" How Are You Male?" - " Umm...?".

[Remus]

I'm still sorting this out in my brain, so I don't think I've asked before, but I've certainly thought of it, so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

Anyway, as those of you who are going through/have been through/are seeking therapy may know/find out, one of the questions they seem to ask a lot is whether you feel male or female - how you identify where gender is concerned, how you know that, why you know that, and so on. But is it just me, or is it not as simple as that? Like, I definitely don't "feel" female, it's a very definite feeling of non-identification, kind of like an 'active' not-female. But then when my psychiatrist asked me to describe how and why I know myself to be male... I couldn't describe or explain it then, and I still can't now. It's more of a passive thing, that I feel male. There aren't exactly any ideas or identifying markers that I can latch onto like there are feeling not-female, it's more of an inherent wishy-washy "that's how I see myself" sort of thing. That's how I want to be, and how I see myself mentally, but there's nothing I can mentally grasp and say "Aha! That! I feel male because of that!".

Seriously, does anyone feel like that, FtM, MtF, others?? 'Cause you hear transguys (and I'm assuming transgirls and other transpeople as well) who 'actively' feel male/female/other, they seem to have very specific ideas and feelings of both definitely not being the one and definitely being the other, yet for me it's like "NOT FEMALE!!!" vs "Oh...male...yeah, I guess...yeah...".

Confuzzled.

[Guest sarah f]

Remus for me it was easy to say why I wanted to be a girl. I have always known since around age 5. I prefer just about everything that is female over male. For me I just let my therapist know what it is that I think makes me female over male.

Now for you, I would try to let your therapist know why you feel male. What areas of your body do you hate and do you want to change them to male? Do you think like a male? Clothes are one thing but doens't make you one way or another so I wouldn't have that as your only reason. I would have at least 5 or more things that make you feel male.

Good Luck with your next session. I hope you are able to think of some things that make you feel this way.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

That's a good question, Remus....

You're asking "What about the certainty"?

Well, some of us have a stronger identification than others...that does not invalidate those, like you, that have a more passive feeling of your gender...But, the feeling none the less...

For instance in my case....I know I'm a woman...I want to look as close to 100% as possible....I want to be percieved by society as a woman...I want there to be no doubt in anyone's mind that sees me that I'm a woman!

I feel very strongly about it!

We all have different levels of feelings and it does not make one better/worse than the other!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest ShortyT]

I can't recall being asked that specific question... but then I have an absolutely crappy memory.

Anyways, I also think that it can be tricky to pin-point what makes me one or the other. I remember going over it in my head, but every "I'm a guy because..." could be countered with "Well, girls can also do/feel/choose/whatever the same way and still be girls". In the end I said sod it, I'm a guy because I know it in my heart and soul. There was always this tension in my brain, like it was going "Hang on.. this sh*t ain't right!" - it just took a while before I figured out why.

Of course, when I no longer sat down to ponder the issue, things would pop into my head, for instance how I always felt like I was in drag when I put on some make-up or a dress, how being treated "like a lady" by guys made me wanna punch them in the face more than anything else, stuff like that.

Now that I'm on hormones and have changed my name etc, I don't "feel male", I feel like me. Well, more so anyways.

[JJ]

We are all so different. I am not by nature a social creature and don't mind how society perceives me. My gender isn't validated by social interactions. Which I believe is the exception to many of us. What matters to me is recognizing and meeting my own criteria.

But I did go through a very uncomfortable period recently when it seemed every like or reaction went through examination and questioning I couldn't seem to help doing. All my life I have had an internal life as a man. I thought it was a fantasy-a sort of daydreaming -but now realize it was the real me. So .I have a frame of reference. A place I default that helps me separate the learned and forced preferences from those that are natural and overwhelmingly male. When I watch a movie with hero or heronine there is never a feeling of identification or resonance with the heroine. I can sometimes enjoy a "Chic flick" or read good "Chic lit." but only because I've lived that life and get the frustration and humor-but it never feels like me. I never really identify the way I do with a hero in a book or movie.

