A Letter To My Mother

[Guest JadeK]

I'm about to finish university for the year and go back to my mother's place for the summer. I don't think I can go through another summer at home without coming out, so I've written a letter to give to my mum when I go home (My dad's not in the picture.) To anyone who's done this before, could you have a look and tell me what you think?

Dear Mum,

I feel a little strange telling you something like this in a letter, but I think it's the best way for me to make everything clear. Before I start, I want you to know that not saying this to your face does not mean I love you any less, and neither does what I'm going to tell you. You have been a fantastic mother, and you could not have done anything better.

Do you remember back when I was little and you introduced me as your son, and I insisted that no, I was your daughter? Or when I cried every time you took me to get a haircut because I wanted my hair to be long? Everyone said that it was just a phase that kids go through, but it wasn't. I never grew out of feeling wrong in the role of a guy. I've known it all my life, but I only now feel comfortable in putting a name to it, and telling people about it. I've told some of my friends, and it's getting harder and harder to keep it inside.

All my life, I've felt like I've been born into the wrong body. The only thing about me that is male is my body. My heart and mind and soul are all female, and those make me who I am. And who I am is a girl, who just happens to be in the shape of a guy.

The older I get, the worse I feel living in this body. I've spent far too many years trying to hide who I really am, and be the person everyone expects me to be. I can't do it anymore. Spending another summer lying and hiding and pretending is something I can't handle. Every day that passes where people call me James and see me as a guy is worse than the last. Over the summer I plan to start coming out to more people, and to start presenting as a girl, and it would mean so much to me if I had your support.

Do you remember how when I was a kid, I wrote all those stories about a girl named Jade? Jade was my avatar, when I wrote about her I was writing about the person I really wanted to be. Since I've accepted myself as trans, I've started using the name I knew was mine years and years ago. I'm not a guy named James. Inside, I've always been a girl named Jade, and it would mean the world to me if you could start calling me that.

I'm not changing the person that I am. Instead, I'm just not pretending I'm someone else anymore. It's taken me 19 years to figure this out, and come to terms with it, so I don't expect you to understand or get used to it straight away. But I really, really hope we can talk about this and that you'll support me, because your love and support are so important to me. Even if I'm not your son, I will always be your child.

Love,

Jade

[Guest Sharah]

Jade,

Beautifully written letter. It really comes from your heart. I hope that your mom reads it in the same light that I just did.

[Guest sarah f]

Jade I think it is from the heart and wonderfully written. I like it and hope your mom is understanding of your decision.

Good Luck with coming out to your mom.

[Guest PhoebeJoan]

Beautiful letter Jade. Great intro for her. I like how it doesnt go too much into the techincal side of the trans issue itself, it just seems from the heart and something she can relate to from her experience with you, which I feel is perfect for that moment.

Good luck.

Im actually heading home this weekend as well, and I am determined to get my mom alone for a few hours so I can tell her. I have a letter with me in case I dont have the nerve to speak it.

Think my dad has a fishing trip planned for me as well. Now, I dont mind fishing, but it means playing the male archetype

I'll just have to whisk my mum away early one morning.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Jade, Honey.....

Very well done....

I have only one thing anhd it's just a technical thing....

Since I've accepted myself as trans, I've started using the name I knew was mine years and years ago. I'm not a guy named James. Inside

"Trans" is a term that we use mostly inside the community.....

I think Transgender would be more appropiate....

But, that's all I'd do...

Very Good Letter!

HUGGS & LUCK

Donna Jean

[JJ]

It's a wonderful letter that explains your situation very well Jade.

I wish you well in your coming out. Please stay in touch and let us know how it goes.

Hugs

JohnJ

[JenniferB]

I think that is a well written letter Jade and gets to the point. I also agree with Dee Jay in that you need to use the term transgender because that is more formal. "Trans" is more of a slang expression. The letter gets to the point, but in a loving way. I like the way you are inviting your mother along for the journey, but you imply that you still must make the transition even sadly without her support. I also like the way you imply it's not your mother's fault.

I really hope everything works out for you Jade. What you are doing takes a lot of courage.

Jenny

[Paula ult]

I agree With Donna Jean, the word trans is used within the community, i doubt your mother will know what that means, transgendered is probably a better term.

Paula.

[Guest JadeK]

Thanks for the feedback, all I've made that one change. Giving her the letter tomorrow, argh! So nervous!

[Guest Sharah]

Thanks for the feedback, all I've made that one change. Giving her the letter tomorrow, argh! So nervous!

Jade,

Please keep us posted on the outcome. We are all with you in spirit.

[Guest KimberlyF]

Best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kim

[Guest JadeK]

I gave her the letter yesterday, and at first I was really worried that she wasn't going to accept the whole thing. She told me she had to spend some time alone, and hardly left her room for the rest of the day. She was better about it today, though - I don't think she really understands, but she asked heaps of questions. I think this is as good as I could ask for right away, and with time hopefully she'll come to understand it a bit more.

[Guest Sharah]

Jade,

That sounds like a very good reaction. Your mom took the time she needed to digest what you ahd told her and then was askng questions to learn more and try to understand what was going on for you. Seems to me this is a really good sign that she is tryng hard to be there for you.

[JJ]

Jade

Except in rare cases a mom is going to have a sense that she has lost a child she loved and cherished and even though that love carries forward to the child she has now there is still a sharp and painful sense of loss. All the happy memories and past thought have to be turned around. And for most of us moms our children remain a very real part of us. When someting like this happens we have to tear that part away and rearrange it so to speak. All of this is a painful difficult process. I applaud your mom that she took the time she needed to face this. She is being proactive rather than reactive.

That is a very good sign. It doesn't mean her pain is over or her adjustment complete of course but it does mean she is willing to attempt her journey to a new reality.

Sometimes we forget how really difficult and painful this is for our parents. It's hard for us to face and we feel guilty. We shouldn't because there was never really a choice and if they understood what it is really like they wouldn't want us to suffer for their comfort. But some do go into denial about how soul searing our situation can be. Can't integrate the realit into their inner selves. Luckily it looks like your mom as avoided that and things have a good change of working out well.

Hugs

John