The Dreaded Conversation Has Happened

[Guest Sharah]

Tonight my wife and I were eating our dinner and watching House in the living room. The dish had a problem and the show was on hold. We were sitting in silence waiting for the show to come back on. I was feeling guilty having spoken with everyone in my family except her. I openned the conversation by saying I had something I needed to discuss with her. Then I spilled my guts to her.

She first responded by asking what I wanted her to say. I said tell me what you are thinking. She asked if I was going to just move out and live on my own. I told her that is not what I want to do. She asked how the boys had reacted and I told what each one of them had said. She said, "So are you just going be their other mother now." I said no I would always be their father.

She then brought on the guilt trip about how I have stolen 24 years of her life and how 23 years ago when our daughter was stillborn and we had couples conseling to help us handle that I should have brought this up then. She then went on to guilt trip about how our marriage has been devoid of sex for the last 18 years and she would have liked to have had alternatives. She pointed out that I had not appologized to her for this, I said when I told you how much I was fearful of this conversation and how she might react that was my "I'm sorry this is affecting to you." I told her I wanted to continue to be a family with her and our sons. I told her how this process would take years to complete and in the meantime I fully intend to continue to present as male unless and until that becomes impossible.

I explained how I just can't go back to totally confused adn hellish state that I was in before.

We ended the conversation wihtout any raised voices or name calling and since that we have been silent to each other. I thikn now I have to give her time to digest what I have shared and let her sort out her thoughts and feelings and when she is ready she will bring the subject up to me again and we can go on with our conversation and discover what will happen next.

Some insight and support is needed right now.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Some insight and support is needed right now.

Ok...I have some.....

Now is the time to just give her space....don't bring anymore up to her in relation to this ...she needs to digest what you have told her...may take a couple days or weeks...

She'll probably start the next part of this and if she is computer literate, she may go on and do a lot of reading...

I'm wishing you the very best....

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest KimberlyF]

Good luck. Maybe sleep with one eye open and a bottle of holy water under your pillow wouldn't hurt in case things turn ugly. Hopefully she gets over the shock and comes around.

Kim

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sharah darling,

One of the most typical responses from those closet to you is that they feel betrayed and all those years were a lie.

None of those years were a lie. All of those years were genuine. Believe me, I have had this same conversation with so many of my family members. It is important for you and for your wife to understand that being transgendered is not something that most people (you and I included) ever really understood about ourselves and that we lived our lives with sincerity. I worked hard at being a father and being a loving husband. I really believed in what I was doing. All those years were genuine and meaningful.

Even, my mother, when I first came out to her, said that she never knew me at all, and all of her memories of me are shattered and not true. This is tough, and very emotional to overcome. I assured her, as well as many other members of my family, that no! all of your memories are real and genuine!! Who I was, who I appeared to be was the real me as I understood me. There is no lie! Indeed, I hid my crossdressing only because I thought I was wrong, being bad (as a child).

Like you, it was not until middle age did things really become acute. Even when I was first on my own (at 18), when I cross dressed, did I ever consider that I was transgendered. The deeper meaning of what I was doing and expressing did not really manifest itself until I was 40.

You have never lived a lie. This is something that I have had to wrestle with for quite some time. At this point in time, in my life, I realize that I lived my life as best as I could and was always genuine to myself and to others as best as I understood myself. There is really nothing more than anyone can ask of anyone else or from themselves.

All of your years as husband and father as your wife understands it has been real and has never been a lie. This is very important for her to understand.

How can one keep a secret when they do not even understand the secret themselves?

Love

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Oh, Sharah, I understand totally the pain and worry and anguish you feel right now. Your wife's reactions are so very typical, but there

is not way for any of us to guess as to what will happen next. Donna Jean is right, give her space before bringing it up again. This is

the most upsetting and traumatic thing she has likely ever dealt with, and her world has turned upside down. She needs time to grieve,

time to sort through her feelings, time to think of questions to ask, or unfortunately, things to accuse you of. If she hasn't brought up

the "sleeping with men" thing yet, don't be too surprised if she does.

Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again. Be prepared to explain how this will all work, what your timeline is, what

will happen next. If you think she would like resources, offer Laura's, offer to buy her some of the more popular books, or download

stuff for her. Of course, she may not want any of that, and you should not pester her about it.

Please PM me if you want to discuss it more, or ask more questions here. This will be a rough time for both of you. I wish you all the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest sarah f]

We ended the conversation wihtout any raised voices or name calling and since that we have been silent to each other. I thikn now I have to give her time to digest what I have shared and let her sort out her thoughts and feelings and when she is ready she will bring the subject up to me again and we can go on with our conversation and discover what will happen next.

Some insight and support is needed right now.

You are right in giving her time to digest this. It can take a while like Dee Jay said. If your wife is anything like mine then it will be a long while before she will talk about it. My wife still refuses to talk to me about it and it has been 10 months since I told her.

We still do our normal things together and she acts as if nothing has changed. I know she sees the differences in me but still won't talk.

I hope your wife will come around soon and let you know one way or the other what she wants. Be prepared and it will be hard to get the bad news. I hope it doesn't come to that and you can stay together.

Good Luck

[Guest Kayliegh]

Sharah -

While you were finally honest, it may not be what you hoped for.

I do not want you to think everyone’s situation is the same, but I went through the same response with my soon-to-be ex.

At first, it was “I understand. This explains a lot” to “how could you have lied to me for 20 years?!?”

While 20 years is a long time, it was less than half of my life, living as the person everyone else “wanted me to be.” And, like was mentioned above, I wasn’t sure where I was going until seeing a therapist and figuring it out.

So, no, it was not a lie. It was a lifetime of agony, of trying to sort out while you were “different” then a lot of people.

While it has been a rocky road, I feel better about myself than I have in my entire life! I have finally figured out who I was supposed to be and have begun my journey.

Hang in there and please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk further – I know what you are going through.

Kayleigh

[Guest Patsy]

Not a great deal I can add to the sound advice above, other than to agree that

its time to step back and wait on events.

I hope it all works out for both of you, Sharah, & I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Huggz,

Patsy

[Guest Fatefighter]

I wish you the best of luck, Sister. I don't know what else to say, but I wanted to say something to show my support. Go you!

[Cyndee]

Sarah,

Hang in there and let her initiate the next communication. I always try to talk up the positives of our relationship, keep reminding her of how many good things we share. Anything off this topic to keep dialog going with your wife, such as dealing with children issues, and family business seems to help.

Hugs and love

Cindy

[JenniferB]

I really don't know how to respond to this tragedy. I have never been married so don't understand how it is to have your heart broken. I do feel your pain and suffering and it makes me sad. I hope you and your wife can heal quickly. Although I wouldn't wait too long to move out if the tension doesn't get better. The wounds won't be able to heal.

Being trans is a hard life. No doubt about that. May your life get better soon.

Jenny