But like you Remus much of it has no proof. I can feel and recognize what is basic and natural in my personality and what has been educated in by living so long as a woman. They are just different. Feel completely different. I had a horrible time integrating those aspects. I believe I have now achieved a balance but not a homogenization. What is female remains female, male, male. And I just know. My recent compulsion to examine and identify every thing in my life taught me that I can feel a very real difference.

Now I just want to go through life being and reacting as I truly feel, without having to examine or label my behavior and preferences in terms of gender..

JohnJ

[Guest Link]

I can't recall being asked that specific question... but then I have an absolutely crappy memory.

Anyways, I also think that it can be tricky to pin-point what makes me one or the other. I remember going over it in my head, but every "I'm a guy because..." could be countered with "Well, girls can also do/feel/choose/whatever the same way and still be girls". In the end I said sod it, I'm a guy because I know it in my heart and soul. There was always this tension in my brain, like it was going "Hang on.. this sh*t ain't right!" - it just took a while before I figured out why.

Of course, when I no longer sat down to ponder the issue, things would pop into my head, for instance how I always felt like I was in drag when I put on some make-up or a dress, how being treated "like a lady" by guys made me wanna punch them in the face more than anything else, stuff like that.

Now that I'm on hormones and have changed my name etc, I don't "feel male", I feel like me. Well, more so anyways.

I agree with you down to the letter.

[Guest Soran Vs]

I definitely get what you're saying. For me its quite similar. I feel like I'm most definitely NOT female. But if asked why I feel male, its because... "I just do."

I mean I do have little things that have happened to me that indicate reasons why, but most of the time my reason for feeling male is just that.

[Guest Crossroads]

I feel like I never had the "OH MY GOSH I'M A BOY" moment. It came down to one question, which Angie asked me one night after a lot of talking. "Can you see what the future might be like if you stay how you are?" I said "Maybe a couple weeks, maybe a month." "Can you picture the future if you were male?" I said, "10 years or so."

This was my serious turning point. Then I started realizing, all the "But if you become male, you won't (insert excuse)"'s just seemed like more and more of the things I wanted to get rid of.

I believe that gender is fluid. I don't believe I am ALL male, and I love that. I am a perfect mix for me, without being androgyne. I'm very happy!

(That's the point, figure out what will make you HAPPY and GO FOR IT)

[Guest Ruairi]

Of course, when I no longer sat down to ponder the issue, things would pop into my head, for instance how I always felt like I was in drag when I put on some make-up or a dress, how being treated "like a lady" by guys made me wanna punch them in the face more than anything else, stuff like that.

That, definitely.

But, what JJ said about always having an internal life as a man. That, really, from as young an age as I can remember, maybe 4 or 5.

[Guest Eric6]

What makes me feel male? Good question! I like it when I am addressed as male, i.e. "sir" which happens quite a bit as my voice is fairly low and I dress male. Wouldn't a girl either be insulted or laugh? Partly I answer in negatives, as in, I don't like being addressed by any of the words used to women, i.e. "love, sweetie, darling" - often by strangers. I feel awkward if offered a seat on a train but have to admit, I sometimes do accept just because I'm tired or tense in the crowd and I'm in my 40s, so why not? But it's not offered to me because of that, it's because they see a woman. Sigh. I'm pretty mixed up, I know.

When women at work carry on about their children, I get bored. Sure, some men like kids, but they don't seem to go goo-goo about ones that aren't theirs. I have got zero maternal instinct and my mother has said that something is "missing" in me, during one of our frequent disagreements. She used to dress me up when I was little and has no idea of how uncomfortable it makes me to hear her talk about that now!

I don't enjoy shopping! I'll decide what I want, go in and get out as soon as I find it, or when I realise I'm not going to. Why do girls WANT to spend hours in the stores? :-)

Alex

[Guest Exeter]

I haven't got a therapist yet and I assume it will be a very long time before I have, but I've thought a lot about this sort of thing. I think the reasons I feel male have become more prevalent recently, which is ironic because I'm more into certain aspects of feminine/androgynous fashion than I ever was in the past.

