Some Relative Concerns

[Guest NatashaJade]

So all is not rainbow bright in transition land. As I dutifully reported, I came out to my brother on that day that they encouraged us to do such things. And, at the time, it seemed like he took it well. But he's had time to think on it and is concerned for me.

You see, a couple of night ago, he watched a documentary about transsexuals in Iran and, according to him, "the surgery" didn't make them happier and, in some cases, there was regret at having gone through it all. This concerned him. From this, he decided that maybe this whole transsexual business may not really be for me. He did some looking around online (but not my blog...and I have SO MUCH to say about the subject, especially as it applies to yours truly) and found all sorts of concerning information that, for some reason, he thought I might not know about and thought he would call and share with me. Concerned.

Some things that concerned him.

* The surgery. He wanted to make it clear he does not approve of the surgery. It's irreversible (yeah, sorry to tell you bro, but so are a good number of the effects of almost a year of hrt and I'm not stopping that anytime soon, so...) and people who have it regret it and he wanted to be extra crystal clear that he would not give his seal of approval should I get it. Oh, dear. Whatever shall I do...(why do I suddenly feel like Blanche Dubois?)

* Teh gay. He thought, even though I had previously assured him otherwise, that I was, perhaps, just gay and trying to become a woman to be with men as a woman (which, of course, is what all gay men really want?) because, according to him, most transsexual women like men. Even if this were true, it is not true for me. I'm TL. He was just concerned...expressing his concern, is all.

* The danger. I could have a heart attack because of the hormones. Yeah, I could also have a heart attack from all the drugs I took or all of the extra weight I carry around or any number of other factors. I'm losing the weight slowly and I stopped taking drugs years ago and I understand the risk/reward of hrt. For some reason, he believed I might not have done due diligence in investigating this. He couldn't possibly conceive that we who do this become experts in our own right about what all this entails and thought that I just blindly stumbled into this notion of being a transsexual and just started taking pills and stuff. Just concerned, though.

* YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Just so I know, he was sure to tell me he didn't believe that I could ever conceivably pass as a woman, that I would just be a guy in a dress. Thanks for the concern there. And just to be fair, there was a point where I thought that way, but I've come around to being able to see myself as a woman. But his concerned tone...it was just so...concerned that I was delusional, I guess.

* The Surgery Redux. Just to be clear, he does not support SRS. He thinks its a bad idea and I shouldn't do it and he doesn't support. Okay. Got it.

I guess it's just part of the process of understanding, right? I shouldn't take it so hard. But it's the condescending tone of concern that got to me. He was discounting my ability to reason and think. He was insulting my intelligence and, in some ways, just insulting me and it was all because he was concerned and when I tried to argue his points, he simply said he was tired of talking about it and thinking about it and had just wanted to tell me how concerned he was that I was making a huge mistake.

Okay, thanks. Got it. I'm hoping my teeth unclench at some point soon...

xoxo

Gin

[Guest Donna Jean]

You see, a couple of night ago, he watched a documentary about transsexuals in Iran and, according to him, "the surgery" didn't make them happier and, in some cases, there was regret at having gone through it all. This concerned him.

Ok.....this is something that few people do understand.....

In Iran homosexuality is illegal and punishable by death...

BUT!

They do offer one partner the choice of transition ...paid for by the govt.

Then, in their eyes it's now a man and woman and totally cool..

The problem here is that the transitioned partner was never a woman to start with with...

It was a man that loves a man....

Of course thay're not happy with the surgery....Homosexuality means two people with the same equipment!

Explain this to him....(if you can)

* The surgery. He wanted to make it clear he does not approve of the surgery. It's irreversible (yeah, sorry to tell you bro, but so are a good number of the effects of almost a year of hrt and I'm not stopping that anytime soon, so...) and people who have it regret it and he wanted to be extra crystal clear that he would not give his seal of approval should I get it. Oh, dear. Whatever shall I do...(why do I suddenly feel like Blanche Dubois?)

Only about 2% of fully transitioned MTF's ever have any regrets and mostly due to other deep seated problems!

* Teh gay. He thought, even though I had previously assured him otherwise, that I was, perhaps, just gay and trying to become a woman to be with men as a woman (which, of course, is what all gay men really want?) because, according to him, most transsexual women like men. Even if this were true, it is not true for me. I'm TL. He was just concerned...expressing his concern, is all.

Yeah, whatever..even if it were true...what does he suggest you do about it?

