Do You Notice?

[Guest Draik]

Before I came out to my mom as transgender I never really noticed when someone called me she or her but for the past month or so every time someone refers to me as a girl I notice and get kind of annoyed. Anybody else notice that stuff or is it just me?

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

No, it's not just you. I think it's normal to be a little annoyed when people call you by the wrong pronoun. In fact, my therapist asked me how I felt about being called "she" and told me to pay special attention to how I felt when it did happen, so it must be significant somehow. Up until now, I've always just been okay with whatever people called me because I was trying to deny and ignore the whole issue. Now I wish that I'd hear "sir" a little more often. When I do get the occasional "sir" at the drive through or on the phone, I feel pretty proud...happy...something.

[Guest Quinn]

Oh man, totally and completely.

In fact, I'm practically exactly on page with you - before I came out, I somewhat noticed people using she or her, but not a whole lot. After I came out to my girlfriend, close friends, and parents? I notice it constantly - especially when people who know use she/her. It's not like they can all help it; at school, my friends sort of have to call me by my birth name and use she/her, and my parents aren't really used to this whole idea yet...but yeah, in any event, I know exactly what you mean. I notice it constantly now, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

[Guest raydub]

yes. just....yes.

and i notice it EVERY time.. and it bites.

but the other night a friend of my s/o came over (she knows) and called me "she" and my s/o goes, "watch your language."

sweeeeeet.

Ray

[Guest Cal]

I am hyper aware of every pronoun someone uses on me. It makes me feel increasingly unconfortable when people "she" me, expecially when there are others around who don't know I was a "girl" - or whatever I was.

[Guest JayJaye]

Yes, the other night at work, one of my coworkers told a client to 'listen to the nice lady!' and I was peed. True, I'm not out yet but still, I'm standing there looking fairly masculine (I really dress male at work).

On vacation I wanted to use my male name, everywhere we went they asked for my name. But my kids were with me and I haven't told them or asked them to use my male name, so I choked out my given name. Even still, had I not, I had to hand over my credit card with my given name blazoned across the front.

I'm trying to get stuff switched to my initials but it's a slow process (my new name will have the same initials).

It's really starting to grate...

Jay

[Guest brandt]

yea well before i didn't notice. but then it started to get really annoying and angered me as well as i started to notice. i mean friends do say she her etc. and i don't notice because well they know who i am it doesn't really matter to me and i'm chill about it. and i'm even more happy when those 3 special people call me he and my desired name. so yeah. but i don't get called her or she much outside in the public. so i'm happy about that.

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Yep, I notice when people refer to me as she, her, etc. I can't pass at the moment so people do it all the time. In years past it used to just feel strange (and I tried to ignore it...), but in the last year and a half it's become really frustrating. I'm aware of pretty much every pronoun and I feel uncomfortable when I hear them.

Solomon

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

It really, REALLY angers me to hear female pronouns or my old name now. It literally infuriates me. (I try not to react so violently all the time, but it's difficult after repeatedly stressing I despise the name and pronouns.)

[Guest Cal]

People don't get why I get peed when people use my old name and blurt rude things at them. It's not so much about the name itself, it's about the fact that (even though the old name is gender neutral ish) it goes hand in hand with the old GIRL identity. The whole GIRL identity frustrates me to no end. Some of my friends try to call me by my new name, but when they call me my old name on accident I lash out and make them feel bad. Some of my friends let me know when I first changed my name that they would "always still know me as" my old name. I interpreted that as "I will always consider you a GIRL" and probably was more harsh with them than I should have been.

It just makes me so angry...

[Guest lorddillon]

Yep - I feel the same way. When I get the she pronoun I wince. I usually let it pass and plaster a smile on my face, but it does grate on my nerves. Im not out so I feel like I have no right to get mad a people when they she me. As I come out more and more I will expect to be sir'ed and for people to use my chosen name and male pronouns.

Trying to be patient.....

Remember that your friends have only had a short time (relatively) to get used to the male you - you've had your lifetime to try and figure this out. Be patient.

Having said that, let me say that this really pisses me off!! Someone saying to you that they "will always know you as <old name>" is that person basically saying to you "I don't care enough about you to even TRY and change the way I refer to you, and therefore I will not try, and I don't care if it hurts you" Feel free to point that out to your 'friend' next time they make an ignorant comment like that. Its one thing to slip, its another to willfully ignore your request. Someone who slips and apologizes is making and effort and is your friend, someone that refuses to even try is NOT your friend.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Some of my friends let me know when I first changed my name that they would "always still know me as" my old name. I interpreted that as "I will always consider you a GIRL" and probably was more harsh with them than I should have been.

I can see some of my friends making comments like this. It's infuriating because it is like them saying that they refuse to accept you as you really are! I'd probably be harsher than necessary as well!

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Having said that, let me say that this really pisses me off!! Someone saying to you that they "will always know you as <old name>" is that person basically saying to you "I don't care enough about you to even TRY and change the way I refer to you, and therefore I will not try, and I don't care if it hurts you" Feel free to point that out to your 'friend' next time they make an ignorant comment like that. Its one thing to slip, its another to willfully ignore your request. Someone who slips and apologizes is making and effort and is your friend, someone that refuses to even try is NOT your friend.

