Are You A Boy? Girl?

[Guest Micha]

First, how many people get asked this, like regularly? At all?

Are they asking about your identity? About how you feel or where on the "spectrum" you relate to most? Or do they just wanna know what's between your legs?

Then. . . how does/would the answer effect how you're treated? Do people treat you differently when it turns out you're not what they thought you were?

I guess this is another look into gender roles, but more about how people around you behave in relation to what they perceive your gender as. It's almost like, as with how you're expected to act according to your sex, people's treatment of you will vary depending on what gender they see.

[Guest Donna Jean]

First, how many people get asked this, like regularly? At all?

Hmmmm, interesting.....I've never been asked..

Are they asking about your identity? About how you feel or where on the "spectrum" you relate to most? Or do they just wanna know what's between your legs?

Nope! No panty checks so far!

Then. . . how does/would the answer effect how you're treated? Do people treat you differently when it turns out you're not what they thought you were?

I guess this is another look into gender roles, but more about how people around you behave in relation to what they perceive your gender as. It's almost like, as with how you're expected to act according to your sex, people's treatment of you will vary depending on what gender they see.

Well, being MTF, I strive to cue as female as possible and I want to be totally percieved as female...

But, I do agree that people's treatment of you will vary depending on what sex thay percieve you to be....

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest sarah f]

I have not been asked since I don't pass well enough yet. I have had many double takes when looking at me but never asked.

Just like we don't want to say anything when we think someone is trans, I don't think others want to be wrong either.

[Paula ult]

Micha hon,

I have only been asked that once 1-1/2 years ago, i was not officially full time yet, at a voting place when i asked a man where my street was voting, he looked me up one side and down the other and asked if i was a man or woman, since i did not have my name changed yet i told him i was a man as to not create problems for myself, he really had no right asking that question but i was kinda on a high that day since several men held doors opened for me and him wondering kinda made me think of going full time sooner than later.

Paula

[Guest Micha]

Micha hon,

I have only been asked that once 1-1/2 years ago, i was not officially full time yet, at a voting place when i asked a man where my street was voting, he looked me up one side and down the other and asked if i was a man or woman, since i did not have my name changed yet i told him i was a man as to not create problems for myself, he really had no right asking that question but i was kinda on a high that day since several men held doors opened for me and him wondering kinda made me think of going full time sooner than later.

Paula

Good point. For a transsexual it must be gratifying to have people question your gender. Kind of a checkpoint to say "almost there." To have people see your true gender instead of nature's physical goof would be great.

For non binary it must be different. I was asked by a child, once. It didn't offend me, but the child's mother was unnecessarily perturbed by it. However, I'm quite easy about how I'm perceived, I'm too masculine now, in appearance, to ever pass as anything else. I've accepted that (not happily, just like, what can ya do), but for others it may not be so frivolous, how one's perceived. I mean, even with acceptance, I still long to look different, to be comfortable with my shell. So for people who don't share my polarized genetics, I wanna know how they feel about it.

And, I'm still uneasy with how important your gender is to other people.

[Guest Silver Dreams]

I never get asked if I'm male or female although I get tons of comments like: "You aren't very girly." or "You kind of act like a man.". I also get lots of questions like: "Why don't you wear makeup?" "Or why don't you like purses?"

I think it is interesting being female and being androgynous. I rarely ever get chastised for my masculine behaviors, but the feminine behaviors that I don't display are always nitpicked at and almost always by women.

[Guest Chrysee]

I have never been asked what gender I am, but throughout my entire life I have been asked more times than I can count if I was gay (that is when I wasn't being told that I was!)

And when I say 'gay', I am simply being polite. That's not quite how it was said most of the time.

To be honest now that you've got me thinking about it, as I work on my appearance I would love to be asked that.

We'll see.

Chrysalis

[Guest Sotha]

I actually go entirely by semantics here. If someone asks me if I am a boy or a girl or a man or a woman (though I'm too young for those last two c:), I say that I am a girl/woman, because I am. If they ask if I am male or female, however, I will say that I am male; and then I'll say that I am actually a girl though.

I just feel that they refer to different things.

[Guest Nikki A]

If asked, i will respond with "well define for me what a boy or girl is, then i will probably say i don't fit either description "

hugs, Nikki

[Guest stranger]

If someone asked me now if I was a man or a woman...and i wasn't in a situation where they had power to wreak negative consequences in my life...I'd say "Yes."