* The danger. I could have a heart attack because of the hormones. Yeah, I could also have a heart attack from all the drugs I took or all of the extra weight I carry around or any number of other factors. I'm losing the weight slowly and I stopped taking drugs years ago and I understand the risk/reward of hrt. For some reason, he believed I might not have done due diligence in investigating this. He couldn't possibly conceive that we who do this become experts in our own right about what all this entails and thought that I just blindly stumbled into this notion of being a transsexual and just started taking pills and stuff. Just concerned, though.

Yeah...yadda, yadda, yadda.....of course we can explain every senario from the ever present meteorite hitting us to that ubiqutious bus.....the food we buy is deadly as is our water and air....sheesh

* YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Just so I know, he was sure to tell me he didn't believe that I could ever conceivably pass as a woman, that I would just be a guy in a dress. Thanks for the concern there. And just to be fair, there was a point where I thought that way, but I've come around to being able to see myself as a woman. But his concerned tone...it was just so...concerned that I was delusional, I guess.

You already pass....DING!

* The Surgery Redux. Just to be clear, he does not support SRS. He thinks its a bad idea and I shouldn't do it and he doesn't support. Okay. Got it.

Yeah...and you don't like his haircut or breath.....whatever, bro....

I guess it's just part of the process of understanding, right? I shouldn't take it so hard. But it's the condescending tone of concern that got to me. He was discounting my ability to reason and think. He was insulting my intelligence and, in some ways, just insulting me and it was all because he was concerned and when I tried to argue his points, he simply said he was tired of talking about it and thinking about it and had just wanted to tell me how concerned he was that I was making a huge mistake.

Ok, Bro....noted and filed...lets have a beer....

Okay, thanks. Got it. I'm hoping my teeth unclench at some point soon...

Here, Honey...chew on this deer jerky...it'll help!

xoxo

Gin

Huggs & Love

Donna Jean

[JJ]

Oh Gin I'm sorry . Sounds to me like he had done a lot of research to reassure himself of his own point of view. I mean when I frantically searched everything on the web in the day following my self discovery I came across this information in only the smallest fraction of sites. Tanssexual regret? How did he miss that less than 1% statatistc or all the "I have never been happier, saved my life stories"?

The funny thing in all this? Sounds like he is now treating yo exactly like many men treat women! The moment he saw you as a woman (even though he doen't realize it) your IQ dropped 50 points and ability to reason plummetted.

Hopefully in time the ridiculousness of his beavior will begin to dawn on him. And why is it always the brothers who absolutely refuse to belive someone can pass? Maybe what they are really saying is "I don't have the imagination or mental capacity to adjust the inner picture I formed of you years ago. and I don't intend to try"

He manned up on you. Now you can show him just what women are really made of!

Even if it takes awhile he is in for a real eye opening.

Hugs,

John

[Guest Sharah]

Gin,

Dee Jay and JJ have given some very insightfull observations, I see some this a little differently than they do though. At least he cares enough about you to have done some research and although he does sound condecending he also is voicing real concern for you. He hasn't lived through the process you have and for him this all very new and sudden. Yes, he is not giving you credit for being intelligent enough to do your own research but he is also showing concern for you and a desire for your future happiness.

So, I guess, what I am saying is that while you are totaly right to be irritated there is a bright side to his reaction. He is not throwing you away, he is not rejecting you outrightly, he is trying to understand what you are doing.

[Guest chngnwnd]

Gin,

Deep cleansing breath. Now think what kind of hell the next dentist appointment you have will be if you clench and grind your teeth for the next few months. Deep cleanising breath. Sorry to hear about your brother. I would be agitated as well. Hopefully he will make a new attempt to understand.

hugs

Bobbi

[Sakura]

well, his reaction is pretty atypical. he is trying to make sense of somthing that dosn't make sense to him . you could have given him any number of books or pointed him to any number of internet resources on transsexuality . and he would have formed roughly the same conclusion. because in his concern for you. he would have still focused the the cons instead of the pros , and to him . being a normal thinking male there prolly isn't any pros to wanting to be a woman.

he really cant be blamed for not under standing it . the normal human brain. is just not wired up to even accurately contemplate it. in most people . because they are most content with there gender and physical sex. so the thought of wanting to change it is very alien to them. its kinda like a bird trying to describe to a fish what its like to fly . the bird can explain it in any number of ways to the fish . to make him understand . but in the end the fish will never truely understand what its like to fly .

