Slightly Confused, Mostly Positive

[Guest ErikTheDreamcatcher]

The road to this point has been terribly rough, twisty, disorienting, and filled with pain-inducing potholes a mile wide. But right now, I'm not in the mood to elaborate on that. Maybe some other day when I'm trying to dig deeper into it all...beh, I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm so tired xD

Sorry this seems a little jumpy...it's late, and I should be asleep xc

Anyway, my sexuality.

I've been looking around for a while, but not too long on this site in particular. So if there is already a topic about this, I'm sorry for not coming across it yet.

Thing is...I feel bizarre about who I am.

To put it simply, I feel that I am this:

a transromantic asexual transgender ftm.

Yessir, pretty long title there.

Thing is, I am not a sexual person. I hold no desire to engage in sexual activities, nor am I interested in watching them. I actually believe myself a bit of a genophobe, really. I cannot recall a time in which I've felt sexually aroused. Growing up, I always believed myself normal in that aspect. Until my first boyfriend, who I began to date when I entered college. He pressured me into sex, and it took a long time for me to allow him to even touch me. This wild fear would draw up from nowhere whenever he attempted to get intimate; I would shove him away, scream, tremble, and basically break down. Eventually I got over it, and let me tell you, I didn't understand one bit what was so great about sex. I got NOTHING out of it. In fact, I hated it, and found it a waste of my time. I loved my boyfriend, I really did, but he refused to accept my request to avoid engaging in sexual activities. He turned into a depressed pile of poo, all because I wouldn't play with his nether regions. In the end, he proved to be a selfish buttplug, and I dumped his rear after a near three year relationship.

I've always been tom boyish, both in style and attitude. Many males liked me for that; I'm pretty nerdy too, which is rare in most girls (or so I'm told, I don't believe it, honestly). Due to this, I've had several stalkers, all male. It seems that people will become insanely obsessed with me, and from there it gets annoying and scary. Almost all of them were friends first, and just because I was nice to them, they naturally assumed that indicated that I wanted in their pants. My last stalker...I explained to him right from the beginning that I pretty much despised men for their overly sexual personalities and how it always ruined friendships. We were good friends for a while, we'd go bowling, play Frisbee golf and what not. Eventually, he attempted to kiss me, and I flipped out on him. It was completely unexpected. I was even dating a girl at the time, for crying out loud! I'd told him several times over I considered myself a lesbian. Apparently he could not understand that. However, I forgave the incident, as it seemed clear he realized the mistake he made. Time went on, and one night after I'd had a few drinks, he assumed I wouldn't remember what was going on, so he groped me and attempted to get on top of me. That was the end of that. He tried to insist that I didn't like men and sex because I "haven't been with the right man." He was the third one to use that pathetic line. I cut him out of my life, and have basically cut straight men out of my life as well.

Now it all gets weird. You see, I don't hate men, not by a long shot. It's just those overly heterosexual cocky ones that no one really likes? Yeah, I can't stand them. Unfortunately, those are really the only type of men around here, thus all I've been exposed to. Anyway, off the men topic. At this point, I pretty much considered myself a homoromantic asexual, telling people I was a lesbian just to make it easier for them to understand. Time progresses, and I realize that I don't think of myself as a homosexual female. I view myself as a bisexual...male?

Honestly, I've wished several times that I was born a male, so I could be a homosexual man. I identify as a man, and while I do like women, I believe I'd prefer a male companion.

I felt like one hell of a freak.

Until recently. I have known of transsexuality for a long while, and I knew that I did not fit in that category.

I was 'blessed' with rather large assets, as both sides of my family contain well endowed women. I have never ever ever liked my breasts. In fact, I HATE them passionately. They shouldn't be there, they shouldn't be part of me. They aren't part of me. I bind to the best of my ability, but they're so large they've really got nowhere else to go. I use an ace bandage, though I know it's not recommended. I have to bind so tightly that it hurts my breathing (and I have asthma, which only makes it all worse), but I get used to it eventually. There are bruises, and I don't care.

I don't care that I'm harming myself, because I loath these stupid fat deposits so strongly that I will do whatever it takes to hide them, even if it's painful.

I hate my body.

It isn't the body I'm meant for.

And yet, I have no desire to alter my lower genitals. Do I enjoy having a vagina? No, I don't. I wish I could just be...blank, like a ken doll. And though I identify as a man, I do not want a penis. If I was born with one, that'd be fine. But I wasn't. I don't want that type of surgery. I always thought that made me some kind of messed up freak of nature. Within the last month, however, I've learned of transgenderism. I don't feel like such a lost, mixed up fool anymore.

For all I've spouted, it may seem like I'm sure (or it may not).

Thing is, I think I'm only doubting myself because of fear.