Then I'd have to tell them sex and gender aren't the same, even though most people think they are...That my sex is biologically female...but my gender is somewhere between male and female, so I don't like to think of myself as female or male, but a blend of both. And at some point, I *might* take a low dose of male hormones to become more androgynous, but I am more likely not to.

At some point during which they'd probably tell me it was all a bunch of crap and quit listening...*shrug* but you have to put your own truth out there.

[Guest Micha]

Thanx for the replies.

Trying to picture explaining to jus anyone about androgyny or non-binary genders is amusing.

[Guest GKay]

I was actually asked this question a few weeks ago. And who was the inquisitive one? A three year old little girl. I was in the bathroom at a water park, and for reasons unknown to me a parent actually allowed their daughter to go into the restroom by herself. So, since she had no one else to help her along, she was asking me to help her reach the soap and wash her hands. All of this was done in silence since kids make me uncomfortable at best- yet they always seem to target me as the one to help them. When she was done she finally asked me to lift her down off the counter, at which point she gave me an extremely analytical once over and asked, quite seriously, "Are you a girl?" I can see where the confusion came from- we were in the girls bathroom, after all, and my appearance is that of an effeminate male. I was so shocked I just sort of made some noncommittal sound and shrugged.

[Guest Kaisada]

I think people have a natural curiosity to ask, simply because we're conditioned from birth by society to only -see- two genders in existence. It can be fascinating, or strange, to the one that has never had opportunity to properly appreciate those who deviate from that. It's not necessarily ill-intended, and these people themselves probably don't know what they mean exactly, to be honest - it's just an instinctive inquiry that is the result of social conditioning.

[Guest Soran Vs]

I get asked all the time. I usually say that I'm male because I'm more masculine than feminine anyway, and prefer male pronouns.

[Guest Alder]

hmm I don't get asked /to/ often. I often get people trying to insult me by calling me a man, which only makes them look like an idiot since all it does is cheer me up ^.^

My favourite moment recently though was when this way to over talkative child was bugging me and my friend while we played at the park with our small children. And after a bit of trying to get us to share our food(not gonna happen mind you)She looked at me and flatly asked "are you the mommy or the daddy" both me and my friend stared at her for a long pause and busted up laughing, then informed her that I was my daughters mom, and my friend was the other kids mom. Though, I also think she might have just mistaken me for a butch lesbian... of which I certainly am not.

[Guest Eric6]

I get *assumed* to be male, rather than asked, usually when I'm not expecting it at all :-) Usually by (a) elderly people who probably have a much stricter idea of "male" and "female" clothing than younger folk or ( busy types like servers at a fast food restaurant or ticket-checkers on the train. Once a friend's mother (very elderly) who knew the answer, announced that it would be really hard to tell, given what I was wearing :-) Jeans, t-shirt, peaked cap. I helpfully took the cap off and she said, "That doesn't help!"

I wouldn't say it happens often, but several times in a year, at least.

Alex

[Guest Zeda]

I don't mind being asked. It is actually a bit of a confidence booster for me, sometimes. I have had people think I was FTM and that was pretty cool. But normally, the main question I get isn't "Are you a Boy? Girl?" it is "are you gay?" However, here at college, people don't assume much when it comes to gender or sexuality. Where I live, people seem to connect androgynous behavior with some level of homosexuality. It was a pleasant surprise when I got to college and I with my my makeup, jeans and t-shirt style, and competitive attitude in sports was taken in stride. My roommate just assumed I was heterosexual as did most other people. Pretty much, the only people who ask about my gender (or sexuality) are the ones interested in me, so that is why when people ask, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside \()/

Of course, when my mother asks if I am male or female, it is a tad awkward...

And when my girlfriend asked me after about a month of going out if I was a girl or a guy I felt all warm and fuzzy, too.

[Guest Riam]

Well, it depends how educated the person asking is. Often people won't understand the difference between sex and gender. But it's nobody's business what's between my legs, so I answer as related to gender, and say I'm neither. And yes, I have been asked. Normally they just look kind of confused and awkward and then understand better.

[Guest Matt and Mia]

Depending on wether or not they might actually know I'll mark one or the other, usually I mark male since people tend to look at those silly school survays.. though I think the next time I'll mark both and write a little bubble out to the side for a third, just to mess with them.

Do what you want because pirates are free? I dunno if you're a pirate, but if you are you should totally join my crew! Promise I won't make you swab anything with poop in the name... That'd just be gross...

~ M+M

[Guest stranger]

I was really pleased with my local Red Cross when I went in for a CPR renewal...they had a column for "male", a column for "female", and one for "other"!