same with your passing, or not passing , he has known you as his brother for so long that, it is nearly impossible for him to see you any other way, the only way to fix that is to start living the part. and over time that brotherly image will start to fade away. like with my mom and a few of my family members. when, i first came out to then . they are like i just cant see you ever looking like a girl. my mom told me on many many many occasions that. i would never look like a girl. now almost 6 years later they say they cant hardly remember me as a boy. so that is a wound that transition and time healed

my mom had much of the same reaction. after the intial shock wore off. she began researching........ and most of the stuff she came across was not all that pretty. reading stories about gwen araujo . hormones being lethal . violence discrimination. i could see why that would freak them out . i mean no one that truely cares for a close loved one . would want that for them. its only logical for them to have fears and doubts since so much of the stuff they read is negative. but again this as my mom gained accptance slowly changed. now she knows more about SRS than i do . and that hrt is just as lethal to me as they would be to any genetic woman taking BC . somthing both of my genetically female sisters do . so by looking for the bad she started getting enough . positive information . to see the less dark side of things

give your brother time. you have been dealing with this your whole life he has had an infinately shorter time to process it . i mean he is trying so there is a lot of hope to be had there

Sakura

[JJ]

Sakura-that is exactly the rest of what I wanted to say but just couldn't get out today. Not that he didn't also man up to an extent, But these are all the reasons. And the hope that it is a relatively temporary situation.

Thanks for capturing what I couldn't

John

[Guest kelise]

Isn't it interesting how when we research transition information, we typically will find a fair and balanced mix of mostly positive but a fair amount of negative, weigh the pros and cons, and usually end up with more pros. But when our family's research it for us, they seem to come up with nothing but negative. There must be a special Google for concerned relatives.

My Mom, kind of did that. She's been totally supportive since I started physically transitioning, but would jump to point out the ever present negatives from time to time. Like when I started hormones, she read through the risk factor sheets and pointed out every little thing. no big deal, all I had to do was mention the cigarette in her hand as she told me about all the health risks, and the conversation went my way real fast.

It didn't start again until my surgery. She'd just say, "I think your crazy....but you gotta do what you gotta do....but you're still crazy." Teeth....clench. Oh well, all I can do now is prove her wrong. Two weeks now and still no regret!!

[Guest Opal]

Hi Gin,

I can understand what you are going through with your brother. My brother is due in tomorrow for a visit, no telling what state of mind I will be in for the next few days.

Wish you the best on this!

Huggs,

Opal

[Carolyn Marie]

The funny thing in all this? Sounds like he is now treating yo exactly like many men treat women! The moment he saw you as a woman (even though he doen't realize it) your IQ dropped 50 points and ability to reason plummetted.

He manned up on you. Now you can show him just what women are really made of!

Even if it takes awhile he is in for a real eye opening.

Hugs,

John

Dang, John, that is EXACTLY what I was going to tell her. Stole my thunder and my lines. Don't worry, I'll get you back. Hee hee.

Yes, Gin, you let him have his little concerns, and you just go about your business and transition. He can sit around knitting

and worrying all he wants.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest NatashaJade]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses. As Hamlet said, "I have, as of late, lost all my mirth..." (sorry, watching the 4-hour Hamlet three times a day over the course of a week in my classes...I do love the play). But still, the Dane is onto something. I have a tendency to get caught off guard by certain statements and they can eat at me for days. While I love my brother, he was my chief tormentor when I was a child and one of the reasons I hid myself away to begin with. This is all coming out now that he's opened a( wound and I realized that his "concern" felt a lot like his bullying. And then, of course, he called my wife to express his concern because he always bullied me better with a partner, formerly my other brother or one of my ex-step-brothers).

I know I'm probably taking it all the wrong way, but these are old wounds that have been reopened and I expected better from him because I thought we were adults now, but I forgot that I'm the only one who really grew up.

Ah, well.

xoxo

Gin

[Guest Nikole]

Hun you already pass! I looked at your pics, and wow what a difference! You look great!

As far as the rest of the stuff, it is quite possible he's still trying to wrap his head around everything. While I can't understand what my gf is going through completely, there are times I try to wrap my head around it and just can't. My gf tells me I'm way more understanding than most people would be, maybe it's true I don't know. But it IS hard for someone who is not transgendered to try to understand it. You've most likely had MUCH more time to come to terms with who you really are than he has, so perhaps he may just need some more time? Could he have went about it in a better way? Yes definitely. Maybe show him some of the "not so negative" links? *shrug* I'm sure he'll come around