Trying To Figure Out Where I Fit Into This Spectrum...

[Guest AuroraStarr]

Soooo... hi!

To start... I've gradually come to terms that I definitely fall somewhere into the TG spectrum.

It's definitely been difficult. Only recently have I been able to talk to anyone about it, and I still keep my thoughts and emotions hidden from most people. I've always not really been all that "male" though.

So to rewind back... I'll go into my past to kinda give a better picture of things.

I think somewhere around the age of 4 or 5 I started dressing in my sister's clothes in secret. It's kinda hard for me to pinpoint that now. The time I can remember specifically though, is when I got caught by my little sister in a princess costume. My mom thought it was cute, and my sister made fun of me for it. Then again... I know even before that I had some feminine tendencies. As I was even younger, I had really long hair. I was frequently mistaken for a girl, which my dad didn't like and eventually led to him and my stepmom cutting it short. (I even to this day loathe haircuts)

I guess here I should add that my parents never married. So it was a transition back and forth growing up for a while... living with my mom and traveling back and forth throughout the year to visit my dad. Both male figures in my life definitely conditioned me to be male, although my stepdad not as strongly. Of course, I guess that is what most fathers would do. It's not like I carried around a sign that said... "Hey, I'm not that sure about my gender". Regardless, when I was with my mom.. the pressure wasn't there as much.

Around 7ish... I think midway through the second grade... my dad and stepmom managed to get custody of me. This was preceded by a bunch of sessions with some sort of Christian family counselor person. These sessions were mainly just attempts to bait me into giving them "evidence" for court against my mom to make the court process easier... but one day that stands out was when my sister was brought in to talk as well. (She has a different dad and wasn't part of the custody case) Anyway, sometime during the session.. she brought up the time she caught me dressing up.. which I tried to play off. The counselor seemed to kind of catch on though... and said something along the lines of: It's alright to play and pretend sometimes... but with a strong overtone that it was wrong to do so kinda thing.

However... continuing on... after I'd moved in with my dad and stepmom... I was definitely conditioned more. I got pushed into sports and playing outside more. Growing up I'd originally made more friends with girls... who I just seemed to get better along with emotionally. I dunno. But around this time I did learn to socialize with guys a bit better... and over time started acting more like a boy.

Of course, I should emphasize the words "more like". I continued on and still wasn't all that masculine. Besides getting crap from my parents, I was constantly coached on how to walk.. etc. After getting made fun of enough for one thing or another... I gradually blended in more and more, and my girlish tendencies were kept more and more in check. By the time I'd made it through elementary and started middle school though, I started to function much better as a male.

Church probably helped with that. I started going on a regular basis with friends. And being that this was your standard Southern Baptist... or even more fundamentalist churches (One of the ones I went to didn't even allow instruments to be used in worship. Can't remember what type that was)... well, it definitely pushed on pretty well that I needed to be a guy and act like a guy. Because otherwise, I was going to hell! lol.

However, as I got older... probably around 12, the feminine mind inside of me decided to start working itself back in. I'd started to hoard clothes, and as I'd feel bad about it (As I was trained to)... I'd purge. Regardless, it became a persistant part of my life. When I'd get time alone at home, I'd often dress up and be a girl. It was a fun thing to do... just to escape and be what I wanted for even just a little bit.

I'd get close calls though. I know there were times where I was repurposing a shirt as a skirt or something like that my stepmom would walk in on me and I'd have to scramble. Was a weird thing, but I got very good at hiding things, so the entire time living with my parents I was never discovered.

As I got into high school things seemed to increase in frequency, but I got better and better at burying these thoughts with school, sports, and my larger passion... music. I've always been a very creative-minded person, so art.. whether it be drawing, painting, writing, composing music, or playing instruments... became an outlet for my thoughts and emotions. Of course, I also got busy with life, so it became easier to let my female ambitions take a back seat.

Oddly enough, the music lead me again back to church. I stopped going to anything on a regular basis when I'd moved to Missouri before starting the 8th grade. I did go on occasion with friends... but it wasn't until I was a sophomore in high school.. that one of my best friends brought me to church and got me into playing in the youth praise band. I played electric bass, and had a lot of fun doing it. Was a great way for me to increase my musicianship and get into a regular schedule of playing... but it brought me back into the same thoughts of self-loathing that had plagued me before.

This pushed me yet again back into a cycle of collecting and purging. It seemed endless, and I would go back and forth as the war of the sexes waged inside of me. Somewhere around here I got into cutting for a bit I think. Nothing too crazy.. but I would draw with the blades.. making small incisions around my pubic area for the most part. I didn't want to damage myself, but it was a phase I did go through.

Meh. Anyway, I continued on through high school.. and after I started driving.. I got even more ambitious with things. Then again, I also was fortunate enough to stay busy with school... and the new addition of work. I continued collecting clothes in secret and dressing up when I had time alone.

As I spent more time online... I finally started to learn things though. I found out what transsexuals were... and it captivated me. I'd never realized up to this point that other people like me existed. That people would not only live as another gender, but even surgically change their bodies. I spent countless hours researching hormone therapy, breast augmentation, and even SRS.

After I graduated high school, this research increased.. and I even went as far to occasionally drive to another city and buy clothes on my own. This was always nerve-wracking and weird for me, but I managed to do it. I feel like I should definitely add that most of the switching back and forth and thinking has been on a mental level though. Just on occasion I'd get restless and go much further than I might otherwise go.

When I moved out, things became much easier. I had a roommate, but I found it very easy to figure out their work schedule and explore myself around that. I could order things online to expand my female wardrobe, without worry that my parents would wonder what I was picking up. I should also add.. I stopped going to fundamentalist churches. I started going to services with a Unity church with a friend, and that definitely helped me to start forming my own opinions.. and not worry as much what others thought of me. I learned to accept myself as who I am. I stopped worrying about things like purging... and became more concerned with trying to figure out who I am.