So I put a check in "female" and a check in "other"...

[Guest Chrysee]

I got to thinking about this the other day, basically because it happened again.

The one question that I am most often asked. . .I was being pre-registered for an upcoming M.R.I. Now because I have a number of chronic pain issues, I find that I can no longer lie inside the tube for any length of time. I raised a mighty fuss this time, going so far as to threaten to not go through with it. At last, they agreed to general anesthesia.

Now a nurse called the other day to do the pre-registration, and the questions just seemed to go on and on. At last, I chuckled and informed her that neither was I pregnant nor menstruating. Well, the silence kinda told me that she didn't find it funny. Sooo, I finally broke the silence, saying: 'But I am transgender. Does that matter?'

'Yes, I suppose it does.', she replied.

Her next question was a first:

'Were you born biologically male?'

But her next question was the one that I swear that I hear more often than any other:

'Do you go by a different name now?'

Pretty cool, I think.

Chrysalis Priscilla

[Guest shatteredpan]

The feeling I get is that, like it's been mentioned already, humans are conditioned to see either a male or a female. So when they can't tell, it's natural for them to ask. For most humans, the first thing they notice about anyone is their perceived gender. And yeah, I've been asked that several times. If I'm in a safe enviroment and don't have to worry about harrassment or assault, I tell them I'm a human being and leave it at that

[Cyndee]

Interesting post, I enjoyed reading this.

My perceived gender was questioned by an 8 year old girl to her mother recently at the grocery store as I passed by with the cart, "Mommy was that a boy or a girl ?" I heard clearly. Her mother quietly answered her and I did not hear the response. It really does bother people's perception if they can't place you in a catagory, becomes uncomfortable for most.

Cindy -

[Guest SidESlicker]

Lols, I work with kids, so I get asked this all the time...

It's really interesting, because around the ages four to six, your gender roles have already been constructed and it blows your mind when something doesn't fit, like a butch woman, or a man who isn't really that into sports and would rather put on a dress.

How often do I get asked? Once a week at least.

Are they asking about your identity? About how you feel or where on the "spectrum" you relate to most? Or do they just wanna know what's between your legs?

With kids it's different... some of them are confused and just want to know what pronoun to use. Other's want to be reassured that your gender expression matches your sex and that'll rest all the nagging doubts in their mind that you're different.

Remember, these are little kids, so whenever something unfamiliar enters their environment, it's pretty much a time stopping event. They try to wrap their minds around the fact that a girl *can* have short hair, lots of muscles and walk and talk like their big brothers do.

Then. . . how does/would the answer effect how you're treated? Do people treat you differently when it turns out you're not what they thought you were?

hahahah, oh yeah the answers affect me. If I tell them I'm a girl, they freak out. Questions come popping out why I dress the way I do, why I look the way I do, and why I act the way I do. I've had a little girl flat out tell me that she wasn't going to call me a girl unless I taught class in a dress. I laughed and tickled her until she forgot about it.

I tell them I'm a boy and most of them drop it, but I'll still get a bunch of kids eyeing me up and down, then telling me "but you can't be a boy! You're a girl!" And then more awkward questions like "but what were you BORN as?" "what's your REAL name?" (my coaching name is "Fuzzy") "You're not like the OTHER boys!"

And besides, each time I tell people that I identify with one gender, I feel a small part of me curling up and looking down at the ground. It's a side of me that has to be nursed with chocolate and petting.

Lately, I've been telling kids that it depends on the day.

"Are you a girl or a boy?"

"That depends on the day honey"

"It's a monday"

"Then I am a giraffe. Go do your pull over"

[Guest Micha]

"Are you a girl or a boy?"

"That depends on the day honey"

"It's a monday"

"Then I am a giraffe. Go do your pull over"

That's brilliant!

Yeah, with kids it's entirely different. It's not judgment, it's honest curiosity and trying to grasp everything they've known up 'till then. Seems like a reminder of how early and how strong the non biological differences between boys and girls are set.

I can't remember exactly what I read to inspire this thread, but I'm fairly certain it was more about what adults mean with the question. Honestly, no adult has ever been bold enough to ask; I'm sure it would seem rude. However plenty have doubted, and not as inconspicuously as they'd like to think.

I mean, there's people who are absolutely shocked (or even grateful ) when they find out that I married a woman and had children. Like A) would it really be that big an issue if I fell in love with a man and heterosexual guys can't be like me? Holy Cow!?

Kinda off the point I guess, but there you are.