Ha! I just basically said what you said before I read your post! That "I will always know you as.." junk really got to me too. I pity the fool that says that to me after I come out... BTW, for you younger folks, the previous sentence was a Mr. T reference.

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Remember that your friends have only had a short time (relatively) to get used to the male you - you've had your lifetime to try and figure this out. Be patient.

Having said that, let me say that this really pisses me off!! Someone saying to you that they "will always know you as <old name>" is that person basically saying to you "I don't care enough about you to even TRY and change the way I refer to you, and therefore I will not try, and I don't care if it hurts you" Feel free to point that out to your 'friend' next time they make an ignorant comment like that. Its one thing to slip, its another to willfully ignore your request. Someone who slips and apologizes is making and effort and is your friend, someone that refuses to even try is NOT your friend.

This is basically how I look at it as well. For me, I look at it as a matter of respect.

My mother calls me by my birth name at the top of her voice sometimes. I know she doesn't mean it (and I don't think she realizes how much the name bothers me, or how much I don't consider it my name. It's hard to take the time to explain these things to her because she is mostly deaf, and I haven't had the chance to explain the name part). My birth name is a hurtful and misplaced thing to hear, every time. It's different if not worse than pronouns. I wince every time I hear it.

Pronouns in public by strangers are probably the worst pronouns. They act as a reminder that I am constantly read as female. There's only so much a guy can block out when you're constantly barraged with she, her, girl. They do wound you as a reflex after a while. I've had good luck with the people I've already come out to but I really need to emphasize the name and pronouns thing, I just haven't gotten the chance yet. However, I feel confident that the people I've come out to so far will make their best attempt to get the pronouns and name right with a little time to adjust, though.

Solomon

[Guest Drew]

i noticed it way more after i came out....kinda like a slap in the face...a big sign pointing to me that said 'GIRL'

[Guest raydub]

I pity the fool that says that to me after I come out... BTW, for you younger folks, the previous sentence was a Mr. T reference.

Are we so old that that required explination? aw geez.

back to the subject of pronouns... sigh.

much like solomon, the use of the she/her is a too constant reminder that i am painfully unable to pass as male. EVEN in the gayest section of the city, i couldnt get a little trans-love (yes, i know.. i realize that glb people arent necessarily up on the 't'....SO!). INCLUDING from the transsexual hostess at the restaurant the other night. but.. i cant really expect people to know i guess. doesnt make me feel any better about it though.

Ray

[Guest lorddillon]

EVEN in the gayest section of the city

I actually found it harder to pass in the 'gay' parts of big cities (San Fran and Denver) because seeing a masculine woman is not entirely unexpected by the LGBT community - they didn't clock me as trans, they clocked me as a butch lesbian. Since they are more exposed to the diversity, they see it as gay diversity, instead of seeing the trans of it... In more conservative small towns I get sir'ed way more than in the big cities. The paradox is almost weird.

[Guest Tay-Tay]

ya i noticed that and it bugs me to the deepest hole and idk y but i wish i would be a he

[Guest Mr. Fox]

Are we so old that that required explination? aw geez.

Ray

Don't worry, you are not that old. We younguns understand the reference.

Female pronouns have always bothered me, but I cannot really make a pre-closet to post-closet comparison at this point.

Adrian

[Guest Ryles_D]

I noticed pronouns a bit, but I noticed a lot more when they called me a girl in noun/adjective form. Never liked it. Online I ALWAYS noticed getting called a girl because most assumed I was a boy. I was never sure if I should correct them to call me 'he' or not.

I pity the fool that says that to me after I come out... BTW, for you younger folks, the previous sentence was a Mr. T reference.

Things like that make me feel so old. Which is sad because I'm 17.

[Guest Tayler]

Before I came out it used to annoy me, now it makes me slightly angry even if I'm not even out to someone. More so when I get read as sir then someone comes up and say miss. I'm caught between demanding the right pronouns and just giving a fake smile and go on with my business. Sadly though on the phone I still get "May we speak to your mother or father please." >>

[Guest sphere]

I'm still in the closet (slowly making my way out) and I notice. A lot. Every single detail no matter how small just screams in my head "FEMALE!" Man, it really gets on my nerves. It's kinda weird though, how every time when someone refers to me as a girl they're insulting me without even knowing it...

[Guest Seth]

I know what you mean, Sphere.

[Guest KyleMicheal]

ARGH! I'm out, but people still call me "Stephanie that girl that wants to be a boy".

It pisses me to no end. I wish they would go fall off a cliff.

My boyfriend won't call me by my male name. It makes me sad.

I cry on the inside, but I smile.

[Guest Drew]

ARGH! I'm out, but people still call me "Stephanie that girl that wants to be a boy".

yeah, that really sucks. i still get that from everyone but my closest friends, my dad, and my older brother.