So Depressed

[Guest aadenr]

I just want to let out some anger to people that understand me, and some frustration.

So I guess I'll start from the beginning that ends to me writing this. Sorry if I ramble, I just really need to let it all out.

I came out to my family October of 2009. I had known I wanted to transition for about 3 years before that, but I had planned to come out when I turned 18, which was suppose to be this year. But it was crashing down on me, so I decided to do it last year. My family took it hard, even though they claimed they weren't surprised. The first person I ever told was one of the school counselors, Matthew, who I had grown close too. I felt he was the only one who would understand me at the time, so I told him. I believe I posted my concerns about it here, but it turned out great in the end. A week later I told my mom because I couldn't hold it any longer. I posted a message on Myspace to my friends coming out, and then deleted my Myspace after a month and switched to Facebook as a fresh start. I didn't even use Myspace, but whatever. I then called my dad and told him I wanted to talk to him. He suspected I was going to tell him I was a lesbian, but what a surprise, it was..more then that. I told him and then told him I wanted to see a gender transition. He hesitated but him and my mom agreed to let me. My parents are divorced by the way. Have always been since I can remember.

I found the therapist on this site, Karen, and she turned out to not only be my worst nightmare but my biggest hope at the same time. My dad was the one who took this coming out better then my mom. But it still wasn't good enough.

Before I continue, just a little background. My mom and I have always had a weak relationship. There has always been a wall between us, and I have tried many times to break that wall, but because we share little interest in the same things it has always been there. It only grew bigger with me coming out. When I was younger my mom had always said if one of us (me and my sister) turned out to be gay or whatever she would accept it. She even has tons of gay friends, even transgender friends!! But when I came out to her she said she never expected it to be one of us, and we drifted further apart. For years, even before coming out I had always looked for that person who I looked up too, which usually was one of my teachers because they had that motherly figure I was looking for. I love my mom to death, and she isn't a bad mom, but because of that wall, it feels like I sometimes I have no mom. I get so jealous of other people who do have that mom I search for. My dad and I have always a weird relationship. Unlike my mom he listens to what I have to say but at the same time he tells me I'm dumb, wrong and lazy. I only accept it because at least he's listening to me. We don't have the best of relationships and with my parents theres always that wall. Now coming out, sure I lost a lot of friends and family, but I never thought my relationship with my parents would be like this. I watched tons of videos of people who came out and had bad experiences, and I always hoped it wasn't me. Sure my parents didn't beat me, or kick me out, but our relationships only grew worse. So back to where I was.

I saw this therapist for 3 months. She promised me a letter, but in the end she said because my parents were having problems she would be unable to write me a letter EVEN when I turned 18. She was a great help because she helped me come out to my teachers at school, and I gained new relationships because of this. One of those relationships is one I hold close to me, because this person has turned out to be the most helpful person ever. Shes the other counselor, Sonya. Although we had talked before, we never talked like we do now. I share my deepest secrets and thoughts to her because I know I can trust her. I look up to her a lot, and she is one of my best friends, even if she is 10 years older then me. Now even though this therapist did all this for me, she let me down. I felt like she had used me and only took the money for her benefit. I called her countless times even after I stopped seeing her, hoping she would help because I did see her for three months, but she always turned me down. I did of course meet transgender people and made friends, but I would get angry when they talked good about her. They had such a good experience with her, and because I didn't I was angry.

After her I saw another therapist for about 2 months, Mary Jean. She helped me and gave me a letter in August when I turned 18. She tried to better the relationship between my mom and I, but all my mom did was ignore everything. I try to talk to my mom, talk to her about the changes, but she refuses and rather watch the tv. She wants to ignore the truth. Try to hide it, even though its going to happen. My parents have stopped helping me. I have to rely on myself now, and because I am in class with a full schedule, I am unable to work. 18 credits is a lot, and I am so stressed out because of school but I try to keep up because if I do bad, it will only worsen everything. Especially since it's being paid for. I feel like running away, but I know I shouldn't.

Anyway, so my mom gives me 80 dollars a month from the 180 dollars my dad gives for child support. Its nothing. Because my parents have stopped helping me I have to come up with the money for whatever I need, especially for hormones and my name change. I went to go petition for my name change on Monday and my mom sat in the car. She is ignoring everything. I had no money for my appointment which was suppose to be today (i'll get to that in a second) because on Sunday this stupid stupid person spent 56 dollars on four pizzas.

