Update On Samantha

[Guest SamanthaJane]

One month & twelve days so far. Just wanted to drop in and give y'all an update.

Weeks 1-3: Captain's log

The sense of loss receded rather quickly, again being comforted that Samantha is not gone, just put away. Probably 2 or 3 times tops where I really felt like I wanted to dress in something. Still identifying with someone's skirt, shoes etc. Overall not too bad. Communication with spouse: nil.

Week 4: The countdown

At this point I realize how close to a month it has been, counting down to the 23rd, which will mark a month. I had thought setting my dressing aside would make it easier to discuss. I did not anticipate the guilt and shame to come back so strongly. At this point I think about getting dressed up at least a couple times a day. On the "month" date I mentioned the significance of that day to my spouse, she responded with a "how are you doing" and I pretty much said that I felt the need a few times so far, more frequently that week. She went back to what she was doing. I really began to fear at this point I had put the genie back in the bottle so to speak, and she had gotten comfortable with it being that way. Again, didn't make it easier to bring it up on subsequent occasions.

Weeks 5-6: Soul searching

As the subject is now always on my mind I began to turn my gaze inward. I had a single thought that seemed to kick my rear back into pro-active mode. I will preface this thought with the statement that no one needs to worry about me here, I am loving life and wouldn't give this a second thought (and I haven't). The thought was how much easier it would be for everyone if I weren't around. Now the fact that I even thought this for a second scared the bee-gee-bees out of me and I decided that bottling it up is not going to be a good long term solution.

I decided that I needed to suck it up and just talk to my wife about it again. My current goal is to be free with who I am, however that turns out. I am thankful for the guidance/encouragement I have received from a particular member, who knows who they are if they read this. (Hi big sis!) My Husband Betty was recommended to me, and I used that to start a conversation with my wife.

Today, Lunchtime:

As my wife works 3 or more night shifts a week, (it did give me plenty of time to dress) I decided I couldn't put it off any longer. I decided to go home for lunch to talk to her about it. I'm so glad I did. Told her I was interested in ordering this book, and asked if she would be interested in reading it along with me. I figured it would help me get more used to talking with someone about the subject having the subject matter to discuss. (I've spent all my life steeling myself into not sharing with anyone, so I know now I really have to work at it)

Her response was a positive one, that she wouldn't mind reading it with me, asked if it was long, and went back to what she was doing. Now I had been misinterpreting this as disinterest, but she chose to elaborate this time.

"It's just not that big of a deal to me, it just turns into a big deal whenever you talk about it. I've done everything I can to make you feel comfortable talking with me, and you still hid things from me. It made me feel like there was nothing I could do to help you."

Of course she was right. I've been the only one with the problem so far. She has been nothing but supportive. When she handles conversation so casually, she is trying to tell me that it is alright, I accept this about you, I know this is a part of you, and I want you to be comfortable being yourself.

Aftermath:

The book is ordered, and life goes on. My goal is still to be open with her regarding all aspects of my life, so I want to work on conversation and finding that balance and feeling of safety before I start to bring Samantha back out again. I owe it to myself and my wife to do so.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi SamanthaJane,

Thanks for sharing your update with us. I know a little about misunderstanding communications. We want to hear certain things so badly, that when nothing comes, it's like, what am I doing wrong?

You've got a good thing going with your spouse. I hope both of you are able to keep the communication going and both see positive things from it.

Let us know how how you both react to the book. I've seen it advertised enough, thinking maybe I should look it up.

Hugs

Chloë

[Carolyn Marie]

Samantha, it sounds like you're in a pretty good place right now. Yes, there are a lot of things on your mind, but with a supportive spouse,

I think you can get through it all right.

The pink fog can be a powerful thing, and its up to you whether to fight it or let it enfold you. Only you know what's best.

Thanks for the update, hon, and keep us posted on how things go.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest SamanthaJane]

Speaking of letting it enfold me, I added a couple photos to my profile from today's dress up. Weekend to myself, couldn't resist getting all dressed up. I never stop being amazed by how much of a relief it is when I just allow myself to express myself freely.

Anyone who adds me as a friend should be able to see them. The photos that is.

[Carolyn Marie]

Samantha, you are just adorable. I totally love the skirt.

I'm very impressed with your makeup, too, hon. You look smashing!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sharah]

Samantha,

Your pics are great, you are so pretty.

[Guest SamanthaJane]

Thank you for the kind words, I guess I kind of got wrapped up in the whole thing (who doesn't?) and it was from about 9am when I started the shower & shave, and it was just after 1pm when I finally got to uploading those photos.

Well, all in all it was time well spent... Got to do my nails, the eye makeup took forever (which I don't even know if you can see from the pics), I kept going back to youtube videos before deciding to forget the eyeliner.

But after all the preparation I am very happy with how much I got done around the house. (Anything is an excuse to walk around in heels!) And had a "happy ending cry" with a movie on netflix. Just washed my makeup off and moisturized and got into pj pants and a cami.

-Samantha

[Guest ChloëC]

Samantha, love your pictures. Understand about the eyeliner - what a pain, and yet, it certainly makes the eyes at times. Makes me envious and brings back thoughts of times I've done similar, including a glass of wine.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest SamanthaJane]

Got the book in the mail today, will leave it out for the wife tonight, wish me luck!

[Guest sarah f]

Good Luck, I hope it opens your wifes eyes to what you are going through. Let us know how it went.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

*whew*

Ok, we'll be waitin'...

Good luck, Honey..

Huggs

Donna Jean

[JJ]

Good luck hon!

JohnJ

[Guest ChloëC]

Samantha,

I hope things work out for you and your wife. Open communication is the best way, but it can certainly be difficult at times.

Good luck

Hugs

Chloë