I'm A Transsexual Girl But I Want To Be Him.

[Guest Princess Elle]

I'm serious. I may be a girl on the inside but I want to be him so badly. Why? I hate being a freak. I do not want to spend the rest of my life as a transsexual because this will never ever end. After sex change surgery, the problems will always be there, like if I decide dating, I have to worry about being transsexual, if I decide to do something worthy enough to be in the newspaper, people will only see me "that crossdresser weirdo", I'll have to take female hormones for the rest of my life, I'll never be 100% passable, if I decide to get a job, I'll have to worry about the manager questioning me about what changes I made on my birth papers (In Australia, the birth papers tell if there have been changes or not) and god I can go on and on.

I'm on school holidays, already a week gone and the whole time, I dressed like a boy. I barely have any male clothing so I pretty much wear the same outfit everyday. I don't care because I'm too busy trying to run away everyday from my evil "step mother". I hate her enough that I'm willing to stop being me just so I can run away easily. I spent all day, everyday last week wandering in shopping centres and going to random appointments. Usually, I would sit and look at people and wonder what it's like being in the correct body sex and not noticing how it really affects your life. Everyday, every second of the day, I feel like crying but I can't because I'm too numb. Too much pain.

I keep thinking of advantages of being a male to try extremely hard to be able to pretend as one. I do not want to be a freak, I do not want to be myself, I do not want to be her. It is too freaking painful. Painful enough that I'm seriously going to drop out of school and move out of home because my parents cannot understand me at all and my evil "step mother" just really makes me angry. She cannot understand how much I hate seeing her, I hate her whining voice, I hate it when she asks me to do tasks that is her tasks and the fact that she stays home all day and get a lot of money from my dad for doing nothing. I do all of her jobs but I stopped last week and told her to go **** herself. She still won't back off, she stills keep asking me to do her tasks so that why I get out of the house as soon as I am awake and come home the same time my dad does because she annoys him at night. I'm learning how to survive with very little money and the fact I cut off all my benefits from my parents like getting clothes, beauty stuff, unlimited access to phone, anything like that. I literally don't care about clothes anymore, I stopped doing stupid beauty things and I pretty much don't care how ugly my face is getting - my bushy eyebrows are coming back, my beard is kicking in, my body is changing and my hair is going frizzy and horrible looking. I don't care. I'm a boy and that's just nature. That's the truth. The stupid truth.

Next week when school's back, I'm going to stop pretending how much I love it and show how much I hate it. How much I just want to drop out. I love being poor, it is so much more free than being rich. My parents are stupid rich snobs and I'm not anymore. **** that lousy bull stuff. I'm going to learn how to be a man because it's helping me to escape from home and being free. A huge advantage that I cannot resist.

Oh and another thing that's making me want to be him so badly is a shocking fact I learned about myself recently - I'm a "girlfag" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girlfag_and_guydyke and quoting what I mean: Girlfag refers to a biologically female individual who feels a strong romantic or erotic attraction towards gay or bisexual men, or their social environment.

I'm not a complete one sadly, I'm not a gay guy but I want to be. It looks fun. I like it. Which explains how I have been able to think that I'm a gay guy all those years back then before I found out I'm really a girl.

It's a bunch of things that's making me want to be a guy so badly and I'm seriously trying to link them all to something powerful enough to make me happy enough to pretend as him forever. Oh and I'll disappear from my life one day because I hate everybody around me. It's because they want me to be him but I refuse and this issue of mines will be a secret and nobody in real life will knows. However, whatever I do, I'm set on one thing - disappearing from this life because I do not want to be linked to my parents for a long time with money and the fact that my family and people around me are a huge annoying burden to me that makes me hate them. Loathe them.

My life freaking sucks. I really wish I was the age to drink because drinking sounds really nice right now.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I certainly don't recommend transsexuality to anyone - and in reality there is no such thing. Either you ARE or you AREN'T.

And transitioning is a very expensive process and it costs more than money, potentially you lose everything except yourself.

YET

Gender dysporia is a condition. It makes you go NUTZZZZZ... It is a horrible thing to cope with, and... you can't be anything except what you are. So "going back?" You can try - but in my experience (61 years of playacting) you really never succeed.

What works? get help from a gender dysphoria trained therapist. Accept what you are. Explore your options and see what your comfort zone may be. YOU DO NOT NECESSARY TRANSITION!

And if you feel the transition is appropriate, and your care-takers agree?

OKAY - please understand some things.

YOU WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A FREAK! It has a year to two years of awkwardness - when you are androgynous... then you WILL pass just fine and live your life as your true self.

Now - you have to use common sense - and NOT be flamboyant, and you need to heed what the threapists and the doctors recommend.

BUT

Transitioning works. I have had NO surgery... I am coming up to 22 months on HRT and I have been living full time (except work) since the first of May - and I am just another woman in the world. I thought I could NEVER PASS - but it works fine.

Oh - I am 6'-2" tall - but? No one seems to care - I am just a big woman in their eyes.

So I don't necessarily recommend transitioning, but I certainly DO NOT recommend denial. Take hold of your life. Be happy with whatever results.

Lizzy

oh oh oh - one more thing? DROP those sexual orientation labels. With people like us they don't mean anything.

[Drea]

Only a small portion of transsexuals transition and transition is far from the only treatment.

Most find some middle ground or ways to explor without such extreme interventions. Some may find therapy to provide enough help. Other may find some part time dressing in private enough. Still others may find hormones provides enough relief.

I known people who cross live part time, even up to to the point where work is the only place they aren't cross living. I known at least one who been cross-living full time for 10+ years without hormones or surgery.

The key theme here is they all found what works for them. And typically they didn't know how much some things heled till they went and did and discovered they didn't need more serious treatmetns.

My point here is that there are many ways of finding comfort and sufficient relief from the condition. Each person has their own needs. An open mind and a good professional can help one find what those things are.

Also recognize that gender issues tend to come with other issues. Those may not be as obvious, but the stress caused by those often is felt to be part of the gender issue. When one peels away those other issues to the degree that they can, often the gender issues don't seem as daunting to deal with or dominating in one's life.

[Guest Kalie]

Truer words have not been spoken. I just got that very lesson last night Lizzy.

You see last night my kids found out that there father (me) is a woman. It was a very emotional time. I wanted so badly to just tell then I was a man amongst men and that it wasn't true especially to my son but I couldn't I just lays there and Crys like the little girl that I am and told the the truth. I knew right then that I could never run from this again. Now I just have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I wish you all the luck Elle I hope everything works out for the best for you.

I can say though that running from this isn't going to make you a happier person

It will just bring its own problems that you will have to deal with sooner or later.

Love

Kalie.

[Carolyn Marie]

Elle you gotten some really excellent advice from Elizabeth and Kalie and Drea.

You can repress your feelings - I did for 20 years. But it never goes away completely, you never can completely forget that you are different, and it will come back, sooner or later. Like Drea said, there are different ways of dealing with it, and not everyone has to transition. But escape it completely, I doubt its possible.

Find a G.T., find out what your options are, explore your feelings, and hopefully you can find a middle ground that makes you comfortable and at peace with yourself. I'm not saying that the only way to achieve those things is to transition, just that

you need help figuring things out.

Oh, and neither you nor any of us are freaks, hon. I am a transgendered woman, and I am NOT a freak, and neither are you.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Annaemo]

Hi Elle, I'm guessing your young since you can't drink yet. I've been trying not to open the rum I bought a while ago even though it seems tasty right now . I kind of know how you feel about being trapped and not many friends who understand you. I think only other trans people can really understand how your feeling. Have you tried making friends with other trans people and talking to them about things? It seems much more normal when you find you only one of a huge number of people having these issues.

Another peace of advice I can give is while your step mum is not around try dress as you really want to and experiment a little. I'm not sure how it is for FtM trans people but I feel better wearing clothing and acting a bit more like the sex I feel. Maybe find a hair cut which is not over male but not too female too.

[Guest KimberlyF]

I wanted to be a guy too. I took a job to not be a girl and I got married to not be a girl and then I had a few kids to not be a girl and yet here I am still a girl and 41. It doesn't work. Hormones are a YMMV type thing. Denial about being a TS doesn't lead to a happy live for anyone ever.