Now I'm in film school and on Sunday I had a shoot. I have to feed my actors since they work for free and I was so stressed out that day that I decided to hand over my credit card to this stupid person. I had already knew this person was not trustworthy because I have known them for 3 years, and in those 3 years I learned this person was 2 faced and...stupid. She liked to talk a lot of crap about the people I liked, especially Sonya, the person I had grown close to. But I only used this 2 faced person because she was a help to a certain extent. When I heard she spent 56 dollars on pizzas, when I had told her to go some where else where pizzas are 5 dollars, she only thought of it as a joke. I now had no money for my appointment on Wednesday. She didn't take me seriously, especially since I still had to pay 120 dollars for my name change. I would only be left with 30 dollars in the bank, and I needed 100 for my appointment. I have cut communication with her for GOOD because then the next day she decides to yell at me for some stupid pictures that were deleted. She kept saying that what was she going to grade her students on now, and blah blah. I had nothing to do with this. I hate her and I've never hated a person so much, not even the therapist who let me down.

Anyway, on Monday I was just so depressed because I didn't have money. I would now need to beg my dad for money, which I knew wouldn't come easily, because when it comes to me he has to make sure he doesn't spend more then 5 dollars (sarcasm) on me...seriously. I sat down with Sonya that day. I was stressed because of these papers I had to write. She was trying to help me, but I couldn't concentrate and instead it turned out to be a 2 hour talk about whats been bothering me. It was so emotional. I wanted to cry, but I held it in. I would sometimes glance up at her, and her eyes were red. She would tear up, and it only showed me that she was really listening. I told her everything. About the wall with my parents, about the stupid pizzas, about all this stress with money. Most of it she already knew but I couldn't stop. This transition has been the most hardest thing in my life. I told her everything. Then she offered to let me borrow money for my appointment and I would pay her back. I hesitated because I didn't want to have to ask her. But she told me, that I wasn't asking her, she offered it. So I took it. I felt like I wanted to thank her so much, because I was back on track. But I still felt depressed. I just couldn't stop thinking about all the crap in my life.

Last night it just got to me again. I have the tendency to bottle up all my anger and frustration so there comes a point where it just comes crashing down and it happened again last night, just like on Monday. I sat on my bed and wrote a suicide letter. I really did. I wasn't planning on doing anything, but I did it anyway. I wrote pages and pages of just words and how I felt like I was weak, and I had given up the fight. I thanked everyone who had helped me so much during this time, and I explained all the problems with my parents. I cried my eyes out. I just cried and cried for almost two hours. Then I stopped. It was almost therapeutic. I knew I wasn't going to do anything, but I just felt like I had to do it. Then I thought about all the people who had committed suicide. I understood why they did it. They had let everything get the best of them, but I didn't want to be that person. I thought about the statistic about transgenders that I had read before. How many had thought of it. Not of all of them, but so many. Then so many that had attempted it. I then thought about everyone in my life who cared about me. How hurt they would feel, and I didn't want to make them feel like they didn't do enough. Especially Sonya and Matthew since they had been there for me the whole time through all of this. I felt better after that, but I didn't at the same time.

My appointment got canceled today. It feels as though every time I get closer to it, something stands in my way and gets the best of me. AND IM SICK OF IT. I'm sick of having people call me she because of my voice. I'm sick of being reminded every single day I was born this way. I'm sick of looking at that stupid birth name and remembering. I don't regret my past, I just don't like to think about it. I was so depressed in my teens, and took depression pills for so long. I hid myself. I hid myself for so long. When I came out I was able to be who I really was. This is why I spend so much time at school. Its the only place that I truly can be myself and treated like who I really am. If I could, I would just never leave. I'm scared for this year to end because I won't be able to be around these people so much anymore. I was scared last year because I graduated, but because I'm in in this program I still hang out there. I'm just scared for it all to end.

My appointment is next week now on Friday. But now I'm scared something else will get in the way. I don't want it too. This whole process in hard, and I just wish my parents were there to hold me when I fall. Instead I have Sonya holding me up. I appreciate her a lot, but sometimes I wish it was my parents too. But its not. I'm just so depressed now. I did get referrals for therapists that Mary Jean gave me in case this happened because she moved to Canada. But I don't have money to pay for it. I don't have money for any of it...its just another expense that I can't afford.

It does feel better letting this all out, and thanks to anyone who reads it. I know its long, but I just had to let it out.

[Guest Sharah]

AAdenr,

I read every single word and I cried for you during it. I can feel your pain too. But, and this is a really big but, there is joy in the future for you and for me. Don't ever forget that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. You will finish school and you will get a good job. You will earn more money and the financial issues will lessen (they never go away).

I am sad for you that your parents cannot give you the support that you need from them, but keep in mind that parents are only human too. Lean on those that are supporting for you.

Come here and vent anytime you want to and I promise that I will again read every word you say.

[Guest Opal]

Hi Aadenr,

I would like to second what Sharah just said to you. Please keep posting, PMing, and Chat if you are set up for Chat. You are not the only one I have heard of whose therapist did not work out, although it is fairly uncommon.

I have heard that at CU and CSU there is free or low-cost help available. Maybe something to consider using until things work out better financially.

Wish one or both of your parents would come through for you. Maybe at some point they will.

Please hang on as best you can. Somehow, someway you WILL find a way through this.

Big Huggs,

Opal