights, either under union rules, or the school districts anti-discrimination policy, or state law.

Once armed with the facts, you can fight back against any attempts to intimidate you. If they are not allowed to fire or discipline

you for being gay, they might try to find something else "legitimate," so be sure that you keep your "nose clean."

Document every conversation. Get every warning, admonition or suggestion in writing. Tell them you are seeking legal advice.

Don't let them take your rights away, Bobbi. Your career is important to you. Fight for it.

Good luck, hon.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ChloëC]

Bobbi,

Your state icon shows Maryland. If you are living or teaching in Maryland you may want to contact the office of Congressman Barney Frank. He may not be your congressman because I don't know the districts there, but he is openly gay, and I'm sure he or his office have a lot of clout or information or at least help that you may be able to use.

The best thing you can do, is get at least one person on your side. If you have a union representative, talk to that person, if it's in a private school, you'll have to look at your contract which probably prohibits discrimination based on gender or sex. Ideally, you would have a clean teaching record, with no (or very old) negative performance reviews.

What they can do (and in my home state, they strongly hinted to my mother who had taught for 30 years but they wanted a newbie just out of college for a lower salary), is try to give you some assignment that you won't like and have you resign. (they backed off with my mother and she took the standard retirement)

Command presence sounds extremely sexist to me and unless you're teaching boys wrestling (and even then!!!!), they sound to me like they are on very shaky ground and are trying to intimidate you. Not very good, and possibly illegal.

Hope you can get through this.

Hugs

Chloë

[Drea]

Legal action almost never can be used to help one keep a job. At best it can preserve a job temporarily, but unless it is only one or two individulas in admin who are the problem and they get removed during the course of the litigation the probability of it lasting is minimal. One may have the law on their side, may even get a settlement, but who really wants to work someplace where they are not wanted?

Before going the legal route, one also needs to consider just how that will look when one goes looking for a new job. What kind of references are you going to get from that employer that legal action was taken against. How many potential new employers might be inclined not to offer a position out of fear they will end up being the next lawsuit targets?

Unless you have the overwhelming support of the sudents and parents, it will be hard to fight the administration in such a way.

If you can get help from the union, that is a much better route to go.

One question I have is just how long have you been at this job? Has this been a long term position and this is comming up now because of your changes? Or is this a relitivly new position?

Right now you have "found out" that the parents complaints are because they think you are gay. The question is if this is the only thing or is it some other factors that you aren't aware of. Command presence may be a reference to being able to maintain control in the class. It is something that both men and women need when teaching.

The best way to protect yourself is to do a good job and maintain proper teacher-student boundaries. Don't compound the situation by handing the administration poor performance or inappropriate action reasons to remove you. Boundary breaking that may be glossed over or accepted when one is perceived as strait could be perceived as all too creepy by parents if your believed to be gay. This may not be right but it doesn't change the way it is.

I don't know if transition is something your planning. If so it may be time to start dealing with that as far as the workplace goes. In which case get your therapist involved or find a therapist before doing so.

The other way to protect yourself is to find another position.

Threatening legal action will not protect you. Such threats will almost always have the reverse action. Employers know that providing continued employment does not guarentee they will not be hit with a lawsuit. That contining the employer/employee relationship longer may actually add to any liability. Thus they will start to document any potential grounds for termination and get rid of you as soon as they feel they have enough cause. At which point they will deal with any lawsuit if one gets filed and will settle if they feel on the losing end. Might get you some cash but leave you with no job.

[JJ]

Actually I didn't mean you should rush to sue But schools are not regular businesses and they fear lawsuits. Especially in a situation were they are on very shaky ground. They are playing an intimidation game and you ave to be prepared to stand up for yourself and show them that you can't be intimidated or persecuted.

You do need to read your contract and get advise from a lawyer about your rights.

Have there been any complaints or problems regarding classroom control? Since you love teaching it's likely you are very good at it. If there have not been any problems you may be facing a homophobic individual either in admin. or a parent who has become a nuisance. Or both. If you back down they will just push farther.

You have a right to be yourself and have your career without intimidation on the basis of someone's perception of your possible sexual orientation Because I'm pretty sure that's the problem. If it is not brought into the classroom it is none of their business and you are protected from their prejudices. But only if you invoke that protection.

JJ

[Guest NatashaJade]

Do they tell a natal female teacher to have a "command presence"?

Actually, yes. They do. Different phrasing, mind you, but same message. Man up. Be tough. Male teachers with classroom management problems hear similar speeches. It's why so many students have nasty words for their female teachers and tend to gravitate towards the seemingly nicer male teachers. The ladies have to be super-tough while the men can be a little soft from time to time.

I hate that a few vocal parents can scare an administrator to tears and endanger a good teacher's career because of their bigotry. We're with you, Bobbi.

love

Gin