Kim

[JJ]

Elle

Being trans is hard. But sometimes those people you watch walk by have hard situations too that you can't see. Some may have cancer or serious mental illnesses or any one of a thousand things that can beset and ruin your life if you let them. You really can't imagine what hells some people live in and walk through the world as if all was well.

It's easy to be angry. And easy to be bitter. Just sliding down a slippery slope into a hole of misery. Feeling sorry for yourself and hating the world. Anyone who has spent a lot of time in the world can tell you that there are many people like that. Alone and helpless because that is where that attitude leads. What is difficult is to decide to make the best of your life. So what if you were born different? Thousands are. Being angry won't change it. Being bitter will only turn away those who might have made a difference and shared your life at some point.

And being rich? There's nothing bad or good about it. I came from a rich family and I have been both rich and poor. Rich is certainly more fun and gives you a freedom while poverty can enslave. Poor only looks good when there is a choice. But what counts are your values and attitude. I've seen some pathetically poor rich people and some fantastically rich poor people. Being rich doesn't mean you have to be materialistic or shallow. Those are pitfalls to wealth but you don't have to fall in to them.

But the bottom line is that if you want to see yourself as a freak you'll be one. If you want to be miserable no one can stop you-and few will even try eventually. If you want a full life as a happy woman you can have it. The choice is all yours.

JJ

[JenniferB]

John makes a very good point. You are what you set your mind to. You have to make the best of life in what you are given. You feel like a female Elle so be one. Be the best female you can be and don't worry about what other people think. You need to do what makes you happy. If you are a girl and try to be a boy eventually it will catch up with you. Why live a lie and not be your true self? That will only lead to pain and misery, even though it seems like the easy path.

I hope you can find your courage Elle

Love Jenny

[Guest ~Brenda~]

In time, things will become more clear.

If you google "transsexual success stories" you will find out what is possible.

You will be amazed

Love

Brenda

[Guest Princess Elle]

Interesting..... I see how denial won't work. Unfair how Gender dysporia will stay there forever if I ignore it. My parents don't care about it though, they just want me to be "happy" pfft yeah right, they cannot understand at all how much I hate all this and I cannot approach them about dropping out of school so I'm just going to fail everything on purpose then run away from my parents before they get the chance to scream at me. I have no dreams/desire at all to have success in a career, seriously, I see a job as a thing to do for money. I don't want a job to be a career that evolves my whole life. Sadly, my parents cannot see this since my father is obsessed with his career/business and my evil step mother is a hypocrite for telling me to get a better education and a good job and she would tell me off if I start saying that I want to leave school and get a job. She does nothing at all and I know that she failed school and was forced to get a job in her time. Aha!

I don't excatly have a gender therapist because I'm underaged so I just have two children psychologists and an endocrinologist that is trying to figure out what to do with me. The Australian system sucks at this. Next week, when I see them, I'm going to make them tell me the truth and not avoid the question when I ask if it even possible for me to get on HRT before 18. I won't. I know so. Oh and I know that height doesn't matter and what I meant by looking like a freak is sometimes I see transsexual women who looks spooky having a male skeleton that's big and make their female body look pointy, wide, almost like a giant.

Crossdressing? Seriously? I don't even like female clothes, they make me feel fat, too tall, too wide, too manly, too small AND big, and dinosaur looking. It's really uncomfortable and male clothes are simply much more comfortable. Plus in male clothes, I only have ONE size. In female, I have like 10 different sizes, depending what part of clothing and the style of it. ARGH. I am hoping that if I get out of school soon and move out as soon as possible, that would be two big ugly burden off me and hopefully it will help me see more clearly.

Yikes, it must be really hard telling your children. Plus making them understand. Oh my.

I do not think I'll find a middle ground because I do not like female clothes on a male body. It seriously creeps me out. Eeeeeekkkk. Oh drinking is good. I do not make friends with other transsexual people because I'm more of a loner. I dealt with life the hard way way before this all alone and I will still do it all alone because I simply like being alone and it somehow became a habit. My step mother seen me in female clothes plenty of times and everybody else too. They simply tries to ignore it and see me as him. Losers. Which is why I hate them - they are trying to make an effort to SEE HIM not me. One of the big reason why I want to disappear from them one day.

Oh yes, being angry and bitter is very easy. I like being alone though, other people usually make me more angry and bitter. Eventually I'll find happiness, one day I will since this is impossible to ignore. I do not really care about people in real life so I'm usually rude to them and it's not usual of me. Oh well. Eh, being rich is lame. I do not like it, to me it is too boring. Poverty can enslave? Rich is more freedom and fun? Well, I would rather be poor but not in poverty as in, living life in a very simple way but able to enjoy it as well.

I do not really care what other people think, if I did, I would have done well in school, listened to my parents, joined outside school activities and did everything my controlling teacher said. I have a controlling teacher who tries to push me to become something really successful. I think she secretly chat with my parents from time to time about it.

I may see "transsexual success stories" when I feel like it.

Hmmm, that is all.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Elle,

I first want to recognize the courage you have already shown. I spent at least 20 years feeling guilt and shame over the feelings and cross dressing I did occasionally. It nearly killed me. I am not implying that you will go down any particular path. I will have spent the last 3 months of my life living full-time. I have had some rough experiences but the worst of it is now behind me. Your concerns about dating are the same ones I had. My experience though is something different. I have met a wonderful man who only sees Emily. I don't pass up close because I have a dark beard and need to shave daily. I am living in what I would say is the scariest enviornment for a transwoman. I am in a drug and alcohol treatment program with 140 men and 7 women including me. The are all veterans and many have spent significant amounts of their life in prison. The overwhelming majority of them are very supportive. Many will even give me a hug like any other women. They treat me as a woman in every way. They hold doors for me, they allow me to go infront of them in line. I thought I was a freak at one time also. I'm not and nor are you! We have a curable condition. I am not suggesting that you need to transition fully as I plan to do. I am suggesting that you continue your investigation and keep an open mind.

I only dated women in my previous life but because I kept and open mind I have learned more about myself and feel that I will most likely marry a man. The feelings of vulnerability and protection when in the presence of my date far exceeds in pleasure any relationship I was ever in. My life isn't perfect; no one's is, but I will take my life now over the life I had before. Now I have a chance for happiness, satisfaction, and most important of all honest relationships where people know and care about the real me and I don't need to hide anything from them. I now live a life of freedom. Before I was imprisoned behind a secret.

Huggs,

Emily

[Guest Princess Elle]

Elle,

I first want to recognize the courage you have already shown. I spent at least 20 years feeling guilt and shame over the feelings and cross dressing I did occasionally. It nearly killed me. I am not implying that you will go down any particular path. I will have spent the last 3 months of my life living full-time. I have had some rough experiences but the worst of it is now behind me. Your concerns about dating are the same ones I had. My experience though is something different. I have met a wonderful man who only sees Emily. I don't pass up close because I have a dark beard and need to shave daily. I am living in what I would say is the scariest enviornment for a transwoman. I am in a drug and alcohol treatment program with 140 men and 7 women including me. The are all veterans and many have spent significant amounts of their life in prison. The overwhelming majority of them are very supportive. Many will even give me a hug like any other women. They treat me as a woman in every way. They hold doors for me, they allow me to go infront of them in line. I thought I was a freak at one time also. I'm not and nor are you! We have a curable condition. I am not suggesting that you need to transition fully as I plan to do. I am suggesting that you continue your investigation and keep an open mind.

I only dated women in my previous life but because I kept and open mind I have learned more about myself and feel that I will most likely marry a man. The feelings of vulnerability and protection when in the presence of my date far exceeds in pleasure any relationship I was ever in. My life isn't perfect; no one's is, but I will take my life now over the life I had before. Now I have a chance for happiness, satisfaction, and most important of all honest relationships where people know and care about the real me and I don't need to hide anything from them. I now live a life of freedom. Before I was imprisoned behind a secret.

Huggs,

Emily

interesting... it sounded like you had it hard. That's terrible but as least you're now free.

It's 2:22am here and I cannot sleep sooo yeah plus I have a headache because I was thinking too much about this. god.