The following are some of my reasons. I figured to list them like this because otherwise I might make a mess.

#1. Even long before I ever knew what being transsexual was, I've always somewhere in the back of my mind thought of myself as a boy. Like when I first got body hair. I don't know why, I just did.

#2. I've always identified with and related better to men. I don't really understand women most of the time even though I advocate them.

#3. When I project my future as a 'woman' -- growing old as one -- I feel utter despair and fear, yet when I consider the prospects of maturing as a man; even going bald or getting hairy; (neither of which I find very appealing personally) I feel more comfortable and like I could be at peace.

#4. When I think of what it might be like to be a parent one day, I shudder at the idea of being a mother (and mentally throw up at the mere suggestion of pregnancy) but I actually think I wouldn't mind being thought of as a father.

#5. I guess more than anything it's the feeling, though, that the more I accept myself as male, the more at peace I feel. The more free I feel to be the way I choose. As a 'girl' I always feel forced to act overly masculine and dress more masculine just to prove something, but as a boy I feel free to be on the slightly feminine side. I feel comfortable and like it would never bother me to be considered girly as long as I know who I am.

Oh well, that probably doesn't help. I'm still trying to figure my own self out and I doubt I can offer much to anyone else, but I wanted to try anyway.

[Guest CrimsonEdge]

Let's see...

1) I've insisted that I'm a boy for as long as I can remember.

2) When I was a boy and used to look at my mom and other women, I always used to think "I won't be like that, I'm a guy." Strangely, I never really visualized myself as a grown-up man but I always believed that I would be one.

3) I've always hated dolls & girly stuff and always liked boyish things.

4) During my early teen years I could NEVER understand my female peers. At present I've started to understand and even like calculus but even a simple understanding of the female brain eludes me, despite having grown up among girls.

5) I think like a guy. Even my friends have said so.

6) I hate ever nanometer of my female body.

And lastly, I never asked myself this question, not at times when I feel like doing something that's stereotyped as feminine, nor when I dislike something typically male. Why? Because I don't need to prove to anyone, not even myself, that I'm a guy.

[Guest Bunny]

I've not been asked this question at all. Interesting. But it's kind of easy for me.

When I was younger I never knew how to act like a girl. So I followed what my older sister did, though never was even a fraction as into it.

My friends were always guys, because the games girls played were "Girly and stupid"

I've never wanted to wear girls clothes, look like a girl or any of that stuff.

I act like a guy. I really just do, not out of following and trying to act like any guy its just how I am.

I also find girls hard as heck to understand! Like the things I hear about the gross things girls do to their public restrooms and the b*tchyness and. Yeah all of that. Don't get it.

I'd rather be wrapped in a wool blanket all summer without AC then show off a girlish curve. I hate my female body.

I'm sure there's more but i can't think of any right now.

In short, I don't feel anything in specific. I just am a guy. Thats how it is and even if my therapist does question me as to why I think this... There aren't any two ways about it, I am and I want my body to match how and what I feel. I don't care an ounce about my mind matching my body.

[Guest N.Chaos]

for instance how I always felt like I was in drag when I put on some make-up or a dress, how being treated "like a lady" by guys made me wanna punch them in the face more than anything else, stuff like that.

I've always felt exactly the same. When I was younger, I tried to deny all of this and be hyper-feminine and I hated myself for it, I tried to kill myself over it because I felt like I had absolutely no idea who I was anymore. When I met my current girlfriend and best friend, I stopped trying to be something I wasn't, and I've still dealt with a lot of crap but I've been happier with myself since.

I can't pinpoint any one thing that makes me male, it just feels like EVERYTHING does. I've always talked about girls as a third-person thing, whenever someone makes a comment, generalization or fact, about women I feel like it's got no relevance to me in the least. I've always been violent, and almost 'macho' to a degree and I've gotten crap for it forever, but ever since I admitted who I really am to myself, it doesn't bother me, and ironically no one seems to be bothered by it anymore.

Also, being born with a weirdly deep voice for some reason helped this along. A lot.