I openly crossdress, and hold no shame in that fact. I act very manly through mannerisms and speech, etc. Just this Saturday I went to a cider mill wearing a full men's suit, strutting around like I owned the place. I'm usually EXTREMELY shy; I suck at socialization. I never make eye contact, or talk to anybody; quiet and withdrawn, no self-confidence to speak of. However, pretending I was male so strongly in public empowered me. I looked directly into the eyes of strangers, nodding in acknowledgment at fellow men as they passed. I held my head up high, stood up straight and felt like a king. I even winked at a few girls. Some people were obviously confused as to my gender, and I loved it. It's the happiest I've felt in a long long time.

My only fears...hurting my mother, who loves me very much and is extremely understanding. I'm near positive she'd support me, but I'm scared none-the-less. She doesn't even know I'm dating a girl, or that I even like girls. She hates bisexuals, so that'll be a fun bridge to cross as well. Even though I'm scared, I know I need to come out to her soon. I'm being eaten alive by hiding.

My other fear is, of course, being rejected by others I love. My close friends would understand, and probably not even be that surprized if I were to begin taking hormones. The rest of my family may have issues, but we're not very close. My girlfriend's mother, though...my now girlfriend has been my best friend for ten years, and her mother has never liked me. That woman is a judgmental, ignorant jerk, she really is. She told her daughter that she would hate her if she was gay. Hate. Obviously, she is not privy to our relationship. If I were to start transitioning, she would never allow me in their house again, and never want me near her children. While my girl and I are both in college, we can't move out of our parent's homes due to the crappy economy. And while I know my girl would never stop seeing me just because her butt of a mother said so, it still hurts knowing that said butt mother would rather jab a pointed stick in my eye than have me talk to her daughters. That woman seriously needs therapy: she has a lot more problems than I'm expressing here, and she really is a rotten person. Not very smart either, but that's beside the point.

I already see a psychiatrist for my severe clinical depression (I suffered a closed head injury when I was in jr high, and it's messed up my life pretty bad. I've gotten over almost all of it though), and I have an appointment in a few weeks, I believe. I'm going to try and build up my strength and bring this up in our session, because I'm sick of hating myself. If she can send me to a gender therapist, then I think I can get on the path to wherever I need to go.

So, I'm still a little unsure about hormone treatment, though. I would love to grow facial hair (I draw it on all the time), and being flat chested and deep voiced would be a dream come true. My voice is already pretty deep, though, but whatever. Main thing I'm concerned about is a personality change. Would I become angry and hostile? Would I suddenly gain a strong sexual drive?

Other than that, I'm pretty sure that I'd like HRT.

Hopefully I can see a gender therapist and make some progress. Until then, here's the skeletal structure of my situation. Sorry I went on so long, but I fell into a rambling spell and let it run rampant xD

Any comments, suggestions, or anything else are completely welcome. I'd like to start talking to people, about anything really :3

I love Marvel Comics, if that's a conversation starter xD

And Monty Python<3

Thanks for reading my blabber, folks c:

Sincerely,

Erik

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Good morning, Erik

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean

I was thinking of moving your post to the Introductions forum, but after reading what you wrote, i decided to leave it right here..

"What am I?" is the most asked question trhat we hear....

So, come on in and have a seat and I'll fix you up with a hot slice of pizza and a cold glass of lemonade...

Then you can kick off your shoes and just relax....OK?

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the top of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone..

I ask every new person to read the rules....(not picking on you....lol)

It's really nice to meet you....

Please post and enjoy the forums!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Erik,

Welcome to the forums hon

Indeed, you are searching very hard for yourself.

Stick around here Erik. You will find what you seek.

Love

Brenda

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Erik,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Wondering exactly what we are is a question I think practically all of us have asked ourselves at one time or another (or most the time!). Too bad there's not a one size fits all answer. Just something you'll have to work on. Coming here is a good start. So is talking to a professional, whether it's your current psychiatrist or even better a gender therapist.

I've dated girls that stated very clearly upfront they did not want to be kissed. Always made me wonder how anyone would ever get close to doing anything else. But for just going out and having a fun time in a group, it was fine with me.

Oh, and anyone who likes Monty Python is ok in my book. We're happy you're here and hopefully you can find some help in answering your question.

Hugs

Chloë

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Erik.

I have to admit, yours is one of the more confusing and interesting intro posts I've read in a while, and I mean that in a good way.

I like hearing of things a bit out of the ordinary, and around here, you have to go a ways to be out of the ordinary.

Don't stress yourself over labels, hon. There is no need to put yourself in any kind of a box or put a label on yourself. Just explore the

forums, ask questions, and figure things out for yourself, with a little help from the members. They are the greatest source of info and

advice.

I look forward to reading your posts.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie