Filthy

[Guest therisa]

During this past week, I realized, the reason why I avoid contact with other people, during or after one of my brutal flashbacks. It is because I feel, like I’m dirty and don’t want to spread the filth, which has attracted, all of this negative attention from others, like my brother and the schoolyard bullies. No amount of bathing will ever give me, a clean soul to share with others.

Often wonder, why people want to be even near a diseased person, like myself. I know, this is wrong, but it’s how I feel about myself, after one of these episodes. Wanting to finding that place, which will cleanse me.

[Guest Opal]

Well, Therisa, I was going to say that posting your poetry here on Laura's might be a place to cleanse, but I am probably oversimplifying things.

I do not see you as being either filthy or being diseased, but I know how one's self-perception can so profoundly affect one's overall health.

What kind of a place would you feel would help to cleanse oneself?

Huggs,

Opal/Mary

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Therisa, it is my belief that you will feel cleansed and whole when you no longer blame any of what happened on yourself.

When you realize that the awful things that people did to you were in their control, and they are solely to blame, then you

will be free of those thoughts that you are unworthy and filthy.

It will take time and effort and therapy, but you can and you will get to that state of mind. I'll help all that I can.

You are a good and worthy person, Therisa. I believe that with all my heart, and I know everyone else here does too.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest therisa]

No matter what I do to still my flashbacks, I can't silence their voices and words, inside of my mind. They are a constant refrain, consisting of words, no half decent people would be caught saying outloud, to another person. Bad enough, I had to hear it on the schoolyard, but I wasn't spared from it, when I got home. My brother would used similar words at me.

[MaryEllen]

therisa. You didn't do anything to deserve this. It's not your fault. It's time to let it go.

MaryEllen

[JJ]

Therisa,

Instead of trying to stop the flashback let it happen but talk to that younger self at the same time. Reassure that child that the words are from ignorant and hurting people who were children themselves and could not really understand the power of their words. Acting out from their own anger and pain . Don't fight them-they are just echos-less than ghosts. It is the child within that needs your attention

Grieve for that child and let her grieve for the hurt and pain that can't be prevented but can be healed. Hug yourself for her and give her the love she needs to get through it. Then remember that although that is all past that child is still inside and needs the love and assurance you can give her.

She is not dirty, and neither are you. You were a victim. In the past. When you love and reassure that hurt child inside you will begin to heal more and the pain and flashbacks will fade. And you CAN love that child. That innocent child inside. The warmth of your love can heal yourself.

I know it sounds simple and is hard but it can be done and it is worth it.

Hugs

John

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Listen to JJ - he knows about flashbacks.

Filthy? Only those who made you feel that way are filthy - Gosh darned their eyes!

Therisa, we do love you here... oh my, and me? Personally I just wanna SHOUT - NO NO NO! When you write like that...

auggggggh... you are so valuable and precious... dang

Lizzy

[Guest Sharah]

Therisa,

Please read what JJ has said to carefully, he of what he speaks. Your past is just that, the past. The flashbacks are the memories in your head, but they are happening now, they happened in the past. They have this power over you because you have not yet integrated them into the whole of your past yet and they are isolated islands of fear and horror that pop their ugly heads because you have isolated them and are trying so hard to repress them. Let them come and don't be afraid they are, as JJ said, ghosts and they have no power themselves. They only have the power that you give them. Don't give them power! Just let them become memories and not the haunters of your peace.

You are not filthy, the events were filthy. You are beautiful and precious and have so much to give. You are the power in this, don't give it to these memories but keep it for yourself. These flashbacks are in your mind and you can control them, you can decide what effect they will have. You can let them haunt you or you can make them just simple memories of bad things that happened long ago. Decide to nurture your beauty and your preciousness and not these memories. Take the power away from your past and give it to your future.

Your are loved and cherished. You have given to so many here that there is no question in my mind that you are not evil, you are good and wonderful and valuable.

We not only love you, we NEED you!

[Guest therisa]

Thank you, everyone. Please forgive me, as my latest depression is emerging, and all I want to do, is sleep the day away.

[Guest Felicia Anne]

hi therisa! my name is felicia anne, and i wanted to take a moment to give you some love and care.

first off, sisterly hugs to you because you are worthy of being hugged and cared for.

second, not to sound like a broken record, but listen to jj. i am dealing with ghosts, too. ghosts of bullies, ghosts of abuse, ghosts of hurt feelings that simply crushed the girl who they targeted. his advice is the most sound i've ever heard.

third, you are not filthy. you are strong, you are compassionate, you are loving, and you have the strength to come to a place like laura's. you are finding the means to become someone who can be loved and appreciated for simply being who you are. and that, my friend, is true strength if ever i saw it!

and finally, if you are still feeling filthy, have you ever considered what it would take to make yourself clean? would it involve travel or a lifestyle change? is it something you wish to change in yourself? write out a list of things you can do that could take yourself to feeling how you want to feel. don't dwell too long on the ideas that come. simply write them down without judging or weighing them. even if you cannot find the one and only true answer, i'm sure you will find plenty of little seeds in there that will point you in some great directions.

love,

felicia anne

[Guest therisa]

Felicia Anne, I am taking steps, in seeking out professional help, but I am suck on a waiting list, before I can see a psych social work, to get into a CBT program, dealing with anxiety related issues at a local hospital near me. Hoping on November 22nd, I get the news that I can start this day program very soon. John and I do regularly talk with each other through the PMS, and has been very patient with me, and the speed with. which I am moving forward, in dealing with this issue, concerning bullying on the schoolyard and the things that my younger brother did to me, while growing up together. As for your third point, I am not sure, beyond removing the voices of the other kids, whom my own inner critic has adopted as his own.

very grateful,

therisa

[JJ]

Therisa,

I am very proud of you for your progress! Every inch of movement forward is difficult and hard won. You are doing very, very well at it. Sometimes it'll feel like you aren't getting anywhere and one day you'll be surprised to discover you re almost there and things are much better.

Felica Anne also had some excellent advise for you too.

i hope today turns out good for you

Love

John

[Guest therisa]

I know, everybody, whom has respond to my postings, have offer valuable advice. Except, I need to figure out on my own, how it will best work for me. Some of the steps, I am not ready to do, yet, but it doesn't mean I will be ignoring them. Rather acting on them, at later day, when my recovery allows for it. I can't thank everyone enough, for your patience and gentleness that I have recieved here, since I first joined up. Will a mere "thank you" be enough? Because, that's all I have to offer, right now.

therisa

[Guest Felicia Anne]

Felicia Anne, I am taking steps, in seeking out professional help, but I am suck on a waiting list, before I can see a psych social work, to get into a CBT program, dealing with anxiety related issues at a local hospital near me. Hoping on November 22nd, I get the news that I can start this day program very soon. John and I do regularly talk with each other through the PMS, and has been very patient with me, and the speed with. which I am moving forward, in dealing with this issue, concerning bullying on the schoolyard and the things that my younger brother did to me, while growing up together. As for your third point, I am not sure, beyond removing the voices of the other kids, whom my own inner critic has adopted as his own.

very grateful,

therisa

oh hon, the waiting list part is the worst. i remember it took me a couple of months to start my therapy, and it was hard. to help you survive, just remember that you are cared for, you are loved, and you have people who really really want to help you, and are trying to make room just for you as soon as they can. and if those voices come back, it's only because they know that they will be silenced forever, and they are going to be the ones being intimidated by you from now on.

and when all else fails... BUBBLE BATH! i am serious believer in this wonderful ritual of self pampering. it makes me feel like a goddess, and it really can do wonders for your body, mind and spirit!

[Guest therisa]

Personally, I love using Lavender extract, in my baths, it help with the stress and allows for a time, which Venus and Squeak (my two cats) leave me, alone. They can't stand the smell of Lavender.

[JJ]

Mmmm.....A bath can indeed work wonder for me. No bubbles thank you, but lavender really is calming. I add a mug of tea, a good book and get away from the world for awhile.

And Therisa-don't worry about letting anyone down or disappointing anyone if you aren't ready or even don't want to take advise. We're just trying to offer some suggestions and support but it's you we care about and not what advise you follow or not. We aren't judging and so will not be disappointed-just concerned when you are hurting.

Hugs

John

[Guest Felicia Anne]

awww... you have kitties! have you ever tried a kitty massage? it's fun. my former cat (angelina) would walk up and down my back... very calming...

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearheart

Years from now, you will find peace The day will come when past bullying and how it made you feel will be as distant as the breakup of your first love.

What is so wonderful that comes with age is distance from the tumulturous times of your youth.

You should never feel dirty about being victimized. You are not now, nor have you ever been, dirty.

It is time now for you to put your past in it's place... the past. The past is gone. From this day forward, you have the choice to live life in the present and as yourself.

Always know that you are deserving of happiness Always know that you were never deserving of hatred or bigotry.

You deserve to live your life in peace and with love.

Love

Brenda

[Guest therisa]

Venus, my little princess loves to walk up and down my side, while Squeak sleeps around my legs, head resting on the bed that I have created out of an old blanket for him. Just the thought of him walking up and down my body, is enough for me, to break out the painkillers, as he's 11 lbs at the last wieght-in at the vets. Figure, he's added some more lbs after the neutraling.

therisa