[Guest Dakota.P]

(Well, this is coming from slightly the other direction, but here goes)

I knew I am not a guy because I am not assertive. Guys are usually much more assertive than gals.

Mens brains are more typically thought of as waffles. Everything is ordered and in it's place. A girls mind is like a bowl of spaghetti. Everything is connected and is attached to something else.

There would be times when I would hear girls talking about how different guys and girls are (and how difficult guys are). All the while inside I was yelling, "Not all guys, look at me." I finally figured out that yeah, all guys. 

Another thing was that I love kids, but I could never see myself as a father or husband.

As a continuation of the last point, I view guys as being the head of the family. They are the ones with the vision and direction. I knew that wasn't me. I am closer the the helpmate role that the wife fills. (I know, I know. Archaic Christian conservative thinking here, but hey that is how I was raised)

Well, there is what I feel. Might not hold true for anyone else. And to me, your feeling of "I am just not a girl" is just as valid and logical as anything Spock could say.

~D

[Flint]

*writes up a play*

Characters names are not real. John is a biological male. Jake is a FTM man.

John: "So...How exactly are you a man?"

Jake: looks puzzled, isn't sure how to explain.

John: "You say you feel like a man how can you FEEL like a man?"

Jake: "Well.." Long pause. "If I came up to you and held a dress for you to wear. Would you wear it?"

John: "Why would I wear a dress? I'm a guy. Unless of course I was doing drag" John laughs to himself

Jake: "Would you feel comfortable in a dress?"

John: "If it was just for a laugh on a drunken night out, maybe."

Jake: "So it's not something you'd choose to wear everyday?"

John: "Well no."

Jake: "Why is that?"

John: "Because i'm a guy!" John says impatiently

Jake: "How are you a man?"

John: chuckles to himself and winks. "It's obvious isn't it. I was born with male parts"

Jake: "So what you're telling me is, ones identity is purely decided on physical features?"

John: Looks stumped

Jake: "I can't explain exactly why I 'feel' I'm a guy. It is a feeling but there are no words because everything I do say could be argued that females can do that too and feel that too. But the point is from the age I can remember I've had this male identity embedded in me, no matter what my outer image told me or any other contradiction outside of myself. I always had a firm sense of... maleness I can not explain" he pauses "The other night when we went out you put on aftershave and you confidently fiddled with the collar on your shirt and said "Who's the man" I'm guessing you were enjoying that moment, feeling manly? You grew a beard a few month back what did you say...hmm that's right you said "It makes ooze manliness! Oh yea! I feel like I am DA MAN!" Well for me I do little things just like you do, I put on aftershave I feel manly because I smell manly. I look in mirror and I too might say "Who's the man!" I put on a dress? I too just like YOU! feel like I'm in drag...And that my friend is how I am a man. Simply put....I am a man with a complicated life"

[Guest GKay]

I can never explain it very well to others but I'll try. Rather than the feeling that I am a guy, it's more of a feeling that I am certainly not a girl. I don't like being seen as a girl, talked to as a girl, looked at as a girl. It doesn't fit. Being a guy, to me, has just always seemed more natural. There is nothing on a chart I can point to and say "there, that's why I'm a guy. Obviously." All I can say is that I am me and it works. Physically I do go through the effort to appear male because I am comfortable that way. But like you said, there is nothing I can think of that would serve as some sort of indisputable proof that I am, in fact, a guy. It was confusing at first. I identified as androgynous for about an hour before I figured out that it did not work because of the whole "both genders at the same time" thing. That's not me. So I switched to neutrois which almost fit but not quite because I'm not completely neutral. I lean towards the male end of the spectrum. But my spectrum doesn't go from female on one end to male on the other. I think it's closer to being neutral on one end and male on the other and I'm somewhere in between. Might not make sense to some but I figured being me is good enough. Besides, if asked to explain myself in five words, giving my gender wouldn't even make the list. In fact, it wouldn't make a list of twenty. There are things that I am that are far more important to me than being male.

To answer your question more directly, yes, I do know a little of how that feels.