Opened Up Last Night

[Guest therisa]

Last night, I started to open up to a friend of mine, during a phone call, about my past, which I think he knew, but wasn’t totally aware, of the details, of my family life, as a kid growing up. Years ago, I told him, about the almost daily bullying that I experienced, until the end of grade 10, when I transferred to another high school. He has always, called me, “a survivor” even though, I do not feel like one.

Will admit, i was crying, as I told him, a brief edited version of this part of my life. How I feel, ashamed that I could not defend myself from my younger brother’s attacks. Even now, typing this out, the tears are threatening to unleash themselves on me.

[Carolyn Marie]

Therisa, do not underestimate the value of opening up to people, especially people who are empathetic and sympathetic. It allows you to put some of the burden of your thoughts and feelings on someone else, sharing the burden, if you will. That can relieve such stress on you, and give you the knowledge that someone else knows, someone else cares, someone else is out there in the dark of the night.

I'm glad you told your friend, whatever amount you confided in him, because it will help.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest therisa]

Wish it was so, Carolyn, Past day and half, I have been reliving those days over again, in flashbacks. It has gotten to the point, I don't want to sleep because of them. Manage about 3 hours of sleep, last night.

therisa

[JJ]

Therisa-Just keep saying to yourself -it is over . It isn't happening now. Isn't going to happen again.

You have to open up-even when the price is so high. Otherwise it just gains more power over your life and gets worse next time something triggers it.

You are here now and you are safe now. The past is no longer real. It is a memory. Thoughts . Have you ever tried restructurig that memory. everytime yo flas to him doing something to you then picture yourself wit a weapon in your hand beating the stuffing out of him for it. It's your memory. You CAN empower ourself in the past if you want to-and it is SO satisfying. When he starts to pushh you down the stairs picture yourself doing a martial arts move and turning the tables.

Our memories are never real. Always altered by time and perception and it not only does no harm to envision it differently, it can really help. Not that it will work te first time necessarily-or resolve things suddenly but it will help. How about writing a poem about what you do to him? Not what you remember happened but what you would have done if you could. About fighting back and winning. Because when you do that you are fighting back. And you will be wining. I promise.

Love

JohnJ

[Guest therisa]

Thanks for the suggestions, to handle these flashbacks, John.

therisa

[Sally]

Therisa,

Try using John's method after all revisionist history has always worked for governments, why not for you.

You do have to release it somehow or it will continue to haunt you - dismiss it by confronting him if only in your mind - as long as all you do is remember it there is no escaping his power over you.

If you cannot picture yourself physically beating him at least visualize disarming him and confronting him with the possibility of a reversal of positions - it is in your mind, you can control his reactions - give him greater reasoning abilities than he actually possesses and you will release his control over you because he is not doing it to you now so do not let the past cripple you.

I was never physically abused by anyone but never really treated with any respect at all and that wound has festered for decades, I am only now admitting that it is true, I thought may family was a loving and supportive entity but I now see that I was treated much like an outsider throughout my life with them and it is only after this realization that I can begin to deal with the devastating effects it has had on my life.

Don't put this off - deal with it tonight just control the dreams - make sure that in the flashbacks you are in control - it is working for me although not overnight I am feeling a little better about myself each day.

Love ya,

Sally

[JJ]

Hi Therisa,

As I said in my post on your poem I never meant to sound as if I wanted you to become the aggressor or the bully but to turn the tabes on your tormentor and take away his power by self defense. Whatever scenario you develop to get there is fine.

I am a believer in Ghandi and Dr. King. But I also have found out that sometimes if you want to live you have to defend yourself. I am not a good enough person yet to be beaten and not lift a hand in defense-or do what I must to defend myself.

But I believe physical violence is the last resort to be used only in self defense. And have never in my life raised a hand to anyone other than in that situation. I apologize that my suggestion to you didn't make that clear. Becoming your tormentor is soul destroying because not only is initiating violence-verbal or physical-wrong but having been a victim you know what you are inflicting.

Keep your good and gentle soul -just become your own defender in whatever way works for you to banish the past and live in the much better and freer today.

Love

JohnJ

[Guest therisa]

It's not an easy journey, which I am, about to embark upon, knew that before I started posting on Laura's, but being here, has helped in my dealing with various past issues that I haven't, yet talk about here. Hard to believe this, but I was, in a worse condition, two years ago, then now. Writing about it, will be my way that I will handle this problem, as well. Giving my words, a physical presence, which I have kept hidden for too long, within my mind. Just not sure, if I will posting them, that's all. Guess, it depends on how I feel, at the time of writing, but know, more than likely I not read them again, afterwards. Am, ok with that, better to move on and than stew in the past.

Sally, Am sorry that your childhood, was filled with neglect, especially when you have such a huge heart that you share with so many people here. Wish you well, on your journey of healing. You have already have helped me, on mine, and this only the early days here. John, it's ok, I found out the hard way, violence doesn't solve anything, except cause more pain, for both sides. Am not pacifist, but that philosphy has some strong tenets that I agree with.