Fast forward a few more years and I've grown to be a relatively successful young "guy". I function well socially, and I've started to talk with friends a bit on who I am. It's still something I've done very cautiously though. I even went out in drag with a few friends (Which was particularly great.. in that my guy friend was relatively obvious.. but I blended in with the girls.. even amongst people I knew lol). So I'm finally at a point where I'm working on discovering myself now... and I'm looking where to go.

Sooooo... I arrive here.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a crossdresser... in that it's not really about the clothes, it's about who I am. But that's about as far as I get. I dunno whether I'm somewhere inbetween male and female.. maybe somewhat androgynous.. or even completely transsexual.. and just my male conditioning has got me to the point of dealing with living as a guy.

So what I'm really looking for is input. I'm pretty sure I need to see a gender therapist... but I'd like to know how others relate... and just kinda clue myself into where I sit. And of course, if anyone has any suggestions on where I should go next... that's definitely welcome as well!

And... sorry for making this post so long. I just wanted to be thorough to paint the best picture I could of where I am now and how I got here.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Good morning, Aurora!

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean

Come on in and have a seat while I round up a plate of Sally's famous cookies and my well known hot coco!

Then you can just kick off your shoes and relax...OK

I want to say thank you for the wonderful intro...it helsp us learn about you!

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the top of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone..

Please post and read...I'm sure this forum will be of big help to you!

It's nice to have you

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Sharah]

Aurora.

Welcome to Laura's. I can see that Dee Jay has already gotten you some goodies.

You have come to a really great place at Laura's. It is full of people who care and are non-judgemental. The folks here are more than happy to share our experiences and help others to travel the path to self-discovery. The answers you are seeking are all inside of you, and only you can answer them.

Your story is not unfamiliar as many of us have lived the same or similar lives. The best advice I can give you right now is to try your best to get hooked up with a gender therapist who can help you to sort through your thoughts and feelings and figure out who you truly are.

I am very pleased to have met you and look forward to reading your posts and getting to know you beter.

[Sally]

Good morning Aurora,

Welcome to the forums, I see that Donna Jean has brought you refreshments and reminded you to read the terms and conditions so all of the formalities are taken care of.

Now that you are all comfortable I would like to tell you to not be in such a rush to find out exactly where you belong on the gender spectrum, a gender therapist can help you to find your own comfort zone, what is right for me or Donn Jean may be wrong for you but there is time, I am 59 and did not start my transition until I was 57 - think of this as a journey and not a race, not even a marathon because there is no rush.

Just like taking an airplane from New York to Los Angeles, you have crossed the United States without seeing any of it - take a car, look around, take a less traveled back road and enjoy all of the wonders along the way - savor them and cherish those memories.

Transitioning is the same way - I am taking my time and savoring each new acceptance, every ma'am and ladies - life is full of the mundane because we choose to view it that way - a flower opening is in its multiple repetitions throughout the world a mundane event and yet it is still beautiful and should be observed and cherished.

Think about your life and all of the seemingly mundane things that mean so much to you - they are important, maybe not to anyone else but they are to you so never let them go cherish those memories as you go through life and you won't have any room to store anything negative.

Love ya,

Sally.

[Guest AuroraStarr]

Yeah... It's not really a massive rush, but it's just an opportune time for me to make moves and changes in my life. I know from researching that hormone therapy in particular is much more effective while young as opposed to when you're older (I'm 22). Just seems like a waste to wait too long, although I definitely recognize that trying to change things too fast is just as much of a problem.

I just want to get to the point where I can be more open and be who I want to be. The critical first step is definitely to figure out exactly what that means to me though. I don't want to be much of a bother, but I do live in the Bible Belt (Missouri.. lol), and I honestly have no clue where to go or who to seek to find a gender therapist.

[Guest Orva26]

Hi Aurora,

Yeah... It's not really a massive rush, but it's just an opportune time for me to make moves and changes in my life. I know from researching that hormone therapy in particular is much more effective while young as opposed to when you're older (I'm 22). Just seems like a waste to wait too long, although I definitely recognize that trying to change things too fast is just as much of a problem.

I'm at a similar point and age, 23. I also have this feeling that I'm at a unique point at which I can investigate some things. My question is also a bit different. I definitely have some autogynephilia tendencies and in that regard have fantasized about being female. Its only recently that I've begun to explore the idea in other ways, mainly dressing. I'm about to move out on my own next month which will allow me to do just that without worrying. It might take me a while to dig deeper since I've got to make sure I can establish myself at work first. I investigating at this point is a good idea since it is before I become involved with things like marriage and kids. I'm not trying to knock people who do transition then, actually the opposite; I doubt I'd be strong enough to handle it.

I just want to get to the point where I can be more open and be who I want to be. The critical first step is definitely to figure out exactly what that means to me though. I don't want to be much of a bother, but I do live in the Bible Belt (Missouri.. lol), and I honestly have no clue where to go or who to seek to find a gender therapist.

Yup, that seems to be one of the larger first steps. I still have my anxieties about actually doing it but there is a great list on this site: http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm that list therapist in the United States organized by state! All it takes is Ctrl + F! Out of curiosity I searched Missouri and found eight therapist were listed, now I've never personally been to the state so I know nothing of the local geography but fear not if they aren't close enough, there are also online therapist too!

The list is great in another regard as well. The administration makes sure to only list reputable therapist who follow the standards of care. I hope you're as luck as I am and find one that is 10 minutes away. I wish you luck and happiness wherever your journey takes you.